Finally the nightmare of doing homework is over and I can enjoy some relief. But as soon as I stop to catch a breath, work ensues and another wave of urgency sweeps over me. Work will be 30/30 days for March and I believe I can do it. I don't need rest. I just need adequate sleep. For as long as my work needs, I will dedicate all my time to it. So honey please bear with me if I take a little longer to reply to your messages. I want to speed things up so when you come over we can share the fruit of my labour.

Maximum wage. Minimum effort. Let's go.
:D

& why am I not surprised that I still miss you even while you're awake? I want to eat barbecue pork out with you and Chris. I want to share my oyster noodles with you. I want to take walks through the redwood forest during sunrise and talk a walk by the beach during sunset. My favourite past time is to stopover in the middle of nowhere taking pictures of lazy cows and sheeps and horsies. & none of these can be done if you're not around. I only enjoy my activities as much as you're around. You make everything more meaningful.

Iloveyou.

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Tired

Time and again, I succumb to the human condition named "fatigue" however, more often than not, I experience fatigue not only physically, but more of it in the mind. I'm tired of studying. I don't know why I'm studying. From a very long time ago I have very different perspectives of studying and the grades I get. The academic environment I grew up in only honor A grades and nothing else. So I strive for only the best & even getting A- I cringe at the prospect of the possibility of getting the next best grade, B+.

I'm strained. By self and society's expectation of me. As much as I believe in my abilities, the only way to tell people about it is through a formal channel of quantification. To measure one's intelligence is to show such genius through the grades we obtain. It's the easiest form of quantification of the brain. Then again, how far does it benefit us? When the degree I get is only a stepping stone into the a world where only the fittest survive. Grades isn't enough. You need to be sly and tough. It is still possible to succeed through ethical means though. Then again, some people care more about reaching the peak than the climb.

For now, I just want to quickly finish my studies so I can focus on my career so it can bring me closer to you, my love. Yet I'm losing focus because the allure of being close to you is so much more appealing. Yet studies is the only impediment between us. No, I mustn't take it that way. Sigh.

I'm tired and tired of studying. I want to work and slog down to my bones so I have all the ability on the world to situate myself anywhere in the world. Including being just beside you.

I trust I can do it. For now, I just need more focus. Oppa. I love you. I can do this.

As for my momentary weakness for taking MC for just a day, I'm still considering. I wish I was stronger. But I'm not :( I'm sorry I'm not.



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Patience is key

Every morning I wake up a little heartbroken if I don't see your messages. Then I must console myself that you're trying to be considerate to me. I know you are afraid you'll wake me up. But I rather be woken up by a little text than to suffer the mini heartbreak.
Because if I don't see it, I can't get back to sleep.

What is in the past cannot be retrieved. As much as I want to return to our previous state, somewhat things have changed. It feels a little different. Our honeymoon period just didn't last. But I'll just take whatever is on the table. I just need your love to survive.

I'm glad you had fun today my boy. I'm glad you have friends surrounding you and making you happy. Even if it's the boring church, boxing matches and the yummy Korean barbecue, I'm glad your life is maxed out to your fullest. But when you told me you haven't had much meat since the day I'm gone, I'm heartbroken again. I wish I was there to make you eat better. I will make it up to you when you are here.

I've been sleeping the entire day & I wish I took sleeping pills to knock myself out. Periodically whenever I wake up, I feel an excruciating pain in my womb, as if there's a baby tearing me to pieces inside. It's so painful I wanna scream and shout my lungs out. But there's no one. I'm a big girl now, yet I still want to have someone who would just be there & tell me everything's gonna be fine. I can't wait for that day to come. Ideally you can come here and make all the money in the world, plus we don't have to pay rent because once my brother moves out, we have a permanent room. Then we save up and retire in New Zealand. Otherwise, I can always just move to you, and I'll see what I can do there. I can live anywhere. But I cannot live without you.

I'm missing you like crazy again. Please hold my hand and hug me to sleep. Because the tears won't stop flowing and I know you're all that I need.

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What does it mean to hold your hands

Read this somewhere today "happiness is to hold the right person's hand, such that even if you both go in the wrong direction, there's nothing to be afraid."

& I knew the moment I hold your hand, I'd never let go, even if life leads us onto tough roads... We'll have the strength to walk through quicksand and the bumpy roads.

Optimism is the way to go. Life can't always be that hard :)

We'll see the light at the end of the tunnel someday. At least, we have the ability to commute between two different continents to see each other.

That's the icing on the cake for us :)

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Sleep well

Oppa. Please sleep well. I am now doing my homework for Thursday. & I just realised how much I don't know. Thankfully tomorrow is Sunday. Heh. :D

Meanwhile, I'm already thinking about what I'm doing would benefit our future. I'm already thinking about the small little cosy area we can call home. You'll make the bed every morning & I prepare you breakfast for the day. Then I imagine you going to the balcony for a little smoke while I deliver you your orange juice with lots of pulp and coffee dripped by our new gourmet coffee machine, while I hug you from behind and you trying to blow your smoke away from my face. And then you try to shoo me away back into the house while saying "it's bad for you" endearingly. & I refuse to release my hands that are surrounding your beer belly. Then you have no choice but to hug me closer and we start our morning like that. Loving & fulfilling. Then I bring you into the house for a sumptuous breakfast I've woken up an hour earlier to prepare for you. And then you hold my left hand tight as if I would just run away any minute. But I won't. With my right I feed you a mouthful of bacon and some toast. You munch happily and nod your head in approval of a well prepared meal. & deep down from my heart I'm so touched by my efforts all being appreciated and i feel so contented making you happy and full. I've done my morning part of a wife's job. It's the kind of picture photographers would love to document and frame the photos of.

It is the guaranteed kind of warmth and love I can provide for you.

I love you Edward. More than words can say.

I'm not sure if I'll be awake when you are. I'm sorry if I'm not, but in advance, good morning to you love. Have a great day!

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Not settled

For two nights in a row I'm having nightmares. There's something ill boding about it. First I'm having an adventurous night, I cycled inside sch premises, down flights of stairs, escape from school authorities & was reported in newspapers missing a few days after. Today's nightmare, I went missing in a supermarket when I went grocery shopping with my bunch of friends but they found me after and we saw amusing things like a super big cup noodle for 9 people. Pretty cute but I still woke up in shock.

But I didn't exactly wake up to something good. I posted a really cute picture of you. But you asked me to take it down. I feel bad. Like really terrible. It's the kind of feeling where I'm so guilty I don't mind being sent to jail and do my due time. It's like I did something really wrong. I apologize. But there's nothing I could do to reverse it. But, just know that I'm sorry.

So today I finally woke up. It feels empty. Everyday it's gonna feel like that without you by my side. When I came back, I kept eating, as if to fill up the void within me. The moment I had to leave my emotions are pretty hollowed out. I don't quite know how you feel or deal with our separation. Maybe thinking that we'll meet very soon again is the ultimate trick. It's filled with positivity. But we still know tomorrow's gonna be another day without you.

I'm happy for you that you're dealing with life pretty good alone. I'm jealous. It makes me feel a little unwanted though. That you'll be able to survive well without me anyhow. But from the start I know you're this person, a really strong guy with a strong determination to live on no matter how hard life hits down on you.

You put me to shame. But I'm not afraid to admit I am not that strong. I'm just an ordinary girl who wants someone to love me. While I unknowingly spend my morning waking up in tears today, I'm genuinely glad you could still enjoy the recruit movie you're now playing on screen.

This morning, I don't know what to say to set things right again. I just wish you'd be less strong & be more concerned about me.


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Discomfort

I'm so in love with you I feel a lot of discomfort.

I wonder if you'll ever get tired of my professions of love for you. It's gonna be never ending, & all I can hope for is that you'll never get sick of it. Deep down I wish, & would like to know that you love me as much as I do. But I know love can never be measured and quantified, & somehow, I'm not sure if it'll ever be the same.

I certainly have a very dreamy perception of love. Perhaps my concept is moulded by too many Korean dramas and Disney princess stories. Maybe it's too idealistic. I cannot afford to fail in love. Because it would crush all my childhood dreams. In many ways I've grown up, yet in many ways I still possess a certain undefinable naivety. I know the truth must hurt, but I can't face reality.

Therefore if you ever love me lesser, don't tell me. I'd know. But I don't want to hear it.

You're the kind of dream guy I've always wanted. I can't quite pinpoint what is it about you I'm so attracted to because it's everything. You have this winning smile, charm and personality. A smile so bright and sunny it's so warm it melts my heart. My heart would wander and think about you all the time, my mind would fixate on you and won't stop thinking, my body can't leave you & my eyes can't stop the flickering images of what I last remember. I still feel your touch on my skin. Your lingering presence. Your tight hugs. Your calming and gentle voice.

I don't know how not to love a person like you. Yet when I try to give my best, I always feel like it's never enough. I feel too inferior, too inadequate to the extent I feel so small and insignificant, I feel discomfort. Yet on top of it all, I want to brave all these feelings and just hug you and be everything to you.

Maybe this is the magic of love. I'm so in love with you.

& I'm thankful. You were too cute when you teased my friends. I appreciate the effort. You're like the best. <3

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Insecurities

Insecurities stems from within. It is an elusive force that can serve to stray you away from the people you love, or when taken positively, it can be a motivation to make one try to fortify bonds between people. I'm specifically referring to lovers. I went Auckland with trepidation. I'm all by myself in a foreign land. I'm scared. To a far extent I'm brave but still a daddy's girl. But I brought along my personality and friendliness and embraced the other side of the world with open arms. I met nice people majority of the times. I'm glad the plane flights were pleasant and there was nothing to stop my love for planes and journeys and the like. I came from thousand of miles away, not understanding fully what our big little separation was for since last 27th September 2013, I decided it was do or die.

& I was glad I plucked all the courage I had to come to you. Despite concerned voices worrying whether I'd get myself hurt again, I know I didn't make the wrong decision, because so far, you were my best, and I mean best, choice I've ever made.

I remember I weeping until I fell asleep, I remember my heart hurt so much I couldn't breathe. I remember locking myself indoors because my pride was so beaten I felt so insecure the world seemed too dangerous to go out, I remember feeling so inferior for being abandoned I couldn't face people because I thought the whole world hated me. But somehow, the warmth, happiness, just spending simple times with you will override all the pain. & I know you're worth everything I can ever give.

I spent the best summer with you in 2014. & I look forward to more adventures, with you. Maybe next time we don't have to splurge. We can just spend within our means. Road trips with you are fun. We stop by the roadside, look at some cows, scaring them with my purse looking like the colour of their skin, breezing through the wind while you smoke a cigarette, taking slow, romantic walks along the roads are enough for me. Love doesn't have to be too complicated. I can skip the expensive meals and have just spam and rice with you. I can do without a Louis Vuitton bag, but I cannot do without you.

This time when I came back to Singapore, the insecurities started to seep in again. I'm not sure if I'll get abandoned again. I'm not sure if we'll separate again. But I guess it's just something I have to deal with myself. Please bear with me if I text you a little bit more. I know I just have to trust you no matter what. Sometimes these overwhelming female hormones get the better of me. Sometimes I feel like crying so badly after watching a touching scene on YouTube people posted on Facebook about marriage proposals. I didn't need to cry but I just do. Sometimes when I eat alone at home I would cry & I don't even know why. I'm quite sure it's the hormones at work. So oppa, please be patient with me for being a cry baby.

For the first time in my life, you're that someone and something I want to get but I couldn't immediately. Because we're geographically apart, we have to wait. But I know you're not just someone I want, you're someone I need. You make me feel like no one ever did before. It's an unexplainable feeling. Plus the dread of having to find another one like you is a pain. (Haha I'm kidding!)

You're so special to me. You have to know this.

So about the insecurities that came in the form of crying, nightmares, I guess in time to come they'll go away. & I'm excited about April. Please come quick. My heart is wilting since the day I left you. & only you can restore it to my glory days again.

With lots of love,
Pei Ru

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Did I do something wrong?

For so long that I forgot how I used to wake up in tears and wet pillows, here I am doing it again.

It's been so long since I left you. Every country I stopped the first thing I did was to get wifi to tell you my whereabouts, so you won't feel worried. Yet you wouldn't do the same for me. I hate technology for the possible letdowns. Perhaps you are too busy. Perhaps there's something very wrong with your phone. But when Facebook & whatsapp failed to work, I don't know how else I can reach you. Am I losing you again?

Did I do something wrong?

Please don't be too busy for me. Even if it's just "Peiru, I'm sorry I've been busy. I'm glad you're back home safe and sound, I'll text you later"

In the past, you used to worry like crazy. Maybe you did love me lesser now. I can sense I'm less sexy and desirable to you. For a man who doesn't really need a woman in his life, what can I do to rekindle the spark of love we once had?

I watched a movie in the plane. This very movie was adopted from a novel I studied in school for my literature. It's a very deep book. But in essence, it's about this man. He was born poor but had visions to make it really big in life. He fell in love with this girl and since then in his every plans the girl was part of his visions. He left the girl, because he thought that he could only succeed by being on his own, but when he finally did become super rich and wealthy, he realised the girl remarried to another a rich man. He threw glamorous parties with the hope that it would attract the attention of the girl he loves, but the girl never came. But through a friend, he managed to get the girl to come together again. The girl loved him, their feelings rekindled and they made love and spent so much time together, secretly. He forced the girl to tell her husband to break it off and say to her husband that she never loved him. The truth is, the girl did fall in love again with her husband when it happened. While the poor old lover still lived in the past, trying to chase his dreams & in the midst of sacrificing his love for the girl so that he could concentrate on his career, he didn't realise he actually lost it all the day he decided to let her go.

Oppa, it's a sad story. Life is unpredictable. We can love each other so much & yet while I can promise to love you forever, I wonder if you would ever have a change of heart. I don't want us to become another tragic story. I just hope while you have me, cherish me more while you can. I'm sorry I kept sleeping in the journeys but I can't beat the fatigue. I wished I spent more time with you and did more things with you. I hate myself for being so weak & I can't stand myself for wasting so much time sleeping while I was with you. While these faults I cannot undo, I can only try to be better to you. Make it up to you the next time I see you.

Please don't go missing on me. Please don't think of me as a burden. I really don't need much. I only need to be remembered and for you to say hello. That's all I'm really asking for. So why.

Are you okay?

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My first New Zealand trip

I just came home & got myself packed. I'm overwhelmed by a range of emotions I don't even know where to begin with. Coming home to an empty room felt emptier than ever. I know why. Because you're not here. Gone are the days waking up to see you first thing in the morning. Although this love drought won't last for long, I wonder when I can see you again. I still feel like I'm floating in the air due to the long flight, & it helps to not feel like I'm back to reality. The past 5, 6 days feels too much like a dream & I'm still too touched that you'll ever come back to me. It makes those months that I cried and waited for you all worthwhile. And as I am typing this now, I miss you so much that my tears won't stop. This emptiness from not being able to see and hug you hurts me, yet I must remember that although I'm alone, I'm not lonely. Oppa, you make me feel so weak. But I must know this weakness is good for us, it is what makes us feel and makes us human. It is the signal that our love is still strong & love is the only fuel in the world that can be eternal, only if we want to.

I'm thankful that you came back. I'm thankful that you wanted to make it up to me. I'm thankful I got to see you again. I'm thankful for the beautiful sceneries & excellent stays. I'm thankful to your mom & god that you're made so perfect. So perfect for me. I still feel you're the best fit for me & there's nothing in this world I want more. To you I can be softer & warmer, I don't have to pretend like a hard hearted person like I always have to at work. In front of you I can be myself, I can be real. I can break down & cry & I can laugh hysterically like a mad woman drowned in love. I love all the friends you made & all the people that treated you like family & I feel like I'm part of them too.

I know you'll make something for yourself in future. I believe strongly in you. But even if you don't, it won't mean I'll love you any lesser. Even if we live on minimum wage & have to fight harder in life I wouldn't mind, because living life together with you is what makes my life meaningful. For so many years of my life I've been floating without realizing it. I've chased the materialistic side of myself but now I have everything, in fact, so much that I have nothing else to wish for but you... & I've learnt that there are things in the world that money can't buy.

I love New Zealand honey. I love that it has cows and sheeps all over the plains and hills. It's got landscapes so beautiful my very urbanised Singapore don't have. It's very laid back & it's very enjoyable. I know that you love this lifestyle. However there are certainly pros and cons in living in the different cities. But the biggest difference I've come to realise is not about how good these two countries are, but whether you are there or not.

Friends are people I can make anywhere, though good friends are hard to come by. Then again, I believe the good friends I've already made will always be there for me. But lovers, once the chance is missed, once given up, once let go, you'll never ever find the same one again. & for this sole reason, no matter what you think of us, even if you would give us up again, I would never ever be the one to let you go.

It's 1.30 now & you must be asleep. I hope my phone serves you well & doesn't run out of battery so fast. Please leave me a message once you've woken up because I'm feeling so empty since Melbourne. I thought I'd be able to catch you for a minute but maybe your phone ran out of battery.

I'm going to sleep now & I'll blog again tomorrow perhaps. From thousands of miles away again, I wish you'd have a super good sleep & tomorrow I'm going to work early in the morning to fight for our brighter future again.

I love you. I hope this time, it's enough for you.
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Sorry oppa! I've been so so busy ..

As soon as I got home, I have to sleep soon to prepare for another round of working again :( life is tough.

But it's okay. It's worth all the sacrifice so I can be free from worries when I get to you :)

My stomach is getting squiggles from the thought of seeing you. Can't wait. I can't believe it's just Tuesday. I'm scared though. I've never been on a plane alone. Oppa, I'm scared :'( I feel like crying already. It's like going to first day of primary school all over again...

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The bad before the good

I had a IT scare of losing my essay of 900 carefully drafted words. It's easy to come up with something 900, but for the first time in 3 years I haven't been this serious in writing my essays. I was certain this was could score well. But at the very last minute, I wrecked things and lost my essay in a moment of carelessness. I opened it from an email and I couldn't find it anywhere on my desktop to submit. There goes my 6 hours of work.

Then the horror comes after when I had to redo the entire piece of work. I mean my standards are there just that the first draft was so much better. The language is polished, the points are well organized, there's a flow to my train of thoughts... Then wham! Bang! Poof! It all disappears into thin air.

I tried recovering for the next 1 hour after I completed the assignment AGAIN, I finally found it! But submission I only have one chance. So I emailed my lecturer in desperation. I was only trying my luck, but there's no way he would look at my original perfected piece.

Oh well, on a happier note, oppa, it's 7 more days and I'm gonna be in your arms.

Let's cross fingers and hope time goes faster, & slower when I get there.

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Countdown timer

It's so sweet that you're doing the countdown for us. I do have a countdown timer installed, but I refuse to look at it. The numbers don't seem to go down & I miss you too much. I can't wait to see you again. Half a year is too long a separation. It almost feels as if we're being punished for loving each other. But then again from another perspective, it helps to slow down our progress. We can't be behaving like husband and wives overnight. We worked the other way round. We felt the connection, and almost immediately we're living as if we're married to each other. The morning breakfasts, the waking up to each other, the breakfast, lunch & dinner, the vacation altogether. We are still dating & it has to be preserved a little longer. So when we look back, the memories could be more different from the day we get married. If we move on too fast, there's nothing to look forward to, I won't have the womanly jitters "is Edward gonna marry me?" Conversation with my girlfriends. I need the surprise if I ever get to say "Yes!" Heh. And not a "oh okay, finally, here it is" atmosphere.

I've come to terms that I might not lose 4 kgs by the time I go to you. It's already an achievement I didn't gain any weight for Chinese New Year after eating so much. I'll try harder, I need a flat tummy. Meanwhile, be good for me. I'm coming to you in 9 more days.


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Things I am scared of and afraid, I usually hate

& the title says it all, I am scared of a lot of things, and usually if I'm scared, I usually hate it. I have a list of them, so maybe you'll know... Just for fun, in case people asks about it, you can answer. HAHA.

#1: The sea. Yes, large bodies of water, covering vast lands and never knowing what's lurking underneath the sometimes black, sometimes deep blue, sometimes green sea water; be it Sharks, Jellyfishes, or even the creatures which never haboured any intention to harm, I'm still afraid. The seas are a frequent motifs and images of my nightmares, I get lost in them. I always get drowned not in water, but in the fear of it. So one thing I'll never do is scuba diving. I've done snorkling, that's a huge milestone for me. But I'm not proud of it. Conquering this kind of fear to a certain extent does not work to eradicate ill feelings about oceans and sea creatures at all. I'm scared, & I hate it. Full stop.

#2: Cats. Dead or alive, they're very mysterious animals. Frequently, black cats are the symbols of death and evil. The mere mention of it activates my goosebumps. They caper silently and hide in corners which always startle people in the most unexpected places.Their piercing eye contact forces you to either look away, or be prepared for a confrontation with a feline beast. I never knew they have retractable claws until I heard it from a friend. From head to toe, they spell trouble. The violent shrieking of mating and cat fights does not make things any better. What irks me most is perhaps their superficiality. I've heard stories where cats bite and claw their owners when they're grumpy. I've heard of them mauling innocent, good hearted people who just wanted to feed them. Perhaps I've gained a imbalanced insight and misunderstood them, as when compared to dogs, they're not in any way considered loyal animals. But I tried to like, but failed. There's just this inherent and perpetual discomfort with them. I've always believed in this world, there's the animal lover, the cat-only lover and the dog-only lover. I guess I belong to the last category. I tried, but I just can never learn to love cats. If only they are less creepy...

I'm going back to homework. I shall list the others when I think about it.

too stressful

When I chose this module, i didn't expect it to be difficult. I checked the past year papers, and I checked that there's a textbook given, I thought, it shouldn't be that hard. Little did I know that I was in for serious trouble...

This stupid module is about writing researching methods. I don't even have exposure in doing research at all, and the topic is too broad. Neither did our lecturer help to narrow the topics down. I did tons of research in the area, but they all seem too dispersed in the area of research. There was no centralised support, no educational resources given, and to be fair, I started a little late. But no matter how I read, there was no way I could have come up with something satisfactory. I'm a little strict with myself. So I decided to give up this module. It's too ridiculous to continue with it, there's no way I could have scored an A. & I don't participate in battles I have zero confidence in. Sigh.

I wished I could show you how undefined the question is. What irritates me most is not about how difficult about the subject, but how bad the question was being asked. If the question was bad, teachers can't expect students to craft good answers because the root of the problem can't even be defined. It's alright. I should just take another paper. I should be better off with it.

It just made my day very bad. But I'm lucky I still have you. I love how you don't protest, and just support my decisions. I know very well what I'm doing. I calculated my moves and I always know what I'm in for. I just have to slog a little more for the next half of the year, but meanwhile, I'm pretty good to go for this semester. My warped OCD inclination for achieving above average grades really always get to me, but I will definitely graduate by the end of this year.

I can't wait to go to you. Let's see how far life brings me thereafter. Just be patient, we will get there.

Please forgive me for not updating this space, but school, work & CNY is really creeping up to me :'(

I need some time. Let me tide over just today and tomorrow for a start. I promise next time I'm gonna start earlier on my homework.

Oppa. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ there are things we experienced these days only unique to us. We shall keep it to ourselves and only we would whisper and laugh and think about it in the future.

While I'm busy with busying away, please be patient. I'm coming for you.

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