the talk

The more we talk about it, the more real it becomes. This is a painted reality that I could never imagine, because it's nothing like what I had before. It's not only that you're special because you have all these things other boys don't. You're special because you just are. It's the whole package, I can't really pinpoint what exactly about you that gave me this feeling. But because nothing is set in stone, you're sometimes my dream, and sometimes my Achilles heel. But you're never anything close to real. For now we could see each other everyday, but the next moment, you could just pack your bags and go. Not that I'm saying you're a irresponsible man, and not that you have anything to be responsible for, but,

what if you never came back?

Today you sent this message "let me be your boyfriend, I will be good for you". I'm not sure if you were serious, I brushed it off lightly, "who says I have a boyfriend, we were never together Edward". I know you are serious but I couldn't take your words seriously. For a myriad of reasons. and please don't worry because none is anything negative about you.

Right now, it just seems life's a bitch playing these little time tricks on us. I'm not sure if this was a good time to meet each other, but all these waiting, and uncertain futures, can either make or break us. It all depends on how we walk-the-talk rather than talk-the-walk I reckon. but spatial constraints I believe, still remain an issue. I wouldn't mind flying over, even if I only would get to see you for a few hours and come back, though I was certain nothing lesser than being able to see you everyday would ever be enough. I've been thrown into this abyss of despair, and helplessness I'm not sure I could climb out from, because if you ever left, I wouldnt make you stay. I would be the last person to hinder you from fulfilling your dreams, studies and whatever is left in your life to pick up the pieces. I would want to be that person to just be there, do whatever I can to mend the broken parts of your life and give you time to set them right again. When you are finally done, I can only hope for you to come back for me, willingly, ready to spend the rest of our lives together. I have the capacity to welcome someone who left, and by that time, I'd never let you go ever again.

So I was so regretful I put you in this verbal conundrum, where I asked you things like how much you liked me, how much I mean to you. I'd never put you in this sort of situation again. It pains me seeing you thinking so hard, trying to come up with a politically corrrect answer that wouldn't satisfy. You know what exactly the things I want to hear but you refuse to lie. I've always loved you being the honest person that you are, I rather hear things that are genuine and let my heart be broken than to hear you lie. I know you're afraid to make promises, you're afraid to disappoint. You can seem like a total asshole this way, but I told you, I always try to believe the best in people. If you aren't someone I hoped you'd be, that's the risk I'm willing to take. You are my best bet right now, a gamble I'd spend my fortune on the table, because in the long run, my million dollar prize is you.

I've asked you to stop painting these imaginary futures that we're gonna have together, but you refuted saying these conjured images of a heartwarming family is your life now, your hope, & I'm the ticket to your dream. It made me think really hard. Maybe I was wrong. I'm sorry if I trampled on your dreaming session a little, because it hurts me knowing I can't have this imagined life at all, or in the near future. I'll let you continue with this fantasy a little while more. Every little boy deserves his make-believe fantasies. For you, maybe I can hold off reality just a little while more, until you get yourself sorted out. (:

In the meantime, lets just treasure our remaining time together. Let tomorrow worry for itself.