Despite everything that I've been taught, I decided to approach it my way. & I knowingly understand that its the wrong way, yet, I need some sort of closure to my thoughts. Yesterday I've been told my 'New Zealand' plan was "unrealistic". Some girl reprimanded me "This isn't a Korean drama". She's essentially asking me to face reality. Truth hurts, but I can't keep living in denial.
New Zealand plan was this. After I graduate, I go over to Auckland. I'll go to your school because it's the only place I know you'll be at.
I'll text you "You were supposed to meet me here."
you'll say something like "I'm sorry, you are?", "I don't remember making arrangements like this" or whatever
I'll reply something like "You're Eddie Kim right? I didn't get it wrong, you're supposed to meet me. Come quick."
"I've been waiting for a year now."
Yes yes yes. Very dramatic. But our love has always been this way. Our love was built on a mountain of hopes, dreams, ideals and distance. No wonder it failed so soon.
When you left, you left me hanging. I'm not sure if I should give you up, or should I hold on. I also asked Daniel if I should hold on. He didn't reply. But it's okay. I'm not one to break my promises, I promised you I'd always be by your side, I'd never leave you. But if you were the one who didn't want it first, then if I were to give it up, it's not considered a breaking of promise. But because you left me hanging, so I'm still holding on.
Until last night. I had a sudden rush of emotions. I missed you. Everyday I'm fighting this feeling. I'm fighting the urge to talk to you. I'm too concerned about your life right now, even if you didn't want to let me into it. It's not an obsession. I'm just worried about you, like how every other girlfriends in the world would to their boyfriends, like how any other wife would be to their husbands. Because I just do care.
I told you, the first time I heard your voice at the restaurant, I liked it. That was 28th of December 2012. The second time I heard your voice at Newton Circle, I loved it. It was 16 January 2013. I regretted waiting for so long until I called you out. We wasted 2 weeks of time in between. 아이씨! hahaa. And the third time I heard your voice, you called me to ask if I knew how to wire transfer money back to Auckland but I told you my job scope didn't involve such procedures, so I couldn't help. I was addicted to it, after your phone call I went back jumping to my friends, and told them you called. I was so happy. This was one side of me you didn't get to see then. I was semi-crazy over this really interesting boy. & the first time we met, I was so certain you purposely sat on my right side, so that you could show me your underdeveloped dimples that only show on the left hand side of your face. HAHAA. I'm very sure you were deliberate. I loved loved loved your dimple. Your eyes still remain a regret. You were right, God dropped his eye cutting halfway and forgot about you. But it's these little things that I come to look pass and come to love every single trait about you. You know how I feel about you. You know it.
I didn't want to live with any regrets. I'm not sure if I allow you to leave us hanging, would it one day be gone? I can't let that happen. While our wounds are still fresh, I want to sew it back. I waited till 2am, so you should be awake be then. I decided to just let it all out, put it all out there, and see how you'd respond.
My primary purpose of the call was to tell you "I want you back". I told you how I was these past few weeks. For you, myself and the sake of us, I've been living very well. Exceptionally well. I've excelled in work and studies. I've improved relations with friends. I've been making a bunch of new friends, I've been inculcating the values of saying hi to people everywhere I go. I've been teaching people at work, I've been doing my part for the less privileged people. If my life were a jigsaw puzzle, I'm only lacking one last piece. The last piece that would eventually reveal the face of my prince charming. You're like a living jigsaw, you run away and you wont come back in place.
I have plans. Once I complete my studies, I'm going to learn Korean. With my abilities and my interest, I'm quite sure I can pick up the basics in a year. On your behalf I'll visit your uncle to see him well and healthy. I'll deliver fruits and tonics so he'll be healthily taken care of. I'm a good care taker. & I'm always sincere about it. Not only the Korean culture have such a strong family culture. Chinese also advocate the teachings of filial piety, respect elders, and to repay their kindness and wise teachings by being nice to them. I can communicate with the people you love then. My family you never had to worry, my entire group of relatives are a group of welcoming and heartwarming family. They've always treated strangers as one of their own. From day one, they only served you with sincerity that you would treat their house as your own home. They would initiate conversations with you, although they know there's a language barrier. For that I'm so grateful that they were so nice to you, and they bother to entertain. Perhaps they were the ones who imparted me with these values in the first place. That could explain my hospitality to you. All we wanted was to make you feel at home.
I could live anywhere. I used to not have a home too. I'm not sure if I told you my story. I used to go to my friend's place and bunk in for a few days, and change from place to place because I couldn't stay at their place for too long. I could sleep anywhere. As long as I have a bed. I'm glad I ever lived this kind of life, so I'm not spoilt. I'm thankful for this experience so I can be versatile. Perhaps that's why I want to be motivated to do well in life. I've never been worse than you I guess. But there's nothing to compare. We should just look forward. We'll be awesome together, because I can take hardships, you never have to worry about me. Not that being with you we'll have to face hardships, it's a just-in-case-you-thought-peiru-was-a-softie kind of things. (:
So I asked you a series of question. I never really got them answered.
I asked you if you missed me. At first you said no. then you said yes. I'm not sure which is which. But it did hurt at "no". But it's okay. I've been hurt enough during the first week. I revived from hell. nothing can really hurt me now.
So I asked you back. You said you've got too much going on in your life right now, and you can't handle relationships.
I asked you why you still come to my blog, you said because you wanted to know how I was doing in my life right now, & now that you know I'm doing fine, you were a little sad because I could do fine without us? My little kimchi, I was doing fine, because you gave me enough strength to do well. You were always my motivation for doing well. So please don't feel sad. (: & You were happy too becuase you can stop worrying about me and focus on what's troubling you at the moment. Please don't worry about me. You never had to worry. They say behind every successful man, is a successful woman. I'm quite sure I can be that woman, to give you the emotional support if you met any setbacks, celebrate your achievements, give you suggestions or advice if you needed any, be that kind of girl who never let you worry so you can just focus on your job, feed you in time when you're hungry, do your laundry, make sure you look smart and presentable, take care of you when you're sick, be your happy pill when you feel down.
When I talked to you, you barely laughed. I felt sad. But I can't be sad with you. I was so happy talking to you again. plus if I'm sad with you, it's all too gloomy. you're so not fun. But it's okay. I don't know what exactly is bothering you in your life right now, and I asked you like so many times, you cant share it with me, its okay. If you want to tell me one day, you would (: My ears are opened.
Then i wanted to clarify. You seemed like you dont have feelings for me anymore. So why did you tell me that your feelings "changed" instead of saying you have no more feelings for me. There's a big difference. I asked you did you try to package your words so that you wont hurt me that much? Or you really felt that its still possible between us so you don't want to cut us off just like that. I told you, if you don't have any more feelings, you must be fair to me so I can move on. Yet you still can't give me a definite answer, you just said "a little it of both". and you said "I don't want to burn that last string that is holding us together".
I told you my friends have been telling me to not be so stupid to wait for you, for all I know, you probably already have another woman out there. I've defended you. I said he's not that kind of person. & I believed in you. What you told me was encouraging, "how are they so sure I've moved on?" You're essentially telling me you probably havent, but you also didn't guarantee that you wouldn't. You're already keeping your options open. That hurts.
Oppa. You told me what you think was the base of our problems was that I left you. Not until you decide to stop blaming me, you'll never ever come back to me. This one I'm very sure. For the last time, I'm telling you, I never really left. That day, I only left for work. I rushed back home to find you. I'm not pointing fingers, but truth is, you left. With your luggage, you even go so far as to tell your friends to not let me know you went to them. If in the past I frivolously threw the breakup word at you, I'm sorry. I was immature. But I never really left. I always came back at the end of the day. I'm sorry if that day when I left for work, I gave you the wrong signal that I left you? I'm sorry, but I did not. But if you choose to find an excuse for the failure of our relationship, I am certain, what we have is all gone. Why can't you let it go and forgive. No point for me to keep convincing you that I was always there for you. You have to forgive me and drop your finger at me first. Tonight, I'm saying this, I can repeat it a thousand times, over and over again, but it really takes two hands to clap.
So I won't ask you to believe in me. Whether you would, it's your call. But just know that, I never ever would break my promise to you. I've promised to love you, that we'll never fight, that we'll only be happy. You can choose to throw it aside. Just tell me when you do that. So that I can remind you again, and again, even if you threw it away, like a grumpy kid throwing his food away, I'll come back, make a new set of food, again and again, until this grumpy kid is happy to swallow my sincerity to him.
I'm not the weakling you or anyone think I'll be. I can perservere. I no longer cry. My tear ducts are dry. So don't worry.
At the end of the day, I have no more regrets. How would things turn out in the future, I'm not sure. But I can devote myself to you. That I can promise. So you don't have to worry about losing me. You said "This is really simple of a problem. I need time. See you gave me two weeks, and im still here, happily and gladly answer your call. But you try to get me back when I'm not ready, it doesn't work. All I'm asking is time. I'm so sorry Peiru. I need some time. When you graduate, if you still believe in us, you can always come to me. I promise until next year jun, I will get myself sorted. If you still love me by then, and still can forgive me, please come to me. I won't even ask you for another question. I will throw myself at you, and be back to your Eddie. I wish to be this cool guy, could let you go any moment, but I can't. Because I still believe in you and me. At the same time, I know I need time. That's why I'm doing this. Please understand me."
I will. I will.
Just remember that, on the other side of the world, there's a girl waiting for you.
- recently I really have a lot of homework. I might not blog as often. but that doesn't mean I gave up on us. Hang in there Oppa. Jia you! 화이팅!
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