When it's over, still, happy birthday

I remember how you used to run your finger through my hair. I remember how you held my hands so tight as if you were afraid I'll run away. I remember how safe I felt in your arms. I remember how you call me "you stupid" so endearingly I felt like I know how hopelessly I was in love with you, but yet I still did. I remember how we used to spend time together and nothing else used to matter. I remember how you took my hands in yours and led me to start dancing in the streets, as if we were alone in the world. I remember all the bitter sweet meeting and partings at the airport. I remember how we bought out favourite things and you fed me till we finished it. I remembered how you used to tell me "I love you" a hundred times a day. I remember how much you wanted me every single minute you're living. I remembered how you used to address me with endearing Korean terms "자기" or "애기". Then I remember the things I did for you, the late nights I had to brave through alone when you weren't there. I remembered how you didn't feel like trying for us, and how you eventually decided not to try. I remember wanting to talk to you about it, to understand how you feel only to be shoved off with your anger. I remember you were pissed at me. I remember you were angry at me. I remember how tired you were when you tried to explain how we're not going to work out when all I did was to convince you to come back. I remember how tired sick you were of our relationship. I remember the day you decided to give up, that cruel image of your back towards me, and the day you walked away. 

I remember how yesterday used to be better than today.

I remember us as a bitter-sweet heartbreak

I remember how I'm left with nothing but a huge heartache. 

I'm remembering so many things. &

Today, I remember it's your birthday. 

& in the darkest of nights,  only heaven can hear my choir of tears dribbling. I'm dying to pour my soul out. But there's no one out there I want to tell. But I don't want to suffer in silence. Yet I cannot let go of this dread. It's the last dash. Why don't I even have the chance to make good.

& today I mourn the A I'm never gonna get. Hope is bleak. And so the sun sets.

Winter at heart

It's been cold lately. & I wished you were here. You're the only one who've hugged me right. I know it's something that can't be replicated. Even your presence alone makes me feel warm enough inside. But since you left, I've been experiencing nothing short of winter inside my heart. It's pretty chilly and icy cold.

But I'll wear  on the sweater. I feel like you're hugging me. you may or may not come  back to me.  But for now, I'll just make do.

life without Edward

without you, i can still be happy. But its a hollow kind of happiness, as if something is missing from my heart. Without you in my life, i feel like one of those stars in the sky. They shine brightly still, but with every passing day, a little part of them dies away.

Without you in my life, a little bit of my heart dies away. Every single day.

what promise means to you & me

I could stay single for the rest of my life to show you what a promise really means. Or I could get a husband and show you that a promise is meant to be kept.

Either way, I'm more inclined to keep myself for you. Because, it seems more beautiful that way.

I'm still yours to keep. I hope you see how strong this love is going. & I don't see how anyone can throw away something so beautiful away. I'm not even looking back, because I know with you, I'll be happy. There'd be the unhappy moments. But I'm sure, as with all other relationships, nothing would be absolutely smooth sailing.

Everyday, I'd think of you. & I'd wonder if you're sneezing all the way. They say, it's a sign someone's missing you. I won't want you to catch a cold. But, I'd love to know you're somehow sneezing, or know that someone, on this face of this earth, is so in love with you like this.

please say yes to all

are you eating well? are you enjoying and not overworking yourself? are you happy? are you in good health? are your studies doing fine?

If the answers to all of the above is a yes, I'm happy for you. (:

I missed you Edward.

the other day

the other day, i wanted to tell you this.

You broke up with me, but i haven't broken up with you. ^^

hope everything's going fine for you my darling Eddie. I've been more than fine.

thought of you

I was reflecting why didnt we work out. Maybe I caused it all. I wasn't kind enough to you. & now I could only miss you from afar. I really really used to believe despite us being apart, we would work out. I still do. I want to make it work.

But today I had a nightmare. I dreamt that we met up again. But this time, it was worse. You asked me never ever to text you. To stop all forms of communications completely. My heart, I thought, was so broken it couldnt break anymore. but, it can. Then again, it reminded me of how much I love you.

My heart is all for yours to break. It heals, and then, I'd let you break it over and over again.

Just for you.

Here's a song for you oppa.

remnants of us

I flipped through our "folder". I saw receipts of our past dinner dates, things we bought in thailand, in new zealand, that awesome pokeno breakfast, those grocery shopping and everything we splurged on. The air ticket confirmations, the hobbiton land entry tickets, our hairs, our notes to each other when we met for the first few times, our polaroid pictures together, and as I screen through these things, frames of our past flashed through my head like a animated motion picture that brought me to the brink of tears.

I probably asked why am I still keeping all these? I know the answer.

Because these are all that's left of you, and what's left of us.

I've said it many times, and I'd say it again. One of the biggest failure of mine was not being able to keep your heart with me. I know I can take very good care of you. I worry everyday when you're not with me. I know you are independent. But I wished I still have that privilege.

you're so difficult to love. You reject all who love you. & yet, I haven't found it tiring.

I know you're worth it. 

How have you been doing? Chris has been bugging me for a restaurant auntie. & he randomly asked how's my work and all, and he even went as far to comment "must b eddie having trouble to wake due to not hearing e a na yo!!!" 

HA. I don't know how to reply to that. Neither would I tell him about what happened to us just yet. But I do have troubles waking up because I haven't heard "일어나요" for quite some time now. 

I missed you. 

I can move on. But I don't want to. Seeing this picture of us reminded me of the fact that I WAS the happiest girl on earth. I don't know what happened but... I really hope you are happier now.

& it doesnt mean I have to stop trying. Oppa. I'm still here.

love and romance

love and romance is what sustains me. I was thinking if I would ever again, experience something and so someone so romantic like you. I wonder what would happen if you didnt leave your number. If I never took my chances to text and call you. What would become of us? 

All that followed was the doing of fate and our decisions. Fate allowed us to meet, I decided to follow up from there. & therefore, to make it happen, I must keep trying. For maybe, just maybe, you'd come back to me. 

I do love you. Why can't your heart feel it. 

impulse

oppa. I still miss you each and everyday of my life. I have the impulse to call you, to text you, to find out how you're doing with your life. but all of these, I've come to be told, are too intrusive. If you're not coming to me, everything i do for you might just go unappreciated, and a burden to you. If only being nice to you were simpler. If only life were simpler. Imagine there werent seas separating nations, if only there weren't desires and hate and love. We would be all one body. I wouldnt have to suffer from the torment of love. You wouldn't have to suffer the torment to know how to reject me time and again.

I always knew how to fall in love. I never really knew how to fall out of it.

Come back to me. I'd be good to you.

Fresh start

I'm receiving a date almost everyday. So this is how it feels like beig single again. But I'm selective. I still prioritize my studies and work. I still have you in me.

I'm not quite sure when you're ever gonna go away.

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i miss you

it still hurts i think. but i sort of buried the feeling. i know its still there. i know it. you still have a place there. but i'm terribly numbed I don't know what am i feeling anymore. I wonder how much hurt do you have to cause before it reached this stage. 6 months of emotional torture. perhaps. or was it a year already? I don't know. I just know, I couldn't believe you could just choose to throw something so great away.

You know you can find another. it'll just never be the same.

& I know it too.

I could only ask, "oppa, how are you?" from afar. If only we didn't start it, we could still be friends.

& everyday, in the mornings when I wake up, I'd whisper to myself "Oppa, I really hope you're right about us. Please be happier."


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Close to you

Sometimes, even just seeing you online, I feel close to you. We don't have to say anything. It's just good enough you're at the other end of the line.

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The ones out there

I'm surprised by the range of my choices. Still, from now on I should practice caution. You left me broken. But there are interesting personalities out there. I'm reminded that I am still popular.

I could throw my net & look at my catches of the day with amusement. Then like a playful fishermen I let them go at dawn & dusk again.

Fun. But it's not love.


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The many questions

What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? So where is the love?

Everyday these questions surface in my head. If nothing went wrong, if I didn't do anything wrong. If I was the best you ever had... If the answers to the above were all positive, why are you still leaving?

I really don't know what I can do. I know there's nothing I can do to revive a lost love. But I still keep trying, because I really want us to go back to what we were. Maybe you forgot. Maybe you lost faith. Let me keep trying. Maybe, just maybe, one day... You'll come back to me.

Please, please be my last love.

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Just an everyday thought

Every day of my life, I would keep thinking about the things that made me inadequate for you.

& every day of my life, I'm sorry I'm not the one. I'm tired of proving. But there's an undying dedication I have towards you that is propelling me to keep trying. As I live longer, my soul wilts by the day, thinking about the things that made us fought, thinking about why didn't I make you feel happier, thinking why did I make you feel unloved at all in the past.

& I know you'd still leave.

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Hello oppa

Here :)

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The things you never knew -2

I still maintain a counter... To countdown to your arrival. I did this only upon your 2nd flight. Because that's when I really started to miss you. I regretted those times where I didn't cherish my time with you. When I decided to be angry instead of making us better.

I won't ask you back. But I still look forward to the day, when we're done with breaking up and patching again.... If we would still be good.

You're coming soon. I don't know what to feel now that we've broken up. Please. Let's things just go okay and smooth.



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The little things you don't know about

There are so many things you don't know about. When I'm at work doing my statistics to report to my boss. You pop in my head so frequently. I write hello to you beside my workings. While I practice my Korean penmanship too. I think of you every minute of my life. You just would never go away. I'll just hold onto us. I don't know for how long... Until I forget one day maybe.

I'm not sure if I ever will. If only we could last...

Now I'm recalling one of my favorite song. "Built to last" by MELE. Take some time to google it on YouTube. Listen to it while you feel my love still strong for you.

I've looked for love in stranger places
But never found someone like you
Someone whose smile
Makes me feel I've been holding back
And now there's nothing I can do

'Cause this is real and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
Most of all, most of all
It's built to last, it's built to last

All of our friends saw from the start
So why didn't we believe it too?
Oh yeah, now look where we are
You're in my heart now
And there's no escaping it for you

'Cause this is real and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
Most of all, most of all
It's built to last

Walking on the hills at night
With those fireworks and candlelight
You and I were made to get love right

'Cause this is real and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
Most of all, most of all
It's built to last

'Cause you are the sun in my universe
Consider the best when we felt the worst
And most of all, most of all, most of all
Most of all, most of all, most of all
It's built to last



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Fighting spirit

The more life tries to pull me down, the stronger I must be. So I'll just focus on work & studies. So please don't worry. I won't say I'm not affected by this loss. It's greater than all I've ever encountered. But... You'll just keep repeating this cycle. You have to stop wanting me and then running away again. I flow according to the currents you make. When you want me I go to you. When you don't want me you go away entirely. I shall help you with this never ending cycle this time.

We'll just spend our last few days together.

I won't go back.


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Without anchor

Without the presence of you in my heart, I'm a floating soul without anchor. It doesn't keep me grounded. Basically it just means I feel insecure. Try living without love for a day. I'm sure you know how it feels before. The abandonment. The misery of knowing no one would be there for you, even if it's just to have someone witness your achievements... Life would be so much better.

The other day you told me "Peiru I feel tired". I thought you just wanted to sleep. But you explained you were referring to life in general. My heart crumbled, along with you. I know you're tired of life. So if you're already accustomed to the life now, if I add burden to you, I will leave. I don't want to pile another problem on top of another problem of yours. I just hope you'll be able to see around things. That I'm not your burden. I can breathe a new life into you.

When you feel lonely, I'm sorry I'm not always with you. But just imagine, just think about how I would hold your hand until you get old.. Until we get old. I hope this image can get you through the toughest times in your life. Now that I can't have you, I just want you to remember, no matter how hard life is to you, you once had me to love you like that.

Everyday I wake up I get a little bit more used to the idea without you. It's funny how In the past I always dream about our future, our beautiful future, but they're ironically, gonna stay as dreams. I think I'm psychic. All those nightmares I had about us. Maybe it was propheting this breakup. It was warning me about it.

But everyday I still wake up in shock. I wake up at 6am, 7 am, having sleep only 4 hours a day. Only to come to the rude awakening that you'll never come back to me.

Leave. Leave happier and be free. I'll watch over you.

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Extent

No. You don't understand. Everytime you call me by my name I know something is wrong. Every time you call me by my name, I feel like my heart gets stabbed so badly like I'm being slaughtered. You don't know the pain because my love is cushioning you. & because love can be so strong like that... I won't stop loving you. I'll never expose you to the kind of pain I'm feeling.

You just don't have to suffer. As long as I live. I'll willingly put myself out there. You can hurt me. You can take me for granted. I don't care. Just be happy.

Ashika asked me how would I reply because her oppa asked her to go Seoul with him. & he asked her is there anything she wants to do together... I told her this is how I would reply ...

"You're the first thing I want to see when I wake up, and the last thing I want to see before I sleep. I want to cuddle in bed & yet find time passing so swiftly. I want to lie on your arms. And let you hug me to sleep the entire night, I'll move up to you, close enough so your heartbeat lulls me to sleep. I want to wake up finding you fumbling for cigarettes yet you wouldn't bear to push me away. And I want you to plant a kiss on my cheek so I know I'll feel loved for the day. I want to cook you breakfast and see you trying to hide my poor culinary skills with too much effort. Then we burst into laughter knowing you're only eating just because I cooked it. I want to look at you in the eye while you communicate your mutual feelings which caught us both off guard . & I want time to pause for that moment because I don't want to think about how we'll end like bad couples do. I just want to know at this point in time, you'll still continue to love me."


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Rain

It's like so dramatic. Right after the breakup it rained. My heart is already frozen and the cold weather doesn't help. I'm chilled inside out. I hug myself and I said 추워요, 추워요... You're too far to hear me shiver. Then you told me I have to take care of myself from now on and learn how to. I refuse to. I'm meant to be single & to meet you in this lifetime. Somehow I think I'm made for you. I could be the windbreaker on your clothes rack. When you're cold you can choose to put me on. But if you're not it's okay to leave me there. I'd be always there. Until time wears the material off. Until time wears my love for you away.

I love you this much. You know how much I'm referring to. You need to know. Because I can't stand to see your heart get cold. My heart aches for you. Don't be alone. Please be well too.

I'll love you to the end of time Edward. Always will.


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First love

This spot. :) do you remember?


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Just like that

I really just want us to end up like that.



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Rare you.

I would still give my all to you. Because it's you. But the other way out is to show you my temper & stop being nice to you. I cannot bear to do that to you. Over my dead body. It's responsibility. It's love. It's my fate. It's my obligation towards you.

Because you're so special. Because I know there's only one of you in the world. So I have to give you my best.

I feel stupid. I feel like my heart is getting ripped inside out. I feel like there's a dinosaur eating my flesh & intestines. I feel like you're walking away. I feel the distance. The pain & the loneliness.

& because of all these, I know my love for you runs deep.

& that I would still love you.

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Down

I'm happy you're doing well alone. Even without me. I'm sorry if I misunderstood. Maybe you needed care, maybe you needed love. I always gave all I have to you. But over at my end, I feel empty. I'm emptied out.

I don't feel loved.

Last night I went to dad. I told him I'm suffering. He told me there's nothing he can do. I told you I'm suffering. I asked you to bring me away. You said "what to do Peiru".

I know you prefer people who are resilient, and strong minded. I'm sorry. I tried to be optimistic about this but I really tried but I can't. But I'm not sorry I'm not as strong as you think I am. I'm human too. I have emotions. I'm entitled to cry sometimes. I'm entitled to demand for emotional support. I don't want it. But now I really need it. Is it really difficult to show more concern. Is there really no time you can spare? At times like this, when I'm so desperate for some concern, is your exams really still priority? Do I not deserve your equal attention?

I told you how I felt. Maybe if you bothered reading what I actually told you you'll know how I feel, if you bothered to. Because now my heart is breaking. When the world is against me, just as when my world is crumbling, you're not here for me. & while I'm sick & emotionally defeated, I still had to fight for attention among your drunkardness, exams, racecar, movies & dates. While you have 200% of me, it's sad to feel I still mean only 1/10 of your life, to you.

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Burden

If I don't have obligation locked down by piety, I would have moved out.

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:(

I'm having the worst day ever & I don't even know where to start with.

Never mind.

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Location:Collyer Quay,Singapore,Singapore

What I dislike

I don't like to be sick. But unfortunately, I am. & I don't like it because not only you can't be here, even if I told you, I don't get a follow-up concern in the following hours in the day. Neither do I get one the next morning. I'm not complaining. I know you're a cool guy like that. Because you don't need concern like that, I don't get it too. But sometimes, I don't have to get better to feel better. Sometimes, even if it's just a "Peiru, are you feeling better already now?" will make me feel better.

Really. That's all I needed to hear to not be a crybaby in the nights & not be the annoying girlfriend in the day trying the entire day to get your attention hundreds of miles away.

& in the nights, I could only flip through photos of you chucked in my Korean books & pretend you're here with me. Only that, you're not.


Xoxo. 잘자요!


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Experience

Because I lost you before, I know how painful it is. By right, people say that we grow stronger with experience, so if I've lost you before, I should be immune, I shouldn't feel pain even if you went away again. But no, it's not like that. Because I know how painful it is, it doesn't get any better. I just know I can't go through the same thing again. You're precious to me. There's only one of you out there, and I know it very well in my heart you're not rare, you're the only and only Kim kyoung tae.

I'm sick today & I'm feeling especially sensitive. I wish I had you by my side. But too bad we don't have the luxury of being able to see each other. Today I called you because I felt abandoned. Then talking to you always made my day better. I wanted to text but I don't have the strength to. I was almost lifeless, until I heard your voice. It makes me want to gather all my energy to make the best of our conversations. I love hearing you speak. It's melody to me. I could listen to you all day. Then when I suggested you go get your things done, you said, "no. How bout we do this for five more minutes?" You make me feel wanted. I can't say no to that. :) then again, at night when you checked back on whatsapp, you have me ample "overdue hugs" that's like bloody sweet. I could be diabetic. You're too sweet. :))

& I love you oppa. I love you.


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Anything & everything

I have a wounded thumb & my muscles are aching all over. Then I cringe in pain and over the sleepless nights these ailments are giving me. Then I think about the why(s).

The other day I went to the supermarket. I was gonna make kimchi. So when you come over we can have kimchi stew! Heh. I bought 4 kg of cabbage. Kimchi has to use distilled water, and can't use the tap water or mineral water as the minerals will slow down the fermenting process... I bought another 3000ml of water. I got some other condiments, in the end I was carrying about 8 kg of stuffs from the supermarket to my house. My arms were breaking, then I realised. I'm too weak. I need to carry this kind of weight if I were to go grocery shopping. As a woman I must be stronger. Then I realised, all the strength training must be endured now. So the aching muscles from gymming are worth it. So I can be the perfect housewife. I don't need a ride from my husband. He can have fun while I prepare a sumptuous dinner every night to welcome him home. He only have to worry about finishing the food and about getting fat. This is the kind of wife I have to be. :)

Then I was cutting carrots. Then I accidentally sliced my flesh too. Thankfully it wasn't that painful. But I was dizzy and had a headache. Must be from the loss of blood. I didn't know what to do. I could see I cut myself quite deep but it wasn't that painful. I ran to my uncle who was 10 mins away and he helped me wash and bandage the wound. & very quickly I'm okay. I felt like crying like a little girl would but I told myself I'm a big girl now. These are my battle scars made in the kitchen. I go to war for your happiness and your well being. Therefore, every single time, I only wish you'll eat well and better.

Then I know, when you're the reason for anything I endure, you're The One. And for you, I'm back on my Korean again. :) I'm sorry I kept delaying. But when you told me that you mentioned me to your grandma, I couldn't feel happier. I wished I could call her up and chat for a little while. I love grandmas. They're the loveliest and kindest people. I'm on it hun...

For you, I'd do anything :)

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Morning hun! :D I'm sorry I've been busy. But I'm only doing this so when you're here I hope I have all the time in the world for you. :)

Yesterday I went to marina square, and I would never fail to visit the place where we first met :) I remember how I first heard your voice, and how you gave me your contact details. HAHA. Even till now it's funny. But I'm glad I met you with your balls the size of the earth. Haha. Otherwise, we may just cross paths and never become lovers.

I still love you, more than ever now, you're my last love.

Oh, and you showed me your project proposal today :) it was written so well. I'm proud of you, that even though English isn't your first language, you could write so well :) I hope your project goes all smooth love!

I'm not sure if I pulled a muscle, but since I went for gym today, my hip has been aching. Damn. I feel like an old lady. Even as I lay on the bed,my hip ached like crazy. Sigh. I miss you hun. You make all the pain go away. Please come to me soon...

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It feels like forever

I unconsciously thought about when you're coming. It feels like forever. Its 1 more month. & I can stand it already. I need you in my life. I really need you. You make everything happier. You make me happier. Even if I'm having the worst day at work. I just had to ring you up, hear your voice, and everything is set right again. If I'm dying at work, I hear your voice, or I just have to feel your presence, I find the energy to go on again. Even when I feel lonely, I text you. You don't have to say anything. But I just see your 'online' status.... It feels like you're just with me, & I feel safe. You are magic. Everything turns better with you around.

You, must be god sent. & I can't wait. Please be here soon. I need you.

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Idleness

I feel lonely & fat tonight. Today I finally got myself some rest. But the unexpected rest I'm giving myself seems to be very wrong. I eat, sleep, watch show. & I'm still awake at this godforsaken hour. 2.45am. What am I gonna do. I'm supposed to be up at 11am tmr. I feel like eating but I'm not hungry. Damn. I ate and slept immediately. I feel so fat. & I feel so lonely.

& so I talked to koko. I keep calling his name. "Koko, koko" he doesn't respond. So I gave him a hug. I miss you honey. I miss you so much. If only you were here. I can get a good night's kiss, your sweetest voice & a really tight, loving hug. This is the perfect concoction to put me to sleep.

Oppa. I need you tonight. I hope you wake up soon.

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Movies

I seldom watch movies. I think it's a waste of time and money if the only purpose is to fill time that we are eager to spend.

I'm very practical. I think it serves very little purpose. If couples go to the movies, it's worse. We sit side by side, not talking to each other when we should have been. 2 hours or so gets lost in transition. And it's not like it's gonna be a permanent talk of the town. I'm sorry I'm not appreciative of the simpler pleasures in life. But to me, entertainment comes in a different form. I get entertainment and satisfaction from my work that I absolutely love doing. Then again. These are separate matters. I need to learn how to re categorise work & enjoyment.

Nevertheless, today I went for a movie with my friends. "Need for speed", they suggested. It was a race car show :) I immediately thought of you. I was like "YAY. Race cars. Oppa would love it so much :). Okay! Let's watch it"

I feel as if I'm watching it with my eyes for you.

I was so excited when the cars all raced each other. It's a adrenaline shot one after another. There the babies go. Vroom. Vroom. Louder vroom. Even after the show, I've got the urge to race a car. But I drove my friend's Toyota Altis. The accelerator seems like it doesn't work. The speed rises so slowly. I revved the car. My feet went all the way down, up a little, and down again. Vroom vroom. But I guess it's just not meant to go fast. :/ despite that, I brought everyone safely home with my excellent driving skills and the racer alive in me. I went a little faster, I did all the corners with sharper turns. I made all my friends in the backseat pile against each other. Oh. It was so so fun. & I'm sure they enjoyed it too. Heh.

And trust me. I'm terribly safe. :)

They had all the super cars. Ferrari, mustang reconstructed with some awesome engine, Bugatti veyron,
Saleen, mclaren p1, GTA Spano, Lamborghini Sesto Elemento & the OMG! Agera supercar.

Really OMG. Honey. :) vrrroooommmm!


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My late nights

I worked till 11pm today. It's all gonna be worthwhile, that when I look back at all I've done, for myself & for us... I know I won't regret it. You're my future. & I'll work harder even. For you & for us. Good night my love. I hope everything runs smoothly for you tomorrow and for the days to come! I'd have whatsapp breakfast for you this morning :D


Enjoy!

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Crazy

I'm living in a house with a crazy woman. Like a really crazy woman.

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Hold on

I'm feeling sick. My last meal was at 12.30. Poof! And 10 hours just went past like that. And I haven't ate or drank much since. I'm in a cab now, battling the motion sickness and a growling stomach protesting for food. But I have no capacity for hunger nor the health to fight the nausea. I'm in a state of hunger but I'm not hungry for food. I'm utterly worn down to the core but I'm wide awake due to the caffeine overdose I prescribed myself.

The only reward at the end of the day, perhaps, own the slim and svelte body in magazines, and commercials that I never had.

I want more. Maybe in terms of monetary reward. But I won't ask for it. Being passive seems like the most ideal way to go. In time to come, I shall wait. Greed can forget about consuming me. If I can fight greed, I can fight this. Believing in the things I can learn would worth more than the things I ask for. :)

Kindness begets kindness. Effort begets greatness.

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Angry

Today, it's a really bad day. After entertaining the most stupid questions people can actually ask, I come home to a super angry bitch who does the most ridiculous things to show her anger. I have to be the only civilized person and take all the nonsense in. And I believe these negative people will get their due karma.

Even so, it doesn't stop me from being upset. I try to forget about it but everything agitates me so much.

I wish justice can be served soon. My blood is boiling at 200 degrees and I realise a fever might be coming to me. I can't believe I'm so weak like that. Then again, I believe if I just be a good person, I'll be served my reward in time.

I'll just wait. But sigh. I'm getting sick.


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Word

Just marry me already. :')



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Finally the nightmare of doing homework is over and I can enjoy some relief. But as soon as I stop to catch a breath, work ensues and another wave of urgency sweeps over me. Work will be 30/30 days for March and I believe I can do it. I don't need rest. I just need adequate sleep. For as long as my work needs, I will dedicate all my time to it. So honey please bear with me if I take a little longer to reply to your messages. I want to speed things up so when you come over we can share the fruit of my labour.

Maximum wage. Minimum effort. Let's go.
:D

& why am I not surprised that I still miss you even while you're awake? I want to eat barbecue pork out with you and Chris. I want to share my oyster noodles with you. I want to take walks through the redwood forest during sunrise and talk a walk by the beach during sunset. My favourite past time is to stopover in the middle of nowhere taking pictures of lazy cows and sheeps and horsies. & none of these can be done if you're not around. I only enjoy my activities as much as you're around. You make everything more meaningful.

Iloveyou.

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Tired

Time and again, I succumb to the human condition named "fatigue" however, more often than not, I experience fatigue not only physically, but more of it in the mind. I'm tired of studying. I don't know why I'm studying. From a very long time ago I have very different perspectives of studying and the grades I get. The academic environment I grew up in only honor A grades and nothing else. So I strive for only the best & even getting A- I cringe at the prospect of the possibility of getting the next best grade, B+.

I'm strained. By self and society's expectation of me. As much as I believe in my abilities, the only way to tell people about it is through a formal channel of quantification. To measure one's intelligence is to show such genius through the grades we obtain. It's the easiest form of quantification of the brain. Then again, how far does it benefit us? When the degree I get is only a stepping stone into the a world where only the fittest survive. Grades isn't enough. You need to be sly and tough. It is still possible to succeed through ethical means though. Then again, some people care more about reaching the peak than the climb.

For now, I just want to quickly finish my studies so I can focus on my career so it can bring me closer to you, my love. Yet I'm losing focus because the allure of being close to you is so much more appealing. Yet studies is the only impediment between us. No, I mustn't take it that way. Sigh.

I'm tired and tired of studying. I want to work and slog down to my bones so I have all the ability on the world to situate myself anywhere in the world. Including being just beside you.

I trust I can do it. For now, I just need more focus. Oppa. I love you. I can do this.

As for my momentary weakness for taking MC for just a day, I'm still considering. I wish I was stronger. But I'm not :( I'm sorry I'm not.



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Patience is key

Every morning I wake up a little heartbroken if I don't see your messages. Then I must console myself that you're trying to be considerate to me. I know you are afraid you'll wake me up. But I rather be woken up by a little text than to suffer the mini heartbreak.
Because if I don't see it, I can't get back to sleep.

What is in the past cannot be retrieved. As much as I want to return to our previous state, somewhat things have changed. It feels a little different. Our honeymoon period just didn't last. But I'll just take whatever is on the table. I just need your love to survive.

I'm glad you had fun today my boy. I'm glad you have friends surrounding you and making you happy. Even if it's the boring church, boxing matches and the yummy Korean barbecue, I'm glad your life is maxed out to your fullest. But when you told me you haven't had much meat since the day I'm gone, I'm heartbroken again. I wish I was there to make you eat better. I will make it up to you when you are here.

I've been sleeping the entire day & I wish I took sleeping pills to knock myself out. Periodically whenever I wake up, I feel an excruciating pain in my womb, as if there's a baby tearing me to pieces inside. It's so painful I wanna scream and shout my lungs out. But there's no one. I'm a big girl now, yet I still want to have someone who would just be there & tell me everything's gonna be fine. I can't wait for that day to come. Ideally you can come here and make all the money in the world, plus we don't have to pay rent because once my brother moves out, we have a permanent room. Then we save up and retire in New Zealand. Otherwise, I can always just move to you, and I'll see what I can do there. I can live anywhere. But I cannot live without you.

I'm missing you like crazy again. Please hold my hand and hug me to sleep. Because the tears won't stop flowing and I know you're all that I need.

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What does it mean to hold your hands

Read this somewhere today "happiness is to hold the right person's hand, such that even if you both go in the wrong direction, there's nothing to be afraid."

& I knew the moment I hold your hand, I'd never let go, even if life leads us onto tough roads... We'll have the strength to walk through quicksand and the bumpy roads.

Optimism is the way to go. Life can't always be that hard :)

We'll see the light at the end of the tunnel someday. At least, we have the ability to commute between two different continents to see each other.

That's the icing on the cake for us :)

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Sleep well

Oppa. Please sleep well. I am now doing my homework for Thursday. & I just realised how much I don't know. Thankfully tomorrow is Sunday. Heh. :D

Meanwhile, I'm already thinking about what I'm doing would benefit our future. I'm already thinking about the small little cosy area we can call home. You'll make the bed every morning & I prepare you breakfast for the day. Then I imagine you going to the balcony for a little smoke while I deliver you your orange juice with lots of pulp and coffee dripped by our new gourmet coffee machine, while I hug you from behind and you trying to blow your smoke away from my face. And then you try to shoo me away back into the house while saying "it's bad for you" endearingly. & I refuse to release my hands that are surrounding your beer belly. Then you have no choice but to hug me closer and we start our morning like that. Loving & fulfilling. Then I bring you into the house for a sumptuous breakfast I've woken up an hour earlier to prepare for you. And then you hold my left hand tight as if I would just run away any minute. But I won't. With my right I feed you a mouthful of bacon and some toast. You munch happily and nod your head in approval of a well prepared meal. & deep down from my heart I'm so touched by my efforts all being appreciated and i feel so contented making you happy and full. I've done my morning part of a wife's job. It's the kind of picture photographers would love to document and frame the photos of.

It is the guaranteed kind of warmth and love I can provide for you.

I love you Edward. More than words can say.

I'm not sure if I'll be awake when you are. I'm sorry if I'm not, but in advance, good morning to you love. Have a great day!

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Not settled

For two nights in a row I'm having nightmares. There's something ill boding about it. First I'm having an adventurous night, I cycled inside sch premises, down flights of stairs, escape from school authorities & was reported in newspapers missing a few days after. Today's nightmare, I went missing in a supermarket when I went grocery shopping with my bunch of friends but they found me after and we saw amusing things like a super big cup noodle for 9 people. Pretty cute but I still woke up in shock.

But I didn't exactly wake up to something good. I posted a really cute picture of you. But you asked me to take it down. I feel bad. Like really terrible. It's the kind of feeling where I'm so guilty I don't mind being sent to jail and do my due time. It's like I did something really wrong. I apologize. But there's nothing I could do to reverse it. But, just know that I'm sorry.

So today I finally woke up. It feels empty. Everyday it's gonna feel like that without you by my side. When I came back, I kept eating, as if to fill up the void within me. The moment I had to leave my emotions are pretty hollowed out. I don't quite know how you feel or deal with our separation. Maybe thinking that we'll meet very soon again is the ultimate trick. It's filled with positivity. But we still know tomorrow's gonna be another day without you.

I'm happy for you that you're dealing with life pretty good alone. I'm jealous. It makes me feel a little unwanted though. That you'll be able to survive well without me anyhow. But from the start I know you're this person, a really strong guy with a strong determination to live on no matter how hard life hits down on you.

You put me to shame. But I'm not afraid to admit I am not that strong. I'm just an ordinary girl who wants someone to love me. While I unknowingly spend my morning waking up in tears today, I'm genuinely glad you could still enjoy the recruit movie you're now playing on screen.

This morning, I don't know what to say to set things right again. I just wish you'd be less strong & be more concerned about me.


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Discomfort

I'm so in love with you I feel a lot of discomfort.

I wonder if you'll ever get tired of my professions of love for you. It's gonna be never ending, & all I can hope for is that you'll never get sick of it. Deep down I wish, & would like to know that you love me as much as I do. But I know love can never be measured and quantified, & somehow, I'm not sure if it'll ever be the same.

I certainly have a very dreamy perception of love. Perhaps my concept is moulded by too many Korean dramas and Disney princess stories. Maybe it's too idealistic. I cannot afford to fail in love. Because it would crush all my childhood dreams. In many ways I've grown up, yet in many ways I still possess a certain undefinable naivety. I know the truth must hurt, but I can't face reality.

Therefore if you ever love me lesser, don't tell me. I'd know. But I don't want to hear it.

You're the kind of dream guy I've always wanted. I can't quite pinpoint what is it about you I'm so attracted to because it's everything. You have this winning smile, charm and personality. A smile so bright and sunny it's so warm it melts my heart. My heart would wander and think about you all the time, my mind would fixate on you and won't stop thinking, my body can't leave you & my eyes can't stop the flickering images of what I last remember. I still feel your touch on my skin. Your lingering presence. Your tight hugs. Your calming and gentle voice.

I don't know how not to love a person like you. Yet when I try to give my best, I always feel like it's never enough. I feel too inferior, too inadequate to the extent I feel so small and insignificant, I feel discomfort. Yet on top of it all, I want to brave all these feelings and just hug you and be everything to you.

Maybe this is the magic of love. I'm so in love with you.

& I'm thankful. You were too cute when you teased my friends. I appreciate the effort. You're like the best. <3

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Insecurities

Insecurities stems from within. It is an elusive force that can serve to stray you away from the people you love, or when taken positively, it can be a motivation to make one try to fortify bonds between people. I'm specifically referring to lovers. I went Auckland with trepidation. I'm all by myself in a foreign land. I'm scared. To a far extent I'm brave but still a daddy's girl. But I brought along my personality and friendliness and embraced the other side of the world with open arms. I met nice people majority of the times. I'm glad the plane flights were pleasant and there was nothing to stop my love for planes and journeys and the like. I came from thousand of miles away, not understanding fully what our big little separation was for since last 27th September 2013, I decided it was do or die.

& I was glad I plucked all the courage I had to come to you. Despite concerned voices worrying whether I'd get myself hurt again, I know I didn't make the wrong decision, because so far, you were my best, and I mean best, choice I've ever made.

I remember I weeping until I fell asleep, I remember my heart hurt so much I couldn't breathe. I remember locking myself indoors because my pride was so beaten I felt so insecure the world seemed too dangerous to go out, I remember feeling so inferior for being abandoned I couldn't face people because I thought the whole world hated me. But somehow, the warmth, happiness, just spending simple times with you will override all the pain. & I know you're worth everything I can ever give.

I spent the best summer with you in 2014. & I look forward to more adventures, with you. Maybe next time we don't have to splurge. We can just spend within our means. Road trips with you are fun. We stop by the roadside, look at some cows, scaring them with my purse looking like the colour of their skin, breezing through the wind while you smoke a cigarette, taking slow, romantic walks along the roads are enough for me. Love doesn't have to be too complicated. I can skip the expensive meals and have just spam and rice with you. I can do without a Louis Vuitton bag, but I cannot do without you.

This time when I came back to Singapore, the insecurities started to seep in again. I'm not sure if I'll get abandoned again. I'm not sure if we'll separate again. But I guess it's just something I have to deal with myself. Please bear with me if I text you a little bit more. I know I just have to trust you no matter what. Sometimes these overwhelming female hormones get the better of me. Sometimes I feel like crying so badly after watching a touching scene on YouTube people posted on Facebook about marriage proposals. I didn't need to cry but I just do. Sometimes when I eat alone at home I would cry & I don't even know why. I'm quite sure it's the hormones at work. So oppa, please be patient with me for being a cry baby.

For the first time in my life, you're that someone and something I want to get but I couldn't immediately. Because we're geographically apart, we have to wait. But I know you're not just someone I want, you're someone I need. You make me feel like no one ever did before. It's an unexplainable feeling. Plus the dread of having to find another one like you is a pain. (Haha I'm kidding!)

You're so special to me. You have to know this.

So about the insecurities that came in the form of crying, nightmares, I guess in time to come they'll go away. & I'm excited about April. Please come quick. My heart is wilting since the day I left you. & only you can restore it to my glory days again.

With lots of love,
Pei Ru

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Did I do something wrong?

For so long that I forgot how I used to wake up in tears and wet pillows, here I am doing it again.

It's been so long since I left you. Every country I stopped the first thing I did was to get wifi to tell you my whereabouts, so you won't feel worried. Yet you wouldn't do the same for me. I hate technology for the possible letdowns. Perhaps you are too busy. Perhaps there's something very wrong with your phone. But when Facebook & whatsapp failed to work, I don't know how else I can reach you. Am I losing you again?

Did I do something wrong?

Please don't be too busy for me. Even if it's just "Peiru, I'm sorry I've been busy. I'm glad you're back home safe and sound, I'll text you later"

In the past, you used to worry like crazy. Maybe you did love me lesser now. I can sense I'm less sexy and desirable to you. For a man who doesn't really need a woman in his life, what can I do to rekindle the spark of love we once had?

I watched a movie in the plane. This very movie was adopted from a novel I studied in school for my literature. It's a very deep book. But in essence, it's about this man. He was born poor but had visions to make it really big in life. He fell in love with this girl and since then in his every plans the girl was part of his visions. He left the girl, because he thought that he could only succeed by being on his own, but when he finally did become super rich and wealthy, he realised the girl remarried to another a rich man. He threw glamorous parties with the hope that it would attract the attention of the girl he loves, but the girl never came. But through a friend, he managed to get the girl to come together again. The girl loved him, their feelings rekindled and they made love and spent so much time together, secretly. He forced the girl to tell her husband to break it off and say to her husband that she never loved him. The truth is, the girl did fall in love again with her husband when it happened. While the poor old lover still lived in the past, trying to chase his dreams & in the midst of sacrificing his love for the girl so that he could concentrate on his career, he didn't realise he actually lost it all the day he decided to let her go.

Oppa, it's a sad story. Life is unpredictable. We can love each other so much & yet while I can promise to love you forever, I wonder if you would ever have a change of heart. I don't want us to become another tragic story. I just hope while you have me, cherish me more while you can. I'm sorry I kept sleeping in the journeys but I can't beat the fatigue. I wished I spent more time with you and did more things with you. I hate myself for being so weak & I can't stand myself for wasting so much time sleeping while I was with you. While these faults I cannot undo, I can only try to be better to you. Make it up to you the next time I see you.

Please don't go missing on me. Please don't think of me as a burden. I really don't need much. I only need to be remembered and for you to say hello. That's all I'm really asking for. So why.

Are you okay?

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My first New Zealand trip

I just came home & got myself packed. I'm overwhelmed by a range of emotions I don't even know where to begin with. Coming home to an empty room felt emptier than ever. I know why. Because you're not here. Gone are the days waking up to see you first thing in the morning. Although this love drought won't last for long, I wonder when I can see you again. I still feel like I'm floating in the air due to the long flight, & it helps to not feel like I'm back to reality. The past 5, 6 days feels too much like a dream & I'm still too touched that you'll ever come back to me. It makes those months that I cried and waited for you all worthwhile. And as I am typing this now, I miss you so much that my tears won't stop. This emptiness from not being able to see and hug you hurts me, yet I must remember that although I'm alone, I'm not lonely. Oppa, you make me feel so weak. But I must know this weakness is good for us, it is what makes us feel and makes us human. It is the signal that our love is still strong & love is the only fuel in the world that can be eternal, only if we want to.

I'm thankful that you came back. I'm thankful that you wanted to make it up to me. I'm thankful I got to see you again. I'm thankful for the beautiful sceneries & excellent stays. I'm thankful to your mom & god that you're made so perfect. So perfect for me. I still feel you're the best fit for me & there's nothing in this world I want more. To you I can be softer & warmer, I don't have to pretend like a hard hearted person like I always have to at work. In front of you I can be myself, I can be real. I can break down & cry & I can laugh hysterically like a mad woman drowned in love. I love all the friends you made & all the people that treated you like family & I feel like I'm part of them too.

I know you'll make something for yourself in future. I believe strongly in you. But even if you don't, it won't mean I'll love you any lesser. Even if we live on minimum wage & have to fight harder in life I wouldn't mind, because living life together with you is what makes my life meaningful. For so many years of my life I've been floating without realizing it. I've chased the materialistic side of myself but now I have everything, in fact, so much that I have nothing else to wish for but you... & I've learnt that there are things in the world that money can't buy.

I love New Zealand honey. I love that it has cows and sheeps all over the plains and hills. It's got landscapes so beautiful my very urbanised Singapore don't have. It's very laid back & it's very enjoyable. I know that you love this lifestyle. However there are certainly pros and cons in living in the different cities. But the biggest difference I've come to realise is not about how good these two countries are, but whether you are there or not.

Friends are people I can make anywhere, though good friends are hard to come by. Then again, I believe the good friends I've already made will always be there for me. But lovers, once the chance is missed, once given up, once let go, you'll never ever find the same one again. & for this sole reason, no matter what you think of us, even if you would give us up again, I would never ever be the one to let you go.

It's 1.30 now & you must be asleep. I hope my phone serves you well & doesn't run out of battery so fast. Please leave me a message once you've woken up because I'm feeling so empty since Melbourne. I thought I'd be able to catch you for a minute but maybe your phone ran out of battery.

I'm going to sleep now & I'll blog again tomorrow perhaps. From thousands of miles away again, I wish you'd have a super good sleep & tomorrow I'm going to work early in the morning to fight for our brighter future again.

I love you. I hope this time, it's enough for you.
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Sorry oppa! I've been so so busy ..

As soon as I got home, I have to sleep soon to prepare for another round of working again :( life is tough.

But it's okay. It's worth all the sacrifice so I can be free from worries when I get to you :)

My stomach is getting squiggles from the thought of seeing you. Can't wait. I can't believe it's just Tuesday. I'm scared though. I've never been on a plane alone. Oppa, I'm scared :'( I feel like crying already. It's like going to first day of primary school all over again...

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The bad before the good

I had a IT scare of losing my essay of 900 carefully drafted words. It's easy to come up with something 900, but for the first time in 3 years I haven't been this serious in writing my essays. I was certain this was could score well. But at the very last minute, I wrecked things and lost my essay in a moment of carelessness. I opened it from an email and I couldn't find it anywhere on my desktop to submit. There goes my 6 hours of work.

Then the horror comes after when I had to redo the entire piece of work. I mean my standards are there just that the first draft was so much better. The language is polished, the points are well organized, there's a flow to my train of thoughts... Then wham! Bang! Poof! It all disappears into thin air.

I tried recovering for the next 1 hour after I completed the assignment AGAIN, I finally found it! But submission I only have one chance. So I emailed my lecturer in desperation. I was only trying my luck, but there's no way he would look at my original perfected piece.

Oh well, on a happier note, oppa, it's 7 more days and I'm gonna be in your arms.

Let's cross fingers and hope time goes faster, & slower when I get there.

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Countdown timer

It's so sweet that you're doing the countdown for us. I do have a countdown timer installed, but I refuse to look at it. The numbers don't seem to go down & I miss you too much. I can't wait to see you again. Half a year is too long a separation. It almost feels as if we're being punished for loving each other. But then again from another perspective, it helps to slow down our progress. We can't be behaving like husband and wives overnight. We worked the other way round. We felt the connection, and almost immediately we're living as if we're married to each other. The morning breakfasts, the waking up to each other, the breakfast, lunch & dinner, the vacation altogether. We are still dating & it has to be preserved a little longer. So when we look back, the memories could be more different from the day we get married. If we move on too fast, there's nothing to look forward to, I won't have the womanly jitters "is Edward gonna marry me?" Conversation with my girlfriends. I need the surprise if I ever get to say "Yes!" Heh. And not a "oh okay, finally, here it is" atmosphere.

I've come to terms that I might not lose 4 kgs by the time I go to you. It's already an achievement I didn't gain any weight for Chinese New Year after eating so much. I'll try harder, I need a flat tummy. Meanwhile, be good for me. I'm coming to you in 9 more days.


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Things I am scared of and afraid, I usually hate

& the title says it all, I am scared of a lot of things, and usually if I'm scared, I usually hate it. I have a list of them, so maybe you'll know... Just for fun, in case people asks about it, you can answer. HAHA.

#1: The sea. Yes, large bodies of water, covering vast lands and never knowing what's lurking underneath the sometimes black, sometimes deep blue, sometimes green sea water; be it Sharks, Jellyfishes, or even the creatures which never haboured any intention to harm, I'm still afraid. The seas are a frequent motifs and images of my nightmares, I get lost in them. I always get drowned not in water, but in the fear of it. So one thing I'll never do is scuba diving. I've done snorkling, that's a huge milestone for me. But I'm not proud of it. Conquering this kind of fear to a certain extent does not work to eradicate ill feelings about oceans and sea creatures at all. I'm scared, & I hate it. Full stop.

#2: Cats. Dead or alive, they're very mysterious animals. Frequently, black cats are the symbols of death and evil. The mere mention of it activates my goosebumps. They caper silently and hide in corners which always startle people in the most unexpected places.Their piercing eye contact forces you to either look away, or be prepared for a confrontation with a feline beast. I never knew they have retractable claws until I heard it from a friend. From head to toe, they spell trouble. The violent shrieking of mating and cat fights does not make things any better. What irks me most is perhaps their superficiality. I've heard stories where cats bite and claw their owners when they're grumpy. I've heard of them mauling innocent, good hearted people who just wanted to feed them. Perhaps I've gained a imbalanced insight and misunderstood them, as when compared to dogs, they're not in any way considered loyal animals. But I tried to like, but failed. There's just this inherent and perpetual discomfort with them. I've always believed in this world, there's the animal lover, the cat-only lover and the dog-only lover. I guess I belong to the last category. I tried, but I just can never learn to love cats. If only they are less creepy...

I'm going back to homework. I shall list the others when I think about it.

too stressful

When I chose this module, i didn't expect it to be difficult. I checked the past year papers, and I checked that there's a textbook given, I thought, it shouldn't be that hard. Little did I know that I was in for serious trouble...

This stupid module is about writing researching methods. I don't even have exposure in doing research at all, and the topic is too broad. Neither did our lecturer help to narrow the topics down. I did tons of research in the area, but they all seem too dispersed in the area of research. There was no centralised support, no educational resources given, and to be fair, I started a little late. But no matter how I read, there was no way I could have come up with something satisfactory. I'm a little strict with myself. So I decided to give up this module. It's too ridiculous to continue with it, there's no way I could have scored an A. & I don't participate in battles I have zero confidence in. Sigh.

I wished I could show you how undefined the question is. What irritates me most is not about how difficult about the subject, but how bad the question was being asked. If the question was bad, teachers can't expect students to craft good answers because the root of the problem can't even be defined. It's alright. I should just take another paper. I should be better off with it.

It just made my day very bad. But I'm lucky I still have you. I love how you don't protest, and just support my decisions. I know very well what I'm doing. I calculated my moves and I always know what I'm in for. I just have to slog a little more for the next half of the year, but meanwhile, I'm pretty good to go for this semester. My warped OCD inclination for achieving above average grades really always get to me, but I will definitely graduate by the end of this year.

I can't wait to go to you. Let's see how far life brings me thereafter. Just be patient, we will get there.

Please forgive me for not updating this space, but school, work & CNY is really creeping up to me :'(

I need some time. Let me tide over just today and tomorrow for a start. I promise next time I'm gonna start earlier on my homework.

Oppa. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ there are things we experienced these days only unique to us. We shall keep it to ourselves and only we would whisper and laugh and think about it in the future.

While I'm busy with busying away, please be patient. I'm coming for you.

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Bad people everywhere

I met two very terrible people in two days. I must be down on my luck. Today I worked till 11 plus, and I called a cab. I forgot the receipt after I got out of the cab but when I remembered, the cab uncle was still there. But he accelerated when he saw me going after him. Is it a natural reflex to run when someone is chasing? I don't know.

Yesterday I met a kangaroo auntie in the MRT. I'm quite sure she purposely kicked my legs, twice. Maybe she was jealous I'm prettier. I really don't understand why she can't keep her legs to herself. I feel like pulling her hair or rip her legs out from her waist. But I tell myself I must be cultivated and civilized & differentiate myself from these people. Are people too stressed and going crazy? What's wrong with them?

I just know on a day to day basis I'm a pretty happy person. I just can't stand that someone else is going through a bad day & have to find victims like me for them to vent their frustrations. Like really. Why are there people like that?

On the other hand, I've helped a colleague rush her work today & I'm pretty sure I did it quite well. Up to this point of time I'm not sure if earning money or credibility is harder. I don't really get extra money from helping, but I certainly will seem more reliable a worker. & I'm pretty satisfied with my performance. Though there's always room for improvement. Heh.

Oh well. New day new beginnings. Just don't let me meet another terrible person. This week, I pretty much had enough.

On the other hand, my gym is doing me some favour. I feel lighter and stronger & prettier. & on the other hand, I'm thankful we seem to be picking up well.

You're all that matters at the end of the day. I just hope bad people stay out of my way, & out of this world. There's no place for crazy people in my world. Leave me alone.

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Today is a really bad day. I don't even know where to start but I just felt like crying.

I don't know. I wish I could hate you for not being here. But it's too unfair. I'm too angry to think straight. But I must be cultivated and refined at the same time. Tonight I feel fat, unwanted, abandoned and used.

I can't believe people can be this terrible. I really don't know where to start. & where are you....
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I miss you so much

I miss you so much last night I dreamt about you. We were at a bar, then that's all the time we had together. From day till night, I didn't go home, you didn't too. But when it was late at night, when the mall where we were in closes, we couldn't bear to leave each other. But I went off first anyway, because the bartender was chasing me away. Then as I walked away when you didn't notice, you ran after me and hugged me from the back, you asked me not to leave. But we have to part for the day. I think that was the rule in the dream. We could only meet again the next day.

While we were at the traffic lights, where the junction was, we're were waiting for the green man to flicker. You just stood behind me and hugged me tight, as though it was the last night we're gonna spend together. Like how you hugged me in the mrt and made people think I was pregnant and offered me a seat. Remember? It was good times. Our wait at the traffic light seemed so long yet so short. It seemed like we were the only people who existed in the world, as we looked lovingly into each other's eyes, as if if we were to part again, we would never see each other again. Every minute we cherished just in case there was no tomorrow, just in case it was the last night you could hug me this close.

There is a part three. But I shall keep this dream to myself :) it's so bitter sweet, I wished the ending was to have us together for eternity. Unfortunately it was morning already so I don't know what happened to us. Maybe the future is in our hands to decide. & every step I'm taking now are very decisive, aggressive and uncalculated & willful moves to hop into your arms, hoping you are a good bet I can put my last chip on.

Thousands of advices are telling me to not walk into this trap of broken love, that I cannot ever ever go back to a man who broke my heart. Please don't be disheartened, and please don't feel sad about the truth oppa, because I'm courageously taking steps to defy the world, just because I believe in you. & if the entire world turn their backs on me, I only have you to fall back on. Same goes the other way, if the entire world turns their back on you, I'd still believe in you. Our mutual strength is a secret weapon for everything negative in the world. You are my strength & reason to live on. Please allow me to be yours too.

I'm glad we're picking up. But I'm afraid to think too much of it. It's sad that we've become like that. So I'm not sure this positivity can ultimately bear the fruit of my hopes. For the past few months I've held onto the belief that you'll come back. It was an empty bet. & it didn't make it better that you didn't guaranteed anything. I was clutching onto the survival ropes of fear & empty dreams. I was just glad that on the other end, you're still holding onto this rope off the cliff I'm left deserted and forgotten.




Keep holding on. We'll be the happiest people if we just held on. I don't have expectations other than spending my life with you. It doesn't have to be glamorous. We don't have to have money to be rich. My life is richer with you, it's gonna be more than fulfilling. I don't know about you oppa.

I just always prayed you'll feel the same.

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I don't know the situation, but it seemed everytime you had to work for your ex boss, you work longer & harder.

😭

Please get more rest oppa. I wanted to work later today but I couldn't stay awake enough. My friend called me up for dinner so I decided to cut myself some slack and go ahead with dinner. Now I'm just back at 11pm. But I still have some readings to do before school tmr.

I'm working ultra hard now to catch up. I need to excel this semester :D

Good night oppa.

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stripped privilege

in 7 mins time, oppa, you should be awake for work. In the past I'd set my alarm, just to wake you up for school. Now I must resist the urge to call you up, just because I'm stripped of the right to do so.

To be able to be the one to call you up, remind you of the little things in life that matters is a privilege. To me it's the most blissful thing to do for a loved one. Nevermind that you're not doing the same. To me, everything I do for you never seems to be enough, as if my previous lifetime I'm super indebted to you.

I'll try to get over this, though I know I never really can. you're being ridiculous. I want to be in your plan.

why must we wait. 오빠, 왜 나 기다리게 해요? 왜? 뽀뽀 없어요? 뽀뽀 안돼요?


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Good times

Hahah Edward Kim. Look at what you used to send me. These are our first messages with each other. Not cool. But how did I fall in love with you?

























After you left, I checked my phone a thousand times for your reply. My days weren't great without you.

Cheers, Peiru.

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Just for laughs

Oppa. I wonder how's your day. Hope it's good. But if it's bad, I have this pun to share. I saw it on some famous guy Tommy's Instagram.

& he captioned it "cause you're hot and you're cold" -Katy perry



I laughed like crazy. Hope you did too :)

I'm excited today. A little happy, a little over the rainbow.
Work is moving slow but I'm trying to combat this problem. Heh.

I just can't wait to see you.

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I don't know why

Oppa, I don't know why, but tonight, my heart is missing you a thousand times more than the usual.

I really wish in future, instead of typing it out here, I can text you instead. Instead of texting, maybe I can call you instead. And maybe instead of calling, I could tell you face to face instead. And maybe, if I'm luckier, instead of telling it to you face to face, I could whisper into your ears, and if I put my hands on your chest, I'd like it that it'd beat ten, twenty times faster, like it used to be.

I don't know what are we now, even though I asked you about it. But we're nothing like before. This is the first time I ever had to find back the love that's lost. It's like a treasure hunt, only harder than I thought.

You can make it easy for me & for us, why don't you do that now.

Oppa, don't keep neglecting this genuine heart of mine. Because I love you this much...

To me, you're everything. With you, nothing really matter. You don't have to show me the whole of New Zealand for me to love that place. I'd love any place as long as you're there. You don't have to feed me well because to me, you're my lifeline. I'm quite sure I can go without food and water for days, but I've never felt nearer to death than that day you wanted us to break up. You don't have to be the best in the corporate or academic world, because even without these credentials, I still see all the good in you to excel in life. I believe in you, everything that you tell me. I just hope you won't betray this trust & that you never lied to me. You're not born the most handsome man on earth, yet, you look more than just fine. I cannot imagine one day I couldn't see you anymore. & I'm damned sure this face is the only face I want to wake up to in the mornings. I love how your muscle-less hands can still hold my hands so tightly, I love how your body can give me so much warmth. I love how your mini eyes can still show so much emotion to capture my heart, & how your half-formed dimple on your left cheek can illuminate a smile so bright & so genuine my heart melts everytime I see you smile. The half-Korean half-kiwi accent sounds like a well formed melody, so pleasant to my ears, & you're absolutely sweet when you tell me how I shouldn't lose weight because I'm perfect as I am. It's one of the sweetest things a man can ever say to a lady.

You're the sweetest boy ever.

It was my loss to have lost you. You've punished me enough already. It's enough already.


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