Today's dedication to you: This love for you extends eternally from now till forever. Please don't feel lonely anymore. I'm here. Oppa I love you.
30 September 2013: I jumped out of bed again at 3am. I tried to go back to sleep but I just can't. All our past swarmed in my head like a dream-nightmare. Dreamed about all the good times we had together and nightmares of the bad decision I've made to ever feel this way. My worst nightmare was when I asked you back, you just never turned your head back toward me again. I remembered you told me it was daylight savings, but I think you haven't woke up. I had to make sure you go for lecture so I'm sorry I still called you today. Then it turns out you missed your first lecture. Sometimes you still call me "hun" either unconscionsly or out of habit. Either way it reminds me that all is not gone. Now you continually remind yourself to call me just by my name, you just go "peiru". It hurts because all the affection is lost in that. But today you said you want it to stay this way, allow yourself to stay cold this way. I respect your feelings. It's okay to be genuine to me Oppa. I appreciate this more than if you were to lie to me.
This morning you told me "All day yesterday, I only had one pack of two minute noodles. Today I wasnt much hungry, but I forced myself to cafe and had bacon and eggs to make you worry less. What about you,, you are not eating properly" My heart sank. I heart ached and I wished I was there to bring you some feed. Hahaha. Let me shout you oppa. Hahaha. It's still funny.
Yesterday I sent you a picture of me smiling. Am I still pretty? I wrote the korean "hi" wrongly and you pointed it out. I'm sorry I got it wrong but i wil become an expert by the end of next year, when I have time to study it. I told you it's so that I can talk to your uncle, Chris, Daniel, Dong woo, and all the people around you who revolves your world. Yet despite all my dreams to be with you, I had to prepare myself for the day that you wouldnt come back. So just in case I never have the chance to tell you anymore, I said this before I regret not telling you. "Even if we won't be together this lifetime, I'll learn it, so if i get reborn, I'll probably still retain bits and pieces of Korean (so that I can communicate with you on a deeper level), or maybe I can be born Korean, & I'll spend my next lifetime to try to win your heart all over again"
I really meant it. No matter what happens in the future, please trust what I say now. I hold promises so strongly, I have strong principles. Never ever doubt me. If you did, please don't even talk to me again.
I remembered how we went left and right everywhere. Everywhere we went 왼쪽, 왼쪽, 왼쪽 오른쪽, 왼쪽. 직진 왼쪽, 직진 오른쪽. And there's the change of feet word too but I forgot. Doesnt matter. It was the feeling that when we were doing all these I loved most. It was just hilarious.
I remembered how the Ramen restaurant say "free flow drinks" but we got to pay $2 for the cup. You went "Did Chris start a Japanese restaurant?" "Why didn't I know" ? Hahaha. So funny I couldn't stop laughing even now. I shared the coke joke with you. The other day my friend ordered a coke, the woman replied "Cock? Cock coming!" HAHAHA. You said "HAHAHA! We had so much fun with this! And its still funny!"
I remembered when you came, we hugged and danced everywhere. In the middle of the food centre, along the roads at traffic lights, before Jordan, everywhere, while we hugged. We even got a new dance move, the ahjuma octopus move. HAHAHA.
I missed the times when we went to the pub at Arab street and you fed me calamari. I would order orange juice and you would order San Miguel. You would dip the calamari into sauces and put it into my mouth. Whatever we eat you'd try to feed me. I loved that feeling. I feel loved.
I remember how u used to feed me meat and veggies and peel crabs for me, giving me the juiciest parts at the end of it. Then the walk from Yishun to Khatib... we held hands, we walked through the park and just talked about our lives, holding hands like tomorrow's the end of the world so we were so reluctant to let go, if not for the fact that you had to work, we didn't even want to go home. We so wanted to just be together forever just like that. We can still. Only if you want to.
We only knew each other for a short time. We only really were together, for less than 60 days. When you came here to work I barely met you because by that time you had to leave Singapore. Yet somehow we got to spend one of the best times together.It's so incredible I feel like we're in wonderland. In that place there's only us and nobody else. Remember the words you once so desperately wanted me to understand? That you just wanted us to wake up in each other's arms, and be the first person we see every day & live life just like that? Remember the singer's Psy song that you rapped to me? You told me to look the lyrics up because it was so beautifully written it's that kind of life that you were seeking. You said you were tired of the tough life you were living and you found me to settle down with. All We lack is really just a basic understanding for each other, so we need to be more tolerant. We really were physically together for less than 2 months. All the other times we were online. I'm sorry I wasn't more tolerant towards you. But I tried. At least the only thing different about me and you is that I never give up. I would never ever let your hands go. But you did. Its disappointing but my love for you can forgive anything. Really anything.
I'm still working as I blogged this so I may update it. Please do your assignment for tomorrow & live well.
I hope you managed to complete your homework on time Oppa.
I thought about what you said this morning. My final check whether you were committed to coming back to me. I know it very well. I asked you what if women threw themselves at you, what would you do? You couldn't guarantee that you would not give in. Because you don't believe in us anymore. You would allow yourself to get influenced by external people. For a man who could never stand the sight of his girlfriend to even possess pictures with other guys, could not vouch for his devotion, I know it's really over between us. From now onwards, I would dump all posssibilities of hope, because Oppa, its very clear you would never come back again.
I told you the reason I held onto you was because I was afraid you'd let go of us, since even long before me you could be independent. You literally just threw us out of the window without even looking back. That hurts. You knew the feeling of abandonment yet you're doing this to me. But it's okay. I'm glad before you left, you showed me how I could get up on my feet again like you. you're my role model & I'm glad at least with your leaving, you left me a valuable lesson to learn. See, who says Oppa didn't do anything for peiru?
I so wanted to keep your picture as my wallpaper. But you don't belong to me anymore. I finally plucked the courage to change it. Everytime I look at it my heart hurts. What's worse is I stupidly set some of my passwords as your name. Everytime I access my emails, every single day, as I type Edwardkim, it reminds me of a life that seemed like a faraway dream. A dream that is so real but painful. A dream that would be so beautiful that we never get to live it.
In the past, all our futures that we conjured together, are definite and defined. We talk about this, and we talk about that, and that's what we're gonna do. Both of us are gonna study well, and we finalised that it would be okay if either you come here, or I go there (I know initially I had my qualms, but after I realised I needed you in my life, pay and career didn't matter anymore, too bad i realised it too late). We wanted to get a home we can finally call our own. We could get a dog for the moment, or just ourselves, or have a cute little boy together who would call me "Ohmma", and call you "daddy!" a cute little boy who would speak chinese, korean and english. a smart little boy where you can coach him in engineering, mathematics while I take care of his languages and maybe I can teach him a little piano. You can teach him the more practical things in life like driving, fixing the lights and how to be strong. He would leverage on all the positive attributes we can provide him with when we combine our abilities. We would be so good together.
I don't know why I don't appeal to you anymore. Maybe you don't see my character anymore, maybe you stopped being impressed with me. But it's okay. When you decided to leave I feel inferior, so inferior I thought I wouldn't be adequate for any other people. Then today, I got reminded of my qualities. I'm pretty accomplished in my own respect. I work a decent job in an established bank. When I graduate I'd earn more.I write so well I topped the cohort for my module. I don't ask my parents for money and I can live very comfortably on my own. I stand by strong principles and I'm kind to people.I'm generous to those who deserve it and those I love. I do not regard money as my only property. I'm only strict when I have to. I have my bad tempered days but its usually only after I give too much chances to a person who are too unruly. But I'm well brought up. I was confident of myself... until you broke me.
With you, I'm vulnerable. You said with you I could be weak. But maybe because I'm weak, you stopped loving me. Because when you knew me, I was such a strong character. But now, I know I'm almost as good as nothing. But it's fine. Because my friends reminded me of it again.
I'm still wounded. This knife that you stabbed into my heart you stabbed so hard and deep. I'd be lying if I say I'm not affected at all. One day, one day (this is funny because you always said it in a jokingly manner, hahaha) I'll pull through.
I know you're not entirely heartless. Perhaps you have too much things going on in your life to think about me. But if I were ever someone you truly love, you'd realise your mistake and come back to me. But from the look of things, you seem less burdened if i'm not around. I know you don't love me enough to share your true problems and fight these problems as a couple. How are we then able to fight our future together as husband and wife?
Maybe, let's forget about it.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
3rd day
29 Sept 2013: Today's love dedication - Every single day, my heart still travel tens of thousands of miles from Singapore to Auckland, arrive at your doorstep to show my love for you. Oppa, I love you.
Today it's all about me.
Today my vision blurred. My joints are aching. I know I have to eat something. But i really can't. Plus I need to save money. I can't spend like the past anymore. If I am going to find you there, I'll need this sum of money so we could have enough. I drank soya bean milk and a bottle of vitamin C water to sustain the entire day. At night I could feel my stomach acid seeping into my stomach. I don't want to get gastric so I flushed myself with lots of water. I didn't tell you this so that I want you to sympathize with me. I don't need sympathy. Neither do I want you to feel so guilty to join me in this. This is too painful so please don't try. I only put it here for my own reference, so that I can see what I survived everyday & to hope I'll be stronger. My menses came. It's 3 times in 2 months. I must be really stressed. I still can't get up on my feet. My heart can only live when there's love, and for all the people who loves me, I've already transferred them onto you. Every night I hope god would take me away in my sleep, because this pain is too difficult to bear. Too difficult to bear.
I'm not sure if you are curious. But it's really tough going unloved by you. Every morning, I wake up in fright, and the first thing I do is to quickly check my phone to see if you texted me. If I'm tired enough to wake up only after 6 hours, I can't go back to sleep. If I just sleep for 3 hours, and I get frightened and check my phone, I still can't go back to sleep. Every single moment I live in fear, fearing that I'd lose you even after I lost you. Then after I wake up I try to focus on my studies. I take up a book, every 5 minutes I would think of you. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel like dying. I know I can't so I turn to friends. If i woke up too early my friends are not awake, I cry until i feel like vomitting. If I wake up late enough I text 10 different people to channel my negative feelings, only a few are nice enough to entertain my sorrows. I try not to disturb you and whenever I do, I really really am so down, my next option is to die. Sometimes i can't reach you, but it helps that you will text me back to say "I'm sorry peiru i missed your call". I'm thankful that you still would pick up my calls and listen to me talk. I'm thankful you didnt feel annoyed when I disturbed you. At least you didnt show it to me even if you did. Please know that I'm really really really sorry that I'm taking so much of your time to listen to my rambling. If I could control myself, I wouldn't. but when I call you, please know that I really need it.
Every day I wonder, what does it take for someone to lose feelings. This is the question that bugs me every single day. Is it because of my bad temper? But I promised I'd change. Is it because of my bad relations with my family, that you presume I cannot handle familial ties? But I actually am good at maintaining. Is it because my figure is not good enough? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Is it because you see no future in us? But i see a really happy couple in us, and I promised to keep it good forever. These thoughts just keep going in my head. My friend pointed it out that since your feelings changed, it'd never be the same. This statement literally scared me. But Jiamin said it's possible that oppa's feelings can mature, and develop into another kind of feeling that is more formidable, stronger than the first initial feelings that held us together. Deep down inside me, I know we're just never gonna be the same. Yet, I still believe that as long as two people devote to be together forever, feelings, lesser or more doesnt matter, because this couple has the stability, that no matter how one party treats the other, both would never leave each other.
That stability in relationships is what I want. The will of being together with each other, and no matter what, never to say break up. I know I did it a lot of times, but now I experienced how instable it is, I would never ever say it again. but to you, I'm just not the one you trust to not do this anymore. I apologize deeply, Iif only I had the chance to make amends for you, I promise I would never do it again.
My friend asked me, before I decide to cry over our broken relationship, why am I actually crying? It's simple, I'm crying over the loss of not only you, but also a future so beautiful, a future we always imagined to be so perfect, is suddenly gone. Without this vision, I temporarily lost a sense of direction in life. You were always good at focusing on that's most important at the moment, probably that's why you can shut off your feelings and work like a machine, and be almost heartless. I'm just happy that of all the things you shut off, you would still talk to me and entertain my demanding sorrows. Again I must apologize for imposing on you. Please understand what I'm going through is really hell, don't be angry or annoyed by me. please don't
The other day you said that you didn't do anything for me. You're so silly oppa. You did tons of things for me. You got my family food, toys and perfume. When my feet ached you would gently kiss it and massage it for me. You take my cold hands to your heart and warmed it up. You hug me to take the cold away. You make me laugh with almost every single comment you made, you're that funny. its all the simple actions you do that I appreciate and made me fall in love with you. My love is this simple to satisfy. Last night I was out with my friends, a bunch of them smoked and the smoke just blew in my face. then I remembered you Oppa, you would always push me away because you know I'd get affected by it. I'm just so touched. every single thing you do for me I remember and placed it in my heart. All of these simple gestures are your present for me, and each time I unfold them one by one, and I cry because I'll never get it again.
I thought a lot about how I should handle this breakup situation. Should I leave you alone or should I stay and hold on to us? I'm afraid everything that I'm doing now, when I feel sad I still call you, when I feel like it I still text you... would irritate you sooner or later. If I continue, would you one day get sick of it? Please tell me if you would like me to stop this. I would control myself and never burden you with my excessive emotional texts and calls again. I really feel deeply sorry that I am bothering you T_T; Oppa I didn't mean it. I told you, every single day I'd remind you that you never have to feel alone again. So at least for that one text, you have to accept it. Unless you want me to stop. I will. T_T;;;;;;; but I just can't bear. Even if I stop doing it, you must know every single day, whatever decision you make, you will be so so so loved by me. Whether I tell it to you or not, every morning, once you open your eyes, you might not see a text, but I'll always be around... Understand?
I just don't understand why your texts so obviously is telling me that you don't love me anymore but yet you give me hope. Last thursday, you said "I feel heart ache that my poor thing has to go to work *crying face*" "Hun I miss you *crying face* where are you....." "Can I come to your work by 11 30, we go lunch together" That one just broke me. You already went back to new zealand, yet you still said these. I feel like you still do care about me, yet your attitude towards me have changed entirely, that you just can't bring yourself to love me anymore.
All these days, the most you could say was "Thank you peiru", "Don't do this/that peiru", "Please don't be so nice to me" I really feel heartbroken. Because these words mean that "I really appreciate everything you have done for me, but I cannot treat you back the same, therefore, all i'm feeling is guilty, sorry and thankful that you're so nice to me". It sucks to know that the person whom you love so much, can only feel everything but love for you. Or this person, can feel your love for him, yet cannot bring himself to love you back.
Everyday, these are the thoughts that go through my head. These are the torture that I go through every day. but it saddens me more that no matter how down I feel, you don't love me enough to pick me up from the ground and tell me "hey, I had enough of hurting you. I shouldnt have done this to you because whatever you're doing hurts me double. lets just get back together & live the happy life we initially had planned" You don't love me enough like that.
My handphone wall paper is still your picture. I was advised to change it so I won't think about you anymore. I searched my entire phone for another picture to replace. It's all pictures of you and me. I wonder if you have already deleted them. I know you're that type who'd do it. If you havent I know you love me still. If you did, I would have absolutely no place in your heart. I couldnt find a suitable picture. So you're still on my wallpaper smiling at me. At least that oppa I see in the wall paper was the one who loved me with his entire heart.
Today I have a lot of inspiration to blog about our past. But I've had a really tiring day. today was worse than yesterday because I kept crying so hard. Even as I'm blogging this my eyes closed several times. Maybe i'd continue in another post tomorrow. But please know that you're not alone. I'm just tired tonight.
Lord, please take me away in my sleep. Its too painful to live without oppa. take me away.
Today it's all about me.
Today my vision blurred. My joints are aching. I know I have to eat something. But i really can't. Plus I need to save money. I can't spend like the past anymore. If I am going to find you there, I'll need this sum of money so we could have enough. I drank soya bean milk and a bottle of vitamin C water to sustain the entire day. At night I could feel my stomach acid seeping into my stomach. I don't want to get gastric so I flushed myself with lots of water. I didn't tell you this so that I want you to sympathize with me. I don't need sympathy. Neither do I want you to feel so guilty to join me in this. This is too painful so please don't try. I only put it here for my own reference, so that I can see what I survived everyday & to hope I'll be stronger. My menses came. It's 3 times in 2 months. I must be really stressed. I still can't get up on my feet. My heart can only live when there's love, and for all the people who loves me, I've already transferred them onto you. Every night I hope god would take me away in my sleep, because this pain is too difficult to bear. Too difficult to bear.
I'm not sure if you are curious. But it's really tough going unloved by you. Every morning, I wake up in fright, and the first thing I do is to quickly check my phone to see if you texted me. If I'm tired enough to wake up only after 6 hours, I can't go back to sleep. If I just sleep for 3 hours, and I get frightened and check my phone, I still can't go back to sleep. Every single moment I live in fear, fearing that I'd lose you even after I lost you. Then after I wake up I try to focus on my studies. I take up a book, every 5 minutes I would think of you. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel like dying. I know I can't so I turn to friends. If i woke up too early my friends are not awake, I cry until i feel like vomitting. If I wake up late enough I text 10 different people to channel my negative feelings, only a few are nice enough to entertain my sorrows. I try not to disturb you and whenever I do, I really really am so down, my next option is to die. Sometimes i can't reach you, but it helps that you will text me back to say "I'm sorry peiru i missed your call". I'm thankful that you still would pick up my calls and listen to me talk. I'm thankful you didnt feel annoyed when I disturbed you. At least you didnt show it to me even if you did. Please know that I'm really really really sorry that I'm taking so much of your time to listen to my rambling. If I could control myself, I wouldn't. but when I call you, please know that I really need it.
Every day I wonder, what does it take for someone to lose feelings. This is the question that bugs me every single day. Is it because of my bad temper? But I promised I'd change. Is it because of my bad relations with my family, that you presume I cannot handle familial ties? But I actually am good at maintaining. Is it because my figure is not good enough? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Is it because you see no future in us? But i see a really happy couple in us, and I promised to keep it good forever. These thoughts just keep going in my head. My friend pointed it out that since your feelings changed, it'd never be the same. This statement literally scared me. But Jiamin said it's possible that oppa's feelings can mature, and develop into another kind of feeling that is more formidable, stronger than the first initial feelings that held us together. Deep down inside me, I know we're just never gonna be the same. Yet, I still believe that as long as two people devote to be together forever, feelings, lesser or more doesnt matter, because this couple has the stability, that no matter how one party treats the other, both would never leave each other.
That stability in relationships is what I want. The will of being together with each other, and no matter what, never to say break up. I know I did it a lot of times, but now I experienced how instable it is, I would never ever say it again. but to you, I'm just not the one you trust to not do this anymore. I apologize deeply, Iif only I had the chance to make amends for you, I promise I would never do it again.
My friend asked me, before I decide to cry over our broken relationship, why am I actually crying? It's simple, I'm crying over the loss of not only you, but also a future so beautiful, a future we always imagined to be so perfect, is suddenly gone. Without this vision, I temporarily lost a sense of direction in life. You were always good at focusing on that's most important at the moment, probably that's why you can shut off your feelings and work like a machine, and be almost heartless. I'm just happy that of all the things you shut off, you would still talk to me and entertain my demanding sorrows. Again I must apologize for imposing on you. Please understand what I'm going through is really hell, don't be angry or annoyed by me. please don't
The other day you said that you didn't do anything for me. You're so silly oppa. You did tons of things for me. You got my family food, toys and perfume. When my feet ached you would gently kiss it and massage it for me. You take my cold hands to your heart and warmed it up. You hug me to take the cold away. You make me laugh with almost every single comment you made, you're that funny. its all the simple actions you do that I appreciate and made me fall in love with you. My love is this simple to satisfy. Last night I was out with my friends, a bunch of them smoked and the smoke just blew in my face. then I remembered you Oppa, you would always push me away because you know I'd get affected by it. I'm just so touched. every single thing you do for me I remember and placed it in my heart. All of these simple gestures are your present for me, and each time I unfold them one by one, and I cry because I'll never get it again.
I thought a lot about how I should handle this breakup situation. Should I leave you alone or should I stay and hold on to us? I'm afraid everything that I'm doing now, when I feel sad I still call you, when I feel like it I still text you... would irritate you sooner or later. If I continue, would you one day get sick of it? Please tell me if you would like me to stop this. I would control myself and never burden you with my excessive emotional texts and calls again. I really feel deeply sorry that I am bothering you T_T; Oppa I didn't mean it. I told you, every single day I'd remind you that you never have to feel alone again. So at least for that one text, you have to accept it. Unless you want me to stop. I will. T_T;;;;;;; but I just can't bear. Even if I stop doing it, you must know every single day, whatever decision you make, you will be so so so loved by me. Whether I tell it to you or not, every morning, once you open your eyes, you might not see a text, but I'll always be around... Understand?
I just don't understand why your texts so obviously is telling me that you don't love me anymore but yet you give me hope. Last thursday, you said "I feel heart ache that my poor thing has to go to work *crying face*" "Hun I miss you *crying face* where are you....." "Can I come to your work by 11 30, we go lunch together" That one just broke me. You already went back to new zealand, yet you still said these. I feel like you still do care about me, yet your attitude towards me have changed entirely, that you just can't bring yourself to love me anymore.
All these days, the most you could say was "Thank you peiru", "Don't do this/that peiru", "Please don't be so nice to me" I really feel heartbroken. Because these words mean that "I really appreciate everything you have done for me, but I cannot treat you back the same, therefore, all i'm feeling is guilty, sorry and thankful that you're so nice to me". It sucks to know that the person whom you love so much, can only feel everything but love for you. Or this person, can feel your love for him, yet cannot bring himself to love you back.
Everyday, these are the thoughts that go through my head. These are the torture that I go through every day. but it saddens me more that no matter how down I feel, you don't love me enough to pick me up from the ground and tell me "hey, I had enough of hurting you. I shouldnt have done this to you because whatever you're doing hurts me double. lets just get back together & live the happy life we initially had planned" You don't love me enough like that.
My handphone wall paper is still your picture. I was advised to change it so I won't think about you anymore. I searched my entire phone for another picture to replace. It's all pictures of you and me. I wonder if you have already deleted them. I know you're that type who'd do it. If you havent I know you love me still. If you did, I would have absolutely no place in your heart. I couldnt find a suitable picture. So you're still on my wallpaper smiling at me. At least that oppa I see in the wall paper was the one who loved me with his entire heart.
Today I have a lot of inspiration to blog about our past. But I've had a really tiring day. today was worse than yesterday because I kept crying so hard. Even as I'm blogging this my eyes closed several times. Maybe i'd continue in another post tomorrow. But please know that you're not alone. I'm just tired tonight.
Lord, please take me away in my sleep. Its too painful to live without oppa. take me away.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
2nd day
28 Sept 2013: Today is the 2nd day we broke up. I deliberated since yesterday whether I should blog about us. I'm afraid to confront my memories, because now memories are the scariest enemies. You know I have goldfish memory, but after you said the word yesterday, every single image started to surface into my mind. I'm so afraid of letting go I think of all these things we've been through, from the first day I knew you till the time you finally said it's over. I'm so afraid of letting go that memories are the only thing I can hold onto, it's the only thing that belongs to the both of us now. I revisited every single image, and each one just pierced into my heart. How magical was the way we met, how magical was the first time we met, how strongly i felt when you first held my hand for the wrong reason, and how attached I now feel towards you when you finally held my hand for the right reason. I just never thought that that strong hold of yours, that you once held so tightly upon, would bear to let it go... My heart, my heart is breaking, can't you feel it? I'm crying so loud, for so long, can't you hear it?
I'm afraid to let you know how I actually feel now. i'm not sure if my words would frighten you and scare you away again. If I love you too much, I'm afraid you would be intimidated. I'm afraid feelings would backfire and you would feel irritated and angry instead. I never want you to feel this way. I just want to love you. For all the people who left you behind, who left you alone and hungry, who never really cared about you, whether you had enough food to eat, whether you slept well, whether you had a place to stay, whether you felt cold on the winter nights, whether you felt lonely and just want a person to rest on... I need you to know that now I'm here, you never have to feel the same. It's precisely this reason I came back to blog to let you know you are not alone anymore. You don't have to deal with everything on your own anymore. Because I'm here, & I promise, with all my life, I would never ever leave. How sure am I? I'm so sure that I can swear upon my life, whether it's a day, a week, a month or a year, 10 years or 100 years later, this committment towards caring about every single aspect of your life, would never die.
I thought about our past. You used to lean on me. When we go to the cinemas you leaned on my shoulders, when I was at the pavillion at Chris's condo at Khatib, you would lean on my lap, when we were in a cab, at home, you'd do the same. I always found you weird, that it was always the girl leaning on the guy instead, seldom the other way round. I used to think why is this guy so soft, so dependent when he's with me despite seeming so strong in front of other people. Then after knowing you bit by bit, I finally understood why.. This poor boy, this poor boy, had to study so hard and hardly had time to play during a time when he was most innocently free and happy for studies... he had to be forced to grow up so quick because of his mother's illness, he had to grow up so quick to show his maturity just in case his mother would never come to witness again. He was forced to grow up so quick because of his heartless father and sister who let him be drived out of the country and of the house, he was forced to grow up so quick so that he can deal with the harshness that life has dealt him with. From so young he had to lose his innocence to fend for himself, for lodging, for basic food, for clothes and education. And finallly this boy met me. you carelessly trusted me, I don't know what about me that drew you towards me, and for such a long time, this boy could finally find a place to rest without worry, in quiet peace, and all he want to do is just to rest your head on my laps and let me carress him with my loving strokes. I was so happy because God led you to me. I know I could take care of you. Oppa, I am your home. I'm sorry I'm not the richest girl, I hope you don't mind, but I have enough money to let us not worry about anything anymore. I have tons of love to shower you with, so please, please come back home. Come back home to me. You can lean on me all you want, I'd lend you my shoulders, lend you my lap, and treat you with the tenderness you always lacked. Come home to me.... T_T;
You used to tell me, all you want is for us to live simply, get a place to live, wake up just to see each other everyday. That you're tired of life and you just want to settle down. You told me this is all you wanted. I used to want more. I used to think i have the capability to live a better life for us, so I thought of academic pursuits, of career pursuits, and I upset you once when I told you I thought of going overseas to study. Now they are no longer important to me anymore. After I got acquiainted to you and understood your character more, I found myself increasingly attached to you, and my dreams just aligned with yours somehow without my notice. Remember how reluctant I was when you wanted us to be together but I had so little faith I almost didn't want to start a long distance relationship with you? That little argument outside starbucks at the bench at Marina Square? You made me stay with you, you asked me to trust you. I trusted you, and day by day I loved you a little more, and a little more. Now, I can't get out of it.
I didn't want to tell you this, and neither do I want to stir up negative emotions inside of you. But I really can't help it. I'm too irrational now, I can't think with my brains. I have a quiz today and I studied hard for it. I wanted to fulfill my studies so that I can be prepared to take care of you whenever you need me to. I must be ever ready, whether you're willing or unwilling in future. This is what I tell myself constantly. But I am so weak, I'm sorry that when it comes to you, I'm so weak. I know I have to be stronger for you, but how can I be when I lost the love of my life? which hopelessly-in-love fool can be so unaffected when the person they want to love most is gone? I know you can. But my heart can't take it, I don't know how to survive this heartbreak. My biology is screwing up. My mind is so occupied with loss anything I put into my mouth my body rejects it, I puke hashbrowns and water and soup. But I'm so hungry. I want to survive well so I can take care of you. But I just can't swallow. I cried until i feel every organ in my body contracted with pain, they feel so messed up and it makes me vomit. I'm losing 1 kg a day. But i forced myself to go on, to study for the quiz later. But when my highlighter went out of ink, I rose to my stationery corner to reach out for my highlighter, I blacked out and I lost sight and became deaf temporarily. I almost fainted like the day I donated blood. & I just realised my body is failing, I'm scared. Oppa, I'm really scared. I swear I forced myself to eat. I really don't want to disappoint you but I can't cope with this loss.
You are my world. I gave my heart out to you. I gave my soul to you. I never regretted once for every single time and thing we did together and for each other. You are worth it. You are the most special person God has given to me. & each day of my life, I thank him for it.
I remember the sunflower I got you on valentine's day. It's the first time I ever bought flowers for a boy. I told you you were special to me (: maybe somehow then I already knew we might not be together, so I wrote to you, something like "whether or not we are together, please retain this sunshine smile of yours". Your smile is so bright, I'm not sure if you realised. Your smile, together with the smiley eyes is just heartmelting. So whatever happens, remember my words, continue to smile. When you forget my words, you can always read my little card again. Don't throw away my concern for you.
Everyday I would pray for you, that your car that you spent so much energy on doing up would sell well for you to have better finances and a better life. I just feel so painful, because I'm not wealthy, I can't keep something you love so much for you. This heartache never goes away.
I don't care how you view us. But I made a promise to love you. Of all the times I said I wanted to leave, I'm sorry but I never really wanted to leave. It's my childish way to gain your attention back. & with each leaving it only made my feelings stronger for you because I feel the loss. But I never knew you were so sensitive to people leaving. I remember those times where you told me "i just never thought that you would leave" my heart ached. I swear I really never wanted to leave. How could I ever bear? It's my darling Eddie, my darling, how could I ever bear to leave you? This promise of love I made with you I'm holding on so tight, as tight as how you always held my hand, even if you chose to leave now doesn't mean I have to go too. I'm standing here, I'm standing right here, with welcoming arms I would always embrace your return. You can do whatever you want, like a kid who momentarily felt neglect and ran away from home, I'm the gracious homemaker, ready to receive this boy back into my arms again.
When you're with me, sometimes you're a man, sometimes you're a boy. You laugh so innocently, you play tricks on other people so carelessly and naughtily, you sometimes whine, I'm not even sure if you yourself realised. You'd do the "popo" thing just to kiss me. The signature "but I don't want to" sounds so cute I need to bite off your cheeks. It's so frivolous, willful and heartaching. I just immediately go "okay okay, you don't have to". I miss that. I am so thankful that in front of me you can be so genuinely you. You know I would be the last person to judge you. But I'm sorry for the times I failed to trust your abilities. I said that it was difficult for you to come over here, I didn't mean to undermine or look down on your abilities, I was just trying to prep you for the worst. I never thought you'd be hurt. i admit I said it in a very bad attitude. I'm sorry. But now it just doesn't matter anymore, because when I said I'm ready to abandon Singapore to go live with you, I meant every single word of it. I would never lie to you. You know me.
When you are the man, you're so gentle. When my feet hurts after walking the entire day, you'd take off my shoes and massage them. When I tell you my finger or feet hurts you'd kiss them and the pain would go away. You whisper things to me and you're so cheeky at times. You hold my hand with such a strong hold even my heartstrings get tickled by you. You hug me with such a tight embrace I feel like you'll never let go. I feel safe and warm and all the cold and pain and aches goes away. You hug me in our sleep and the next day your hands are still there. Your body I always complained were fat, but I loved it. It's muscular with one pack but it transforms to 6 easily with my pen. You aren't born with the most perfect features but to me you're the handsomest guy I ever met and I just like the way you are. no other guys, not even the boy at korean plaza can beat you. You know I was always teasing you right? When you're around my head would never turn for others, my eyes can only fixate on you. I only wished all these while you actually saw when i look at you, it literally looks like the iphone emoticon with the heartshaped eyes. You have a sense of humour that appeals to me, everything you say is funny to me. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and moral values that govern your thinking. It's all so alluring and mesmerizing at the same time. Your voice is a lullaby, it's so calming my troubles goes away, it sounds like a song that I would replay on my itunes again and again and again. How can I ever get sick of a person like this? You're just too perfect to me I feel inferior, maybe I'm not good enough for you.
I still can't stop blaming myself that it is my impatience that made you initiate our ending. I can never ever forgive myself for this. But regardless, I know once this is over, you'd never come back. Given your pride, I know you won't. That's why I offered you the option that when you want to come back, i'll always welcome you back, I wanted to make sure this strongheaded boy knows he could. I'm so scared of what's out there for us. But please know that I will never ever ever quarrel with you again. We have to find a way to sort out our differences. Next time I will immediately forgive you, on the spot, for everything that I may find offensive. I won't even give you a last warning. No yellow cards, no red cards. Immediate forgiveness, and I'm committed to do this for you. Because Eddie, you're special enough. Your happiness is my priority and I really mean it. 날 믿어요.
My heart aches so much for everything you are going through right now. I wished I could help. I bet I can. But all I can do is I know you're going through a little heartbreak everyday as well. So I hope this would fill that emptiess in your heart for a little while. Everyday, I will show you I'm here for you. I'll text you everyday to remind you you're loved by someone so you can choose to be alone, but you don't have to be lonely again.
Today's : Eddie, remember you're still deeply loved by me. 사랑해요.
I'm afraid to let you know how I actually feel now. i'm not sure if my words would frighten you and scare you away again. If I love you too much, I'm afraid you would be intimidated. I'm afraid feelings would backfire and you would feel irritated and angry instead. I never want you to feel this way. I just want to love you. For all the people who left you behind, who left you alone and hungry, who never really cared about you, whether you had enough food to eat, whether you slept well, whether you had a place to stay, whether you felt cold on the winter nights, whether you felt lonely and just want a person to rest on... I need you to know that now I'm here, you never have to feel the same. It's precisely this reason I came back to blog to let you know you are not alone anymore. You don't have to deal with everything on your own anymore. Because I'm here, & I promise, with all my life, I would never ever leave. How sure am I? I'm so sure that I can swear upon my life, whether it's a day, a week, a month or a year, 10 years or 100 years later, this committment towards caring about every single aspect of your life, would never die.
I thought about our past. You used to lean on me. When we go to the cinemas you leaned on my shoulders, when I was at the pavillion at Chris's condo at Khatib, you would lean on my lap, when we were in a cab, at home, you'd do the same. I always found you weird, that it was always the girl leaning on the guy instead, seldom the other way round. I used to think why is this guy so soft, so dependent when he's with me despite seeming so strong in front of other people. Then after knowing you bit by bit, I finally understood why.. This poor boy, this poor boy, had to study so hard and hardly had time to play during a time when he was most innocently free and happy for studies... he had to be forced to grow up so quick because of his mother's illness, he had to grow up so quick to show his maturity just in case his mother would never come to witness again. He was forced to grow up so quick because of his heartless father and sister who let him be drived out of the country and of the house, he was forced to grow up so quick so that he can deal with the harshness that life has dealt him with. From so young he had to lose his innocence to fend for himself, for lodging, for basic food, for clothes and education. And finallly this boy met me. you carelessly trusted me, I don't know what about me that drew you towards me, and for such a long time, this boy could finally find a place to rest without worry, in quiet peace, and all he want to do is just to rest your head on my laps and let me carress him with my loving strokes. I was so happy because God led you to me. I know I could take care of you. Oppa, I am your home. I'm sorry I'm not the richest girl, I hope you don't mind, but I have enough money to let us not worry about anything anymore. I have tons of love to shower you with, so please, please come back home. Come back home to me. You can lean on me all you want, I'd lend you my shoulders, lend you my lap, and treat you with the tenderness you always lacked. Come home to me.... T_T;
You used to tell me, all you want is for us to live simply, get a place to live, wake up just to see each other everyday. That you're tired of life and you just want to settle down. You told me this is all you wanted. I used to want more. I used to think i have the capability to live a better life for us, so I thought of academic pursuits, of career pursuits, and I upset you once when I told you I thought of going overseas to study. Now they are no longer important to me anymore. After I got acquiainted to you and understood your character more, I found myself increasingly attached to you, and my dreams just aligned with yours somehow without my notice. Remember how reluctant I was when you wanted us to be together but I had so little faith I almost didn't want to start a long distance relationship with you? That little argument outside starbucks at the bench at Marina Square? You made me stay with you, you asked me to trust you. I trusted you, and day by day I loved you a little more, and a little more. Now, I can't get out of it.
I didn't want to tell you this, and neither do I want to stir up negative emotions inside of you. But I really can't help it. I'm too irrational now, I can't think with my brains. I have a quiz today and I studied hard for it. I wanted to fulfill my studies so that I can be prepared to take care of you whenever you need me to. I must be ever ready, whether you're willing or unwilling in future. This is what I tell myself constantly. But I am so weak, I'm sorry that when it comes to you, I'm so weak. I know I have to be stronger for you, but how can I be when I lost the love of my life? which hopelessly-in-love fool can be so unaffected when the person they want to love most is gone? I know you can. But my heart can't take it, I don't know how to survive this heartbreak. My biology is screwing up. My mind is so occupied with loss anything I put into my mouth my body rejects it, I puke hashbrowns and water and soup. But I'm so hungry. I want to survive well so I can take care of you. But I just can't swallow. I cried until i feel every organ in my body contracted with pain, they feel so messed up and it makes me vomit. I'm losing 1 kg a day. But i forced myself to go on, to study for the quiz later. But when my highlighter went out of ink, I rose to my stationery corner to reach out for my highlighter, I blacked out and I lost sight and became deaf temporarily. I almost fainted like the day I donated blood. & I just realised my body is failing, I'm scared. Oppa, I'm really scared. I swear I forced myself to eat. I really don't want to disappoint you but I can't cope with this loss.
You are my world. I gave my heart out to you. I gave my soul to you. I never regretted once for every single time and thing we did together and for each other. You are worth it. You are the most special person God has given to me. & each day of my life, I thank him for it.
I remember the sunflower I got you on valentine's day. It's the first time I ever bought flowers for a boy. I told you you were special to me (: maybe somehow then I already knew we might not be together, so I wrote to you, something like "whether or not we are together, please retain this sunshine smile of yours". Your smile is so bright, I'm not sure if you realised. Your smile, together with the smiley eyes is just heartmelting. So whatever happens, remember my words, continue to smile. When you forget my words, you can always read my little card again. Don't throw away my concern for you.
Everyday I would pray for you, that your car that you spent so much energy on doing up would sell well for you to have better finances and a better life. I just feel so painful, because I'm not wealthy, I can't keep something you love so much for you. This heartache never goes away.
I don't care how you view us. But I made a promise to love you. Of all the times I said I wanted to leave, I'm sorry but I never really wanted to leave. It's my childish way to gain your attention back. & with each leaving it only made my feelings stronger for you because I feel the loss. But I never knew you were so sensitive to people leaving. I remember those times where you told me "i just never thought that you would leave" my heart ached. I swear I really never wanted to leave. How could I ever bear? It's my darling Eddie, my darling, how could I ever bear to leave you? This promise of love I made with you I'm holding on so tight, as tight as how you always held my hand, even if you chose to leave now doesn't mean I have to go too. I'm standing here, I'm standing right here, with welcoming arms I would always embrace your return. You can do whatever you want, like a kid who momentarily felt neglect and ran away from home, I'm the gracious homemaker, ready to receive this boy back into my arms again.
When you're with me, sometimes you're a man, sometimes you're a boy. You laugh so innocently, you play tricks on other people so carelessly and naughtily, you sometimes whine, I'm not even sure if you yourself realised. You'd do the "popo" thing just to kiss me. The signature "but I don't want to" sounds so cute I need to bite off your cheeks. It's so frivolous, willful and heartaching. I just immediately go "okay okay, you don't have to". I miss that. I am so thankful that in front of me you can be so genuinely you. You know I would be the last person to judge you. But I'm sorry for the times I failed to trust your abilities. I said that it was difficult for you to come over here, I didn't mean to undermine or look down on your abilities, I was just trying to prep you for the worst. I never thought you'd be hurt. i admit I said it in a very bad attitude. I'm sorry. But now it just doesn't matter anymore, because when I said I'm ready to abandon Singapore to go live with you, I meant every single word of it. I would never lie to you. You know me.
When you are the man, you're so gentle. When my feet hurts after walking the entire day, you'd take off my shoes and massage them. When I tell you my finger or feet hurts you'd kiss them and the pain would go away. You whisper things to me and you're so cheeky at times. You hold my hand with such a strong hold even my heartstrings get tickled by you. You hug me with such a tight embrace I feel like you'll never let go. I feel safe and warm and all the cold and pain and aches goes away. You hug me in our sleep and the next day your hands are still there. Your body I always complained were fat, but I loved it. It's muscular with one pack but it transforms to 6 easily with my pen. You aren't born with the most perfect features but to me you're the handsomest guy I ever met and I just like the way you are. no other guys, not even the boy at korean plaza can beat you. You know I was always teasing you right? When you're around my head would never turn for others, my eyes can only fixate on you. I only wished all these while you actually saw when i look at you, it literally looks like the iphone emoticon with the heartshaped eyes. You have a sense of humour that appeals to me, everything you say is funny to me. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and moral values that govern your thinking. It's all so alluring and mesmerizing at the same time. Your voice is a lullaby, it's so calming my troubles goes away, it sounds like a song that I would replay on my itunes again and again and again. How can I ever get sick of a person like this? You're just too perfect to me I feel inferior, maybe I'm not good enough for you.
I still can't stop blaming myself that it is my impatience that made you initiate our ending. I can never ever forgive myself for this. But regardless, I know once this is over, you'd never come back. Given your pride, I know you won't. That's why I offered you the option that when you want to come back, i'll always welcome you back, I wanted to make sure this strongheaded boy knows he could. I'm so scared of what's out there for us. But please know that I will never ever ever quarrel with you again. We have to find a way to sort out our differences. Next time I will immediately forgive you, on the spot, for everything that I may find offensive. I won't even give you a last warning. No yellow cards, no red cards. Immediate forgiveness, and I'm committed to do this for you. Because Eddie, you're special enough. Your happiness is my priority and I really mean it. 날 믿어요.
My heart aches so much for everything you are going through right now. I wished I could help. I bet I can. But all I can do is I know you're going through a little heartbreak everyday as well. So I hope this would fill that emptiess in your heart for a little while. Everyday, I will show you I'm here for you. I'll text you everyday to remind you you're loved by someone so you can choose to be alone, but you don't have to be lonely again.
Today's : Eddie, remember you're still deeply loved by me. 사랑해요.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
I knew it...
It's not something to be proud of, knowing how you actually felt about me. I knew it. From the time we reconciled, and until now, I feel your distance. Your lack of "I love you"s and enthusiasm to update me about your life, and to wake me up in the morning has been disturbing me a whole lot. I've been trying to channel this into other things I do but every 5 seconds all I think about is how to salvage this love.
So today we had the talk. I told you how I feel and you confirmed my suspicions, that ever since that day you felt different, you never quite bounced back. I felt it right from the start, but it was easier since you were still around. Now that you're not, everyday is living hell. To live without my loved one loving me is living hell. My heart gets ripped apart millions of times a day, yet I'm surviving on one single thread of hope that you'll come back to me. You said you are sure you'll bounce back not just because I'm good to you, but because I am the one. But later on when I asked, "what if you never bounce back? What if the feeling never comes back?" You weren't sure anymore. My heart sank, with tonnes of stones pulling my entire heart down. But I don't want to force you. If you feel this way, the harder I push, the further you will stray away from me. I started reading love quotes to regain a new perspective of our relationship. There was one that really struck me. "Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold it tighter"
I immediately knew it was wrong. Not until I try until the very last moment, not until you give up, I wouldn't. But I thought about it. You wanted to give us up before, that very fateful day. I must have made you very angry. But please let me know if that's an option. This time I would back off and let you love your life if that makes you happier. Perhaps I'm holding too tight onto you. But if even I let go, our relationship would really fail. So please don't blame me for holding onto you. You really don't know what you mean to me. To me you are my world. I cannot imagine if I have to live without you. The extent of my love, you really really have no idea.
Another quote says "love is a decision, a judgement, a promise . If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and goes" -Erich Fromm ... but promises stay. So if it's the feeling you're searching for, perhaps it would only last us temporarily. But my feelings for you is as strong as an eternal promise. It would never change.
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It's dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds. It dies of weariness, of with wrings and of tarnishings" - Anais Nin. Love shouldn't die between us. But I did something wrong to make you lose the feeling. In essence I'm pretty sure it died. I'm sorry for my error. I would say this a thousand times, and I would still feel sorry. But I'm doing everything I can to salvage my mistakes, to make it up to you. Please stay with me. Please.
This quote really voices my heart "sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence" -David Byrne. I thought this is so us. We had nothing in common yet everything you say captivates me. This was how I fell in love with you. Yet I'm not sure why you fell in love with me. Maybe there's nothing left to keep you by my side anymore... Maybe that's why you lost it.
I loved the way you are, slowly, by your voice, then your character, and slowly, everything about you. I cannot let go. Yet, I slowly realize, I cannot be selfish to keep you by my side. Perhaps all you want is to walk away without feeling the burden of love. But love never comes easy. The right one never comes easy. You can't throw it away....
Kyoung tae oppa, don't throw us away.
So today we had the talk. I told you how I feel and you confirmed my suspicions, that ever since that day you felt different, you never quite bounced back. I felt it right from the start, but it was easier since you were still around. Now that you're not, everyday is living hell. To live without my loved one loving me is living hell. My heart gets ripped apart millions of times a day, yet I'm surviving on one single thread of hope that you'll come back to me. You said you are sure you'll bounce back not just because I'm good to you, but because I am the one. But later on when I asked, "what if you never bounce back? What if the feeling never comes back?" You weren't sure anymore. My heart sank, with tonnes of stones pulling my entire heart down. But I don't want to force you. If you feel this way, the harder I push, the further you will stray away from me. I started reading love quotes to regain a new perspective of our relationship. There was one that really struck me. "Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold it tighter"
I immediately knew it was wrong. Not until I try until the very last moment, not until you give up, I wouldn't. But I thought about it. You wanted to give us up before, that very fateful day. I must have made you very angry. But please let me know if that's an option. This time I would back off and let you love your life if that makes you happier. Perhaps I'm holding too tight onto you. But if even I let go, our relationship would really fail. So please don't blame me for holding onto you. You really don't know what you mean to me. To me you are my world. I cannot imagine if I have to live without you. The extent of my love, you really really have no idea.
Another quote says "love is a decision, a judgement, a promise . If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and goes" -Erich Fromm ... but promises stay. So if it's the feeling you're searching for, perhaps it would only last us temporarily. But my feelings for you is as strong as an eternal promise. It would never change.
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It's dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds. It dies of weariness, of with wrings and of tarnishings" - Anais Nin. Love shouldn't die between us. But I did something wrong to make you lose the feeling. In essence I'm pretty sure it died. I'm sorry for my error. I would say this a thousand times, and I would still feel sorry. But I'm doing everything I can to salvage my mistakes, to make it up to you. Please stay with me. Please.
This quote really voices my heart "sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence" -David Byrne. I thought this is so us. We had nothing in common yet everything you say captivates me. This was how I fell in love with you. Yet I'm not sure why you fell in love with me. Maybe there's nothing left to keep you by my side anymore... Maybe that's why you lost it.
I loved the way you are, slowly, by your voice, then your character, and slowly, everything about you. I cannot let go. Yet, I slowly realize, I cannot be selfish to keep you by my side. Perhaps all you want is to walk away without feeling the burden of love. But love never comes easy. The right one never comes easy. You can't throw it away....
Kyoung tae oppa, don't throw us away.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Stay positive
my female hormones are raging. I alone and lonely. I'm not used to this. My extremely tough homework is driving me nuts. I'm trying to turn all these into a positive energy to write something that makes sense for my homework. Honey, please give me strength even in your sleep. I'm enduring for us and our future. I can do this.
I need to get to you soon. I need to be by your side. I need to graduate. I need to complete this faster. I need you in my life. I need to fulfill life goals. I need to finish this homework now as if today is the deadline.
I need to get to you soon. I need to be by your side. I need to graduate. I need to complete this faster. I need you in my life. I need to fulfill life goals. I need to finish this homework now as if today is the deadline.
anxieties
25 September 2013: I missed you. I wanted to talk to you, so I got up at 2.30am to give you the morning call. You can't be reached. I don't know what's wrong. You told me there were some internet issues. I hope it's all gonna be rectified and you would quickly reply me soon. My heart is dying. I need to hear your voice to revive myself. What has gone wrong? I try not to think too much but blame it on the lack of internet service on your side. Please tell me that it is the case.
It's easier to hold onto you. But I feel like you're slipping away. I'm rambling, because the thoughts in my head are about to explode. I'm worried. I'm worried about everything you. Please please please, tell me you're okay.
Update: Turns out you're okay. You just overslept. I'm relieved. Ever since you 'ran away' I become paranoid, I'm scared you'd leave again. Now it's worse, because you're not in my territory. The Earth is so vast, the seas are too violent. If I don't hold onto you, I don't know when you're slipping away again. I fear the feeling of loss. May it never strike upon me again. I've learned the values to cherish and value current moments of joy. Please be on the same side as I am Edward.
It can be just us against the World.
Today I told you how I really felt, you said "I finally feel like you are 100% with me, you have got my back, you support me and trust me for who i am, not what I will be in the future." I'm glad we arrived at this conclusion after so long. I'm sorry I took so long to realise all the good in you. I swear I knew it before, otherwise I wouldn't have been with you. But I just wonder why did it take so long to surface into my consciousness. Perhaps because you weren't here, to help me realise what you meant to me. I'm a physical person. Perhaps because I hardly see and feel you so the love is difficult to manifest itself into my heart from my brains. All along our relationship have been too-good to be true, it's hard for me to believe that we can stand against the test of time and distance. I hope you understand me. But it's different now. I now believe we are strong enough if only we want to. Please be on the same page as me. I hope nothing has changed on your side.
Edward, I see you as a very well-formed man. Through this September visit, you told me about your past again. This time, you fed me with more details. I don't sympathise or pity you honey. In fact, I envy your strong character and I admire your traits. It is both charming and touching at the same time. You possess the kind of resilience toward this merciless life that dealt you with nothing gentle, nothing I can ever imagine. My experiences shy in the light of yours. What I have gone through is nothing compared to what you have been through, yet while I wallow very much in my own self-pity, you embrace life as it is and give it no worries. I'm the opposite of you, and you became my role model. I look up to you now in all aspects of life and I trust you enough to give you my heart to handle. Please take good care of me.
Recently it could have been the jet lag. You're sleeping a lot. I've not been sleeping a lot. My heart inclines toward you, i still miss the times where I wake up and there you are. I recall how difficult it was every morning I had to leave you for work. But it was easier that I know once I get off work, I could immediately see you. Now I'm having problems adjusting back even though you've just been here for 2 weeks. I could no longer wake up in your arms and I no longer am able to see your face right after work. I feel so empty and hollow inside of me. This time when you went back, you took a very big part of me along. I wonder if you feel the same. But i've been a terrible girlfriend so maybe your leaving was a kind of relief, no need to face the bad tempered girlfriend every morning, no need to be on the boyfriend duty of fetching me from work, no need to starve the entire morning because no one made you breakfast, no need to endure the days without coffee and orange juice that the bad girlfriend didn't prepare for you. But I hope this time, you forget all our differences, because I promised I would change for you. The next time you come, we would be more loving than ever.
I secretly hope you still maintain your tradition of reading what I write to you through my blog here. It means so much to me, that you bother to know how I feel. Because most of the time we don't see each other, I don't get to pour my heart out to you to tell you how I feel. My love for you generates at a very fast speed. It probably generates even faster than a man producing sperm per second. I'm sorry this allusion is disgusting but it is disgustingly appropriate. (: I know if I tell you all these verbally, you might get irritated by a woman's constant rambling. So I put it all here, when you feel like it, and when you cared, please visit this space to see how I feel about you and about us.
People say the only thing that remains constant is change. That's so debatable. Because to me, the only thing that remains constant is my love for you, and it never would change. That, I'm absolutely sure of.
Kyoung Tae oppa, you are the one person I ever loved so much. You must be a special person. You are.
Update: Turns out you're okay. You just overslept. I'm relieved. Ever since you 'ran away' I become paranoid, I'm scared you'd leave again. Now it's worse, because you're not in my territory. The Earth is so vast, the seas are too violent. If I don't hold onto you, I don't know when you're slipping away again. I fear the feeling of loss. May it never strike upon me again. I've learned the values to cherish and value current moments of joy. Please be on the same side as I am Edward.
It can be just us against the World.
Today I told you how I really felt, you said "I finally feel like you are 100% with me, you have got my back, you support me and trust me for who i am, not what I will be in the future." I'm glad we arrived at this conclusion after so long. I'm sorry I took so long to realise all the good in you. I swear I knew it before, otherwise I wouldn't have been with you. But I just wonder why did it take so long to surface into my consciousness. Perhaps because you weren't here, to help me realise what you meant to me. I'm a physical person. Perhaps because I hardly see and feel you so the love is difficult to manifest itself into my heart from my brains. All along our relationship have been too-good to be true, it's hard for me to believe that we can stand against the test of time and distance. I hope you understand me. But it's different now. I now believe we are strong enough if only we want to. Please be on the same page as me. I hope nothing has changed on your side.
Edward, I see you as a very well-formed man. Through this September visit, you told me about your past again. This time, you fed me with more details. I don't sympathise or pity you honey. In fact, I envy your strong character and I admire your traits. It is both charming and touching at the same time. You possess the kind of resilience toward this merciless life that dealt you with nothing gentle, nothing I can ever imagine. My experiences shy in the light of yours. What I have gone through is nothing compared to what you have been through, yet while I wallow very much in my own self-pity, you embrace life as it is and give it no worries. I'm the opposite of you, and you became my role model. I look up to you now in all aspects of life and I trust you enough to give you my heart to handle. Please take good care of me.
Recently it could have been the jet lag. You're sleeping a lot. I've not been sleeping a lot. My heart inclines toward you, i still miss the times where I wake up and there you are. I recall how difficult it was every morning I had to leave you for work. But it was easier that I know once I get off work, I could immediately see you. Now I'm having problems adjusting back even though you've just been here for 2 weeks. I could no longer wake up in your arms and I no longer am able to see your face right after work. I feel so empty and hollow inside of me. This time when you went back, you took a very big part of me along. I wonder if you feel the same. But i've been a terrible girlfriend so maybe your leaving was a kind of relief, no need to face the bad tempered girlfriend every morning, no need to be on the boyfriend duty of fetching me from work, no need to starve the entire morning because no one made you breakfast, no need to endure the days without coffee and orange juice that the bad girlfriend didn't prepare for you. But I hope this time, you forget all our differences, because I promised I would change for you. The next time you come, we would be more loving than ever.
I secretly hope you still maintain your tradition of reading what I write to you through my blog here. It means so much to me, that you bother to know how I feel. Because most of the time we don't see each other, I don't get to pour my heart out to you to tell you how I feel. My love for you generates at a very fast speed. It probably generates even faster than a man producing sperm per second. I'm sorry this allusion is disgusting but it is disgustingly appropriate. (: I know if I tell you all these verbally, you might get irritated by a woman's constant rambling. So I put it all here, when you feel like it, and when you cared, please visit this space to see how I feel about you and about us.
People say the only thing that remains constant is change. That's so debatable. Because to me, the only thing that remains constant is my love for you, and it never would change. That, I'm absolutely sure of.
Kyoung Tae oppa, you are the one person I ever loved so much. You must be a special person. You are.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
All good things about you
I only want to remember all the good things about you, no matter how painful it is to look back at these pretty memories again.
23 September 2013: I remembered the song you were listening to the day we fought (again I'm deeply sorry, no amount of sorrys can ever make up for you I know, but i'm sorry other than proving to you with a lifetime of love and sorrys, there's no way I can take it back, everyday I could only ask for your forgiveness). Club 8, love in december. I listened to it. It's so melancholic, so sentimental and so sad. I told you I replayed the song again and again, I told you "it sounds too sad". You replied "Hmm it depends on your mood hun *crying face* you must be feeling sad. This will cheer you up! and then you sent me a really cute picture of your new car bedsheet. I became the happiest girl on earth. I laughed to myself. I only wished you were there to witness my laughter and share it with me.
September 24 2013: Today I went to the doctors, for coming down with cough and flu after the weeks of crying because of the uncertainties between us which left my immunity damaged. I told you there were more than 40 people in line before me, you said "Why the q so bloody long *insert 3 crying faces, My babe is not well everyone out of way" I was touched by these little things you say. It makes me cry.
Later in the afternoon, you said to me "Hun I wanted to wear the shoes you got me, but if my foot hurts again, I have no one to put plaster on for me *teardrop face* so I couldn't wear them" I said "Oh no Why didn't I think of that. I should have gotten you plasters" You said "I can get plasters here" I said " Mine's different. Mine's filled with love". You said "But no one to put it on for me..." I said " you got to wear them, it'll get seasoned one day" you said "But I will wear them out *crying face* These shoes are from you, from peiru" My heart sank. My darling, please wear the pretty shoes. I know you love them. I love how sentimental you are. You're such a darling.
I told you "I havent' recovered from the pain of seeing you leave again, I wonder if you felt the same when you had no choice but to leave Singapore. If I were you, I couldn't, I imagined myself travelling to NZ. I'm scared". You answered "Everytime I go into the gate, it takes me so much time and courage to do it." I only wished god would have more mercy on us. Let us live together soon. It pains me so much. Nevermind about me, but it really pains me to see your heart ache like that.
you do cute little things like saying "popo". My heart melts.
you showed me a picture of the cookies I bought you. I'm so overwhelmed by joy you love it. I'm contented just seeing you eating well and happy. It makes me happy. It surprises me the little things you do have an exponential effect upon me. I don't know how to measure joy, but when you smile, my entire world lights up for years. Please stay that way. Everytime I think of the picture you sent me with your mother, I see that small boy smiling. My heart aches and all I want to do is to maintain that smile on his face. It's so precious I could give up a wedding ring made of diamond for a straw one. I really can. So oppa. Please smile more. Like the sunflower I gave you on valentine's day, and the card I wrote you, I told you to maintain that smile as bright as the sunflower. I love you so much, I gave my entire heart out to you when you went back to New Zealand. My heart is now so hollow, waiting to see you again so you can put it back.
Kyoung Tae oppa. I love you and only you.
23 September 2013: I remembered the song you were listening to the day we fought (again I'm deeply sorry, no amount of sorrys can ever make up for you I know, but i'm sorry other than proving to you with a lifetime of love and sorrys, there's no way I can take it back, everyday I could only ask for your forgiveness). Club 8, love in december. I listened to it. It's so melancholic, so sentimental and so sad. I told you I replayed the song again and again, I told you "it sounds too sad". You replied "Hmm it depends on your mood hun *crying face* you must be feeling sad. This will cheer you up! and then you sent me a really cute picture of your new car bedsheet. I became the happiest girl on earth. I laughed to myself. I only wished you were there to witness my laughter and share it with me.
September 24 2013: Today I went to the doctors, for coming down with cough and flu after the weeks of crying because of the uncertainties between us which left my immunity damaged. I told you there were more than 40 people in line before me, you said "Why the q so bloody long *insert 3 crying faces, My babe is not well everyone out of way" I was touched by these little things you say. It makes me cry.
Later in the afternoon, you said to me "Hun I wanted to wear the shoes you got me, but if my foot hurts again, I have no one to put plaster on for me *teardrop face* so I couldn't wear them" I said "Oh no Why didn't I think of that. I should have gotten you plasters" You said "I can get plasters here" I said " Mine's different. Mine's filled with love". You said "But no one to put it on for me..." I said " you got to wear them, it'll get seasoned one day" you said "But I will wear them out *crying face* These shoes are from you, from peiru" My heart sank. My darling, please wear the pretty shoes. I know you love them. I love how sentimental you are. You're such a darling.
I told you "I havent' recovered from the pain of seeing you leave again, I wonder if you felt the same when you had no choice but to leave Singapore. If I were you, I couldn't, I imagined myself travelling to NZ. I'm scared". You answered "Everytime I go into the gate, it takes me so much time and courage to do it." I only wished god would have more mercy on us. Let us live together soon. It pains me so much. Nevermind about me, but it really pains me to see your heart ache like that.
you do cute little things like saying "popo". My heart melts.
you showed me a picture of the cookies I bought you. I'm so overwhelmed by joy you love it. I'm contented just seeing you eating well and happy. It makes me happy. It surprises me the little things you do have an exponential effect upon me. I don't know how to measure joy, but when you smile, my entire world lights up for years. Please stay that way. Everytime I think of the picture you sent me with your mother, I see that small boy smiling. My heart aches and all I want to do is to maintain that smile on his face. It's so precious I could give up a wedding ring made of diamond for a straw one. I really can. So oppa. Please smile more. Like the sunflower I gave you on valentine's day, and the card I wrote you, I told you to maintain that smile as bright as the sunflower. I love you so much, I gave my entire heart out to you when you went back to New Zealand. My heart is now so hollow, waiting to see you again so you can put it back.
Kyoung Tae oppa. I love you and only you.
when intuition goes wrong
There's still 1 more year to go. I'm having my PMS and all my senses are heightened. I get too sensitive maybe. But it just seems weird. everything seems weird nowadays. I hope I'm not thinking too much.
我只希望 你还是爱我的.
在这个夏天的假期 , 所有感情都变了. 也许爱情淡掉了,也许爱情被忘掉了. Please dont forget what brought us together. Please remember why we were in love in the first place. Its what I always fall back upon in my darkest moments.
心疼的玫瑰 半夜還開著 找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到現場卻已來不及 等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的風箏 冬天裡飄著 回不去手中纏線的那個
沒有藍天 又何必去飛 怎麼適合
黑色笑靨掉了 雪白眼淚掉了 該出現的所有表情瞬間掉了
瞳孔沒有顏色 結了冰的長河 回憶是最可怕的敵人
更多更詳盡歌詞 在 ※ Mojim.com 魔鏡歌詞網
故事情節掉了 主角對白掉了 該屬於劇中的對角戲也掉了
胸口沒有快樂 斷了翅的白鴿 不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾經唱過的歌 分享過的笑聲 在心中不斷拉扯
想念不能承認 偷偷擦去淚痕 冬天過了還是會很冷
我只希望 你还是爱我的.
在这个夏天的假期 , 所有感情都变了. 也许爱情淡掉了,也许爱情被忘掉了. Please dont forget what brought us together. Please remember why we were in love in the first place. Its what I always fall back upon in my darkest moments.
心疼的玫瑰 半夜還開著 找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到現場卻已來不及 等待任何回音都不可得
微弱的風箏 冬天裡飄著 回不去手中纏線的那個
沒有藍天 又何必去飛 怎麼適合
黑色笑靨掉了 雪白眼淚掉了 該出現的所有表情瞬間掉了
瞳孔沒有顏色 結了冰的長河 回憶是最可怕的敵人
更多更詳盡歌詞 在 ※ Mojim.com 魔鏡歌詞網
故事情節掉了 主角對白掉了 該屬於劇中的對角戲也掉了
胸口沒有快樂 斷了翅的白鴿 不枯萎的藉口全掉了
曾經唱過的歌 分享過的笑聲 在心中不斷拉扯
想念不能承認 偷偷擦去淚痕 冬天過了還是會很冷
Monday, September 23, 2013
i'm all kinds of sick
Today, I'm all kinds of sick.
Physically sick: Bad cough. blocked nose. lethargy. giddiness. weak limbs. I wish I was stronger.
Mentally sick: The bad weeks before left my mind unrested and foggy. I'm not recovered from the heartaches and bullying. I wish I was stronger.
Lovesick : Yesterday, Edward, you left me again. I know it wasn't deliberate. I know you had to go back. But the heartbreak was not something I anticipated. It seemed so easy the previous times. Never had I thought it'd become so difficult. Your time here was so limited, yet within this short timeframe everything happened. We had our sweetest moments, we had our worst moments.The hardest part wasn't seeing you go. The hardest part was to survive the lovesick after you head back home.
Some part of me wished you never came. Now you left footprints all over Singapore. Everywhere I go I get reminded of the good and bad times together; the ghosts of you and me. The Ramen shop that ripped people off with $2 cups, Marina Square where we squeezed amongst the crowd to immerse in the thrilling atmosphere of F1, where loud engine noises, sparkles on the road and smoke filling the air ignites our excitement every single second of it. The late night frog porridge supper, late nights where I almost lost you. Dinner and lunches with uncle. afternoon food expeditions all around Raffles Place, sneak peeks at my dong seang at the Korean Plaza,simple street foods with taiwan noodle, chicken and herbal eggs and burgers. The snuggling and teasing in bed before sleep. The fruit ninja battles you never get to win. The shopping and makeover. The shoeless morning orange juice to convenience store and piggyback back home. Kimchi and curry cooking together.
I can't let any of these go. I can't let go.
What did you do to me? What magic did you cast on me. You seem more and more lovable, despite all your shortcomings. They are so easily forgotten in the light of your virtues. I'm not usually like this. I think I really am falling in love with you.
Maybe I became more sensitive. But as the days progressed, we seem to be drifting apart. From sweet hugs, lying on your shoulder during sleep became two people sleeping back facing each other. Articles say that it's a sign we're not getting along well. So I'm not sure. I'm just sorry if things aren't perfect between us, I have caused it all. I shouldn't have let this happen.
For so many mornings I did not make right. I'm sorry your coffee and orange juice weren't always available. But for the last 2 days I tried to right my wrongs. I hope that managed to seal the differences between us. I really never meant to cause a rift between us. I want to make good. I want to be your future. I'm sorry I made a happy boy unhappy.
I'm sorry this time you didn't get to eat your salted crab.
I'm sorry this time you didn't get to eat more durians.
I'm sorry this time, you suffered so much.
Even till now, the guilt rides on me perpetually. It never goes away. I'm sorry even my only mission to make your happy, I failed to accomplish it. But, give me a chance. You must be happy, and happier.
& lastly, homesick: My home is where you are. Now that you're not here, I don't feel the warmth of a home you bring me. Lets sort out our lives soon & lets be together soon.
I didn't mean to fall in love with you.& yet, everyday I must remember not to. My heart is too weak for this.
Physically sick: Bad cough. blocked nose. lethargy. giddiness. weak limbs. I wish I was stronger.
Mentally sick: The bad weeks before left my mind unrested and foggy. I'm not recovered from the heartaches and bullying. I wish I was stronger.
Lovesick : Yesterday, Edward, you left me again. I know it wasn't deliberate. I know you had to go back. But the heartbreak was not something I anticipated. It seemed so easy the previous times. Never had I thought it'd become so difficult. Your time here was so limited, yet within this short timeframe everything happened. We had our sweetest moments, we had our worst moments.The hardest part wasn't seeing you go. The hardest part was to survive the lovesick after you head back home.
Some part of me wished you never came. Now you left footprints all over Singapore. Everywhere I go I get reminded of the good and bad times together; the ghosts of you and me. The Ramen shop that ripped people off with $2 cups, Marina Square where we squeezed amongst the crowd to immerse in the thrilling atmosphere of F1, where loud engine noises, sparkles on the road and smoke filling the air ignites our excitement every single second of it. The late night frog porridge supper, late nights where I almost lost you. Dinner and lunches with uncle. afternoon food expeditions all around Raffles Place, sneak peeks at my dong seang at the Korean Plaza,simple street foods with taiwan noodle, chicken and herbal eggs and burgers. The snuggling and teasing in bed before sleep. The fruit ninja battles you never get to win. The shopping and makeover. The shoeless morning orange juice to convenience store and piggyback back home. Kimchi and curry cooking together.
I can't let any of these go. I can't let go.
What did you do to me? What magic did you cast on me. You seem more and more lovable, despite all your shortcomings. They are so easily forgotten in the light of your virtues. I'm not usually like this. I think I really am falling in love with you.
Maybe I became more sensitive. But as the days progressed, we seem to be drifting apart. From sweet hugs, lying on your shoulder during sleep became two people sleeping back facing each other. Articles say that it's a sign we're not getting along well. So I'm not sure. I'm just sorry if things aren't perfect between us, I have caused it all. I shouldn't have let this happen.
For so many mornings I did not make right. I'm sorry your coffee and orange juice weren't always available. But for the last 2 days I tried to right my wrongs. I hope that managed to seal the differences between us. I really never meant to cause a rift between us. I want to make good. I want to be your future. I'm sorry I made a happy boy unhappy.
I'm sorry this time you didn't get to eat your salted crab.
I'm sorry this time you didn't get to eat more durians.
I'm sorry this time, you suffered so much.
Even till now, the guilt rides on me perpetually. It never goes away. I'm sorry even my only mission to make your happy, I failed to accomplish it. But, give me a chance. You must be happy, and happier.
& lastly, homesick: My home is where you are. Now that you're not here, I don't feel the warmth of a home you bring me. Lets sort out our lives soon & lets be together soon.
I didn't mean to fall in love with you.& yet, everyday I must remember not to. My heart is too weak for this.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
If you're reading this right now
Please come back to me. I'm so desperate, so guilty, so heartbroken. So please. Come back to me.
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