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Thursday, October 31, 2013
Celebrations
All these days there's so many birthdays :) so many celebrations. Overdue pictures. It's a week in a post :)
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Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sweet
Some people in my life have earned their standing in my heart during this difficult phase in my life. & I'm filled with gratitude. Especially to jia min, she's there to emphatise, I feel like I'm not alone in this. Waking up to the empty mornings is a dread, yet she conscientiously ensure I wake up to her daily encouragements and reminders that I'm still being loved. & that losing the love of my life is not the end of the world.
I know it isn't. But it's you.
To be reminded that I have such a past has been a staple routine. No matter how bad my memory is, I can't get it out of my head. I've probably forgotten half of it. Yet they say, we can forget what someone said, we can forget what someone did, but we'll never forget how they made us feel.
Ashika have been equally helpful. To allow myself dwell upon this is like falling into quick sand. The weaker I am, the faster I sink. She stands by my side but she doesn't pull me away, for this is a lesson I must learn on my own. She just pulls me out of it whenever I fall into it repeatedly several times a day.
To be my support they are surprisingly patient. Not that I am That weak. I'm only human.
Today she gave me an article to read. I'm definitely a W.
http://justmytype.ca/the-11-differences-between-dating-a-girl-vs-a-woman/
http://justmytype.ca/tag/differences-between-dating-a-boy-versus-a-man/
I'm partially convinced.
I saw Nicky the other day. Had a little small chat. :)
I think I have an admirer. I'm freaking out. I hope nobody tells him of our plans & he doesn't follow.
This is too fast a pace. I need a breather.
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I know it isn't. But it's you.
To be reminded that I have such a past has been a staple routine. No matter how bad my memory is, I can't get it out of my head. I've probably forgotten half of it. Yet they say, we can forget what someone said, we can forget what someone did, but we'll never forget how they made us feel.
Ashika have been equally helpful. To allow myself dwell upon this is like falling into quick sand. The weaker I am, the faster I sink. She stands by my side but she doesn't pull me away, for this is a lesson I must learn on my own. She just pulls me out of it whenever I fall into it repeatedly several times a day.
To be my support they are surprisingly patient. Not that I am That weak. I'm only human.
Today she gave me an article to read. I'm definitely a W.
http://justmytype.ca/the-11-differences-between-dating-a-girl-vs-a-woman/
http://justmytype.ca/tag/differences-between-dating-a-boy-versus-a-man/
I'm partially convinced.
I saw Nicky the other day. Had a little small chat. :)
I think I have an admirer. I'm freaking out. I hope nobody tells him of our plans & he doesn't follow.
This is too fast a pace. I need a breather.
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Tuesday, October 29, 2013
two sides of the coin
I guess in everything there's two sides of the coin. Perhaps its the PMS i'm feeling. But my emotions are rioting inside of me. My entire day just goes past like that. Yet something is not quite right.
If I would do a segmentation of my life. It's wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat. If I delve a little deeper, there's two sides to everything.
Work: It's all good. I'm in charge. But I'm not given a permanent place yet.
Studies: I'm excellent at some modules. I'm really bad at some this sem. I have to work extra hard to pull it all up.
Emotions: I feel happy, yet I feel empty. Something is not quite right. Somehow some things cannot be replaced.
Family: Really great dad. Really bad sister-in-law (luckily we weren't blood related to begin with)
Today Kai Wei came over & we had lunch together. I finished up this thing at work I wanted to accomplish so long ago, and my work burdens gets lifted pretty well. I met Ashika in the train for a short yet good conversation. I chatted with so many people & made a new friend at work who's super eager to drive me around for good food when he drives to work. There was a bogus fire drill & everything was so funny. There's a colleague leaving & we're throwing her a party. Almost every night I'm occupied with my social life. My birthday celebrations are still ongoing even after 1 week after the actual.
I thought about my life 1 year ago. It just isn't quite the same.
We never really bade goodbye.
It's about time. (:
If I would do a segmentation of my life. It's wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat. If I delve a little deeper, there's two sides to everything.
Work: It's all good. I'm in charge. But I'm not given a permanent place yet.
Studies: I'm excellent at some modules. I'm really bad at some this sem. I have to work extra hard to pull it all up.
Emotions: I feel happy, yet I feel empty. Something is not quite right. Somehow some things cannot be replaced.
Family: Really great dad. Really bad sister-in-law (luckily we weren't blood related to begin with)
Today Kai Wei came over & we had lunch together. I finished up this thing at work I wanted to accomplish so long ago, and my work burdens gets lifted pretty well. I met Ashika in the train for a short yet good conversation. I chatted with so many people & made a new friend at work who's super eager to drive me around for good food when he drives to work. There was a bogus fire drill & everything was so funny. There's a colleague leaving & we're throwing her a party. Almost every night I'm occupied with my social life. My birthday celebrations are still ongoing even after 1 week after the actual.
I thought about my life 1 year ago. It just isn't quite the same.
We never really bade goodbye.
It's about time. (:
Monday, October 28, 2013
Coffee date
I couldn't wake up. Didn't feel exactly very well. Age is taking it's toll on me. Yet I'm thankful my boss is so caring, he urged me to go home when he saw me unwell. How could I head home? kindness is something I reciprocate in two-folds.
Colleague got me coffee. We found this new outlet at a corner of the mall. It's aromatic & it's something I would share with you. Plus it's not expensive & something you can afford to drink several times a day. I'd let you try just a sip, or pass you an empty cup to cheat you into thinking I got another one for you, I'd run away with the entire cup & have you chase after me for the sake of fun.
That's only if you were still here.
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Colleague got me coffee. We found this new outlet at a corner of the mall. It's aromatic & it's something I would share with you. Plus it's not expensive & something you can afford to drink several times a day. I'd let you try just a sip, or pass you an empty cup to cheat you into thinking I got another one for you, I'd run away with the entire cup & have you chase after me for the sake of fun.
That's only if you were still here.
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only one thing
Now that I've completed the last assignment for the year, there's only one thing that can make me even happier than I already am now.
*kekekeke*.
This is my penultimate semester. I'm graduating soon. Yes to lots and lots of money rolling in. & time to cut down the weight. I'm so achieving I can't feel the humility today.
1 more hour to sleep before work. sigh. I must embrace work. I'd never say die. 1 hour of sleep it is. 200% effort for work still. People need me.
I can do this (: & I foresee myself grinning in my sleep. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.
HAHAHAH.
*kekekeke*.
This is my penultimate semester. I'm graduating soon. Yes to lots and lots of money rolling in. & time to cut down the weight. I'm so achieving I can't feel the humility today.
1 more hour to sleep before work. sigh. I must embrace work. I'd never say die. 1 hour of sleep it is. 200% effort for work still. People need me.
I can do this (: & I foresee myself grinning in my sleep. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.
HAHAHAH.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
inspiring cab ride
I cabbed home from Jia Min's place. It should be by fate that I met this particularly enthusiastic uncle who is more than willing to share his life story. He first engaged me in small talk, then he proceeded to tell me how his life was. He had a blind daughter, yet very gifted in music. He shared that one day, he is awaken by the sounds of his daughter typing on the braille, she said that she wanted to type her autobiography. If I didn't remember wrongly, this is how it goes...
"I am born blind. but I was lucky to be born to wonderful parents. I cannot see colour, shapes and objects, I can only feel them. I regret not being able to see how my parents looked like, I can only recognise my dear parents through their voice and by touching their faces. But being disability does not equate to being unable to do things...."
She plays the piano. excellence is an understatement. He called his house, and he listed a few of his favourites and asked her to play through the taxi ride, for the next 20 mins. She played each of it flawlessly and so beautifully, I was so awed, it summoned my goosebumps.
I was glad that god was fair. When he took something away from her, he gave her something else. Through the course of listening, it inspired me in so many ways, it triggered my thoughts. I was thinking, for so many able-bodied people, how many of us actually could accomplish our goals in life? When i was young I wanted to be a pianist, but i gave up (involuntarily) when I was in grade 5, I wanted to be a teacher, but I didn't work hard enough. I am a jack of all trades, but master of none. But she - (her name's Rebecca Koh - has been involved in public performances, charity events, and her music examiners even commented "She's born to be a musician". Her determination and achievements have put many of us, even myself, to ultimate shame. She even strives to do a piano recording so that she can give back to those who are less fortunate.
Before I left the cab, I thought that during the cab ride, I earned more than what I spent, I've become inspired and wiser. I handed a fifty to the uncle, and I told him "Uncle, what your daughter played was not only music, it was tons of hope."
He wanted to give me back the change, but I declined profusely. my giving is so small compared to what she aims to achieve. Rececca & uncle Koh, all the best to both of you!
She was even on the news here. (:
http://news.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20090406-133635.html
"I am born blind. but I was lucky to be born to wonderful parents. I cannot see colour, shapes and objects, I can only feel them. I regret not being able to see how my parents looked like, I can only recognise my dear parents through their voice and by touching their faces. But being disability does not equate to being unable to do things...."
She plays the piano. excellence is an understatement. He called his house, and he listed a few of his favourites and asked her to play through the taxi ride, for the next 20 mins. She played each of it flawlessly and so beautifully, I was so awed, it summoned my goosebumps.
I was glad that god was fair. When he took something away from her, he gave her something else. Through the course of listening, it inspired me in so many ways, it triggered my thoughts. I was thinking, for so many able-bodied people, how many of us actually could accomplish our goals in life? When i was young I wanted to be a pianist, but i gave up (involuntarily) when I was in grade 5, I wanted to be a teacher, but I didn't work hard enough. I am a jack of all trades, but master of none. But she - (her name's Rebecca Koh - has been involved in public performances, charity events, and her music examiners even commented "She's born to be a musician". Her determination and achievements have put many of us, even myself, to ultimate shame. She even strives to do a piano recording so that she can give back to those who are less fortunate.
Before I left the cab, I thought that during the cab ride, I earned more than what I spent, I've become inspired and wiser. I handed a fifty to the uncle, and I told him "Uncle, what your daughter played was not only music, it was tons of hope."
He wanted to give me back the change, but I declined profusely. my giving is so small compared to what she aims to achieve. Rececca & uncle Koh, all the best to both of you!
She was even on the news here. (:
http://news.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20090406-133635.html
dreaming a dream
i dreamt of you last night. It was such a weird one. I'll let you in on this little one. It was nothing much though.
We were a happy couple. you showed me around your campus, but in your school there were so many other schools inside your campus. Weird. you showed my friends and I around too. then we were supposed to go to this korean fair. outside the campus, a group of boys put their hands around my shoulders to welcome me there. You got angry. Zzzzz. I felt so accused yet I still said sorry. My eyes were all you. There wasn't any body else. I liked how you got jealous though. but you still didn't entirely forgive me. we went to the korean fair and you went for 멸 치 . you still couldnt hug me so ask me to get into the shopping trolley instead. it was so funny yet distant.
You've been so distant.
& Last warning to the dream.
We were a happy couple. you showed me around your campus, but in your school there were so many other schools inside your campus. Weird. you showed my friends and I around too. then we were supposed to go to this korean fair. outside the campus, a group of boys put their hands around my shoulders to welcome me there. You got angry. Zzzzz. I felt so accused yet I still said sorry. My eyes were all you. There wasn't any body else. I liked how you got jealous though. but you still didn't entirely forgive me. we went to the korean fair and you went for 멸 치 . you still couldnt hug me so ask me to get into the shopping trolley instead. it was so funny yet distant.
You've been so distant.
& Last warning to the dream.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Freedom is near
👉👈👉👈👉👈 :) after today, freedom is near. Exams are coming. I'm scared yet I'm embracing it with lots of anticipation. I'm glad im graduating soon. I'll join the workforce & I'll get to meet more people. more People. Hahahaha. ;p
I'm not exactly prepared yet I'm confident I'll clear these modules with minimal struggle. Heh. :)
& more importantly, I can't wait. For 2014. 我很期待，很想念；不知我们会不会见面，但我非常的想念你. 可是我不晓得我是否还爱着你. 感觉变了, 心灵也受伤了. 应该不会再相爱了吧.
这爱情应该过期了吧. 是时候放手了吗？真挚的爱有极限吗?
我很肯定过, 但现在，我真的不再敢奢望了.
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I'm not exactly prepared yet I'm confident I'll clear these modules with minimal struggle. Heh. :)
& more importantly, I can't wait. For 2014. 我很期待，很想念；不知我们会不会见面，但我非常的想念你. 可是我不晓得我是否还爱着你. 感觉变了, 心灵也受伤了. 应该不会再相爱了吧.
这爱情应该过期了吧. 是时候放手了吗？真挚的爱有极限吗?
我很肯定过, 但现在，我真的不再敢奢望了.
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The painful delay
一转眼，我已经二十四岁了。当年幼稚，天真的我，以为 一对恩爱，“白头偕老” 的情侣的画面，将会是一个铁定的未来。但是随着年龄的增长，却发现人心叵测。男人都是不可靠的。他们好肤浅，好残忍。就连你，也不例外。你是我生命中的遗憾，真让人失望。以为你会不一样，但又发现男人不分好坏，只分 “坏” 与 “超级坏”。
尽管你的缺席不再像以往一样的影响我，但偶尔我也会情不自禁的想起你。我们的过去是那么的完美，那么的刻苦铭心，你是怎么把它抛在脑后的？每一天，我无论到新加坡的任何角头, 每一分，每一秒，无论什么琐碎的细节都会勾起我们的过去。你呢？你有感受同样的经历吗？
这一年会过得很痛苦。如果是真爱的话，咋们就别再闹了，快点回来各自的身边吧!
许多故事都叙述那种长久的爱情，他们通常都拥有了几十年的历史，真令人羡慕。我也想要拥有这样的爱情。但是你拖的越久，我们就会少了几年的幸福。
为何要让我们两那么痛苦呢?
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尽管你的缺席不再像以往一样的影响我，但偶尔我也会情不自禁的想起你。我们的过去是那么的完美，那么的刻苦铭心，你是怎么把它抛在脑后的？每一天，我无论到新加坡的任何角头, 每一分，每一秒，无论什么琐碎的细节都会勾起我们的过去。你呢？你有感受同样的经历吗？
这一年会过得很痛苦。如果是真爱的话，咋们就别再闹了，快点回来各自的身边吧!
许多故事都叙述那种长久的爱情，他们通常都拥有了几十年的历史，真令人羡慕。我也想要拥有这样的爱情。但是你拖的越久，我们就会少了几年的幸福。
为何要让我们两那么痛苦呢?
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Rush
Mood was evened out at the end of the day. I think the pre-magic day mood swings are getting more violent. Stayed over at jia min's place last night did work wonders. Friend's company always help to soothe my burning soul.
Woke up from a bad dream.. I dreamt that I needed some cash for someone important and I was given some gold. I tried to pawn it but I was offered a price of $160? After much bargaining did I realize I could fetch $529. I was so angry at how people extort money.
There's minimal balance of justice in the world.
Homework does make me emotionally imbalanced. The PMS too. I need a hug.
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Woke up from a bad dream.. I dreamt that I needed some cash for someone important and I was given some gold. I tried to pawn it but I was offered a price of $160? After much bargaining did I realize I could fetch $529. I was so angry at how people extort money.
There's minimal balance of justice in the world.
Homework does make me emotionally imbalanced. The PMS too. I need a hug.
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Friday, October 25, 2013
Love compounds, same for the opposite
Not in an exactly perfect mood today. I've tons of readings to do by tomorrow & I'm feeling the Pre-Magic day tiredness & I'm worn out from this week's super packed schedule. Some people are worth forking out time for and sometimes I'd appreciatiate that these efforts go more noticed.
I abhor people disrupting the harmony balance & I stay away. Just don't step on my tail. Today is really not the time for it.
& even you, join the bullying pack. I really can't believe it.
This is Betrayal at its finest.
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I abhor people disrupting the harmony balance & I stay away. Just don't step on my tail. Today is really not the time for it.
& even you, join the bullying pack. I really can't believe it.
This is Betrayal at its finest.
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Fleeting
Time is fleeting fast. I've lost count. I couldn't event tell a Tuesday from a Wednesday. I am so occupied with work, friends & homework I hardly have time for everything else. I don't even have enough time for sleep so I guess that's why after my corporate event today, I reached home, showered and slept almost immediately. Happened probably only the 2nd time this year. & here I am awake at this ungodly wee hours of the night & only one thing comes to mind.
& I don't know what to do of it.
As the new day opens up, tonight is barbecue night. Yet the company event from last night made my tummy a little upset. Yet I still have to drown myself in coffee for the whole of tomorrow and the day after, until Sunday.
I'm just glad I'm completing my studies soon. I'll have so much freedom to do whatever I want. I'm thankful I'm financially adequate to do anything I desire. I'm thankful that life offered me so much opportunities to give myself support, as well as to the people around me. This sense of gratitude often consumes me each and every day of my life.
I have so much to accomplish. Taking it step by step seems like the only way around things. I smile at the thought of new friends. YAY. :) it introduces a new kind of fun in my life. Almost everyday I make a new friend. I'm on a roll.
Life is really full of uncertainties. & to chuckle or cry, I've come to understand, is only a matter of personal choice.
Feelings, are but a matter of personal choice.
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& I don't know what to do of it.
As the new day opens up, tonight is barbecue night. Yet the company event from last night made my tummy a little upset. Yet I still have to drown myself in coffee for the whole of tomorrow and the day after, until Sunday.
I'm just glad I'm completing my studies soon. I'll have so much freedom to do whatever I want. I'm thankful I'm financially adequate to do anything I desire. I'm thankful that life offered me so much opportunities to give myself support, as well as to the people around me. This sense of gratitude often consumes me each and every day of my life.
I have so much to accomplish. Taking it step by step seems like the only way around things. I smile at the thought of new friends. YAY. :) it introduces a new kind of fun in my life. Almost everyday I make a new friend. I'm on a roll.
Life is really full of uncertainties. & to chuckle or cry, I've come to understand, is only a matter of personal choice.
Feelings, are but a matter of personal choice.
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Monday, October 21, 2013
Birthday celebration #3 - actual day
I got off from work, thinking that I'm only meeting Jia Min. She wanted to bring me to this restaurant. She said she "researched with a lot of effort". I came to this Dallas Bar before, but because my BFF put in so much work in 'researching', I didn't want her effort to go to waste. So I kept quiet about it and let her bring me here. (:
Little did I know I was in for a big surprise!
When I went upstairs, I was like wow. The place looked so good! Heh! Then suddenly, as I was brought to the table, I saw a few familiar faces! OMG. they were my secondary school friends!!! :D As I was busy being surprised with their coming, I turned my head and, there was ASHIKA!! I least expected her presence with my secondary school mates! hahhaa!
Guys, you have no idea how touched I was. (: I really never expected these people here. All the more was I grateful that the thought that went into the planning, organising and the present and all the giving and consoling. I don't have a thousand friends on facebook. But I have a handful of friends who really care. & it's more than enough.
& the cake was awesome. really (: & to my dearest Kaiwei, although she wasn't here with me, I could feel the love all the way from Copenhagen (: Thank you!!!
I love love love the card from Jia Min too! :D of all the presents tonight, that was one of my favourites. The other favourites are the people, the food, the company. Hmmm, it's everything (:
your wishes helped too Oppa. It opened my day on the happiest note. 감사합니다!
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Little did I know I was in for a big surprise!
When I went upstairs, I was like wow. The place looked so good! Heh! Then suddenly, as I was brought to the table, I saw a few familiar faces! OMG. they were my secondary school friends!!! :D As I was busy being surprised with their coming, I turned my head and, there was ASHIKA!! I least expected her presence with my secondary school mates! hahhaa!
Guys, you have no idea how touched I was. (: I really never expected these people here. All the more was I grateful that the thought that went into the planning, organising and the present and all the giving and consoling. I don't have a thousand friends on facebook. But I have a handful of friends who really care. & it's more than enough.
& the cake was awesome. really (: & to my dearest Kaiwei, although she wasn't here with me, I could feel the love all the way from Copenhagen (: Thank you!!!
I love love love the card from Jia Min too! :D of all the presents tonight, that was one of my favourites. The other favourites are the people, the food, the company. Hmmm, it's everything (:
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Sunday, October 20, 2013
Birthday celebration #2 - with fam
So we went here for dad's so called "best stir fried beef" in the world. HAHA. I wanted seafood but I guess this will do too! anywhere is fine (:
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Saturday, October 19, 2013
birthday celebration #1 - with RBS colleagues
Wee ling baked me a cake. I feel so touched. It's specially for me! :D & these bunch changed their plans so they could help me celebrate. I feel so so loved.
Watched "about time". Some love story about how this guy can travel through time and space so he could have lots of second chances in life. I didn't wish I have that power. I'm certain it's not time. It's human's decisions that changes things. Sweet movie nevertheless. But my dad forgot to teach me one thing, that movies, are just another impossible story.
I had princess treatment today. & at night went to see daddy again. I'm full of gratitude, & I smiled from within. I hopped and laughed to myself happily on the way home. I don't know how tomorrow would bring me but I'm just satisfied for now.
Hope what I wished for would come true. Lalalalala~~~
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Friday, October 18, 2013
Company's D&D at MBS
It was fun. Tons of pictures were taken but these are my favourites.
Could have been better.
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Rush
Left with only 1 hour of sleep. Rushed through an essay. Have to last another day. But it's my company's dinner & dance. I'm excited. It means for another 18 hours I won't get to sleep. But I get to take lots of pretty pictures with my colleagues and new friends across Singapore, within the company. I'm wearing my pretty dress tomorrow. I just tried it again. I look like a princess. Heh.
October zoomed past me in an instant and it's almost over. My zombie-like weeks are over. I feel renewed & I'm ready to embrace life, just like how it was supposed to 9 months ago. :)
Let me win a lucky draw tomorrow. Let it be a really big one. Hope for good news. I'm keeping my fingers crossed ;)
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October zoomed past me in an instant and it's almost over. My zombie-like weeks are over. I feel renewed & I'm ready to embrace life, just like how it was supposed to 9 months ago. :)
Let me win a lucky draw tomorrow. Let it be a really big one. Hope for good news. I'm keeping my fingers crossed ;)
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Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
한국어를 공부입니다
Heh. I might as well start now. Every night I'll pick up a little bit.
잘자! 내일 보자!
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잘자! 내일 보자!
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Sunday, October 13, 2013
Someone once told me. "I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight is because we fear something so great won't happen twice." It's meant for me to forget you. They want me to believe there are other people out there for me who are better.
But 오빠, true love can happen twice. So just keep holding onto it.
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But 오빠, true love can happen twice. So just keep holding onto it.
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리쌍 LeeSSang - Can't Breakup Girl, Can't Breakaway Boy (feat. 정인 Jung In)
There's something that remained of us. That something that wouldn't make you leave, and that something that is still making me stay. I've come to terms with reality that we are no longer together. But the longing and yearning to go back to yesterday to replay our lives together is so tempting. we're like a broken tape, all we need to do is to get ourselves fixed so we can continuing filming our lives in a perfect, happy sequence again.
Don't pursue what went wrong. Let's not find fault, let's not blame each other. I've never left. If you come back again, things wouldn't change. I'm not vengeful. I'm still the same Peiru who loved that Edward I first knew. This love is pure. It's not tainted with anger or hate. I never blamed you. I occassionally just wonder and think what went wrong. But I'm still here, waiting for you.
The breakup didn't take away my love for you. My love is independent. I don't need you to love me back so I'll love you. I'm shocked at how I felt for you. You must be special.
So don't listen to others. Don't base us on your past experiences. Circumstances may have changed. It might never be the same. But why would we need the same? We can always create better memories. & everything can change, but my heart would stay the same.
Oppa, feel it, right here, right here, my heart would never change.
regrets underrated
Despite everything that I've been taught, I decided to approach it my way. & I knowingly understand that its the wrong way, yet, I need some sort of closure to my thoughts. Yesterday I've been told my 'New Zealand' plan was "unrealistic". Some girl reprimanded me "This isn't a Korean drama". She's essentially asking me to face reality. Truth hurts, but I can't keep living in denial.
New Zealand plan was this. After I graduate, I go over to Auckland. I'll go to your school because it's the only place I know you'll be at.
I'll text you "You were supposed to meet me here."
you'll say something like "I'm sorry, you are?", "I don't remember making arrangements like this" or whatever
I'll reply something like "You're Eddie Kim right? I didn't get it wrong, you're supposed to meet me. Come quick."
"I've been waiting for a year now."
Yes yes yes. Very dramatic. But our love has always been this way. Our love was built on a mountain of hopes, dreams, ideals and distance. No wonder it failed so soon.
When you left, you left me hanging. I'm not sure if I should give you up, or should I hold on. I also asked Daniel if I should hold on. He didn't reply. But it's okay. I'm not one to break my promises, I promised you I'd always be by your side, I'd never leave you. But if you were the one who didn't want it first, then if I were to give it up, it's not considered a breaking of promise. But because you left me hanging, so I'm still holding on.
Until last night. I had a sudden rush of emotions. I missed you. Everyday I'm fighting this feeling. I'm fighting the urge to talk to you. I'm too concerned about your life right now, even if you didn't want to let me into it. It's not an obsession. I'm just worried about you, like how every other girlfriends in the world would to their boyfriends, like how any other wife would be to their husbands. Because I just do care.
I told you, the first time I heard your voice at the restaurant, I liked it. That was 28th of December 2012. The second time I heard your voice at Newton Circle, I loved it. It was 16 January 2013. I regretted waiting for so long until I called you out. We wasted 2 weeks of time in between. 아이씨! hahaa. And the third time I heard your voice, you called me to ask if I knew how to wire transfer money back to Auckland but I told you my job scope didn't involve such procedures, so I couldn't help. I was addicted to it, after your phone call I went back jumping to my friends, and told them you called. I was so happy. This was one side of me you didn't get to see then. I was semi-crazy over this really interesting boy. & the first time we met, I was so certain you purposely sat on my right side, so that you could show me your underdeveloped dimples that only show on the left hand side of your face. HAHAA. I'm very sure you were deliberate. I loved loved loved your dimple. Your eyes still remain a regret. You were right, God dropped his eye cutting halfway and forgot about you. But it's these little things that I come to look pass and come to love every single trait about you. You know how I feel about you. You know it.
I didn't want to live with any regrets. I'm not sure if I allow you to leave us hanging, would it one day be gone? I can't let that happen. While our wounds are still fresh, I want to sew it back. I waited till 2am, so you should be awake be then. I decided to just let it all out, put it all out there, and see how you'd respond.
My primary purpose of the call was to tell you "I want you back". I told you how I was these past few weeks. For you, myself and the sake of us, I've been living very well. Exceptionally well. I've excelled in work and studies. I've improved relations with friends. I've been making a bunch of new friends, I've been inculcating the values of saying hi to people everywhere I go. I've been teaching people at work, I've been doing my part for the less privileged people. If my life were a jigsaw puzzle, I'm only lacking one last piece. The last piece that would eventually reveal the face of my prince charming. You're like a living jigsaw, you run away and you wont come back in place.
I have plans. Once I complete my studies, I'm going to learn Korean. With my abilities and my interest, I'm quite sure I can pick up the basics in a year. On your behalf I'll visit your uncle to see him well and healthy. I'll deliver fruits and tonics so he'll be healthily taken care of. I'm a good care taker. & I'm always sincere about it. Not only the Korean culture have such a strong family culture. Chinese also advocate the teachings of filial piety, respect elders, and to repay their kindness and wise teachings by being nice to them. I can communicate with the people you love then. My family you never had to worry, my entire group of relatives are a group of welcoming and heartwarming family. They've always treated strangers as one of their own. From day one, they only served you with sincerity that you would treat their house as your own home. They would initiate conversations with you, although they know there's a language barrier. For that I'm so grateful that they were so nice to you, and they bother to entertain. Perhaps they were the ones who imparted me with these values in the first place. That could explain my hospitality to you. All we wanted was to make you feel at home.
I could live anywhere. I used to not have a home too. I'm not sure if I told you my story. I used to go to my friend's place and bunk in for a few days, and change from place to place because I couldn't stay at their place for too long. I could sleep anywhere. As long as I have a bed. I'm glad I ever lived this kind of life, so I'm not spoilt. I'm thankful for this experience so I can be versatile. Perhaps that's why I want to be motivated to do well in life. I've never been worse than you I guess. But there's nothing to compare. We should just look forward. We'll be awesome together, because I can take hardships, you never have to worry about me. Not that being with you we'll have to face hardships, it's a just-in-case-you-thought-peiru-was-a-softie kind of things. (:
So I asked you a series of question. I never really got them answered.
I asked you if you missed me. At first you said no. then you said yes. I'm not sure which is which. But it did hurt at "no". But it's okay. I've been hurt enough during the first week. I revived from hell. nothing can really hurt me now.
So I asked you back. You said you've got too much going on in your life right now, and you can't handle relationships.
I asked you why you still come to my blog, you said because you wanted to know how I was doing in my life right now, & now that you know I'm doing fine, you were a little sad because I could do fine without us? My little kimchi, I was doing fine, because you gave me enough strength to do well. You were always my motivation for doing well. So please don't feel sad. (: & You were happy too becuase you can stop worrying about me and focus on what's troubling you at the moment. Please don't worry about me. You never had to worry. They say behind every successful man, is a successful woman. I'm quite sure I can be that woman, to give you the emotional support if you met any setbacks, celebrate your achievements, give you suggestions or advice if you needed any, be that kind of girl who never let you worry so you can just focus on your job, feed you in time when you're hungry, do your laundry, make sure you look smart and presentable, take care of you when you're sick, be your happy pill when you feel down.
When I talked to you, you barely laughed. I felt sad. But I can't be sad with you. I was so happy talking to you again. plus if I'm sad with you, it's all too gloomy. you're so not fun. But it's okay. I don't know what exactly is bothering you in your life right now, and I asked you like so many times, you cant share it with me, its okay. If you want to tell me one day, you would (: My ears are opened.
Then i wanted to clarify. You seemed like you dont have feelings for me anymore. So why did you tell me that your feelings "changed" instead of saying you have no more feelings for me. There's a big difference. I asked you did you try to package your words so that you wont hurt me that much? Or you really felt that its still possible between us so you don't want to cut us off just like that. I told you, if you don't have any more feelings, you must be fair to me so I can move on. Yet you still can't give me a definite answer, you just said "a little it of both". and you said "I don't want to burn that last string that is holding us together".
I told you my friends have been telling me to not be so stupid to wait for you, for all I know, you probably already have another woman out there. I've defended you. I said he's not that kind of person. & I believed in you. What you told me was encouraging, "how are they so sure I've moved on?" You're essentially telling me you probably havent, but you also didn't guarantee that you wouldn't. You're already keeping your options open. That hurts.
Oppa. You told me what you think was the base of our problems was that I left you. Not until you decide to stop blaming me, you'll never ever come back to me. This one I'm very sure. For the last time, I'm telling you, I never really left. That day, I only left for work. I rushed back home to find you. I'm not pointing fingers, but truth is, you left. With your luggage, you even go so far as to tell your friends to not let me know you went to them. If in the past I frivolously threw the breakup word at you, I'm sorry. I was immature. But I never really left. I always came back at the end of the day. I'm sorry if that day when I left for work, I gave you the wrong signal that I left you? I'm sorry, but I did not. But if you choose to find an excuse for the failure of our relationship, I am certain, what we have is all gone. Why can't you let it go and forgive. No point for me to keep convincing you that I was always there for you. You have to forgive me and drop your finger at me first. Tonight, I'm saying this, I can repeat it a thousand times, over and over again, but it really takes two hands to clap.
So I won't ask you to believe in me. Whether you would, it's your call. But just know that, I never ever would break my promise to you. I've promised to love you, that we'll never fight, that we'll only be happy. You can choose to throw it aside. Just tell me when you do that. So that I can remind you again, and again, even if you threw it away, like a grumpy kid throwing his food away, I'll come back, make a new set of food, again and again, until this grumpy kid is happy to swallow my sincerity to him.
I'm not the weakling you or anyone think I'll be. I can perservere. I no longer cry. My tear ducts are dry. So don't worry.
At the end of the day, I have no more regrets. How would things turn out in the future, I'm not sure. But I can devote myself to you. That I can promise. So you don't have to worry about losing me. You said "This is really simple of a problem. I need time. See you gave me two weeks, and im still here, happily and gladly answer your call. But you try to get me back when I'm not ready, it doesn't work. All I'm asking is time. I'm so sorry Peiru. I need some time. When you graduate, if you still believe in us, you can always come to me. I promise until next year jun, I will get myself sorted. If you still love me by then, and still can forgive me, please come to me. I won't even ask you for another question. I will throw myself at you, and be back to your Eddie. I wish to be this cool guy, could let you go any moment, but I can't. Because I still believe in you and me. At the same time, I know I need time. That's why I'm doing this. Please understand me."
I will. I will.
Just remember that, on the other side of the world, there's a girl waiting for you.
- recently I really have a lot of homework. I might not blog as often. but that doesn't mean I gave up on us. Hang in there Oppa. Jia you! 화이팅!
New Zealand plan was this. After I graduate, I go over to Auckland. I'll go to your school because it's the only place I know you'll be at.
I'll text you "You were supposed to meet me here."
you'll say something like "I'm sorry, you are?", "I don't remember making arrangements like this" or whatever
I'll reply something like "You're Eddie Kim right? I didn't get it wrong, you're supposed to meet me. Come quick."
"I've been waiting for a year now."
Yes yes yes. Very dramatic. But our love has always been this way. Our love was built on a mountain of hopes, dreams, ideals and distance. No wonder it failed so soon.
When you left, you left me hanging. I'm not sure if I should give you up, or should I hold on. I also asked Daniel if I should hold on. He didn't reply. But it's okay. I'm not one to break my promises, I promised you I'd always be by your side, I'd never leave you. But if you were the one who didn't want it first, then if I were to give it up, it's not considered a breaking of promise. But because you left me hanging, so I'm still holding on.
Until last night. I had a sudden rush of emotions. I missed you. Everyday I'm fighting this feeling. I'm fighting the urge to talk to you. I'm too concerned about your life right now, even if you didn't want to let me into it. It's not an obsession. I'm just worried about you, like how every other girlfriends in the world would to their boyfriends, like how any other wife would be to their husbands. Because I just do care.
I told you, the first time I heard your voice at the restaurant, I liked it. That was 28th of December 2012. The second time I heard your voice at Newton Circle, I loved it. It was 16 January 2013. I regretted waiting for so long until I called you out. We wasted 2 weeks of time in between. 아이씨! hahaa. And the third time I heard your voice, you called me to ask if I knew how to wire transfer money back to Auckland but I told you my job scope didn't involve such procedures, so I couldn't help. I was addicted to it, after your phone call I went back jumping to my friends, and told them you called. I was so happy. This was one side of me you didn't get to see then. I was semi-crazy over this really interesting boy. & the first time we met, I was so certain you purposely sat on my right side, so that you could show me your underdeveloped dimples that only show on the left hand side of your face. HAHAA. I'm very sure you were deliberate. I loved loved loved your dimple. Your eyes still remain a regret. You were right, God dropped his eye cutting halfway and forgot about you. But it's these little things that I come to look pass and come to love every single trait about you. You know how I feel about you. You know it.
I didn't want to live with any regrets. I'm not sure if I allow you to leave us hanging, would it one day be gone? I can't let that happen. While our wounds are still fresh, I want to sew it back. I waited till 2am, so you should be awake be then. I decided to just let it all out, put it all out there, and see how you'd respond.
My primary purpose of the call was to tell you "I want you back". I told you how I was these past few weeks. For you, myself and the sake of us, I've been living very well. Exceptionally well. I've excelled in work and studies. I've improved relations with friends. I've been making a bunch of new friends, I've been inculcating the values of saying hi to people everywhere I go. I've been teaching people at work, I've been doing my part for the less privileged people. If my life were a jigsaw puzzle, I'm only lacking one last piece. The last piece that would eventually reveal the face of my prince charming. You're like a living jigsaw, you run away and you wont come back in place.
I have plans. Once I complete my studies, I'm going to learn Korean. With my abilities and my interest, I'm quite sure I can pick up the basics in a year. On your behalf I'll visit your uncle to see him well and healthy. I'll deliver fruits and tonics so he'll be healthily taken care of. I'm a good care taker. & I'm always sincere about it. Not only the Korean culture have such a strong family culture. Chinese also advocate the teachings of filial piety, respect elders, and to repay their kindness and wise teachings by being nice to them. I can communicate with the people you love then. My family you never had to worry, my entire group of relatives are a group of welcoming and heartwarming family. They've always treated strangers as one of their own. From day one, they only served you with sincerity that you would treat their house as your own home. They would initiate conversations with you, although they know there's a language barrier. For that I'm so grateful that they were so nice to you, and they bother to entertain. Perhaps they were the ones who imparted me with these values in the first place. That could explain my hospitality to you. All we wanted was to make you feel at home.
I could live anywhere. I used to not have a home too. I'm not sure if I told you my story. I used to go to my friend's place and bunk in for a few days, and change from place to place because I couldn't stay at their place for too long. I could sleep anywhere. As long as I have a bed. I'm glad I ever lived this kind of life, so I'm not spoilt. I'm thankful for this experience so I can be versatile. Perhaps that's why I want to be motivated to do well in life. I've never been worse than you I guess. But there's nothing to compare. We should just look forward. We'll be awesome together, because I can take hardships, you never have to worry about me. Not that being with you we'll have to face hardships, it's a just-in-case-you-thought-peiru-was-a-softie kind of things. (:
So I asked you a series of question. I never really got them answered.
I asked you if you missed me. At first you said no. then you said yes. I'm not sure which is which. But it did hurt at "no". But it's okay. I've been hurt enough during the first week. I revived from hell. nothing can really hurt me now.
So I asked you back. You said you've got too much going on in your life right now, and you can't handle relationships.
I asked you why you still come to my blog, you said because you wanted to know how I was doing in my life right now, & now that you know I'm doing fine, you were a little sad because I could do fine without us? My little kimchi, I was doing fine, because you gave me enough strength to do well. You were always my motivation for doing well. So please don't feel sad. (: & You were happy too becuase you can stop worrying about me and focus on what's troubling you at the moment. Please don't worry about me. You never had to worry. They say behind every successful man, is a successful woman. I'm quite sure I can be that woman, to give you the emotional support if you met any setbacks, celebrate your achievements, give you suggestions or advice if you needed any, be that kind of girl who never let you worry so you can just focus on your job, feed you in time when you're hungry, do your laundry, make sure you look smart and presentable, take care of you when you're sick, be your happy pill when you feel down.
When I talked to you, you barely laughed. I felt sad. But I can't be sad with you. I was so happy talking to you again. plus if I'm sad with you, it's all too gloomy. you're so not fun. But it's okay. I don't know what exactly is bothering you in your life right now, and I asked you like so many times, you cant share it with me, its okay. If you want to tell me one day, you would (: My ears are opened.
Then i wanted to clarify. You seemed like you dont have feelings for me anymore. So why did you tell me that your feelings "changed" instead of saying you have no more feelings for me. There's a big difference. I asked you did you try to package your words so that you wont hurt me that much? Or you really felt that its still possible between us so you don't want to cut us off just like that. I told you, if you don't have any more feelings, you must be fair to me so I can move on. Yet you still can't give me a definite answer, you just said "a little it of both". and you said "I don't want to burn that last string that is holding us together".
I told you my friends have been telling me to not be so stupid to wait for you, for all I know, you probably already have another woman out there. I've defended you. I said he's not that kind of person. & I believed in you. What you told me was encouraging, "how are they so sure I've moved on?" You're essentially telling me you probably havent, but you also didn't guarantee that you wouldn't. You're already keeping your options open. That hurts.
Oppa. You told me what you think was the base of our problems was that I left you. Not until you decide to stop blaming me, you'll never ever come back to me. This one I'm very sure. For the last time, I'm telling you, I never really left. That day, I only left for work. I rushed back home to find you. I'm not pointing fingers, but truth is, you left. With your luggage, you even go so far as to tell your friends to not let me know you went to them. If in the past I frivolously threw the breakup word at you, I'm sorry. I was immature. But I never really left. I always came back at the end of the day. I'm sorry if that day when I left for work, I gave you the wrong signal that I left you? I'm sorry, but I did not. But if you choose to find an excuse for the failure of our relationship, I am certain, what we have is all gone. Why can't you let it go and forgive. No point for me to keep convincing you that I was always there for you. You have to forgive me and drop your finger at me first. Tonight, I'm saying this, I can repeat it a thousand times, over and over again, but it really takes two hands to clap.
So I won't ask you to believe in me. Whether you would, it's your call. But just know that, I never ever would break my promise to you. I've promised to love you, that we'll never fight, that we'll only be happy. You can choose to throw it aside. Just tell me when you do that. So that I can remind you again, and again, even if you threw it away, like a grumpy kid throwing his food away, I'll come back, make a new set of food, again and again, until this grumpy kid is happy to swallow my sincerity to him.
I'm not the weakling you or anyone think I'll be. I can perservere. I no longer cry. My tear ducts are dry. So don't worry.
At the end of the day, I have no more regrets. How would things turn out in the future, I'm not sure. But I can devote myself to you. That I can promise. So you don't have to worry about losing me. You said "This is really simple of a problem. I need time. See you gave me two weeks, and im still here, happily and gladly answer your call. But you try to get me back when I'm not ready, it doesn't work. All I'm asking is time. I'm so sorry Peiru. I need some time. When you graduate, if you still believe in us, you can always come to me. I promise until next year jun, I will get myself sorted. If you still love me by then, and still can forgive me, please come to me. I won't even ask you for another question. I will throw myself at you, and be back to your Eddie. I wish to be this cool guy, could let you go any moment, but I can't. Because I still believe in you and me. At the same time, I know I need time. That's why I'm doing this. Please understand me."
I will. I will.
Just remember that, on the other side of the world, there's a girl waiting for you.
- recently I really have a lot of homework. I might not blog as often. but that doesn't mean I gave up on us. Hang in there Oppa. Jia you! 화이팅!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Sleep. Date
I was supposed to rush my essay last night. But the nights of OT at work took its toll on me. I was supposed to be up until 12 am to wish a friend happy birthday. But I couldn't make it to 12. & the usual nightmares/dreams kept me up all night. It was wake up-sleep-wake up-sleep. The nights became more tiring than the consciously busy days.
Why is sleep always so difficult for me?
Then when it was time to wake up, I decided to wear my new blue shirt. The one we bought together. I ironed it. Then I ironed my hands altogether. My leftie now has a blister. Thankfully I have an endurance for heat from all the chilli cutting. Getting scalded is nothing compared to the chilli burns. I'm a superwoman.
The stress of the essay is hitting me. Yet I still find my other being relaxed and cool. From so many times of scoring an A from last minute work made me too conceited. From a long time ago I've always hated studying for the sake of the paper chase. So what if we have degrees. It doesn't make us any more special than what we are.
& you'd still leave.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Why is sleep always so difficult for me?
Then when it was time to wake up, I decided to wear my new blue shirt. The one we bought together. I ironed it. Then I ironed my hands altogether. My leftie now has a blister. Thankfully I have an endurance for heat from all the chilli cutting. Getting scalded is nothing compared to the chilli burns. I'm a superwoman.
The stress of the essay is hitting me. Yet I still find my other being relaxed and cool. From so many times of scoring an A from last minute work made me too conceited. From a long time ago I've always hated studying for the sake of the paper chase. So what if we have degrees. It doesn't make us any more special than what we are.
& you'd still leave.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, October 11, 2013
worn out
In the office its like putting myself at the warfront. I call for meetings and rectify situations. I have to wear confidence on my sleeves, I have to armour myself with knowledge so that I can defend myself questions that shoots out from the floor like machine guns. I am capable to answer all, but the process is wearing me out. Its 12 against 1. At the end of the day I only have my weary self to fall back on. You were once my emotional support. But like all things mortal, good things come to an end, eventually and surely. I learned to take things in my stride. Let nature run its course. You were good to have but not a necessity. I guess this is the result of a default independence that I must have. But not everything has to be done this way, for God made social relations part and parcel of life. Humans can decide whether to be both emotionally dependent or independent. It's a grey area of speculation. Some find it easier alone, some find it better in doubles. Either way it's a matter of choice. & unfortunately, yours feature solitude.
Essay due on Sunday. Tomorrow its a friend's birthday. I'e committed myself to folding balloon sculptures for the underpriviledged kids for a short while too. & the spreadsheets I have to come out with for work is also taxing. It helps if along the way I get a word of encouragement for a recharge of determination when my energy runs low. Dad is supportive. & so are my closer friends. Im glad that at the end of the day, everything works out fine somehow.
I just hope the internet connection gets restored by today. the telco company's fibre internet cables got burnt in a fire and I have no access to the crucial internet information these days. Let's pray for the best.
Essay due on Sunday. Tomorrow its a friend's birthday. I'e committed myself to folding balloon sculptures for the underpriviledged kids for a short while too. & the spreadsheets I have to come out with for work is also taxing. It helps if along the way I get a word of encouragement for a recharge of determination when my energy runs low. Dad is supportive. & so are my closer friends. Im glad that at the end of the day, everything works out fine somehow.
I just hope the internet connection gets restored by today. the telco company's fibre internet cables got burnt in a fire and I have no access to the crucial internet information these days. Let's pray for the best.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
too busy
I'm inspired to write a story. But I'm overwhelmed by school and work. I'm determined to excel in both so I might not have the time to write here.
12th, 13th, 17,th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 24th, 25th, 27th, 28th I'm all packed. I need a really good break.
I can't stop smiling. of my own achievements and of the people I'm gonna meet. My creativity painted a really colourful picture yet I have one last mission for next year. I will accomplish it, and maybe come back a changed person. For better or worse, I'm not sure yet.
Learning your language is still on my list. 1 year after I graduate would be enough for daily conversations I suppose. I'm born for this. (:
meanwhile, be good.
12th, 13th, 17,th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 24th, 25th, 27th, 28th I'm all packed. I need a really good break.
I can't stop smiling. of my own achievements and of the people I'm gonna meet. My creativity painted a really colourful picture yet I have one last mission for next year. I will accomplish it, and maybe come back a changed person. For better or worse, I'm not sure yet.
Learning your language is still on my list. 1 year after I graduate would be enough for daily conversations I suppose. I'm born for this. (:
meanwhile, be good.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
hectic
it's a little hectic, the week is drawing to an end again. Homework is piling up yet I have to juggle work responsibilities too. I'm more inclined to work than to study, although I'm sure which cn pave way to a better future. Then again, if I excel at work now, I might be open to more opportunities next time. I'm not sure, probably I'll probe my boss tomorrow again.
There's nothing interesting but I'm really psyched for tomorrow. It's my first official meeting with boss & I'm 99% well prepared. Heh. I've got to learn not to sweat the small stuffs. Then again, I'm excited at my growth. Today hasn't been the best day, it started slow and fuzzy & I've been sleeping at 2am everyday. I don't know what's eating my sleeping time at night.
Oh, yesterday I was on a bug killing mission. I saw a cricket in the room so I moved all my furniture in the room just to trace it. I wished there was a macho man to help me catch it, but the truth is I'm braver than my brother in front of insects. Sigh. Why am I so fearless. Men can't even find an excuse to protect me even if they wanted to. haha.
I've been receiving compliments that I've slimmed down. But I'm really gaining it all back. When I feel fat I don't feel good. Damn. So explains the bad mood today.
Besides, I've been thinking a lot. I've been thinking about the most ridiculous things in the world. I wish i could tell you about it. But you're the experiencer so I can't you in on this. Nevertheless, it's pretty beautiful. Guess it can reduce the scary impact of the nightmare I had last night. I dreamt that someone died.
Gosh. Must be that my friend kept asking me to go for horror/gore movies like "insidious" or the korean sci-fi "The Flu" or "The colony". I merely read the synopsis and I just shivered with fear. & in times like this I wear the black sweater to feel warm and safe again.
There's nothing interesting but I'm really psyched for tomorrow. It's my first official meeting with boss & I'm 99% well prepared. Heh. I've got to learn not to sweat the small stuffs. Then again, I'm excited at my growth. Today hasn't been the best day, it started slow and fuzzy & I've been sleeping at 2am everyday. I don't know what's eating my sleeping time at night.
Oh, yesterday I was on a bug killing mission. I saw a cricket in the room so I moved all my furniture in the room just to trace it. I wished there was a macho man to help me catch it, but the truth is I'm braver than my brother in front of insects. Sigh. Why am I so fearless. Men can't even find an excuse to protect me even if they wanted to. haha.
I've been receiving compliments that I've slimmed down. But I'm really gaining it all back. When I feel fat I don't feel good. Damn. So explains the bad mood today.
Besides, I've been thinking a lot. I've been thinking about the most ridiculous things in the world. I wish i could tell you about it. But you're the experiencer so I can't you in on this. Nevertheless, it's pretty beautiful. Guess it can reduce the scary impact of the nightmare I had last night. I dreamt that someone died.
Gosh. Must be that my friend kept asking me to go for horror/gore movies like "insidious" or the korean sci-fi "The Flu" or "The colony". I merely read the synopsis and I just shivered with fear. & in times like this I wear the black sweater to feel warm and safe again.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
good luck streak this week
I'm so happy. So so happy. Good news keep hitting me like shooting stars from the sky.
But I can't put it right here, I can't boast like this. I'm so over the roof, I don't know how to explain it. But I'm glad for the silver lining after the rain. May it help me accomplish many more things due next week. Today new friendships are forged and old friendships renewed for the better. For some reason, I'm too thankful that relationships are so easy like that.
I'm more than hopeful.
But I can't put it right here, I can't boast like this. I'm so over the roof, I don't know how to explain it. But I'm glad for the silver lining after the rain. May it help me accomplish many more things due next week. Today new friendships are forged and old friendships renewed for the better. For some reason, I'm too thankful that relationships are so easy like that.
I'm more than hopeful.
Excel
This test was taken amidst the heartbreak. I'm thankful that I was able to momentarily put aside all emotions and do well once again. At least I didn't fail myself. My upcoming essays would be better. I'm too smart for this (:
hahahaha. I'm too proud. I need to learn some humility.
Monday, October 7, 2013
row, row, row your boat
I thought if I perservered, It's good for us. But looks like I was wrong.
I'm getting used to this. Waking up to friend's messages feels the same. I pack my time with lunch dates and after work activities and occupy myself with homework seems to do the trick. Before I could love anyone again I have to love myself first. So, I've resumed eating normally and go for my regular exercises. Work, play, exercise, sleep. That's the routine before I knew you and this is how I'm gonna live my life. I just had to think about how my life was like before we met, and all of a sudden, i was enlightened.
It's always been the same. I've always been independent, and I had to be since you weren't around all the time. I didn't need you for school, I didn't need you for work. I had you as a bonus for a emotional backup, and when it's gone, I shouldn't feel shortchanged. I just wonder why did I take so long to realise.
I chaired the first meeting that I called for today. I was in control of work and I enjoy it. If I could do so well at work, I bet I must reign in my emotions too. I would stop thinking with my heart and start to think with my brain. I've received enough hurt and I don't want it anymore.
It's time to shut the emotional factory down and spend some quality time with the people who actually cared to stay.
To the phantom future that we built, I'm slowly killing it one by one. It was all too idealised, too dreamy. We could have made it work but my efforts alone cannot achieve anything. I'm coping well & I just hope you are too.
Merrily, merrily, merrily merrily, life is but a dream.
I'm getting used to this. Waking up to friend's messages feels the same. I pack my time with lunch dates and after work activities and occupy myself with homework seems to do the trick. Before I could love anyone again I have to love myself first. So, I've resumed eating normally and go for my regular exercises. Work, play, exercise, sleep. That's the routine before I knew you and this is how I'm gonna live my life. I just had to think about how my life was like before we met, and all of a sudden, i was enlightened.
It's always been the same. I've always been independent, and I had to be since you weren't around all the time. I didn't need you for school, I didn't need you for work. I had you as a bonus for a emotional backup, and when it's gone, I shouldn't feel shortchanged. I just wonder why did I take so long to realise.
I chaired the first meeting that I called for today. I was in control of work and I enjoy it. If I could do so well at work, I bet I must reign in my emotions too. I would stop thinking with my heart and start to think with my brain. I've received enough hurt and I don't want it anymore.
It's time to shut the emotional factory down and spend some quality time with the people who actually cared to stay.
To the phantom future that we built, I'm slowly killing it one by one. It was all too idealised, too dreamy. We could have made it work but my efforts alone cannot achieve anything. I'm coping well & I just hope you are too.
Merrily, merrily, merrily merrily, life is but a dream.
purity
I mind. I mind a lot. Never mind if we were shared before. But everything after, I mind a lot. I don't like to share.
If I knew you don't belong entirely to me, I'm pretty certain, we wouldn't open a next chapter ever.
During nights like this my mind runs pretty wild. I imagine all the kinds of possibilities so that I wouldn't be surprised in the near future.
I'll have to be prepared all the time for a "I knew it" moment. For a "what's new" moment.
Somehow I would like to believe still. I'm not sure if praying helps. But if we're not meant to be, we're not meant to be.
If I knew you don't belong entirely to me, I'm pretty certain, we wouldn't open a next chapter ever.
During nights like this my mind runs pretty wild. I imagine all the kinds of possibilities so that I wouldn't be surprised in the near future.
I'll have to be prepared all the time for a "I knew it" moment. For a "what's new" moment.
Somehow I would like to believe still. I'm not sure if praying helps. But if we're not meant to be, we're not meant to be.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Finally a day for myself
I just decided to not do anything but allow myself to enjoy wholeheartedly. I'm paranoid still, that if I don't bring out my book, I might not have any material to read whenever I have the free time. So I brought out my super thick and heavy book just to have a piece of mind.
Went to have Ramen for brunch, some cakes, and karaoke with kai wei and jia min. It helps to take a really heavy load off my shoulders in their presence.
Went to have Ramen for brunch, some cakes, and karaoke with kai wei and jia min. It helps to take a really heavy load off my shoulders in their presence.
I still look pretty still, so I'm not sure why I'm thrown aside. So we went for a major karaoke session to sing our hearts out. To all the relationship woes that have been bugging us, to hell with you.
I'll get started on a lot of things tomorrow. After this ordeal I have a couple of lunch dates with friends of the new and the old. Time will heal everything in due course. But the ghosts of our past lives like the shadows whenever it is day.
Today I woke up to messages that convey love and friendship. Tomorrow I might wake up to none. I guess I have to get used to this, although, it is always better to wake up to a few. I feel less empty and I will feel better throughout the day. That was all I needed to survive another loveless day.
I was chatting up a friend and we happened to talk about what about you was it that caught my attention. For all things material, I believe I've touched on it before. But your voice in particular, was one of the traits that were being discussed. There's just something about your voice that speaks to me, in a firm/gentle/gentlemanly/humourous/alluring manner. It's everything mesmerizing and nothing disturbing. Every night, before I sleep, it's the last thing I want to hear and every morning, it's the first thing I would love to listen to.
It used to be that way.
I was chatting up a friend and we happened to talk about what about you was it that caught my attention. For all things material, I believe I've touched on it before. But your voice in particular, was one of the traits that were being discussed. There's just something about your voice that speaks to me, in a firm/gentle/gentlemanly/humourous/alluring manner. It's everything mesmerizing and nothing disturbing. Every night, before I sleep, it's the last thing I want to hear and every morning, it's the first thing I would love to listen to.
It used to be that way.
每一天, 我只希望你能过得一天比一天好. 就这样默默地爱着你, 让你可以拥有天长地久的爱.
"这一份情,永远难了,愿来生还能, 再度拥抱."
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