When it's over, still, happy birthday

I remember how you used to run your finger through my hair. I remember how you held my hands so tight as if you were afraid I'll run away. I remember how safe I felt in your arms. I remember how you call me "you stupid" so endearingly I felt like I know how hopelessly I was in love with you, but yet I still did. I remember how we used to spend time together and nothing else used to matter. I remember how you took my hands in yours and led me to start dancing in the streets, as if we were alone in the world. I remember all the bitter sweet meeting and partings at the airport. I remember how we bought out favourite things and you fed me till we finished it. I remembered how you used to tell me "I love you" a hundred times a day. I remember how much you wanted me every single minute you're living. I remembered how you used to address me with endearing Korean terms "자기" or "애기". Then I remember the things I did for you, the late nights I had to brave through alone when you weren't there. I remembered how you didn't feel like trying for us, and how you eventually decided not to try. I remember wanting to talk to you about it, to understand how you feel only to be shoved off with your anger. I remember you were pissed at me. I remember you were angry at me. I remember how tired you were when you tried to explain how we're not going to work out when all I did was to convince you to come back. I remember how tired sick you were of our relationship. I remember the day you decided to give up, that cruel image of your back towards me, and the day you walked away. 

I remember how yesterday used to be better than today.

I remember us as a bitter-sweet heartbreak

I remember how I'm left with nothing but a huge heartache. 

I'm remembering so many things. &

Today, I remember it's your birthday. 

& in the darkest of nights,  only heaven can hear my choir of tears dribbling. I'm dying to pour my soul out. But there's no one out there I want to tell. But I don't want to suffer in silence. Yet I cannot let go of this dread. It's the last dash. Why don't I even have the chance to make good.

& today I mourn the A I'm never gonna get. Hope is bleak. And so the sun sets.

Winter at heart

It's been cold lately. & I wished you were here. You're the only one who've hugged me right. I know it's something that can't be replicated. Even your presence alone makes me feel warm enough inside. But since you left, I've been experiencing nothing short of winter inside my heart. It's pretty chilly and icy cold.

But I'll wear  on the sweater. I feel like you're hugging me. you may or may not come  back to me.  But for now, I'll just make do.

life without Edward

without you, i can still be happy. But its a hollow kind of happiness, as if something is missing from my heart. Without you in my life, i feel like one of those stars in the sky. They shine brightly still, but with every passing day, a little part of them dies away.

Without you in my life, a little bit of my heart dies away. Every single day.

what promise means to you & me

I could stay single for the rest of my life to show you what a promise really means. Or I could get a husband and show you that a promise is meant to be kept.

Either way, I'm more inclined to keep myself for you. Because, it seems more beautiful that way.

I'm still yours to keep. I hope you see how strong this love is going. & I don't see how anyone can throw away something so beautiful away. I'm not even looking back, because I know with you, I'll be happy. There'd be the unhappy moments. But I'm sure, as with all other relationships, nothing would be absolutely smooth sailing.

Everyday, I'd think of you. & I'd wonder if you're sneezing all the way. They say, it's a sign someone's missing you. I won't want you to catch a cold. But, I'd love to know you're somehow sneezing, or know that someone, on this face of this earth, is so in love with you like this.

please say yes to all

are you eating well? are you enjoying and not overworking yourself? are you happy? are you in good health? are your studies doing fine?

If the answers to all of the above is a yes, I'm happy for you. (:

I missed you Edward.

the other day

the other day, i wanted to tell you this.

You broke up with me, but i haven't broken up with you. ^^

hope everything's going fine for you my darling Eddie. I've been more than fine.

thought of you

I was reflecting why didnt we work out. Maybe I caused it all. I wasn't kind enough to you. & now I could only miss you from afar. I really really used to believe despite us being apart, we would work out. I still do. I want to make it work.

But today I had a nightmare. I dreamt that we met up again. But this time, it was worse. You asked me never ever to text you. To stop all forms of communications completely. My heart, I thought, was so broken it couldnt break anymore. but, it can. Then again, it reminded me of how much I love you.

My heart is all for yours to break. It heals, and then, I'd let you break it over and over again.

Just for you.

Here's a song for you oppa.

remnants of us

I flipped through our "folder". I saw receipts of our past dinner dates, things we bought in thailand, in new zealand, that awesome pokeno breakfast, those grocery shopping and everything we splurged on. The air ticket confirmations, the hobbiton land entry tickets, our hairs, our notes to each other when we met for the first few times, our polaroid pictures together, and as I screen through these things, frames of our past flashed through my head like a animated motion picture that brought me to the brink of tears.

I probably asked why am I still keeping all these? I know the answer.

Because these are all that's left of you, and what's left of us.

I've said it many times, and I'd say it again. One of the biggest failure of mine was not being able to keep your heart with me. I know I can take very good care of you. I worry everyday when you're not with me. I know you are independent. But I wished I still have that privilege.

you're so difficult to love. You reject all who love you. & yet, I haven't found it tiring.

I know you're worth it. 

How have you been doing? Chris has been bugging me for a restaurant auntie. & he randomly asked how's my work and all, and he even went as far to comment "must b eddie having trouble to wake due to not hearing e a na yo!!!" 

HA. I don't know how to reply to that. Neither would I tell him about what happened to us just yet. But I do have troubles waking up because I haven't heard "일어나요" for quite some time now. 

I missed you.