Rainy days

Went for brunch today. It's good.



Wish you were here to share with me.

Went to many places too. Sentosa & town, to eat & rest & eat again.




& I realized the better yoghurt is Greek yoghurt! :D heh! & it's really expensive here. Wished Singapore would make their own.

I'm still sick. I think I'm
becoming sicker again. The sore throat is coming back. When can I ever get well? I want to eat chocolates, sweets & fried food again. It's been raining the entire day, & I feel frozen the entire day. I still believe one day you'll hold me in your arms and hug the cold away.

At times like this, I realise other than my ability to promise to be loyal & to love you for eternity, there's nothing else I could be of use to you. I'm sorry I'm lousy just like that.

But if I had a lover who'd love me this much. I know it's all I'll ever really need.

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Close to you

Heh :) when I blogged, I realized you just visited oppa. Somehow this time coincidence makes things feel wonderful. It's like my blog is literally the only thing that is separating us, that I know you're reading my blog, & so am I. I feel closer to you. Beyond this veil of the internet, I wonder how are you & how have you been. When you've seen worse days, I believe you'd do fine anyhow.

Nowadays, I made some new friends. A 'wilder' group who hangs out later & drinks. I still don't like alcohol & I believe a girl should still stay sober in the night. Plus my cough that hasn't healed, instead of my usual loser orange juice at a bar, I had an overpriced tea on a teabag. But recently I learned to appreciate life a little more, so I hang out with my friends in a bar/pub, sit back & talk the entire night before heading home. This kind of life is laid back & pretty relaxing. I like it.




I've also been reading the bible for the purposes of the interesting stories. & of course, the Korean language. I should really start on my exam preparation for next year. Sigh. Procrastination again.

In 5 hours time I should be having brunch. I'm really tired & I have been surviving only on 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I'm very deprived. So good night to you oppa.

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Wander

Heart throb in soup spoon today. Looks like the Edward Cullen in the twilight series, only better. He looked over our table so many times. Too bad the restaurant closes early & we had to go off early




Company event today & here's my team. Not full attendance though. I still shine bright like a diamond :p new joiners included. Maybe I can go for Japanese now.


Office spread. Good food. Good life.


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I knew

I knew when I spoke to you for the first time, I was in trouble.

& yes I was. I knew I'd fall in love with you. & damn, I did.

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Eccentric couple

We used to be like this. I want to be weird again


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Good day

Today was good. Busy as usual though. The week is getting rough. But I'm surviving well.

They say with great power comes great responsibility. Yes. Indeed.

IPL session 3 tomorrow. HEH. :) I'm gonna be hairless soon in a few more sessions! :p


Recently I've been reading the bible, for the purposes of my literature. & I'm finding something more reliable to believe in. Other people tell me I must have faith.

Probably having faith means I can believe again.

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How time flies

It's the 27th again, it's been 2 months. How time flies. But I just wished time would go sooner, because I can't wait to unfold the future. But it scares me too, because I'm scared to uncover what I don't expect, & what I already expected. Life it getting too hard like that.

Why can't you make it easier for me. Why.

& how time slows down, when I'm actually thinking about how far away June is.

:( I miss you. How much you ask?

A hell lot. You were the world to me. & I think you still are.

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Silent kisses

I didn't blog doesn't mean I didn't miss you oppa. I've just been too busy that I go home at 10 plus 11 everyday. You know how engrossed & serious I get when it comes to my work. :) but every 5 seconds your face pops up inside my head to say hi. HAHA. 진자! :)


I bet you're working hard too. Jiayou! :D

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The kind of man I want

I don't need a perfect man. I just need a man who cared to make me feel special.

I'm not sure if I ever made you feel like you're the most special man out there. I'm not sure if I made you constantly go "why did she choose me?"

It'd be a gift, that if I ever find a man, he would go Without a care in the world, only look at me like there's no other girls out there, and tell me that to him, I'm the most beautiful one despite my flaws.

You would defend me in front of other people, if they ever had any misconceptions about me and believe me when the world is against me.

I don't know about you oppa. But to me, you did gave me that feeling before, whether you meant it or not, I don't know.

Maybe we met the right person at the wrong time. I'm sorry if you feel that way. But I don't really believe in this. If the love was there, it would fight against any circumstances & it never has to be a lone battle.

I'm sorry I'm forced to fight one. It didn't have to be like this. But I don't know how to fix a broken love. I'm not sure if my persistence means anything to you at all.

I just know you're worth fighting for.

If this is the kind of thing you like, I'd give it to you. I've given everything to you. & I would fight for you.

But you make me feel like there's nothing to fight for.

I'm glad I'm still young enough. Maybe years is what it takes. I just know don't want to live with regrets. With you, I experienced the best kind of love together. This separation is taking too much away from me. I don't want to live like this.

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Pretty?

Took a selfie today. & I think I'm really white. So white I reflect light off my body. Look at my arms. HAHA....

My friend said I have a pitiful look. LOL. What???! :) I'd say I have a pining look. I've been pining for you for a long time now. It's 3 days to two months. It's not romantic to count like that.

Sigh.

Anyway. Have a good day ahead oppa. 안녕!



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This one book

I suddenly remember I've got this one book, where I recorded down our meetings & things we talked about when we just met each other.

I don't dare to open it, I'm afraid I'll cry again.


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Love sick

It's been the 3rd week & I'm still not healed. I've been taking to the bed & slept for super long hours & everytime I sleep I don't know if I'll ever wake up. I'm too young for that kind of scare now I guess HAHA. I wish I get well sooner.

I've been busy with outings & work. Friday night chilled at tanjong pagar, had my favourite chilli pasta with my new colleague, Qi yuan & shuai quan. Oh yes my cousin is back!!

Saturday I heeded my friend's advice. They said probably some
exercise would heal me. But I played badminton for 3 hours, yet my cough still is as bad. Sigh. Why won't I heal 😭.

Oppa, I'm sorry I'm so weak. I never used to be like this. I used to heal faster. Maybe your leaving was right, because if I'm sick I can't take care of you, I don't want it to be the other way round, a man shouldn't trivialize over small matters like this. Maybe another girl with a stronger body should fit you better.

Now I see it better.

But i dreamt about you. That you were here & took care of me, brushing hair off my forehead gently & you planted a little kiss. With your loving & sweet voice, I heard you saying "it's all gonna be okay my love...you'll get well soon"

Then i wake up to the truth & become all kinds of sick all over again. I must be too sick that I hallucinate & am so delirious.


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Little confession

Oppa, even if what's left of us is a dying, flickering fire of hope on the candle, I'll find more wick & wax so it'll keep burning... Until you decide to blow it out.

Meanwhile, I'll press on.

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Our predicted fate

I happened to read what I wrote on the 12 of February 2013. So everything turned out to be within my prediction. While I loved you more since then, you're still the same. You never promised anything. True. I expected too much from you perhaps. All these imaginary dreams we once built, are now gone with the wind. We talk about the perhaps; you probably knew it then, that we wouldn't last. I'm not sure. Being bitter about everything doesn't matter much now. It just triggered a wave of emotions over me. It's okay.

It's only just a dream.

But you were real to me.
I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'd be extremely busy I foresee.

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Presents

Kaiwei just came back from Germany. That makes it my 2nd fav place in the world. I got so much goodies :D & oppa, remember those peach gummies you loved when you were here, you practically finished all of it.

Now kai wei gave me a really big bag, & if I knew your address I would still mail it to you, without the poison I promise. HAHAHAHA.

Just kidding oppa.

Every now and then, when I buy something I like, I'd buy two. I just have the habit, I didn't realise why too. I thought I'm afraid that if I finish my first packet I need to have the 2nd packet to satisfy my additional cravings. But no, I ended up having a bag of snacks in the fridge and outside. Then I realized. Oh, I've been buying for you too.

So when I can't finish my additional snacks now, I bring it to the office. Oppa, if you are ever back, you know I'll always get more for you. :'(

You must be really busy now. Please take care of yourself. Don't get sick yeah.

& here's my goodies heh!


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I'm still trying

Oppa, I saw this segment on a show. I'm sorry it's not original but I adopted it because this is what I would have told you. I added my own lines too, with the help from jia min. I'm still trying to learn your language, & trying for you. &; this is what I would like to tell you...

나 사실 겁이 많아요
공포영화 볼때 눈도 못 뜨고
높은 데 가면 다리가 후들거려요
하지만 제일 무서운 건
당신을 볼 수 없다는 것이다

오빠 사랑해. 오빠도 날 사랑했잖아. 그런데 지금 왜 그 사랑하는 느낌을 다시 찾을 수 없는거니?

Really, really afraid to lose you. But I still lost you anyway. Really really want to be yours, but you rejected me anyway. No matter what I did for you, all I want is to be the nicest person I can be to you in the entire world. But it seems like no matter how hard I try, no matter what kind of effort I put in, I reap nothing still. I'm not really okay. Nobody in the world can ever be cool about losing their love, what's more, you're the man I loved most. But at the same time, I don't want your pity. To love you, and to continue to love you after we're done is a choice I've made. So don't give me sympathy, don't say sorry. I hate to hear sorry from you most. Because you're just telling me you won't do the same for me, & it's a reality I want to come to terms with on my own pace.

Maybe you're thinking, why do I still love you, after all that's happened. I could only say, because I just love you for you. It's cliched, I know. but I guess what makes me surprised is despite me seeing all your shortcomings, I can still love you this much. I could make a list, please don't be sad because no one's perfect, I could make a list for myself too. But I could see your beauty beyond those imperfections.

For others, maybe if they good & bad to me, I'll remember only the bad stuffs. With you, even if the good and bad stuffs transpired, I forget about the bad almost immediately the next day. Oppa, I think this breakup is so painful I'm losing memory unconsciously of us. Maybe in future we can make new ones again. But I'm scared of losing our past too, because I want to remember how I fell in love with you. I want to remember how you used to love me too. So here I am, trying to recall everything good we went through before I truly forget involuntarily.

1. Our first meeting, how you came to my table at the Corner Place and talked to us. I tried speaking to you in korean & you shyed away
2. How you came by our table before we went away, leaving your facebook and number and you told the group "I wish someone would bring me around...." then you pointed towards me and said "especially you"
3. How we texted, & you said you'd be my star/moon, following me around whever I am
4. How we met at Newton Circle, had a hearty talk and you charmed me with you wits and humour
5. How you held my hand & how it tingled my heart & made my heart pump so fast my hands are shaking, but because you help it so tight you probably didn't feel it
6. How our day ended awkwardly, decided never to contact you again but eventually did
7. How we went for a scary movie & you held my hands again. What an opportunist you Oppa (:
8. How you didn't care how I was so anxious about my homework and brought me to eat sushi
9. How you kissed me at the staircase in Yishun after our movie
10. How happy you looked eating crabs
11. How you loved and embraced our local foods like the oyster mee sua, fried chicken, bubble tea, noodles and all
12. How romantic everything can be even if its just a simple walk to the jetty behind my house, walked from Yishun to Khatib, talked about everything in at the playground in the garden
13. How hard you hugged me as if everytime were the last time
14. How you rested comfortably on my thighs (I admit I once hated it, but I did change my mind)
15. How you always tried to push me away while you smoked
16. How you massaged my legs when I said they were aching or cramped
17. How you shyed when youtry to tell me something romantic
18. How we painted our future under my cousin's apartment, when we kept sneaking out & talked as if we were married
19. How you impulsively said "lets get married" one day right before you left for New Zealand for the first time, but later took it back
20. How you washed the plates despite your allergy to detergent because you wanted to do your part after I cooked
21. How you praised my cooking even though it's not the best in the world & finished the entire thing because you didn't want to waste my effort, despite being already too full
22.  How you told everyone that "this girl, I want to marry" to your uncles, to Nicky, to everyone you see
23. How you pouted when you didn't know what to do when I was angry
24. How manly you were even when you scolded me
25. How someone like you would cry over me.
26. How you came back for me one day after you left with your luggage
27. How you texted me even though it's not your favourite mode of communication
28. How you kept calling when you reached New Zealand & tried to skype
29. How you take pictures and told me you want to bring me there next time
30. How you take notice of what I like & try to give it to me, like the piece of chewing gum you got from Nicky and pictures of planes
31. How you sang to me in my cousin's place because you wanted me to know those lyrics which were then from the bottom of your heart
32. How street smart you are
33. How well you interacted with my friends
34. How my friends and family equally loved you
35. How your uncle treated me with so much kindness by virtue of our relationship
36. The gentle way you kissed me, and my forehead sometimes
37. How you were angry with me because you felt helpless when I had a serious toothache
38. How you loved Choya and kept drinking till you got yourself drunk
39. How much you used to miss me, and bothered telling me
40. How you say "I love you" several times a day. It's the best feeling on earth to be reminded that you loved me
41. How cute your friends were, especially Daniel and Dong Woo
42. How cheeky you were all the time
42. I loved bickering with you, & then you pretend that you've lost, but you just let me win anyway
43. How you looked into my eyes, with so much passion I could feel the love already
44. How you put your hands supporting my head the entire night and you told me it wasnt numb at all
45. How you piggy backed me from the convenience store behind my house when my slippers broke & even though I was so heavy, you tolerated all the way until I went home
46. How you sometimes whisper to me
47. How you made me "pregnant" in the MRT & we laughed so much over it
48. How you had those funny pictures and sent them to me. My favourite was still the sick frog. HAHA.
49. How you wished you were a more accomplished man before you asked my dad for my hand
50. How reluctant you were when you said "Lets break up."

I could go on. But let's face it, everything good would eventually come to a stop anyway. But one thing that would never stop I guess, is that my heart would forever beat for you. "Right here honey, right here", was what you used to tell me, pointing to your heart, telling me I'm right there, and that you're right in front of me.

"One day, one day" was also your trademark line. I remember how cheeky you always sound when I fooled you sometimes, and that you would get back at me one day. HAHAHA.

we were so good together. We were so good together ...

My love for you would one day move God. I don't wish for him to return you to me now.

Just be happy my love. Just be happy, for me.

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Chinese breakfast

If i knew we were shortlived, I would have squeezed what I could have offered you within the short time span god gave us. I have so much to offer, I haven't shown you the entire of my world. It's maybe too mundane or too interesting to you, I'm not sure, but I definitely wouldn't make you feel bored. If you are, I'll try to liven it all up, just for you.

I'm not sure if Koreans eat this, but this is one of the bestest breakfast I swear by. Half boiled eggs with a toast spread with kaya and butter. I'm not sure if you know what it is but I'm quite sure this is what you'll like to eat. :)

I'd make you this Chinese breakfast sprinkled with lots of love. But for now, please just make do with a picture :) it's 10 times yummier than it looks :)

I want to cook for you again. Everyday & until my hands can no longer cut the meats, wash the plates, or hold the pots & pans.



I love you. Isn't this enough for you?

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Why is life so cruel to me

I wanted to put you behind me so I'll leave you in peace. Really. But look at my readings, even as I'm trying to work hard, there you are again. Look at her birthday. I don't know if I should laugh or cry Edward. Why. HAHA



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settling down

today i thought about the concept of settling down. It struck me when I was studying at a pace of 20 pages per 6 hours. It's not very productive but I'm settling down well. It is the momenteum that keeps me going faster and faster. At least I'm learning something and preparing well for Friday's paper.

On an unrelated note, I was just thinking, when I was young, I used to think that renouncing my citizenship in Singapore, gather all my government savings, I could live quite comfortably in NZ, rearing sheeps and cows. But now I thought about it, I am so naive. Who would love rearing sheeps now. I used to believe that you could be that guy who didn't mind to just live minimally just on a few bottles of beer, come back to a wife preparing dinner for you, and just have each other for all time.

But I see how you've transformed. You want more things in life. i don't know what's the meaning behind your pursuit. You're willing to give me up when you used to tell me I'm your world and everything. Maybe one day when you achieve it you'll feel accomplished. I know you're the kind of person who never regrets anything you do in life. That's what I loved about you. & I just never realised this trait of you would come and bite back at me.

i don't know what to say anymore. & I don't know what & who I should believe anymore.

you're a fairytale stealer. You said it affected you when I told you I feel like a broken toy. What happened to that guy. Where is he now x_x,

But on second thoughts, If you think we're worth the sacrifice for your career, I'll support you. (:
I'd be the last woman on earth to want to hinder you. jiayou Edward kim. (: 

why can't we just be friends?

i don't understand why people are like that. Why must everything be mixed with passion? Why can't we just be friends?

So today you called me, and asked about me. Oh. So you remind me that people do care a whole lot about me. but then, you're not willing to drop by to see how I'm doing, because i'm not willing to be your "friend with benefits". I asked you "why can't we just be friends?" he said "because you're attractive, I dont know, it just happens."

Hi "friend", I don't need you, I'm not flattered & you're just a jerk. You're dead to me. Don't ever let me see you again.

It seems that such things keep happening to me. Why can't boys be decent to me. I really just want a good, honest, loving man. Not one who only wants to appreciate my superficial appearance.

Boys, I'm deeper than that. If you're so shallow, back off. Plus, my heart is not available.

Oppa, if only you could pull me away from these people. If only you could.

Estranged

I was thinking... We've become so foreign to each other, like how it's been before we met. It's like life is a circular journey. We started as strangers, and Somehow we got to meet each other, & somehow we became strangers again. Maybe we will become lovers again. This circularity is so intriguing & full of wonder. Everything you do is asking me to give up hope, yet everyday you motivate me to write just so that when you visit I have something to show you. I'm not sure if this is your form of reciprocation. Even if it is, I'm glad that there's still this thin cord of communication still holding us together. I cannot imagine how things would turn out few months down the road. But I'd like to believe you're the Prince Charming in my fairy tale. This is everything I've dreamed about since I have the consciousness & intellect to realize that every one of us, our ultimate goal in life is not to earn the big money, or get a really impressive cert, but it really is to find a soulmate or a lifetime partner so that we have someone to share anything we have in abundance. Having you to share my happiness & everything else makes my life more meaningful. I'm not sure how far my persistence will go, I just know I have to.

Because you're the only one I want to put meaning into my life.
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Late

I'm behind schedule. I'm supposed to be asleep & wake at 12pm to start on my studying again right before the exam. But the cough is blocking my windpipes & the phlegm is preventing water from going down. I can feel water stuck in my throat. Gosh. Yuck.

But here I am at 5.30am coughing away. I wished someone was here stroking my back and put hot towel on my chest so maybe it'd melt the phlegm, expand my breathing passage so I can breathe better. I lost my voice and I can't talk. I think my windpipes are pretty damaged. I accidentally poured this Chinese medicated oil into my nose and my nose is burning from the super strong menthol effect. HAHA. How stupid of me. I meant to rub a small amount only. Last warning to me.


Oh well. Everything would be fine after exams. But no, after exams I'm working my ass off for the company. I'm a workaholic. If I don't see I'm doing my best I'll disappoint myself. Plus there must be a lot of work lagging behind because I've taken a really long break for my exams. Damn.

Oppa. I missed you. I wish I'd take a plane there right now & I want to feel your warmth again. It's like the best ever. Okay. Tonight I'll fantasize about you. I'm already imagining koko hugging me and all. Let's not go down to the details *insert cheeky face*


Hope your day would be better than yesterday today. :)

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Panic attack

It's the exams tomorrow. I'm not prepared. It's hard. I'm beaten. Excessive coughing like an old man. Yet I dare not take my cough syrup because I'd get drowsy.

& I. :(

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Excess

I'm living in excess. I have too many material things & I just came to a point I feel like I have too many things. I want to be mobile. I want to be able to detach myself easily from anywhere & go to you. I have 2 iPod touches, a MP4 player & a kindle & an extra iPhone that I don't use at all. I have a camera, a Polaroid camera when just the iPhone would do the same job. I have tons of clothes, half of which I don't use and too many pairs of shoes for only one pair of feet. I used to buy things & put it there just in case I need it. Sometimes it proved to be useful. But it still doesn't change the fact that hoarding is taking too much of space. I just need a computer, 1 pencil & my brain to port myself over anywhere. I've stopped spending on myself for a very long time, yet I find I probably should do something about my extras.

I don't need excess company too. I just need 1 reliable one. Or many reliable ones will do too. Friends are the only category where more is better. Maybe money too but I'm not bothered by that.


Now that my life is complete. I only need one more thing. One more thing. :)

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Positivity

I don't know why every time it has to happen when I'm having exams. Right before the day of exams I must contract a fever, & a really serious cough. I went back to the doctor and he recognized me, he went "have I seen you before?" I said "yes, one week ago and your medications are not working" I'm not trying to undermine his professionalism, just that he sought to justify and in reaction to my comments. He was explaining how my body is fighting the virus & the phlegm in excess is the body's way of trying to heal. Yes yes I know it, but give me my medicine already.

Sundays practice costs are heavier. Why are medications so expensive. Luckily I hardly have to pay because I'm insurance covered. Phew.




*Cough cough cough* hahahaha. I'm glad I can still laugh. Heh! It's nothing. I'm two steps away from freedom. :)) tomorrow, Friday, then oh yes! Oh yes :)


"Never say die" would be my motto till the end of the week. :) heh! Oppa! Jiayou too!

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Turn taking

Today I've slacken a little. Maybe I feel confident for Monday's paper. HAHA. But no, I'm not. I'll spend tomorrow studying with another friend at the library. Tomorrow's gonna be hell of a day. :)

But today, as usual, there's the little void in the heart. My laptop is breaking down faster & faster by the day. I've been contemplating if I should get a MacAir instead but I'm worried about the compatibilities of the software a with my school work. A windows work better. So my very kind cousin took the trouble to come pick my laptop up from my house, he was so nice because he was so considerate that I had an exam & he didn't make me travel. He engaged his friend to help fix it, so I save on repairing costs as well. I'm so blessed with a loving relative & the help from an unknown person is so heartwarming. I would say my day has been great.

& also, thanks Yan Shan for being so helpful. But I've got a more immediate help here, but thank you for being so passionately involved & concerned about my laptop.

Haha. All these uproar about my broken laptop, I must have accumulated so much good karma that people around me pay attention so much to even the little things that bother me in life. Life is good. I'm very blessed.

To add on to the good news of the day, I've been complaining of boredom today. & then at 8pm I received a random call. I missed it. But I quickly called back. It was Qi yuan. He asked "so what are you doing now?" I politely engaged a conversation with him for the next 5 mins. Then he said that it was Vincent's mother's birthday, so they're gonna give her a celebration & hangout there. He invited me. I was like "oh yes! Finally I can have an excuse to go out & probably I'll study there". Then he went "I'm already waiting for you at the car park downstairs"

Aww. Why do I have such good friends who can read my mind. & Jia min is missing half the day today. But we're contemplating & making after exam plans already. Can't wait for all these to be over. YAYA a :)

Enough about me oppa. How are you? I think you're busy nowadays. I'm not sure. I hope you're getting your hands really good on that tinting trade. 화이팅!
ㅎㅎㅎㅎ

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Optimism

내가 앞으로 만나게될 그 얻던 여자도 페아루보다 더 좋은, 나를 더 좋아해줄 사람은 없읅가라는거 알아요. 그래서 나 당신에게 올인할꺼에요. 고마워요 !

You told me this before. I'm not sure if you still remembered. But yes, it came from you. Because of these little things, i fell in love with you deeper & deeper. I'd like to know if you ever regretted saying it. Because if you hadn't, maybe I wouldn't have fallen so deep.

But if you asked me, if I regretted believing in you. You should know the answer. I never regretted being with you. This might be the greatest love I'll ever experience. Maybe there are others, but I'll set this as my favourite. I'll set you as my favourite. :) I'll always love you like this. You've put your cards on the right person. & I'll respect your same decision to leave.

& I'm not sure what would happen in future. But I'm optimistic. Maybe you won't love me again. But if one of us stops now, we'll never have a chance. You left, but it doesn't mean I'll have to stop loving you too. If I quit so easily, you've just put your eggs in the wrong basket. So I can't quit just yet. You deserve the best. If you ever find a better one, I'd be happier too.

오빠, 사랑해요! ^^

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If I'd known earlier

If I knew our love was so short lived, I would have loved you more. It seems like to you, nothing is ever enough. But I'm glad you chose the right person, because I have a boundless capacity to keep showering you with all the love in the universe.

To you, I would never say "take it or leave it". Because the Peiru you knew, is still the really polite one. :) only to you, no matter how you reject, time and again, I'd still say, "oppa. Please take it. Don't feel like you owe me anything. You don't have to repay. Just take it. You can have it all."

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Why so strong headed

I'm on my way to school now for my 3rd paper. All is well but not so well. A cute young Korean boy is sitting beside me on the bus, about 3 years old. I have a really soft spot for little boys. They melt my heart.

Yet you too, though no longer a boy, you melt my heart in so many ways. The little things you do for me, no matter how small, how atomic, I can see the good in everything. Even now, that this happened, I rationalize all the possibilities that there's some good in your decision to break us up. I'm not sure if I am right, but it lessens the pain, & I continue to believe in you despite your denial of us.

Even if it were a lonesome battle, you're worth all my efforts.

But sometimes I wished I were just a simpler girl. Maybe if I knew how to let go easier I won't be feeling the full weight of the pain.

Oh & good news. I got my scarf back. Yay. :) - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

today...

I just... Miss you.

refocus

Being alone in the room studying isn't any good. Sometimes when the mind wanders, involuntarily I sink into another bout of self reproach. In some ways I am at fault. & the fact that I'm now alone makes me really think about the unfolding of events. How and what I did changed things. Now, it didn't matter who was in the wrong. But it mattered that I hadn't apologized enough. I don't want to think about "if given another chance, would I have done the same?" I must be in the wrong for you to leave. no doubt about that, because if I were so good, why the circumstances now?

This breakup humbles me. I'm not that good a girl. not that good a girlfriend. & it makes me wonder, if I already done my best, what is better to you? As time shaves my frozen heart away, as time erodes my dying faith, I would still pine & yearn, about the better times we could have had & the day you went away.

These few days I thought I've healed. I haven't. It's coming 2 months in 13 days. Why do I want to be so stubborn still, to think you're the only one.

I'm a hopeless romantic. If we're still together, I'd tell you this.

 "I hope you don't mind you weren't my first. But, please be my last love."

Intuition

I should have walked away & follow my intuition. So why did I allow myself to even question myself today, the question of "why".

Progress necessitated change. But I'm sensitive to changes. If you can't be considerate, don't rouse this love.


Being stagnant isn't bad all the time. The greatest kind of love comes in the form of being stagnant, which could then spell everlasting. It is stable, it never fluctuates, the kind of intensity remains from day one to our last day. It would be immensely deep, too difficult for outsiders to fathom, too easy for us to understand. I need a man who would have the same kind of devotion like that.

If I only believe, god would send me one.

Yet I chose to put my last bet on you.

Why did my intuition sway. & I keep asking myself the same.

& I realized there's no answer to that.

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Sense of loss

It's another paper down. & I brought my loved scarf into the exam hall. I realized I lost it after, yet I didn't feel anything much.

I can only attribute it to a number of reasons, let's consider the following:

1. I have no attachment to material things.
-if this is the case, I must be a really desirable woman.

2. I'm used to losing things of some value to me, I don't know what to feel anymore

3. It's just a scarf.
-to be fair, it's not.

4. I've lost something more important in life, this is relatively insignificant.

But at this juncture, my feelings are numbed. I'm combating a lot of things.

I'm affected by something though. It's suffocating to not be able to voice it here. It's disappointing and discouraging. 我的心声是为你而写的, 你也许最近很忙，但我以为你还会在你最忙碌的行程里掏出一点心思来聆听，但你连这一点心意也没有. 我们的相隔只能让我们不断的猜测。不，只有我一个在不断的猜测，因为我似乎关心多一些。但这也许有一个危害很大的效果，那就是万一猜错了，必定会留下连续不断的误会，再加上你的沉默，这爱情将会失败的很彻底。我为我们无法建造的未来而哭泣，就算要责备，也不知到底是谁对谁错。咳！你不再读，我还应该坚持吗? 盲盲地坚持，有结果吗？我很矛盾，我猜不透你的想法, 这感觉让我感到十分困扰. 那极度的纳闷，该如何化解，我要怎么做才能让你回来？以这份真挚的爱来爱你， 爱你， 难道不够吗？

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improvement

it doesn't hurt that much today. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last.

Jordan proposed to his girlfriend. I'm so happy for them. (: Just made me wonder when will it be my turn. But doesn't really bother me now, since I don't have a target as of now. HAHA. this is too distant a thought.

I just know the trick to forget is to impose these feelings of attachment to something more tangible. Pining & loving you blindly won't bring me anywhere. neither would it bring you here. & the tricky part is you've become part of me so I can't shake these memories away that easily.

When I'm ready, I'll fully let you go. But oppa, please don't blame me for not being able to right now. I can't. I really can't. Let me hold on to us a little while longer.

Just a little while longer. (: 주세요! 

another paper tomorrow! i can do this! As it gets closer, it just gets easier (:

Aww

I'm so happy for the people who didn't trivialize the pre-exam anxiety. Thanks Ashika for calling, because she thought "messages aren't powerful enough" to send her blessings, & thank you for not cursing me this time :D HAHA. Thanks to Jia min for the super lovely recording over whatsapp . It made me laugh, & perhaps it's just what I needed to relax my clogged brain. Thanks to kaiwei & Yanshan for the continuous support through the relentless encouraging in text. In times like this the small gestures augment to really mean a lot in the deliverance of support. The solidarity makes me cry. I'd say this time & again, for I can never ever say enough of it to match the support these girls provide me,

I love each and everyone of you. Boys don't matter today. :)

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Asian blood

Having Asian blood is to feel the anxiety despite feeling pretty prepared for the exam. It's 5 more hours yet my heart is racing. I'm too old for this. My mind is going blank. I need to rest. So perhaps I'll sleep for an hour an wake up again :) I'm only half confident. I hope everything I studied for comes out heh :)

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Weep

I cry too easily. I'm still recovering. Every single minute that passes is like god is simultaneously rubbing salt on my wound, yet ironically the very action of it has an antiseptic function. So am I healing or not? I'm not sure. I just know every breath I take is living reminder of every loss and every gain I've experienced in my life.

Today I woke up in emptiness. Again. It's a familiar feeling I have to get used to from now. In fact, since a very long time ago. A friend brought me to the doctor but I have to come home alone. I got lunch & I enjoyed it over my show, as per normal. Yet somehow, I cried in the middle of it. I was probably mildly touched by the scenes of it.

And then in the shower, for no particular reason, I cried again.

And then, at night, tears flowed again.

Im not thinking of anything at all. So I'm not sure if it's you. I wished there's a switch to my emotions. Off & poof. & there it's gone. Poof!

I wished it were that easy. But then again, who would love anyone heartless. Having a heart is what makes me who I am. I have an intense capability to feel for someone & for anything for that matter. That's also why I repay gratitude in two folds. That's also why when I love, I love unconditionally & blindly. If no one can appreciate me like that. They don't deserve me. But for those who appreciate, like kaiwei, like jiamin, like Ashika. & many others, they'd be in for a lifetime friendship where I'll unconditionally be forever kind and giving to them.

I'm thankful & I feel blessed. My dad taught me well. & I'm glad I have the most loving father who taught me the value of giving & loving.

Still, the eye tap just won't stop flowing. Why.

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The regular updates

Jiamin was telling me how sweet this guy was. He would ask her to send pictures of what she's doing and he would send pictures of what he's up to.

We used to be like that.

For my own memory's sake, I've taken some pictures of what I've gone through today.



My super thick blood stained mucus. But It's nothing. I can overcome this. I'm usually healthy, just that this year I'm especially weak. Probably it's due to the stress that comes from the desperate need to graduate. Perhaps it's due to the lack of exercise. Or maybe... It's so many things. But I'll be fine. :)




I've also been memorizing my notes for tomorrow's exam. It's tough but I guess I can do it :) I haven't tried memorizing things for a really long time. Tomorrow's exam I'm confident I'll most probably get an A again :) heh.

Lastly, an exam stressed Peiru.


Oh. This one, you'll be proud of me 오빠. :) I've been watching running man, just a few episodes here & there to try getting used to the language & to see if there's anything I could pick up. One phrase I learned today.


오빠, 잘있니 ?

& sometimes I wonder how far my persistence can bring me. Maybe not far. But I'll do my best.

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angels

a friend helped me fix my laptop this morning. I'm glad the fever subsided too, though the throbbing headache still remained. Everything managed to work out fine, I can't be any happier. For all the good things that took a bad turn, and for all the bad things which resolved themselves eventually, I'm not glad to have to live the roller coaster life, yet I'm super grateful for those people who turned up to help unconditionally, to pick me up from the doctor in the middle of the night, for taking care of me, accompanying me to the parks for a relaxing walk after a most tiring day relentlessly hitting the books. 

Given the state of my heart now, I'm almost incapable to do anything alone. But today I will learn to get used to it. its the most stifling feeling on earth, to want to express unquantifiable amounts of emotion yet, there's no one at the receiving end.

Time is crucial for the next few days. 3 papers this week is going to strip me down to the core. I'm afraid to face this alone, yet I must. For the future. 

I realised smiling can keep my spirits up. So i'll smile until my jaws hurt and until my muscles ache. I'll think of the happier times & forget about all the unpleasant memories. At least, whatever I get in the end, I get the only best bits of our life.

ashika have been too sweet. She wrote a post for me, encouraging the perspective I should take of us. Her words are empowering, and so strong, I'd be sorry not to take her advice. Even the title, insinuates so many things.

http://ashikawong.wordpress.com/2013/11/10/i-love-you-isnt-that-enough/

The best kind of literature is to speak minimally yet implying a great deal. That's why, I thought, "I love you" is the best expression in the entire realm of this world. 3 words, 8 letters that has an uncountable depth, unfathomable consequences and is often accompanied by a slew of irrational actions and reactions.

& I still love you.

Brain burned

Of all days. I had to run the fever. I'm asking god what comes after. I've been on a emotional roller coaster, my laptop died on me, & now, this.

My brain is burning & I can't think straight. God, please be nicer to me. The throbbing headache, the burning eyeballs, the nausea. I should have asked you to bring me to the doc, but now, I really rather be independent.

But the car ride won't hurt. Shyt. Why am I so stubborn.



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Calamity comes together

I think I'm down with a fever again. My laptop has been acting weird
Not now please. I need to make notes.

Still thankful for the people who surround.

& you. Thank you for slimming me down.

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Nightmare

I had a nightmare. Dreamt of Martin in NYC. & I kept going up to NYC to this Korean shop. I had a cupcake business. Martin's family ordered a batch. I somehow also worked in a cheap restaurant, earning a meagre salary, with oppa, fighting for our lives. In the end, after delivering cupcakes, I walked into the house where I stayed, blood was all over the house, saying something like "kill them" the dream doesn't make sense. It's horrifying.


We are a disaster. It's me. It's me. The last text was a mistake.
But fuck all these shit. I have exams, so leave, leave my mind, please. I can't take it anymore.

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Hate

I hate the me that I've become.

Of all the events that have transpired, I still don't hate you. I'm forever the girl who can't leave. In front of you, I lose myself. I lose my desire to want anything, just to please you. No matter how much i try, I'm not sure if I can ever become the Peiru who was confident and cool. The Peiru who could ignore oppa's text for half a day before replying.

I can't do it to you. & I'm sorry in front of you, I can't be stronger, although maybe you prefer a stronger woman.

I hate myself so much.

So now, I have a plan. You're right. We need the no-contact rule for now.

& texting others helps. Thankfully there's a couple of people I could turn to. Let's make this work.

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Sorry

Sorry that I'm loving you too much.

Sorry I did everything to push you away further

Sorry I can't control my feelings

Sorry I hurt you before

Sorry I'm impatient

Sorry I'm disrupting you every now and then

Sorry I made you feel like you had to prove yourself

Sorry we didn't work out

Sorry I don't know Korean

But I'm still trying. This time, I'll really give you time till June. If you don't want me to, if you think we should give up, please tell me now. It's only fair.

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E

Hey E. It's been two days since I changed the address. You came knocking on my door with this text saying "What happened to your blog... I can't open it for past couple of days :("

I don't know what to reply you. My heart is breaking. If I continue let you in my life, I'd never climb out of this. On the first day you probably thought that there was a problem with the link. No, there wasnt. I'm sorry. I have to burn this last remaining string that's left of us. We're not possible anymore, like how you led me to believe. I still cry over our demise. There wasn't anything wrong with me, still you led me to think that I caused it all, & you didn't bother to save me. I've come to realize that the problem lies with you. You gave up your best option you could ever have.

Good luck in settling for second best. Because I'm not coming back anymore.


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Chapter Edward

Chapter Edward: I was in love with a man who could drink coffee naked and take cocoa in the most bitter degree, yet get drunk by the 7th Heineken. In love with such a man I was, but he was too strong & too weak at the same time. Too strong to resist giving in to his subconscious desires he was too afraid to confront. I couldn't help him at all. So I knew I had to let go. Chapter closed.


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Polyglot

In a room full of masters and PHD graduates, I'm fully immersed in the academic culture. I wish I could be like all of them. Yet, I have a weak inclination for it. My priorities are probably far from my expectations, for now. But slowly, I'm beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm moving slow, but I'm moving out of it. In any sense, it's a kind of progress.

I'm imagining too much. I shall complete this step by step first. But I'm greedy. I want to accomplish more than I can handle. I'm wondering if I should enrol for the international Korean school in December or after my studies. I'll decide again after this exams perhaps. But I'm getting the hang of Korean. Reading wise. ㅋㅋㅋ. I'm not trying to be a Korean though. We're two different cultures & I appreciate my Chinese roots. I just happen to embrace Korean too.

I'm just too excited to be a polyglot. After Korean perhaps another English related language. French maybe. 4 languages at least. I must. :) for all the lofty aspirations, I would do everything I can, & work towards it.

I'm too excited already. :)

Today I received a gift from the greatest friend ever. Thank you. I was so touched I cried. Your extent of thought, I fully internalized it, throughout this period of tough times. You're a god-sent gift. & probably my lifetime friendship is the only thing I can offer :) because you're so worth it.



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Ignite the fighting spirit

At some point of our lives we have to fight for something that is important. Education is one thing, and unfortunately it's something that is society's measure of one's intelligence and a way of categorizing us so that we land our respective jobs, more often than not, according to our field of specialization. Passion is sometimes involved, sometimes it isn't, but everyone knows a rudimentary degree is essential for the society to see us as intellectual equals. It matters because we have no choice but to be part of the society we are born in. It doesn't matter whether we get a degree though, if chance works in our favour and we land on good opportunities on the life game. Different individuals value the degree differently. For me, it's too superficial to use it to measure one's intelligence. But it's a kind of insurance, that can help in all respects somehow. Border crossing, a shield to your intelligence when you say something unwitty, etc.

I'm now fighting for mine, & for my future. So are you. There's really left with a little more so don't give up. 오빠! Jiayou in Chinese literally means "add oil", when your fuel is low, let me add more for you when it runs low :) *add add* you're good to go! Let's work harder these few days towards our goal! Jia you! Jia you! :)

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Models.

Another lecturer asked me for permission for my assignment to be used as a model answer again. I'm proud of myself. I'm achieving. But I really wish you were here to celebrate my humble academic achievements with me. It's nothing big, it's just a eruption of a really small joy. It really would be better if you were here.

This assignment was done before you came over in September. I may not have done it without you. We're really good together. We're really good. The previous semester, I topped the cohort too. You give me strength. Now that you're gone. I can't even think about it. All the futures I mapped. It had a Edward Kim in it. He never went away.

Oppa. I sincerely wish you're doing well. & ... Hmm. I think I've said everything I could.

& maybe, I wished you know how positive an influence you were on me, and what you took away when you left.





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What makes your heart move?

I'm a hopeless romantic. Love makes me thrive & without love I wilt. I guess that's only the fundamental desire of any human beings during the course of their lives. At some point of time, they'll be moved by something of significance. But for me, I'm easily satisfied. The tiniest gestures can go a really long way to move my heart. I opened up my wallet & I saw this again. & then I start to reminisce our past.

It's the first gum you gave me. It think was after our movie. MAMA. I always loved horror. But I never dared to watch. You're available & you're willing. It's a chance to get closer. I know you will give me your hand, like how you held it so suddenly without my consent when we met for the first. I was shocked. But I loved it. I forgot if you gave me this in the park, or along our walk to the coffee shop. It didn't matter. Because what I remembered was you said "I remember you said you liked chewing gum, so I got one for you" you had to grab from someone. My heart tingles when you do things like that. It touched me in so many ways. It would definitely beat any other things you would afford to give me. With you, there is nothing material I want. I don't want bags, shoes, clothes, or iPad. I don't want any of those.

Because at the end of the day, I would still remember only the chewing gum you got me, just because you remembered my preference. It's the thought, of the simplest kind that really mattered.

Thank you oppa. That, you did once cared like that.



Re looking into areas we often neglect can help us find things we usually overlook. Open your wallet, rummage through every single thing. What do you see?

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Tired

It seems 8 hours of sleep is too excessive for me. I read somewhere that if you wake up feeling tired, you're sleeping too much. My menses is supposed to arrive but not yet. Something is wrong with me, but there's no time to worry about it. its 11 now. I have about 12 full hours again to do my studying. This is not good. The sleepiness is not good.

Exposing too much of myself to online readings is like digging my own grave, I saw this article online on someone else's facebook, "The True Story of a Seven Year Marriage". We were never married, but the essence of love is universal and applicable to any kind of love I guess.

Full story here: https://flysoftly.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/the-true-story-of-a-seven-year-marriage/

In summary, her life was breaking apart, she got so tired with the things she never foresaw in a relationship. But then the couple found a way to work things out. It was the committment toward each other, and the want to love.

"Pipes broke, the baby screamed, work piled up, and I grew into a sad and lonely version of myself. My heart sank lower and deeper, knowing this wasn’t what we had hoped for.
We looked to each other for the answers, and only saw more confusion reflected back. “Can you save me?” we asked each other. “I would if I could, but I think I have to save myself.” "

"We knew we were sinking fast and that more years spent in battle would only pile up and add more weight until we reached the bottom.
So we put a solid foothold down, somewhere to stand still and look around. The foothold was our commitment to each other, our desire to love the person across the breakfast table."

 "We gained new skills, started owning our feelings, and dared to believe in each other again. Most of all, we started listening and each moment of listening piled up until we could start climbing right up and out of our hole. We added laughter when we could muster it and that made the climbing feel lighter.
We let things go, saw with new eyes, and stood in the other person’s shoes. Most importantly, we stood in our own shoes and examined where we had lost ourselves along the way.
One day I opened my eyes and really saw him again, or maybe for the first time."

(I told you oppa, I saw you in a different light. I think that was when my heart fully opened up to you, then you took it, you said "for the first time, I feel like you're all with me", then you took my heart, the next minute, it was already in the dumpster)



After reading this, I could only stand far, in envy, that for them, things worked out. Losing you was like losing everything. The world crumbles like a biscuit, it's no longer good. Sometimes I wonder why do I still bother blogging. I know why. It's because I know you're still reading. It's the only thing holding us together. But this question will always break my heart, and every single day of my future, it will echo load and clear, "Why did Oppa leave, what mistake did I make that was so wrong, so unforgivable to warrant me the most terrible punishment I can ever receive?"

Every day, my heart breaks all over again. Every day, I have to pick up the damn pieces and fix it back over and over, and pretend that all is okay, pretend that my life was back to normal, put on this facade so that people don't worry anymore. But it isn't. It just never felt the same. I'm just a terribly broken toy, a female pinocchio without the lies and the long nose, a out-of-style, unwanted barbie without the blond.

texting jiamin lifts my mood. I should be glad I have friends like this (: & I'm super glad I had her. Self examination, reflecting upon how I feel everyday becomes a routine. I know I'm stronger than this. I could let anything go easily. But you, I don't want to. I really rather get emotionally tortured than to just forget. Even if it means that you will never come back.

"Right here oppa. I'll be right here." (:

圣言

i saw this quote on facebook

放弃了就不要觉得可惜，
决定了就不要后悔。

可是我还没放弃， 还没决定。 所以宁可后悔不放弃， 也不会那么容易把你放掉。 我们的偶遇能够变成爱情，是一种奇妙的缘分。 你可以尽管放开， 不珍惜， 但总要有一个人守护这天赐的孽（良）缘。 哪怕有一天，你后悔了，你还能回到我的身边。 哪怕有一天是我想不开，把它放弃， 我也希望你会是我们爱得守护者。这样的爱才能长久， 才能坚持， 才能永恒。

你最近过得好吗？很想问的一句话，　是那么简单的一句问候，尽然变成那么难。　我们隔着的这片海洋，把我们两分隔十万八千里。　好想去找你，　但又有许多的害怕。　

我看只好等。　等待似乎变得好凄凉，　好孤独，好长久，好痛苦。　好痛苦。

two saturdays before exams

Yesterday two korean ladies asked me for directions. I wonder why I keep bumping into koreans. It's like god keeps rubbing salt into my wound as if it didn't hurt enough. Not that I no longer wish to see anything korean, I still want to learn the language, but it's another thing to be reminded of it every now and then. They were a pretty cute couple though, they were pointing at a map, and just said "빙수 빙수 " hahaha. I pointed them at the direction and hope they managed to find their way there.

Today I had lunch with my brother. I needed to get my korean supplies because my chilli powder is running out. But unfortunately jiamin helped me call and they're taking the day off, today it's a public holiday supposedly. did some grocery shopping with my younger brother and hopefully I have enough food to sustain myself for the entire exam period.

Here I am with my tons of books. I looked at the pile emptily. Don't know where to start but I know I'm just reluctant. But it's almost my final lap in school. After this and one more sememster and I'm done. I'd be free to do whatever I want. I definitely can graduate in time. I'm too smart for schools. I need to break out of it and do something else fast.

Ashika encouraged me to go overseas to experience other cultures. I thought about it for a while. I was thinking perhaps when my work ends, I could go korea for probably a year or half, their universities have a korean language school. . Maybe I can get to meet other oppa too. HAHA. Or maybe I could start sourcing for a school in US or UK to do my masters. Unlikely though.

Sounds pretty good. For now, as I sort out my notes, I think a lot again, & a lot of things are better left unsaid. I hope you're also working hard to complete your studies so you can move on to pursue whatever you wish to do in life. If you don't do your racecar thing, u'd always think about it. It'd be fun i guess. (:

I'm craving for Ramen. I really love ramen. i wish I have the same dedication for school. HAHA.

illusion

Today, my friend told me something strange. She told me she dreamt of me marrying. When I heard it I just laughed to myself. I asked her if she saw the groom. How old I was. She just said she didn't know, that she only saw me in the preparation room doing makeup and probably I was wearing a wedding dress?

I wonder if this can count as good or bad news. HAHA. She didn't know we're no longer a couple. She wasn't a close friend either. But she was teasing me "you wished it was your sweet oppa right".

I just gave her a virtual smile.

When we walked along the coastal boundary between Singapore and Malaysia that day, at the jetty, by the seaside, I showed you my blog. From then you opened a lot more to me. Probably then, our marriage bells seem so nearer, yet still so far.

Now, I don't even think about it. Sadly, what once were in our minds, it now reduced to become a far reality that would only happen in someone else's dreams.

everything beautiful probably can only be conceived in dreams.