typical day of a perfect life.

You just reminded me how we've spent our time three consecutive days together. It struck me like an epiphany, or like some kind of unexpected enlightenment, that, that was how my last three days was spent. It was more than enjoyable I didn't even realise how fast time passed.

Yeah, now I remember. On the 21st, it was a mini Korean lesson at night & I cooked you this disappointing scrambled eggs which you claimed microwave does it better. Oh well, it's okay. I'm not going to be jealous of a microwave. I knew you didn't expect Michelin standard breakfasts & I was relieved. My food was sprinkled with a generous portion of my heart though. I hope you tasted it sweet & savoured every single molecule of it all. (: I knew you did. & I'm thankful that despite it not being perfect, you still devoured my lousy cooking with nothing condescending but instead, with full of praises.

Thank you. I appreciated your charity & graciousness in accepting my flaws. (:

& there's day 2. I was clad in my cute little pants which Jordan labelled it "pyjamas". I'm glad you came over with us for drinks. You have no idea how much it meant to me. Your anxiety and concern for me makes my heart flutter. Then there was this breakfast at the most beautiful place with the most amazing person ever. I love how you embrace me into your arms whenever I come to you. I always feel welcomed. So we sat in front of this mini hills looking like teletubby land, with buggy cars driving all over the place, tropical, palm and grand trees surrounding us as if we're characters in Alice in Wonderland - except for the absence of small poker-card people; basking in the warmth of the sunlight while in the shade of our love; you never forgetting to hold my hands even while you smoke and drink your coffee. Then we went back into the shade for breakfast. I'm sorry I'm fussy about food. I cannot take hot drinks in the morning, I cannot take coffee especially. Neither can I do orange juice. Ham is the worst food on earth. But I love how we complement each other. I could eat your share of baked beans while you take the coffee and juice and ham. how apt. we're like the perfect puzzle piece in the simplest manner. I love how you feed me congee in the most considerate way.

I felt like the most fortunate girl on earth. I couldn't stop smiling.

& there's day 3. It was spontaneously planned yet I'm glad you turned up anyway. It was a pretty bad day for us both & I thoroughly apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if I hurt you. But it was as bad for me when you curtly said that you were going to put up this line of defence against me. My world crumbled. I was so lost I didn't know what to do. It pains me to see you worrying over something that is non-existent. But I understand your feelings for me. I totally understand where you are coming from but somehow I wished you knew me better, that my family is the most important part of my life & you would become one too. Therefore, having to delete these memories of my birthday & my family just because of an insignificant person who no longer has a foothold in my life, killed me. All of a sudden, I felt as if I never had a 21st, 22nd and 23rd year of my life, whatever I did hollowed me out completely. But now that it's all gone now, I only hope you'll fill that cavity in my heart with whatever you can give to make me feel alive again.

I never would blame you. I never will. I just did what I had to do, because I believe in a future with you. But I hope you understood that as it was difficult for you, it was the same for me. I would stop convincing you why I didn't think the pasts matter, or why I will never mind your pasts. I want to remove every single prick in your heart so you'll have the capacity for me. I hope you do now.

So I got you the best congee on earth, coffee & "orange juice". I hope you liked it. I remembered your favourite combination. But okay, next time i'll remember the pulpy ones. & I'd stop experimenting with your taste buds with applenorange juice. (I still can't believe you thought it was mango/durian juice HAHA) But honey, it's better this way, it cannot be any way fresher. But oh well, I'll spoil you with your preferences. I'll also remember your streaky bacon instead of the healthier back bacon next time you ever trust me to make you scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast again. (: I love how you entertain me with your funny acnecdotes like how you talk to customers at the restaurant. & I love how guillible you are when I tried to tease you that I'm colour blind and almost every other time when I got the chance. Maybe when you met me, you would stop believing in numbers and believe that Karma does exist too. HAHA. Maybe you shouldn't tease Nickie too much unless you enjoy me like this. (:

My morning was too fun. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

The more we spend time together, the more attached I become to you. I have no idea since when you took this one-way ticket into my heart, I'm a little bitter right now that you didn't even ask for my permission before you did that. But please, my heart isn't an airport, isn't a parking lot, & neither is it a pier. Don't park & leave. Please stay.

Please stay.

不由自主

I'm tired. I'm tired from this sleep I barely had. I'm tired from running errands on a hot sunny afternoon. I'm tired & I still shiver in cold in this hot weather. Fatigue consumes me. Sleep beckons. My consciousness is wearing out by the seconds. But in my mind, there's only you. You need to be there to fuel my day despite all the headaches you're feeling from your hangover. You've been selfish enough. It's my turn now to be one.

I could go home right now. But I don't want to. I could meet some friends for lunch, but I don't want to. Like you said, life is too short to hold back. Despite all the weariness I felt, my feet just kept going. I trudge heavily, I move sluggishly, I yawn so frequently my eyes kept tearing. But I just need to go to you.

All these exhaustion didnt matter. All I need today was just a hug. That's all that matters.

pasts shouldn't matter

today you just thoroughly disappointed me. I've written a whole chunk of words, but nothing best summarises everything I had felt for the whole of today but the fact that I feel like a used commodity.

I don't deserve this. Please don't do this to me.

be on the same page

I've always been angry with myself for having a bad memory. As I try very hard to preserve every single memory of us, I can't help it but feel vulnerable to time, eating the very last bits of our past away. How wonderful it would be if you could be my side every single day, reminding me of us whenever our history gets eroded, as well as be there to create new ones again. That'll be best. But I wouldn't try to resist fate, for if its meant to be, its meant to be.

Archiving all of you is impossible in this small space, but whatever is significant, i shall record it to as much detail as I can.

My day wasn't exactly the best, I procrastinate on my work. I don't know how can I ever change this habit, but my whole mind was all you. You told me "I miss you so much Peiru, I just wanna put everything down, and run to you". Guess what, I felt exactly the same. But as much as I want to think with my heart, my rationality went down really hard on me & gave out a defiant "No". You have no idea how much I want to go all the way down to city hall; even if I just caught a glimpse of you, it would not suffice, but it'll keep me sane for a little while more. You're like a drug addiction, I need a little bit of you from time to time so it'll keep me going. If I don't get my regular doses, I'd go crazy, I can't focus & I can't think. I wonder what made me so helplessly in love with you, but of the hundreds and thousands of time I contemplate over this, I never found an answer. You're a puzzle I never got to solve, and its this enigma that draws me deeper and deeper into the conquest of knowing you better.

you're part of the reason for my distraction. But its not entirely you either. My propensity to wander off my studying track has got a really marked history which you should have known by now. My studying patterns are very much characterised by wretched last minute efforts brought about by my linguistic arrogance that I could deliver considerably decent answers in a short time. But it's also this that disappoints myself everytime I try to change this hideous habit of mine. Towards the end of the day I got so angry and frustrated, I perhaps brought a little of this into our conversations. I must apologize, I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.

I hope my little temper didn't change your perceptions of me, and that I confessed that I do have a short fuse sometimes. I hope that didnt spoil anything for us. Know that I'd put in some effort to change this aspect of myself. (:

we talked about our future, and I shared my most obscured dreams. I ever revel over the prospect of a kid of my own, of half Korean heritage and I imagine the little one enunciating greetings and folksongs in Korean. I'm sorry I didn't include you in our little fantasy because I'm not sure if you'd leave or stay. I hope u won't feel hurt that I thought of you like this, & I seek your understanding, that I have fears of my own. Regardless, now I'm certain whenever I paint my future landscape, I'd always leave a place for you in the picture. (:

You brought up this really crazy idea to get us settled down in NZ. it really appealed to the spontaneity in me. I would very much love to say "Yes!" But life wasn't designed to be all spontaneous. Not at this stage of our lives.

Presently, if there's one thing to be sure, I'd say its could be that you're the one person out of the 7 billion people I'm looking for. (:


I'd like to believe in all of this. I just hoped you'd feel the same.

the talk

The more we talk about it, the more real it becomes. This is a painted reality that I could never imagine, because it's nothing like what I had before. It's not only that you're special because you have all these things other boys don't. You're special because you just are. It's the whole package, I can't really pinpoint what exactly about you that gave me this feeling. But because nothing is set in stone, you're sometimes my dream, and sometimes my Achilles heel. But you're never anything close to real. For now we could see each other everyday, but the next moment, you could just pack your bags and go. Not that I'm saying you're a irresponsible man, and not that you have anything to be responsible for, but,

what if you never came back?

Today you sent this message "let me be your boyfriend, I will be good for you". I'm not sure if you were serious, I brushed it off lightly, "who says I have a boyfriend, we were never together Edward". I know you are serious but I couldn't take your words seriously. For a myriad of reasons. and please don't worry because none is anything negative about you.

Right now, it just seems life's a bitch playing these little time tricks on us. I'm not sure if this was a good time to meet each other, but all these waiting, and uncertain futures, can either make or break us. It all depends on how we walk-the-talk rather than talk-the-walk I reckon. but spatial constraints I believe, still remain an issue. I wouldn't mind flying over, even if I only would get to see you for a few hours and come back, though I was certain nothing lesser than being able to see you everyday would ever be enough. I've been thrown into this abyss of despair, and helplessness I'm not sure I could climb out from, because if you ever left, I wouldnt make you stay. I would be the last person to hinder you from fulfilling your dreams, studies and whatever is left in your life to pick up the pieces. I would want to be that person to just be there, do whatever I can to mend the broken parts of your life and give you time to set them right again. When you are finally done, I can only hope for you to come back for me, willingly, ready to spend the rest of our lives together. I have the capacity to welcome someone who left, and by that time, I'd never let you go ever again.

So I was so regretful I put you in this verbal conundrum, where I asked you things like how much you liked me, how much I mean to you. I'd never put you in this sort of situation again. It pains me seeing you thinking so hard, trying to come up with a politically corrrect answer that wouldn't satisfy. You know what exactly the things I want to hear but you refuse to lie. I've always loved you being the honest person that you are, I rather hear things that are genuine and let my heart be broken than to hear you lie. I know you're afraid to make promises, you're afraid to disappoint. You can seem like a total asshole this way, but I told you, I always try to believe the best in people. If you aren't someone I hoped you'd be, that's the risk I'm willing to take. You are my best bet right now, a gamble I'd spend my fortune on the table, because in the long run, my million dollar prize is you.

I've asked you to stop painting these imaginary futures that we're gonna have together, but you refuted saying these conjured images of a heartwarming family is your life now, your hope, & I'm the ticket to your dream. It made me think really hard. Maybe I was wrong. I'm sorry if I trampled on your dreaming session a little, because it hurts me knowing I can't have this imagined life at all, or in the near future. I'll let you continue with this fantasy a little while more. Every little boy deserves his make-believe fantasies. For you, maybe I can hold off reality just a little while more, until you get yourself sorted out. (:

In the meantime, lets just treasure our remaining time together. Let tomorrow worry for itself.

시간 없어요

시간  없어요, you're leaving soon. Let's not get too attached. 

phonecall

I guess you brought me luck. My failing to submit my assignment was miraculously taken cared of. A most unexpected reply from my lecturer at 12am to extend the deadline was certainly most helpful. I could never dream of this. (: you just went "Peiru, you're welcome". I liked how thick-skinned you were, trying to earn credit and assuming it was all because of you. HAHAHA.

I never liked phonecalls. It was nice to know you never liked texting either, but you bent your preferences to suit mine. Why, thank you, that was very sweet of you. & I'm starting to like them.

What caught me by surprise most was when you said I was different. This is by far the most romantic lines anyone has delivered to me. Too original. You said "If you like me, its fine. But if you don't like me, its not fine". My heart melted. You confessed that you don't know what's gonna happen to you tomorrow, and you stick to the initial plan that you never intended to start a life with just anyone. But, "you, I've got a feeling that you may be the one I wanna start a new chapter with".

You've got no idea. It was so romantic. I thought "even if i were to die this moment, I have no regrets having you, to actually tell me that".

You sent me in shock. You sent me so much love. You sent me a ray of hope I lost such a long time ago.

But no, I cannot succumb to love still. I can't let love blind me again. But Edward, I really appreciate all these.

At this moment, I hate you. you asked me how much. I said "just a little". but you really know, i really really really really really really hate you a whole lot. (: I bet you do, love. I bet you do. 

bittersweet

So my best friend went, "우리 페이루한테 잘해줘야돼요."

you went "나는 그녀를 존중합니다, 그녀는 소중한 사람이니까요 :)"

best friend says "응 우리한테도 소중한 친구예요. 잘해주시길 바래요~ ㅋㅋ"

I told you "지금 잘해주지 말아요. 그래야 니가 떠날때 내 마음 그렇게 아프지도 않을거고 넘 보고싶지도 않을거예요."

This really sent me crazy "나 지금 울고싶어요. 페이루가 너무 착해서 걱정이 많이되요. 가슴아프게 하고 싶지 않은데,, 내가 너무 이기적이라 보고싶으면 손잡고 싶으면 안고싶으면 그렇게 해야되는데....."

I'm not sure what's ahead. But for now, let's just take one step at a time. 

tonight, lets just live in the moment

4th meeting: you were troubled. I was out having fun. My farewell night.

I wanted to say, "이따가 꼭 와야돼요. 그 사람들은 나 술을 마시게 만들거에요." But I couldn't bear to let you worry about me when you were having troubles of your own. 

You said "I should have come to save you." That was enough for me.

I'm sorry I worried you. It feels good having someone to think about me in that way. I wanted to give you the surprise, I'm sorry I couldnt pick up your calls before I appear before you. 

Tonight I just wanted to give you a hug and go home. I'm glad you made me stay a little while longer. I enjoy the walk in the park. I'll keep this memory fresh for as long as I can remember. 

I hope I made your day less gloomy than it was (: 

To not cage is the better option

The more I think about it, the more impossible we are. Yet, there's something about you that makes my heart flutter. You always open yourself up to me, yet I still feel as if you have a mountain of history awaiting to be uncovered. You always look as if you have something to say to me. Yet all I hear is a undisrupted silence filling the void between us. But you said that you always imagined having a normal conversation but somehow when you see me, the words just won't come out easily. It's magical isn't it? Of the so many scenarios we imagine, we can only materialize so much. So what was it that stopped you? I would really love to think I made you shy. Then again, it might be the more possible reason that I'm too boring to talk to. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's always safer to be humble than be assuming, so there would be less embarrassment. I thoroughly enjoy your company. Especially our bantering on paper as if we were mutes, alternating between Korean and the English language. It is a kind of cheap thrill that only you could provide.

& somewhere, deep down, I did hope your imaginary application form you filled was genuine.

Then again, we cannot happen. We shouldn't happen. Therefore we won't happen. You're meant for bigger & more exciting things.

I'd be nice to know if I could, but I never would think of caging a bird.