the road taken

this is an arduous journey. Its a long ride. But when I look back, I don't want to think of the road not taken. Instead, I rather would love to dwell on the road taken, and free myself from regrets.

3 days on korean & I've learnt nothing much. but good things takes time & I'll get there someday.

almost 3 weeks of diet & failed on the 4th week, but it resumes & I'll get there again. One day. one day.

exams are coming up & I am left with 4 plays, 3 novels and 2 books of poems undeciphered. maybe more but keeping count stresses me out more so I'll chill about it for now.

nonetheless, I've always wondered about my short attention span. & then I realised, I've probably given them all to you. ;) *wink wink*

define love

I guess what I just want to say is, we're humans, we're bound to feel fatigue, tired, sleepiness or any signs of weariness, even when we put in lots of effort into something we do, or even when we don't do anything.

But when we are totally worn down physically, yet, we still want to do something for our loved ones, no matter at any cost... that's love we're talking about.

& honey, even if everything i'm doing wears me down, I can't get rid of this perpetual feeling to want to do something for you, or with you. We're separated from each other, but we can still try to "wake up together". This is the best we can have for now, and I'm trying to sustain this life we're yearning for so much. I won't want you to change your sleeping patterns, and I'll never allow you to. Sometimes on bad days I feel slightly tired, but it never bothers me. Mentally, I never felt tired of doing this for you, & with you; it never crossed my mind.

Just stay in place, wherever you are. Be my boy, my cute boyfriend, my macho boyfriend, my sweet little thing. Let me take care of you. & when it's your turn, you can love me in your own way.

Either way, I love you.

#1: This serious

When people asks me how serious I am about you. I'd go...

This serious.

张扬

有时候很想在你的墙上大声宣告我爱你， 但是， 不知是否是个理性的行为。 最重要的是两个人的赞同， 我也不确定这么做是不是个好主意。 万一， 万一万一 我们的爱不够深，太早的宣言， 太早的承诺与炫耀将会带给自己一些羞辱， 一些难为情， 和一些忧伤。

但是现在太过浓郁的爱， 这颗心已经装不下多余的感触。 在手机上写的每一句爱的宣言似乎已经每分每秒的在发送， 手机里记载了对对方的每一句的告白。 甜蜜幸福满天飞， 似乎言语不够表达对彼此这么深的爱，场所不够现爱才因此有了这个幼稚的想法。 可能太天真了， 想了想， 还是抛下这个没建设性的念头吧。

有些话还是不说出来的好。。。。

insomnia

I feel like I'm gonna faint in my bed already, I see stars, & when I stand I experience bouts of blackout for long periods of time. I'm very light headed & I cant walk straight. My mind is fleeting & so is my soul.

But I am reluctant to sleep. Whenever my eyes close my brain asks it to reopen again. I dont know what's happening to me but this can't go on. The blackouts are getting more and more frequent, even as I'm typing this I get it a couple of times.

Then the nausea.

fts. just let me sleep.

诡异， 鬼翼

每天你都会从我的生活中消失一阵子. 因时差的缘故， 一瞬间， 我们每一天都丧失五个小时的甜蜜与沟通。 再加上睡眠，上课，功课与吃饭的时间， 光阴似箭； 我们只剩下不过几分钟了。

很遗憾， 我们之间隔着的不是个简单的情侣小闹剧，而是一片硕大无朋的海洋与田地。 我们不能像其他情侣一样， 要随时见面就见面。 我们无可奈何， 只好硬着头皮， 过一天是一天， 就这么忍，这么的爱下去。 但是， 这份不舍， 我相信， 会随着时间渐渐的消失。 可悲的是， 我已经可以感受到这份脆弱的爱， 在慢慢的枯萎了。 要是你不能怜香惜玉， 我又何必坚持呢？我不要求什么，　就算打通个电话，　联系几分钟，　我就心满意足了。　但是，这通电话越来越难搞，　你也不怎么费心注意我们的时差，　也不注意我们的日程表。　我累了，这男女之间的恋情我受不了，　我好想放弃，好想就这么的放弃，潇洒的走。

不过，我放不下。不是因为我的柔弱，而是因为我知道了你的软弱。我不能轻易的把你给抛弃。你披着的那坚强的外壳，　你扛的够久了，　是时候摘下老了。老天让你遇见了我，　是他给于你的天赐，　让我遇上你，　也是老天爷给我最大的恩赐。　我喜欢跟你在一起的时光，　很特别，很奥妙。　有时候我还不能相信这样的一个我，　会那么有福气的遇上了那么特殊的一个你。　就因为你是个奇迹，而我一直以来半信半疑，　所以比较容易将你松手。　会很不舍，　会很惋惜这段情缘；　说不上可有可无，但，　如果真的得放弃，心会碎，　但又能做些什么呢？

但，　单方面的坚持是不够的。再怎么爱你，　也会觉得累。看着办吧。　我之所以用华文来写这篇怨搞也不过是不想让你担心。这种费心的事，就让我一个人承受吧。会累，不知能撑到何时，但我也想就这么一个人扛下来。伤心，　一个人就够了。我就当是一种性格的磨炼，　者也未必是件坏事（：

写出来了，　人也舒服多了（：但是，金京泰大哥， 你人在哪儿呀？怎么又搞失踪了？你还好吧？你还真是个让人担心的天才。　快点出现吧。

i'll be waiting.

愚笨

虽然 知道 很傻, 但也不由自主的问起了你与她的过去. 我的好奇心太重, 我也太愚笨. 明知道听了会肝肠寸断, 心如刀割, 但也傻傻的问了. 虽然也没什么大不了, 但因为对于你的占有欲太强,就连芝麻绿豆的小事都会变得很有极大的攻击性. 听了过后不禁的做了个比较, 我败了,败给她了, 输得彻彻底底, 一干二净. 她又瘦有美又能干, 有家室, 富裕,  佣有着一颗单纯的心. 对工作认真, 对你温柔, 一切都会顺从你. 最难咽的是这一段美丽的回忆. 如果我是你我也永远不能将她忘怀. 最痛苦的是领会到我们的感情会永远的建筑在那段美丽, 难忘的回忆之上.

后悔来的太迟了. 但假如回到从前, 以我的性格, 我还是会那么问. 以为我不能忽视她的存在. 现在的我, 心碎了. 期待与你的未来就因此破灭了. 对不起, 我的心不够宽大. 我不能把你分享. 只要她在你的脑海里的一天, 你就永远不属于我. 她太完美, 我比不上. 我不把她视为眼中钉, 我也永远不会. 我只是觉得一个人的脑海里只有一个人的位置. 如果不是我,或如果我只占了一半,那我也不能要你了.

爱情是自私, 独家的. 若是不能佣有全部, 那拥有的一些又算得了什么呢?

resigned to fate

withdrawal symptoms. 

It's easier to lash out at those people I care most about because my forgiveness is guaranteed, but simultaneously, they're also the hardest targets of my exasperation because what I inflict upon them will multiply and the hurt becomes twofold.

I know what's bothering me but its impossible to get it out of my system. It's like a ball of energy - negative one in this sense - that can only be transferred or be changed into another form, but it'll just not disappear. It makes sense to channel these ill feelings to a less disturbing one, yet its easier said than done. I wonder how my memory seems to peak during the most untimely occassions and fails to work during exams. This is killing me. I can't forget things I'm supposed to forget.

Guess I'll just have to deal with it. What can I do?

What can I do?

some secrets are better left uncovered

Its one of those things I can't talk about. Yet I feel deeply disturbed. I wish it were that simple. & I happen to understand that "life isn't a bed of roses" & even in that statement, hypocrisy undermines the entire phrase from the first to the very last word.

I feel like a piece of thrash right now. throw me into the bin, drive me away to the wasteland. dump me there. I really would feel better off that way. Nothing, literally nothing can help to boost my sense of self worth/ego.

plagued by the curse of obesity for the past two decades of my life, I can only wish my efforts would pay off & one day, one day I would pierce every single individual who've judged & shunned with my glam streaks.

I could feel my knee giving way, abrasion in my old ailment where the ankle bones collide more violently with each running session I do. Ffeet cramps 5 times a day. fainting spells, hyperventilation, hunger, rapid heart palpitations... & then the nausea, anemia, the pallid face, the feeble limbs, the lethargy that comes with an exponential interest my exponentially ageing body could never pay it back. I've delved & exploited even the most unorthodox ways to keep the weight down.

I only wish all these would be shortlived. There's 2 kinds of pain I have to deal with now, & its easy to decide which one deals the bigger blow.

Defeated.

no time to waste

After absorbing these anecdotes you fed me with, I’m not sure if I could ever live up to your expectations. I’m absolutely not ready for this, I got a little intimidated. I start to doubt if I was ever adequate for you & I feel inferior to the girls who precede me. They sounded so great & while I was happy for you that you ever got to meet these fantastic girls, my heart broke into pieces. I regretted asking not because I heard how awesome they were, but because how you tell your story. You were so proud of them & I could hear how vivid they still were in your memory. But I guess I could deal with this for afterall, I totally understand that they were part of you before. I’m sorry but I need some time to get over this.

I’m sorry I even got upset by this. I tried to hide it but I failed so badly. I didn’t want to be unreasonable but it is impossible to not get affected especially knowing what you’ve been through with them. I wish I could be even half of what they were but unfortunately I’m not. & If I could never meet the benchmarks they’ve set, would I still keep that place in your heart? This question bugged me since yesterday, & there was no way I could convince myself that I was better.

So I got a little disappointed that you weren’t sensitive to my mini heartbreak. & it got worse.

------------------------------------

Night after night I kept myself awake during the wee hours just so that I could see you in the mornings before you go to school. But day after day you kept yourself so occupied I could hardly catch you. First you wake up, then you had to grab breakfast, then you went for coffee with your friends, then you had to go to school. 

After school you had to go for drinks, and if you do, you’d go until 10, 11 pm. Otherwise you’d go for tennis, then dinner. By then it’s 5pm here. I’m surprised you didn’t bother knowing when I have school or tuition despite the fact that I have sent you my schedule. In between your hectic schedule I couldn’t bear to tell you I wanted to see your face, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you “please spare me 5 mins because I stayed up the whole day just so I could see you so that I could finally go to sleep.” I didn’t want to interrupt your life. 

It just pains to see that you seldom bother to see my efforts in trying to reach out to you in the most subtle manner, even if it meant losing my sleep, having irregular sleeping hours. You seldom bother to calculate the time difference to see that I’m still awake at the most ungodly hours while I chatted with you. I wonder if you realized all these. 

So today, you went to school & you went for drinks. I purposely slept more because I was angry with you. You didn’t notice. You told me you were going for drinks & u’d be back by 10pm. I didn’t bother telling you that I had school because I assumed you would know. I wasn’t surprised either that when you came back, and exclaimed “so we can’t skype today” because I know you won’t bother checking the timetable I sent you. It’s okay. But it doesn’t mean I won’t get upset. 

Its been a few hours since I last talked to you. I decided not to be angry. For the past few days we’ve been wasting time on this & it’s not right. We’ve only got so much time for each other & we can’t afford to waste our time together on this. I thought it through. I’m at fault for this happening & I apologize. These small matters shouldn’t get in the way of our relationship. I wanna call for a truce. (: I love you.

Everytime I spend time with you, it’s so precious. You are precious to me too.  Pardon me if my Korean was broken. I wish I could express myself better & I’m still trying hard to pick it up. But these are my heartfelt feelings for you.

아쉬웠던 짧은 만남. 어떻게 해야할지 몰라 바라만 봐도 너무 좋아.

Please know how I felt for you. & don’t ever doubt this. If you ever do, I’d be so lost because I don’t know how else I could express myself but to reiterate again and again, the very same words I said would be timeless. They would become legendary because they wouldn’t change & its so epic even crocodiles could cry. 

I came across this song & I thought it perfectly voices my feelings for you. (: Hun, nobody could overtake your place in my heart. I know this song is more for females, but oh well, I guess it suits anyway (: 

죽겠네

어떻게 해야 할지 몰라
웃질 않아도 아름다와
바라만 봐도 너무 좋아 죽겠네
코를 골아도 듣기 좋아
냄새가나도 향기로와
씻지 않아도 너무 빛이 나서 죽겠네

이러다 정말 미쳐 돌아 버리면 어쩌나
이러다 진짜 숨이 덜컥 멎으면 어쩌나
그대의 눈가에 눈곱이 내게는 It's so nice, so nice, so nice
그대의 스타킹 뜯어진 구멍도 It's so nice, so nice, so nice

일분일초가 보석 같아
싸울 시간이 나질 않어
사랑만 해도 시간이 모질라서 죽겠네

Xoxo, peiru.

cookies

Sometimes life delivers me a pack of hard cookies. but I'm a soft cookie & a soft cookie person.

Sometimes I order them wrongly & curiousity beckons me to try. & I did. Boy, it was hard to swallow.

They're coarse, edgy & cut throat. I don't know how my wounds are gonna heal. But I guess time is the best medicine out there.

But first, I have a wild imagination to kill.

intensity

after all that has happened today, it only made me love you more. know that every single morsel of your being is tied to my heart, & if anything should happen to you, it affects me as bad. Promise me you'll never hurt yourself, promise me you'll take care of yourself. In doing so, its the only way I can rest my mind & be at peace with you. I worry, & I care. stick to your normal sleeping hours, never mind that I'm alone at night. .you were so silly tonight in eating into your sleeping hours & my heart aches bad. Don't do this again. As long as you have enough sleep & emotional satiety, it conforts me too, & that's the greatest gift you can ever give me.

superdrug

This love is turning me. I become so hysterical when I don't hear from you. I don't know how you'd take this but I don't like what I'm becoming. Everything about you is so addictive I just can't imagine living without it. You're a superdrug. When you appear every emotional pain I've experienced will be immediately lifted, & every physical pain won't matter anymore. But when you don't, it just feels like hell.

I don't know how to live without you. Then again, I don't have a choice. Perhaps I should take some steps back & reevaluate my state of mind right now. Maybe there's still hope to salvage my deranged mind.

plagued

today we experienced a myriad of feelings, and the gamut of emotions stretched from intense yearning, to an agonizing argument over the same old matter that plagued us.

I'm not going to take this negatively. Every relationship's got their own problems, I don't see how it'll stand in our way. If we get past this, we can only get stronger. But if we habour ill feelings every time we have a dispute, we can only weaken our love for each other. That's definitely not our goal. That's definitely not what we want.

I was wrong. I thought I could manage my emotions well. Today, I just fell short of my expectations. I guess absence really makes the heart grow fonder. It gets more and more difficult as the day goes by. I thought it would be easier but I was wrong. You are so lovable I just couldn't help it but to give all of my heart out to you. I want to be there for you, whether you're happy or sad. I just have to be with you.

Though the skype sessions weren't exactly perfect, with the frequent breaks in between, I still feel grateful enough that we can still communicate this way. I want to touch your face even though its virtual, but I still put my fingers onto the screen and imagine myself stroking your lovely cheeks. If it's the best we can have for now, i'd still take it, it's definitely better than nothing. But unfortunately it does nothing to ease my perpetual yearning for you to be by my side.

I miss those hugs and hand holding & 뽀뽀. I miss having someone to share my chocolate with. I dont want to end my night coughing the whole time because I had to finish one whole chocolate bar on my own. I want to lend my thighs to this cute boy who enjoys resting on them & talking about everything under the sun like there's no tomorrow. I want to wake up to this face I never will get tired of. I want to feed him this breakfast I cook & knowing that he will still finish it no matter how bad it is & still tells me "its the best breakfast" he ever had & even thank me for it. I would still cook for this boy, even if he stays on the couch looking at his favourite car racing shows/websites while I slog away in the kitchen so that he doesnt get hungry & his hands wouldnt shake from hunger. Even if I had to lose a finger from all the chopping on the chopping board it'll still be worth it just to fish that compliment that he was always so generous to give.

I would do anything, just to win a smile from you. Because that smile is so dazzling & mesmerizing, it reminds me each time of the reason why I fell in love with you. I myself don't exactly know what it was, but so far, I've figured out that as long as you are happy, I can be happy too.

I took a few pictures of you off skype. They're all smiley & plain adorable. I can never get tired of it. I don't see how I can. & I prefer you when you let you hair down, undone, so you'll look boyish & it takes 10 years off your age. How cute. I'm giggling to myself already. HAHAHA.

For now, I've done what you asked. Despite everything that we've been through today, I still want to say this to you.

I'm so glad I met you.

Magic day

"magic day" is what you call it. Unfortunately it is not all magic. It is in fact a lot of pain, fatigue, headaches, giddiness, nausea, super focalised cramps. I wonder if the previous medications I took made this worse. This was the worst period I ever experienced in recent years.

Perhaps I'm just getting old.

I grimaced hard. I could get a lot more wrinkles on my face but it sort of helps to distribute the pain for a little while. I pressed my hands against my abdomen hoping the muscles looses its tension and that contorting grip I feel inside of me.

It was just hell.

It didnt help that it has been raining and I still sleep shivering in cold every night. Leg cramps visits me every other hour. I will try wearing socks to sleep tonight. I hope it'll help.

I am ransacking my brain. every single night, on how to survive till the next time I see you. & then I tried to recall your cute face. *deep in thought*.

Cute korean small eyes. Checked.
Small nose with the  little naughty boy crooked nose bump. Checked.
Brightest smile in the world. Checked.
almost-African sexy lips. Checked.
Native english accent with occassional Korean accent. Checked.
*copies korean accent, recall funny english pronunciation*. Checked.
Heart-melting korean language in your voice. Checked.
* imagining the most comfy and manly hands holding mine*. Checked.
*imagining the most comforting and warm hugs that never failed to keep me warm*. Checked.


My brain is practically running on the world's most powerful graphic card. nVIDIA and AMD can start selling its business when I launch mine into the market. HAHA.

It didnt help to dissipate the pain. But I felt comfort that you're still fresh inside my head, enough that I could still remember you.  All these imagination felt so real, only that, it is not. ):

So it got me thinking, not just this once, but it bugged me for as long as we've known each other. I really hope you're the one. If it were the case, I'd wait. Take as long as we need, I'd wait. (:

& from there, we can redefine My magic day, into Our magic day. (:

想念

I can see how this is going to be very painful...

So you finally hopped on the plane. you called me a few times from the departure hall. I wished you didn't so I wouldn't know how much you'd miss me, & my heart wouldn't cringe.

I thought I'd be okay. What I didn't expect was a longing heart. Not just an ordinary longing heart. My heart was so confused, so unruly, so pensive; I could die.

I wished I knew how to better tell you how much I missed you. So I went counting the times I did. I tried. I really tried. I went

"하나,둘,셋,다섯,여섯,일곱,여덟,아홉,열". 

& I realised,  that's all I could count. I can't tell you how much I missed you becuase you havent taught me the rest of the numbers. & if I could tell you how many times I missed you in a day, you have to tell me how do I express millions and billions in your language.

only then, I'll be able to fully tell you how many times I missed you in a day.

오빠 , 보고 싶어 죽겠다 .