stupefied

I really am envious of those who gets to go overseas to study. I've lost my chance. Yes, I did have a chance in year 2010, when my dad sprung a surprise call on me. My decision to not going abroad, however, are reasons that i rather keep to myself. Till this day, I'm torn between regret and content.

Nevertheless, I had my share of that miniwealth for my USA trip, of which, I have yet to blog about. All those heavier stuff will come after my exams. For now, I choose to mull over my half-wrong choice with the half-glass-empty attitude and, the regretful part of my being.

I find it hard to speak of my life, because I know its nothing interesting at all. When people ask what I am doing right now, I only have my studies and work to speak about. Unlike those overseas, they have New York, Adeleide, Melbourne, UK, Glasgow, London... etc to narrate about. Even I myself get bored with the things I say. My best attempt to liven things up is to create riduculous identities for myself such as "mahjong queen" and “orchard 小公主" in an desperate attempt to add more dimensions to my stories and self. Now, that is laughable, and not to mention, sympathetic.

I would also attribute my thin and shallow writings to the lack of such experience. Guess books are my only hope now, to open myself up to different genres, cultures, and experiences. But, it's also, vastly different. Of which, I will make up for in quantity.

Just can't wait for the week to be over. Diet plan to materialise. more readings required. grammar books to be completed; balance between work and love, friends and family, mahjong and discipline.

I just wished I can slow down the process of growing up. I don't want to grow up so quick.

All these writing... just blame the exams.

Yeah, today i had an awesome dream. I dreamt that i was one of xmen's gang, a new member recruited to specialise in neutralising the "zombie bomb", something invented by villians to turn xmen into zombies. One of my best works. Don't you think?

I just had to document this despite declaring it over twitter and facebook! HAHA!

I have one more book to conquer and I'm done for the year. Can't wait. it's 3 more days. I hope i deliver. I am going to make it. I swear. I cannot let myself down anymore. sigh.

Too much expectations, Too many dreams.

To the 24 year old me.

Haven't been writing for quite some time, and the culmination of my emotions inside of me is just baffling. Perhaps Virginia Woolf was correct, that writing is a kind of emotional outlet.

I've been dreaming. Not exactly the proudest happenings worth being euphoric over. Perhaps it's just stress teasing my creativity, that I dreamt of the boys of my past all weaved into my ingenious fiction which left me waking up perplexed with some parts of my being wishing that the details be true. I savoured the very moment when I awaken, to find myself still fumbling my way into reality; still lost in transition, yet conscious enough to want to dream that dream again. I struggled to envisage and to place myself back into where I dropped out from the depths of my imagination. But I've come to realise that the more pressing issue was to retain the last bits of sweet memories I had of it. Then it was gone.

The only consolation was that I did have most handsome boys featured. Albeit illusional.

Boyfriend, don't feel sad. You're not phantom. You're the reality. My reality. (:

As I struggle now for my lit examinations, I wonder if all these effort were worth burning the midnight oil. Certainly isn't now, that while I'm typing this, the time could have been better spent on the notes.

Somehow, every step I take forward seems to bring me further from my dreams. I need to pace myself faster. Much faster.

Hope everything will go fine. To the 24-year-old me, when I look back at this post again, be proud to say my worries are unfounded, and i'm just being stupid+silly+hysterical.