Happy new year!

Oppa. I'm in Malaysia's hotel now.
Here's my view and room!






It's new year there already. I'm so glad you decided to at least update me about how you feel. Hokayyy. I'll let you have your way. I love you oppa. These feelings never changed. Not even with the new year.

Happy new year. Hope you have a blast tonight too!

<3
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Happy New Year's Eve

Wow. I woke up and read my post last night. Looks like I was pretty angry.

Maybe that's what lacking in sleep do to me. Angry Peiru. Heh.

Today is gonna be such a long long day, even though my release is at 2pm.

Happy New Year's Eve oppa.

New year, new beginnings.

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Truth be told

I earned myself a high profile position now. I'm invited to important meetings & private lunches with the bosses. I'm pretty happy with my place now. I've registered for new courses in school. I got everything I wanted. I'm going to Malaysia for a mini staycation with my friends for New Year's Eve countdown party.

I am in a good place & I deserve it all. It's my hardwork paying off.

Yet it doesn't feel complete.

at night, when I walk home alone, the roads always looks further and away than they seem.



I'm pining away and surviving on bouts of hope thrown to me out of pity. I'm like a little puppy awaiting her owner to come back and claim her. Only to be met with a lot of disappointment & the like.

You said before you want to let me know how you're doing. Just not through the phone or any social media. I thought for once you'd rely on the traditional letter. So ever since everyday I'll open the mail box. Sometimes when it's filled, I'm excited, I flip through the stack hoping one of them is sent by you. Then, letter after letter, and then the disappointment is delayed, only to find out that none is addressed to me. Sometimes, like today, the mailbox only had 3 letters. It's easy to sift. Yours isn't there.

So what if I wait until June. What would it prove? I love you. I do. It doesn't have to wait till June to be proven. I can wait. But why do I have to? what's the purpose? What are you searching for?

You're too greedy. You had $50 but you want to go for the hundred. You had the burger but you want the steak. You had an Audi, but you want the Bugatti. You had me, but it wasn't enough for you.

What is it you're trying to achieve?

I think about everything you said. I can always find reasons to believe that you still love me.

But truth be told. You most probably don't anymore.


Remember this corner? I don't even remember what we were quarreling over. But that night you pretty much made up your mind to break up. I begged you to stay. When I thought it was over, I thought my life was pretty much over too. You took me back out of pity. I know it in my bones. You hugged me only because of past feelings that expired on that day. & it still hurts. How can you decide so fast to turn your back on me. How could you decide to not love me in just a matter of hours? Especially when I'm the last person in the world who wouldn't want to hurt you?

For a person who's left alone for a large part of his life, I can't understand why life did that to you. But now, I can't understand what you're doing to your life when it's starting to treat you better.

Maybe I'm too full of myself. Maybe I'm not the only one treating you so well. Maybe you have tons of people treating you the same, or even better than I do. Good for you. I can't give you anything better than this I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you met me.

Oppa. You can save the effort of visiting everyday. It's quite pointless already. It doesn't prove anything. You're free to go. So please don't lie to me that you're coming back.

Why can't you just tell me you won't. So I have a proper reason to let us go? I just wish no matter what people do to me, at least you, of all people, would never ever lie to me.

It's hurting again tonight.

God. Please.

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cravings

I remember how you told me you never had a craving for food, until you came here and you went back to auckland, and realised that you were missing some foods here.

I guess thats the craving we're talking about,

today i had the craving for durians, but i havent exactly recovered from my cough. there's still one thick slab of phlegm i can feel it stuck at the bronchial tubes at the throat. it's disturbing. damn.

I thought only Singaporeans would have a craving for things in only Singapore. I guess I'm wrong. I have a craving for something Auckland, something Korean too. heh.

I don't know what's so irresistable about you. but there's no reason for a craving. you just want it. you just have to have it.

Oppa, how have you been? I know you'd be able to live your life well without me. I've come to terms with that & now, I'm just happy you're happy.

I know you're living life well. but I won't just stop there, because i always just want something better for you. so, oppa, please live better. you deserve everything better.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. but I'll always try harder. (: there's always room for improvement right?

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not easy

i miss you so much. its not fair you're able to find out so much about me with minimal effort while I struggle with not knowing how you're doing now. whether good or bad, i want to know. sometimes I have the urge to just pick up the phone and text you. but I no longer have the courage to do it, because I fear your reaction. So should I be inclined to still think about you or not, i'm not sure anymore.sigh.

it's not easy. if only you'd imagine me in my shoes. if only you'll think about me for once.

you'd realise it's not easy to keep writing like this hoping for the man I love to come back to me.

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errors & the only fangirl left disppointed

reading back at my entries, i realised there are so many mistakes that i've made during my half asleep mode. some sentences i typed didnt even make sense, but i shall not change it. if its not well constructed language, so be it. maybe this reminds me of the flaws of people, and the mistakes people make. i believe as long as i make room for change and forgiveness, everybody can be happy and mark-free again.

yesterday it was a really fun night. this friend of ours has a nickname on instagram. "nokeboi" so HanTiong said that it must have formed years ago when he stood outside of his house, and had no keys to go home, his neighbours must have named him "no key boy", and formed "nokeboi" since. HAHAHAAHHAA.

there are a few mouth slips too against chinese and english. you wont understand. but it's just so funny.

i was damn bad. this guy is bald. i dont know if its by choice or he lost his hair early in his 30s. i didnt dare to ask these questions for you know sometimes it can be quite sensitive. LOL. but i had lunch with him and a girlfriend, xuemin. Not sure if you still remember her, she works in the building as me... i was showing them my new ipad app, i could draw things and type words there. then... i wrote

"이거 오빠 머리 없어요" --->

and held the ipad beside his head. hahahah. :p

thankfully he doesnt understand korean otherwise i'd be in deep trouble. phew... but xue min and i had a good laugh.

and then when i was out with wee ling last night, suddenly i got a text message from Jiamin. she said "oppa liked Wee Ling's photo on instagram"

-_-'''

then she said "he must have missed singapore food a lot". HAHAHAHA.

if you do, please come over and i'll let you have all of your favourites plus everything i haven't let you try. What you tried was not even half of the diversity of food here.

but at the end of the day, my girly emotions took over and wondered, why didnt oppa like my pictures instead :'(

i'm jealous. i am. its the kind of a superstar situation where fans gather round the famous person and those who gets a handshake wouldn't wash their hands for the rest of their lives, and those who didn't would just live in regret that they didn't stretch their hands far out enough or blame themselves for not being there earlier so that they can be closer to the stars.

Wee ling got the handshake. but i don't.

but despite my devoted appreciation, sigh. you're leaving a fangirl in disappointment.

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tired

oppa, you must be tired of hearing me complain about being tired but i cant help it. it's really so tiring. i cant remember the last time i had a full 7 hours of sleep. lately im always sleeping 6 hours or less. then i remembered how i sleep better in your arms. oh. thats feeling. i wonder if from now i can only just feel.

today was such a long day. got to work, after work i had dinner, after dinner i had supper, after supper there was the ice cream. its daniel's birthday yesterday but it was weird to wish him publicly or privately so i didn't. but happy birthday daniel.

and here's the group photo of the day.


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& so this is love.

oppa, I think I grew up a lot during this period of your absence. I think deeper & more rationally. But there's something that probably didn't change. My bones are aching. I think I miss you too much that not only I have a heartache, but also a boneache. HAHAHA.


I miss you. Weather has been cold. The violent draft lifts my little dress up , and my hair gets blown away like those you see in shampoo commercials.I should be pretty like that and I wish you were there to hold me so that I don't get blown away, and to hold me down and shelter me with your sturdy frame and warm embrace.


I miss you. Lets fight life together. It's less lonely that way. & It's only your company I prefer. I don't want anyone else. I like your face, I know I can live with it for the rest of my life. People say you're not handsome, I would tell them this...

 "I can look at him the entire day, everyday, for the rest of my life. Never once did I get tired of it, & I'm prepared to accept the fact that he gets old. Everyone gets old. But there's one thing that I can committ to promise, that even if this face ages, to me, I can choose to remember the past, when it looked younger, but I would always remember the warm hearted, cheeky boy that I first fell in love with, and this face and this man, would the only one that would make me fall in love with over, and over and over, and over again." & so this is love.

iPad mini

Oppa :) I finally got my iPad mini :)) I finally succumbed to temptation & got myself one hahaha :p





Merry Christmas!

I know it's over but I really hoped you enjoyed yourself this festive season. It's better celebrated with me. I'm quite sure, but please make do in my absence.

But this, will be the icing on the cake...

I love you.

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Merry Christmas :)

It pays to be kind & it pays to give. Today it's a very very very busy day.

So many people gave me gifts. These are now sitting on my office table. I so want to eat the Godiva chocolates so I can't to gonna my to office on the 26th.



So the entire day I had to entertain people. Didn't work much :) we could go off at 3pm. But my friend could only go off at 4pm. Different bosses, different treatment heh!

So I went to town for more shopping & ate this.. Butter sales egg pork ribs!! Yum yum!



Merry Christmas oppa. The post office informed me that you've received my parcel. Did you?

Hope you liked it. I sent it to the address you wrote behind my letter. Hope you received and understood the depths of my love for you.

Good night. I'm going to sleep now. :) good night love.
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Did you miss me today? :) I missed you so much oppa. Two days ago, my cousin shuai quan & I were talking about relationships.

All of a sudden, this feeling hit me, & I quickly grabbed his hand& held it. & I went "oh, so this is how holding hand feels like..."

I'm forgetting how it feels like please hold my hand again oppa. It feels so so good.

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Chase the Monday blues away

More present photos. :D I love how the colours are so vibrant. & as long as people are happy, I'm happy too heh!




It's a long day at work. & I need to talk to someone for his poor performance. I'm sorry it's a Monday & I could be spoiling it for you. But what has to be done, has to be done.

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Still trying

Before I sleep, I'm reading this book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". The author highlights the differences in how men and women behave and react in different situations, so it teaches the reader that we should be more aware and understanding when dealing with the opposite sex.

I can imagine your reaction now. Maybe you're skeptical, maybe you're like "what kind of stupid book is this?" Hahaha.

I want to be prepared. Just in case you ever change your mind, I could be a better girlfriend. Maybe I wouldn't throw so many temper anymore. Maybe we can work things out better. Maybe I'll be more careful of what I say to you so you won't feel hurt/affected. I'm not giving up on us yet oppa.

I'm still trying. All that I can to save us.

So please don't give up too.

I'm still here.

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I miss you

Christmas is coming & I miss you. Why won't Santa give me you for Christmas?

I'm just done wrapping presents. Over the weekend I went for a Christmas exchange party. It's so much fun. I'm uploading pictures to Instagram & Facebook soon. You can check it out oppa :)

Sunday, I was too tired to do anything & I had more wrapping to do.










Probably Santa saved the best for the last for me. Maybe next year I'll get something I really want.

I really want you.

"이거 잘생겼어 오빠 주세요" :'(

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Oppa. I can't wake up. I'll blog tomorrow okay? :)) *yawn*


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I'm exchanging Korean with koko.








Peiru: 안녕하세요 !
Koko: 안녕하세요!
Peiru: 저는 Peiru 입니다
Koko: 제 이름은 koko 입니다
Peiru: 만나서 반갑습니다
Koko: 안 좋아해 :/

-_-" how could he.... Pinched his ears! 코코 오늘 진자 나빠! & he looks pretty unhappy now. Hahha




Hahahaha. It's so fun :)

Studies show that people who can entertain themselves are smarter. I must be smart. :/

Hahahah! :)

Then I realized Siri can speak Korean too. I tried her. She's definitely better. Sigh. When can I reach her level?


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wander thoughts

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but I did something today. But its a secret until probably 12 days later.
I'm not sure what I should expect. 

I think I could be allergic to chocolates now. I'm getting better but when I eat, the cough worsens. It worsens like the kind where I'd cough non-stop, and my windpipes contract so much I almost couldnt breathe. or maybe I'm just thinking too much. HAHA. But if I was allergic, then so be it, maybe its a way to make me forget about eating chocolates so my weight would go down more. heh.

in 11 days, it's gonna be three months, and as fast as it seems, it's also slow as hell. especially so when i get some alone time to think about you. You told me, until June, you'd be ready to get me back. I don't really know what it means, because why not now? This is certainly the most confusing thing in the world. But if I just take your words at face value, if in June, I see you again, if, you welcome me genuinely, I probably wouldn't question this "window" period at all, because all I want is just you, and I dont want to spoil it for anything else. This is most ideal a situation. If only we would just live happily ever after.

I'm pretty sure you're my prince charming. All princes are named Edward in some way or another, just like how common "William" is for a prince (:

& you just had to pick my favourite name in the world.

Sigh.

For dinner, I just had a lot of portobello mushrooms. It's too much. I probably wont have mushrooms anymore for the next few months. haha. I ate one that is so huge, its the size of my hands. Scarily big. I put 13 chilli padi into my signature minced garlic and chilli butter portobello mushrooms (that was a mouthful).

All of a sudden, I feel amused, that korea also has chilli. HAHAHA. now that I think about it, i wonder how you survive with all the ketchups in New Zealand. I heard in Europe, chilli is very very rare. I went to New York, and they don't even have chilli sauce in Macdonalds, nor the supermarkets. & their chilli isn't the fruit, when they say chilli it refers to the spicy tomato sauce with minced meat most commonly found in mexican food. I haven't been to New Zealand so I don't know.

How good if I were to go there to experience it myself. But I want to go to New York again too. :/ & we haven't gona to Korea together yet. I promise I won't be such a annoying princess as I was when we went to Phuket. HAHA. I do have a really bad temper I admit. I'd be nicer to you. I'll give you limitless angry-free Peiru pass.

Recently jia min kept craving for sam chon's cooking. She wanted to go there but I was too ashamed to visit him. I mean I can still go there, but I don't know what to say. What if he asks about you, what should I reply? That I didn't treat you well enough and you ran away? Or that I wasn't good enough for you?What if he asks how are you doing, I don't even know how to answer that. Should I even tell him we're no longer together? All these little unforeseeable possibilities, just deters me from going there again. It's best I don't get to see him then. Sigh.

I havent experienced enough things with you. We were supposed to get drunk together. On your last day here, I bought you a bottle of heineken for your lunch. We forgot about it and its still sitting inside my fridge. I would get you some high grade Choya, I know you loved it so much. There's still so much food in Singapore I haven't introduced you yet. You kept eating the taiwanese oyster noodles. HAHA. you're so cute.

just come back to me already. 

Start small

I'm busy packing my orders late at night. I have a couple of buyers now :D I like what I'm doing heh! I just wished I had more stocks to sell ! Hahha.

I wish I can do it big enough so I can quit my job and go into this full time. Wait till I establish my customer base first. :)
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Pricks

I walked past durian shells & the aroma of the yellow squishy fruit not only made me crave for it, but also, it reminded me of how sweet it was to share the fruit together at my dad's place.

As prickly as the fruit is, it sure is harmless. But it pricks my heart, as I'm not even sure when can we eat it together again. It's a kind of life's simplest pleasures, but it's also a kind of hurting memory.

I haven't tried feijoa yet oppa. You ate it without me :( & now, I'm not even sure if I'll ever get to eat it again.

I miss you.

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Good afternoon oppa! :D

My blog shop business seems to be picking up faster hahahaha.

So happy :D

There's even this girl who paid twice the amount, said it's my "tips"!! Hahaha. I literally laughed at that. I just asked her to either get another piece or I'll refund. I must maintain business integrity & leave them all smiling :D

I think I have the business acumen :p

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i remember how its like again

perhaps I've been too busy to even care for myself, I forgot how it feels like to love you.

I've been immersing myself in work, I don't have time for anything at all. When I go to sleep, I just know I think about you. When I wake up, I'd whisper a soft "Godd morning 오빠" as I look out of my window wondering what you're doing. But I feel almost nothing, I'm like a zombie without feelings. Then, I quickly go prepare myself for work.

During these few weeks, I've been thinking why do I not feel anything anymore. Today I finally could slow down my footsteps and think about us again. I think about us everyday, you're my dream man. I cannot bear to call you by your name, because it takes all the intimacy all away. In my heart, when I address you, I'll still remember you as my "honey" or my "darling". And when i think about you again, deeper, and I ransack our past, those tears start to flow again. So I found out, all these while, it's not that I don't love you anymore, It's just that... I just managed to bury my feelings for a little while. When I dig them out, it still hurts as much, and the harder it hits me, the more pain I feel, the more real this love is.

I can't explain how deep I felt for you. You probably won't understand, because you never loved me more than I did for you.Otherwise, you wouldn't leave.

Sunday

My Sunday is lazy. I'm all alone & I refuse to go out. I decided I should rest myself and maybe get something done. I've revived my blog shop & there are some buyers. I'm not sure if I want to take this far because it's a lot of work for very little money, until I manage to make it really on a big scale. The dollars and cents add up, still, I could earn more at work.

But it's okay. Maybe it's worth a try :)

I started on wrapping presents and it's super tedious. Sigh. If you were here I know you'd massage my hands for me :) if you were here I'd feed you chocolates & beer & just lie on the bed with you watching tv and kiss.

Life sounds so perfect like that on a Sunday.

:(

On a happier note, see what I did to my laptop oppa.

From this....



To this!!!






Now I won't struggle when I try to type Korean on my keyboard. I'll memorise it sooner or later. But for now, I want to fill my mind with images of you.

Just because I miss you.

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Christmas

Christmas is coming, and I bought lots & lots of gifts for everyone so everyone feels remembered, whether they are close to me or not. It's to thank my colleagues effort to help me get where I am today, & the friends who stood by my side whenever I need, & as for you, my lover who ran away, what do I do?

I'm not Christian, so this occasion is merely an excuse to celebrate something. If I may have a present from Santa, I only have one wish.

All I want for Christmas is you.

& despite all my generousity, you're the only person in the world I won't share. I wish those words I wrote on your belly was tattooed onto you.

Christmas, please be good to me.

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Shanghai Dolly

Just came back from my ex-company's event at a club. They booked the club till 10 & we had good fun :D





The number of booze is almost as if it was free flow. Every one had too much to drink. Scary.

Thereafter those who still aren't drunk carried on to another bar at Fern & Kiwi. I think it's a bar for New Zealanders. They even scribbled some Mauri on the menu. I'd bring you there if you were here. :)

It was fun. Friday the 13th ain't so bad after all :))

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christmas shopping

went for some christmas shopping today & I bought lots of stuffs for my loved ones. Heh. (:

Was too sick though. I went with xue min to this place where they have lots of ideas for useful gifts and i got some things for myself and friends and colleagues. Thereafter, I had some afternoon tea and went to town to find shuai quan and his girlfriend for dinner. But the dinner wasn't sick people food, so I didn't eat any. I got some light japanese sushi and grilled meat sticks and that's dinner.

I wished I could get some love pills from you too. HAHA. oppa you must be like "WTF are love pills" Must be viagra or something. HAHAHAHA.

tomorrow I guess I'm visiting the chinese doctor. I think it could be more helpful. ):

Quick learner

I think my progress in Korean seems to be too fast. What if you won't find me cute anymore when I can speak fluent Korean? :(

Why am I so smart? Sigh. HAHAHA

오빠! 잘지 내 꿈꿔~ I'm sleeping now :)


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Just good to think about it

Oppa, it's Friday already. Have you planned anything fun? :) but tomorrow's Friday the 13th. I hope superstition doesn't always come true. Anything can happen. Just stay safe. I was supposed to go out with Jia min again. I met her for a quick dinner today :) & she bought me Chinese herbal tea. I'm still coughing.

I think it's waiting for you to soothe it. Maybe it's a emotional scar. If you were here probably I wouldn't cough as much, because I'd rather choke than to wake you up from your sleep, & I'd rather suppress it than to let it disturb you with the noise with me coughing every 5 seconds. On the other hand, I'll probably not let you know so you won't worry for me.

But now, I can only think about having you beside me. I'm sorry to be selfish like that. But I just want you here. Not like it's possible anyway.

It's just nice to think about it. Heh.
& I'm smiling non-stop now. Thinking about your handsome face, manly voice & the comforting arms and body & the really assuring look and the strength of grip of your hands.

Then, my fingers trace the outline of your imaginary face of your disappearing image.

& then you were gone.

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Hmm

I really want to deliver this piece of good news, but I'm not sure how good it is for now. I don't want to be too happy just yet. When it's finalized then maybe I'll share with you. So for now I won't jinx it.

God please help me. :)

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morning!

안녕오빠! :D


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The first one.

I'm not sure what I feel anymore because I feel almost nothing. But, the first thing I think about when I wake up it's still you. The last person I think of until I fall asleep is still you. It must mean something.

I don't know how much I miss you. I just know I do. If we were meant to be together, I just hope we came from the same place, then maybe the separation wouldn't feel so great. I want to meet you again In my next lifetime. Every night, I'd pray that we'd meet in a much simpler circumstance. Perhaps we can be childhood friends, then we grow up to marry each other... Or perhaps we'll just stay as best friends, because that way, I'd never lose you again.

Oppa.
Don't walk away.
Come back.
I'm here.
Where are you going?
Turn back oppa.

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Oppa, today I got off work earlier :) I was feeling tired. So I decided to give myself a day's off. But office is exciting. It's getting more exciting. I can't wait to tell you about it.

:( but where are you.


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Good morning oppa! Today I'm buying my colleagues breakfast so I woke up an hour earlier :) so, last night, I decided to sleep earlier too!

Everyday is like a battle. I've become this full fledged leader. Everyday I handle so many questions from people of so many backgrounds & want to assert their experiences. I'm not sure what kind of leader I want to be. I can go with the flow, accept their ideas and waste time, or suggest my shortcuts to win our project some time. Asserting comes with challenges. Everyday once I step out of my room, it's like a war front all over again. I have mixed feelings about it.

I just wish at the end of the day I can see you. And all my anxieties would be like *poof!* and gone with the wind.

How good it is, to see you at the end of the day, make good fun out of it, throw all our adulthood away and be childlike at night, adult in the day.

You're the still the best ;)

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오빠!

Hahaha. I can't wait to, if I ever have the chance, to show off my Korean to you. Heh :)

Did you have a busy day? I experienced a really busy day. But to end on a good note, my boss left me food & a really sweet note while I was away from my table, & it says this :) My boss is so nice right! :D aww <3



After a long day's work, maybe someday, I'll make you food while you slog outside at work, then you'd come home to yummy home cooked food, still piping hot on the table, with a loving wife almost falling asleep on the sofa. When the keys turn, I'd be awaken by the sounds of the door opening, & run to your sweat stained clothes that I'm running in the washing machine a while later, giving you a hug that transfers your entire day's fatigue, torment and unhappiness all onto me. It's your time of the day to rest now, & how good it is, to come home to someone sweet & comforting?

We could have all of this. Only if you want to...

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Why

Oppa. I'm feeling a little down today. Why are you not here with me. Do you feel this sometimes too?

I hate you for keeping to yourself. Why can't we share the bad? Why do you only want the good? Why can't you understand to live together is to go through the good & bad times together? Why do you leave when we experience the bad?

Why did you leave and never came back?

Why did you leave me alone? Can't you see that I need you?

Are you really happier alone?


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Practicing Korean

Since I've got no activities today, I'm staying home to watch this Korean drama & practice my Korean.

My fav line is still this, I should have sold you away while I can. HAHA. "이거 오빠 얼마에요?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

오빠 오백 원이에요. Hahahahahahaha.

I'm just joking :)

How would I ever bear to sell you away, when all I want to do is just to keep you by my side.

:'( what are you doing oppa? I think about this the entire day, hoping one day, you'll change your mind.


& I'd still love you.

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Family dinner

I didn't go for the marathon. Wee ling sent me pictures of the glow in the dark event. I should have been there.










But family is always my priority. :) so here I am... 7 crabs for the entire 3 families :D

I love them so much. Oppa. Please come over for Chinese New Year. I so want to bring 삼천 & you over :) it'll be so fun.

:( I missed you oppa.




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It's complicated

Today is steph's birthday.




Then went to dad's place. I was supposed to go for this 5km marathon. It's a special one because they'll spray glow in the dark paint :( but now, my family planned for a big family dinner, they ordered 7 crabs!! :/ so these 3 love of my life asked me not to go for the marathon them. Oh well, it's family over friends. How can I reject my elderlys? Sigh. So it's bye bye illumi run, bye bye friends, & HI FAM! :D


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Health siren

I'm on my way home. It's 10.50 now. I'm so bloody tired. The headache is coming back & I'm developing a fever soon I guess. I knocked out for a little while at work because of the drowsy cough syrup. But I have statistics to produce for my boss. Still I'll keep pushing through. I must put in my best, only then I know if I reap results, I deserve it :)

It's tiring but fulfilling. Now I'm hungry. Should I eat supper? :p

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Swarmed

I'm so busy today. I can't even afford a day's MC. So once I reached the workplace, I went to the docs just to get more medication. So it's 10.30 am.

I had a quick breakfast, and prepared for a meeting at 11.30 to 1.30. Went to get some good & walk around, I barely sat down & relaxed & lunched, I had training from 3 to 4.15. Then I had to attend to queries & reports. It's about 8pm here now & I'm still at work. I'm pretty sick but I'm not alone. Everyone's sick so I won't complain. I'd just work harder and harder. I like working. It takes my mind off things.

But, even as I work, I still remember to miss you. :)

I'm getting back to work. Good night :)

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Wet weather

Oh! Oppa! I saw the weather forecast. It says in Auckland it's 19 degrees and it's rainy weather too! It's 24 degrees here but I'm already almost freezing. It sucks. Maybe I'm weak. Or maybe I just want oppa you to hug me warmer. Maybe my body's designed like that so I can only be completed with you as my other half. I miss your warmth so much.

Where are you? :(


On the other hand, cold weather makes people sicker. So oppa, please take good care of yourself.
I hope Daniel and dong woo and all of your friends are okay too so you won't worry for them. Heh :D


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Tired

I'm still on a cab on the way home. It's 10.30pm here now. Last night I slept only at 4am & I woke at 7.45am. I realized everyday, I'm only having about 4 hours of sleep. My cough still isn't recovering but I just can't sleep at night. It's been raining everyday in Singapore. Every morning I wake up to a icy room. You'll love it here now :) it's our monsoon season. It's colder, but wetter.

This morning, I woke up to two pieces of good news. I'm afraid telling anyone would jinx it. So I shall wait till things get confirmed before telling you :) but if the deals really get through, the happiness I feel would only be second to the happiness of knowing you. Hahaha.

Though I'm tired today, but I'm doing well, just like any other day. I still hold lots of power & responsibilities at work. I just want to do well in everything I can right now, live a principled life & maybe God would be nicer to me & reward me for being a good girl. I secretly wish God would return oppa to me. Yep, it's between god, you & me, so it's still a secret. Shhhh~~ :)


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Ultimate pick up lines

HAHA. Just to share. I wouldn't want you going around testing this though. Don't let me know if you so. HAHA . But I laughed like crazy over this this morning LOL. :)



& I still would laugh about this. It's still the most awesome one ever. HAHAhA. :) Oppa. I want you here right now. So we can laugh together.


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Workaholic

From today onwards, I'll be working from 8.30 to 10pm everyday. The workaholic in me would do this for the future. I believe my hardwork would pay off one day. It's worth the sweat, the effort. No matter what I reap in the end, at least I've done everything I can. I believe my persistent character will pay off one day. With my kind of devotion to everything, in my life, in my love to you, at least I won't look back & be sorry at myself. :)

Today, I was very touched by something. I can't say it out loud yet, for nothing is set in stone. But I sincerely hope for the very best.
Please give me your blessings too :)

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The One.

I missed you like crazy tonight. No point harping on our past. I'm willing to create new memories together. I'm full of hope for a tomorrow with you. I want you very much. I want you. This passion have never died even for a day. Not even when you decided to leave. I believe this devotion for you will last as long as I want to. I can call it off tomorrow, or I can decide to love you for eternity. But no matter how much I can control my feelings, yours is unfortunately out of my reach. Regardless, for now, there's no intention to change anything about my feelings for you.


I will no longer beg for love. You'll come back if you want to. You know your options. I made it clear enough. You'll be the only man in my life.

& when I promised to love only you, I will.

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insomnia

this week i havent slept well. i've slept less than 5 hours everyday. I don't know why i'm missing sleep so much. I just can't sleep. So when I can't sleep, you flood my head with memories of our yesterdays. maybe it's the incessant coughing too. It seems no matter how much hot water I drink the phlegm won't melt away. Maybe the cold outside chills faster than the hot water I intake.

recently I am addicted to this song by Imagine Dragons, Demons. It's as if you're singing to me. Especially the following parts of the song. I feel like you're still there for me to reach out to, yet we are now almost nothing to each other. You don't ask about me & I'm here still blogging for you. I feel like you want to walk away already, but you won't bear to tell me the truth that all is lost. If there really is that feeling inside you that made you walk away, it's probably the demons to me, because they took you away. But oppa, there's nothing to shelter me from, it's the truth I want to hear. Why leave me hanging when you just want to walk away? but don't worry. I'm used to this. I'm used to this life without you. I'm not saying it's a good feeling, but what I cannot do anything about, there's really nothing I can do. I've done everything I can. But what won't kill me, maybe it didn't make me stronger, but it won't kill me again.

my heart feels nothing now, not even when boys made advances toward me. Nobody means anything anymore.

But it's probably nice to share this song for now. Listen to it oppa. It's my current favourite. I put it on repeat at least a hundred times a day. Heh.

"I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide"

"They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how"

Rainy days

Went for brunch today. It's good.



Wish you were here to share with me.

Went to many places too. Sentosa & town, to eat & rest & eat again.




& I realized the better yoghurt is Greek yoghurt! :D heh! & it's really expensive here. Wished Singapore would make their own.

I'm still sick. I think I'm
becoming sicker again. The sore throat is coming back. When can I ever get well? I want to eat chocolates, sweets & fried food again. It's been raining the entire day, & I feel frozen the entire day. I still believe one day you'll hold me in your arms and hug the cold away.

At times like this, I realise other than my ability to promise to be loyal & to love you for eternity, there's nothing else I could be of use to you. I'm sorry I'm lousy just like that.

But if I had a lover who'd love me this much. I know it's all I'll ever really need.

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Close to you

Heh :) when I blogged, I realized you just visited oppa. Somehow this time coincidence makes things feel wonderful. It's like my blog is literally the only thing that is separating us, that I know you're reading my blog, & so am I. I feel closer to you. Beyond this veil of the internet, I wonder how are you & how have you been. When you've seen worse days, I believe you'd do fine anyhow.

Nowadays, I made some new friends. A 'wilder' group who hangs out later & drinks. I still don't like alcohol & I believe a girl should still stay sober in the night. Plus my cough that hasn't healed, instead of my usual loser orange juice at a bar, I had an overpriced tea on a teabag. But recently I learned to appreciate life a little more, so I hang out with my friends in a bar/pub, sit back & talk the entire night before heading home. This kind of life is laid back & pretty relaxing. I like it.




I've also been reading the bible for the purposes of the interesting stories. & of course, the Korean language. I should really start on my exam preparation for next year. Sigh. Procrastination again.

In 5 hours time I should be having brunch. I'm really tired & I have been surviving only on 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I'm very deprived. So good night to you oppa.

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Wander

Heart throb in soup spoon today. Looks like the Edward Cullen in the twilight series, only better. He looked over our table so many times. Too bad the restaurant closes early & we had to go off early




Company event today & here's my team. Not full attendance though. I still shine bright like a diamond :p new joiners included. Maybe I can go for Japanese now.


Office spread. Good food. Good life.


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I knew

I knew when I spoke to you for the first time, I was in trouble.

& yes I was. I knew I'd fall in love with you. & damn, I did.

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Eccentric couple

We used to be like this. I want to be weird again


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Good day

Today was good. Busy as usual though. The week is getting rough. But I'm surviving well.

They say with great power comes great responsibility. Yes. Indeed.

IPL session 3 tomorrow. HEH. :) I'm gonna be hairless soon in a few more sessions! :p


Recently I've been reading the bible, for the purposes of my literature. & I'm finding something more reliable to believe in. Other people tell me I must have faith.

Probably having faith means I can believe again.

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How time flies

It's the 27th again, it's been 2 months. How time flies. But I just wished time would go sooner, because I can't wait to unfold the future. But it scares me too, because I'm scared to uncover what I don't expect, & what I already expected. Life it getting too hard like that.

Why can't you make it easier for me. Why.

& how time slows down, when I'm actually thinking about how far away June is.

:( I miss you. How much you ask?

A hell lot. You were the world to me. & I think you still are.

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Silent kisses

I didn't blog doesn't mean I didn't miss you oppa. I've just been too busy that I go home at 10 plus 11 everyday. You know how engrossed & serious I get when it comes to my work. :) but every 5 seconds your face pops up inside my head to say hi. HAHA. 진자! :)


I bet you're working hard too. Jiayou! :D

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The kind of man I want

I don't need a perfect man. I just need a man who cared to make me feel special.

I'm not sure if I ever made you feel like you're the most special man out there. I'm not sure if I made you constantly go "why did she choose me?"

It'd be a gift, that if I ever find a man, he would go Without a care in the world, only look at me like there's no other girls out there, and tell me that to him, I'm the most beautiful one despite my flaws.

You would defend me in front of other people, if they ever had any misconceptions about me and believe me when the world is against me.

I don't know about you oppa. But to me, you did gave me that feeling before, whether you meant it or not, I don't know.

Maybe we met the right person at the wrong time. I'm sorry if you feel that way. But I don't really believe in this. If the love was there, it would fight against any circumstances & it never has to be a lone battle.

I'm sorry I'm forced to fight one. It didn't have to be like this. But I don't know how to fix a broken love. I'm not sure if my persistence means anything to you at all.

I just know you're worth fighting for.

If this is the kind of thing you like, I'd give it to you. I've given everything to you. & I would fight for you.

But you make me feel like there's nothing to fight for.

I'm glad I'm still young enough. Maybe years is what it takes. I just know don't want to live with regrets. With you, I experienced the best kind of love together. This separation is taking too much away from me. I don't want to live like this.

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Pretty?

Took a selfie today. & I think I'm really white. So white I reflect light off my body. Look at my arms. HAHA....

My friend said I have a pitiful look. LOL. What???! :) I'd say I have a pining look. I've been pining for you for a long time now. It's 3 days to two months. It's not romantic to count like that.

Sigh.

Anyway. Have a good day ahead oppa. 안녕!



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This one book

I suddenly remember I've got this one book, where I recorded down our meetings & things we talked about when we just met each other.

I don't dare to open it, I'm afraid I'll cry again.


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Love sick

It's been the 3rd week & I'm still not healed. I've been taking to the bed & slept for super long hours & everytime I sleep I don't know if I'll ever wake up. I'm too young for that kind of scare now I guess HAHA. I wish I get well sooner.

I've been busy with outings & work. Friday night chilled at tanjong pagar, had my favourite chilli pasta with my new colleague, Qi yuan & shuai quan. Oh yes my cousin is back!!

Saturday I heeded my friend's advice. They said probably some
exercise would heal me. But I played badminton for 3 hours, yet my cough still is as bad. Sigh. Why won't I heal 😭.

Oppa, I'm sorry I'm so weak. I never used to be like this. I used to heal faster. Maybe your leaving was right, because if I'm sick I can't take care of you, I don't want it to be the other way round, a man shouldn't trivialize over small matters like this. Maybe another girl with a stronger body should fit you better.

Now I see it better.

But i dreamt about you. That you were here & took care of me, brushing hair off my forehead gently & you planted a little kiss. With your loving & sweet voice, I heard you saying "it's all gonna be okay my love...you'll get well soon"

Then i wake up to the truth & become all kinds of sick all over again. I must be too sick that I hallucinate & am so delirious.


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Little confession

Oppa, even if what's left of us is a dying, flickering fire of hope on the candle, I'll find more wick & wax so it'll keep burning... Until you decide to blow it out.

Meanwhile, I'll press on.

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Our predicted fate

I happened to read what I wrote on the 12 of February 2013. So everything turned out to be within my prediction. While I loved you more since then, you're still the same. You never promised anything. True. I expected too much from you perhaps. All these imaginary dreams we once built, are now gone with the wind. We talk about the perhaps; you probably knew it then, that we wouldn't last. I'm not sure. Being bitter about everything doesn't matter much now. It just triggered a wave of emotions over me. It's okay.

It's only just a dream.

But you were real to me.
I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'd be extremely busy I foresee.

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Presents

Kaiwei just came back from Germany. That makes it my 2nd fav place in the world. I got so much goodies :D & oppa, remember those peach gummies you loved when you were here, you practically finished all of it.

Now kai wei gave me a really big bag, & if I knew your address I would still mail it to you, without the poison I promise. HAHAHAHA.

Just kidding oppa.

Every now and then, when I buy something I like, I'd buy two. I just have the habit, I didn't realise why too. I thought I'm afraid that if I finish my first packet I need to have the 2nd packet to satisfy my additional cravings. But no, I ended up having a bag of snacks in the fridge and outside. Then I realized. Oh, I've been buying for you too.

So when I can't finish my additional snacks now, I bring it to the office. Oppa, if you are ever back, you know I'll always get more for you. :'(

You must be really busy now. Please take care of yourself. Don't get sick yeah.

& here's my goodies heh!


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I'm still trying

Oppa, I saw this segment on a show. I'm sorry it's not original but I adopted it because this is what I would have told you. I added my own lines too, with the help from jia min. I'm still trying to learn your language, & trying for you. &; this is what I would like to tell you...

나 사실 겁이 많아요
공포영화 볼때 눈도 못 뜨고
높은 데 가면 다리가 후들거려요
하지만 제일 무서운 건
당신을 볼 수 없다는 것이다

오빠 사랑해. 오빠도 날 사랑했잖아. 그런데 지금 왜 그 사랑하는 느낌을 다시 찾을 수 없는거니?

Really, really afraid to lose you. But I still lost you anyway. Really really want to be yours, but you rejected me anyway. No matter what I did for you, all I want is to be the nicest person I can be to you in the entire world. But it seems like no matter how hard I try, no matter what kind of effort I put in, I reap nothing still. I'm not really okay. Nobody in the world can ever be cool about losing their love, what's more, you're the man I loved most. But at the same time, I don't want your pity. To love you, and to continue to love you after we're done is a choice I've made. So don't give me sympathy, don't say sorry. I hate to hear sorry from you most. Because you're just telling me you won't do the same for me, & it's a reality I want to come to terms with on my own pace.

Maybe you're thinking, why do I still love you, after all that's happened. I could only say, because I just love you for you. It's cliched, I know. but I guess what makes me surprised is despite me seeing all your shortcomings, I can still love you this much. I could make a list, please don't be sad because no one's perfect, I could make a list for myself too. But I could see your beauty beyond those imperfections.

For others, maybe if they good & bad to me, I'll remember only the bad stuffs. With you, even if the good and bad stuffs transpired, I forget about the bad almost immediately the next day. Oppa, I think this breakup is so painful I'm losing memory unconsciously of us. Maybe in future we can make new ones again. But I'm scared of losing our past too, because I want to remember how I fell in love with you. I want to remember how you used to love me too. So here I am, trying to recall everything good we went through before I truly forget involuntarily.

1. Our first meeting, how you came to my table at the Corner Place and talked to us. I tried speaking to you in korean & you shyed away
2. How you came by our table before we went away, leaving your facebook and number and you told the group "I wish someone would bring me around...." then you pointed towards me and said "especially you"
3. How we texted, & you said you'd be my star/moon, following me around whever I am
4. How we met at Newton Circle, had a hearty talk and you charmed me with you wits and humour
5. How you held my hand & how it tingled my heart & made my heart pump so fast my hands are shaking, but because you help it so tight you probably didn't feel it
6. How our day ended awkwardly, decided never to contact you again but eventually did
7. How we went for a scary movie & you held my hands again. What an opportunist you Oppa (:
8. How you didn't care how I was so anxious about my homework and brought me to eat sushi
9. How you kissed me at the staircase in Yishun after our movie
10. How happy you looked eating crabs
11. How you loved and embraced our local foods like the oyster mee sua, fried chicken, bubble tea, noodles and all
12. How romantic everything can be even if its just a simple walk to the jetty behind my house, walked from Yishun to Khatib, talked about everything in at the playground in the garden
13. How hard you hugged me as if everytime were the last time
14. How you rested comfortably on my thighs (I admit I once hated it, but I did change my mind)
15. How you always tried to push me away while you smoked
16. How you massaged my legs when I said they were aching or cramped
17. How you shyed when youtry to tell me something romantic
18. How we painted our future under my cousin's apartment, when we kept sneaking out & talked as if we were married
19. How you impulsively said "lets get married" one day right before you left for New Zealand for the first time, but later took it back
20. How you washed the plates despite your allergy to detergent because you wanted to do your part after I cooked
21. How you praised my cooking even though it's not the best in the world & finished the entire thing because you didn't want to waste my effort, despite being already too full
22.  How you told everyone that "this girl, I want to marry" to your uncles, to Nicky, to everyone you see
23. How you pouted when you didn't know what to do when I was angry
24. How manly you were even when you scolded me
25. How someone like you would cry over me.
26. How you came back for me one day after you left with your luggage
27. How you texted me even though it's not your favourite mode of communication
28. How you kept calling when you reached New Zealand & tried to skype
29. How you take pictures and told me you want to bring me there next time
30. How you take notice of what I like & try to give it to me, like the piece of chewing gum you got from Nicky and pictures of planes
31. How you sang to me in my cousin's place because you wanted me to know those lyrics which were then from the bottom of your heart
32. How street smart you are
33. How well you interacted with my friends
34. How my friends and family equally loved you
35. How your uncle treated me with so much kindness by virtue of our relationship
36. The gentle way you kissed me, and my forehead sometimes
37. How you were angry with me because you felt helpless when I had a serious toothache
38. How you loved Choya and kept drinking till you got yourself drunk
39. How much you used to miss me, and bothered telling me
40. How you say "I love you" several times a day. It's the best feeling on earth to be reminded that you loved me
41. How cute your friends were, especially Daniel and Dong Woo
42. How cheeky you were all the time
42. I loved bickering with you, & then you pretend that you've lost, but you just let me win anyway
43. How you looked into my eyes, with so much passion I could feel the love already
44. How you put your hands supporting my head the entire night and you told me it wasnt numb at all
45. How you piggy backed me from the convenience store behind my house when my slippers broke & even though I was so heavy, you tolerated all the way until I went home
46. How you sometimes whisper to me
47. How you made me "pregnant" in the MRT & we laughed so much over it
48. How you had those funny pictures and sent them to me. My favourite was still the sick frog. HAHA.
49. How you wished you were a more accomplished man before you asked my dad for my hand
50. How reluctant you were when you said "Lets break up."

I could go on. But let's face it, everything good would eventually come to a stop anyway. But one thing that would never stop I guess, is that my heart would forever beat for you. "Right here honey, right here", was what you used to tell me, pointing to your heart, telling me I'm right there, and that you're right in front of me.

"One day, one day" was also your trademark line. I remember how cheeky you always sound when I fooled you sometimes, and that you would get back at me one day. HAHAHA.

we were so good together. We were so good together ...

My love for you would one day move God. I don't wish for him to return you to me now.

Just be happy my love. Just be happy, for me.

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Chinese breakfast

If i knew we were shortlived, I would have squeezed what I could have offered you within the short time span god gave us. I have so much to offer, I haven't shown you the entire of my world. It's maybe too mundane or too interesting to you, I'm not sure, but I definitely wouldn't make you feel bored. If you are, I'll try to liven it all up, just for you.

I'm not sure if Koreans eat this, but this is one of the bestest breakfast I swear by. Half boiled eggs with a toast spread with kaya and butter. I'm not sure if you know what it is but I'm quite sure this is what you'll like to eat. :)

I'd make you this Chinese breakfast sprinkled with lots of love. But for now, please just make do with a picture :) it's 10 times yummier than it looks :)

I want to cook for you again. Everyday & until my hands can no longer cut the meats, wash the plates, or hold the pots & pans.



I love you. Isn't this enough for you?

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Why is life so cruel to me

I wanted to put you behind me so I'll leave you in peace. Really. But look at my readings, even as I'm trying to work hard, there you are again. Look at her birthday. I don't know if I should laugh or cry Edward. Why. HAHA



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settling down

today i thought about the concept of settling down. It struck me when I was studying at a pace of 20 pages per 6 hours. It's not very productive but I'm settling down well. It is the momenteum that keeps me going faster and faster. At least I'm learning something and preparing well for Friday's paper.

On an unrelated note, I was just thinking, when I was young, I used to think that renouncing my citizenship in Singapore, gather all my government savings, I could live quite comfortably in NZ, rearing sheeps and cows. But now I thought about it, I am so naive. Who would love rearing sheeps now. I used to believe that you could be that guy who didn't mind to just live minimally just on a few bottles of beer, come back to a wife preparing dinner for you, and just have each other for all time.

But I see how you've transformed. You want more things in life. i don't know what's the meaning behind your pursuit. You're willing to give me up when you used to tell me I'm your world and everything. Maybe one day when you achieve it you'll feel accomplished. I know you're the kind of person who never regrets anything you do in life. That's what I loved about you. & I just never realised this trait of you would come and bite back at me.

i don't know what to say anymore. & I don't know what & who I should believe anymore.

you're a fairytale stealer. You said it affected you when I told you I feel like a broken toy. What happened to that guy. Where is he now x_x,

But on second thoughts, If you think we're worth the sacrifice for your career, I'll support you. (:
I'd be the last woman on earth to want to hinder you. jiayou Edward kim. (: 

why can't we just be friends?

i don't understand why people are like that. Why must everything be mixed with passion? Why can't we just be friends?

So today you called me, and asked about me. Oh. So you remind me that people do care a whole lot about me. but then, you're not willing to drop by to see how I'm doing, because i'm not willing to be your "friend with benefits". I asked you "why can't we just be friends?" he said "because you're attractive, I dont know, it just happens."

Hi "friend", I don't need you, I'm not flattered & you're just a jerk. You're dead to me. Don't ever let me see you again.

It seems that such things keep happening to me. Why can't boys be decent to me. I really just want a good, honest, loving man. Not one who only wants to appreciate my superficial appearance.

Boys, I'm deeper than that. If you're so shallow, back off. Plus, my heart is not available.

Oppa, if only you could pull me away from these people. If only you could.

Estranged

I was thinking... We've become so foreign to each other, like how it's been before we met. It's like life is a circular journey. We started as strangers, and Somehow we got to meet each other, & somehow we became strangers again. Maybe we will become lovers again. This circularity is so intriguing & full of wonder. Everything you do is asking me to give up hope, yet everyday you motivate me to write just so that when you visit I have something to show you. I'm not sure if this is your form of reciprocation. Even if it is, I'm glad that there's still this thin cord of communication still holding us together. I cannot imagine how things would turn out few months down the road. But I'd like to believe you're the Prince Charming in my fairy tale. This is everything I've dreamed about since I have the consciousness & intellect to realize that every one of us, our ultimate goal in life is not to earn the big money, or get a really impressive cert, but it really is to find a soulmate or a lifetime partner so that we have someone to share anything we have in abundance. Having you to share my happiness & everything else makes my life more meaningful. I'm not sure how far my persistence will go, I just know I have to.

Because you're the only one I want to put meaning into my life.
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Late

I'm behind schedule. I'm supposed to be asleep & wake at 12pm to start on my studying again right before the exam. But the cough is blocking my windpipes & the phlegm is preventing water from going down. I can feel water stuck in my throat. Gosh. Yuck.

But here I am at 5.30am coughing away. I wished someone was here stroking my back and put hot towel on my chest so maybe it'd melt the phlegm, expand my breathing passage so I can breathe better. I lost my voice and I can't talk. I think my windpipes are pretty damaged. I accidentally poured this Chinese medicated oil into my nose and my nose is burning from the super strong menthol effect. HAHA. How stupid of me. I meant to rub a small amount only. Last warning to me.


Oh well. Everything would be fine after exams. But no, after exams I'm working my ass off for the company. I'm a workaholic. If I don't see I'm doing my best I'll disappoint myself. Plus there must be a lot of work lagging behind because I've taken a really long break for my exams. Damn.

Oppa. I missed you. I wish I'd take a plane there right now & I want to feel your warmth again. It's like the best ever. Okay. Tonight I'll fantasize about you. I'm already imagining koko hugging me and all. Let's not go down to the details *insert cheeky face*


Hope your day would be better than yesterday today. :)

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Panic attack

It's the exams tomorrow. I'm not prepared. It's hard. I'm beaten. Excessive coughing like an old man. Yet I dare not take my cough syrup because I'd get drowsy.

& I. :(

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Excess

I'm living in excess. I have too many material things & I just came to a point I feel like I have too many things. I want to be mobile. I want to be able to detach myself easily from anywhere & go to you. I have 2 iPod touches, a MP4 player & a kindle & an extra iPhone that I don't use at all. I have a camera, a Polaroid camera when just the iPhone would do the same job. I have tons of clothes, half of which I don't use and too many pairs of shoes for only one pair of feet. I used to buy things & put it there just in case I need it. Sometimes it proved to be useful. But it still doesn't change the fact that hoarding is taking too much of space. I just need a computer, 1 pencil & my brain to port myself over anywhere. I've stopped spending on myself for a very long time, yet I find I probably should do something about my extras.

I don't need excess company too. I just need 1 reliable one. Or many reliable ones will do too. Friends are the only category where more is better. Maybe money too but I'm not bothered by that.


Now that my life is complete. I only need one more thing. One more thing. :)

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Positivity

I don't know why every time it has to happen when I'm having exams. Right before the day of exams I must contract a fever, & a really serious cough. I went back to the doctor and he recognized me, he went "have I seen you before?" I said "yes, one week ago and your medications are not working" I'm not trying to undermine his professionalism, just that he sought to justify and in reaction to my comments. He was explaining how my body is fighting the virus & the phlegm in excess is the body's way of trying to heal. Yes yes I know it, but give me my medicine already.

Sundays practice costs are heavier. Why are medications so expensive. Luckily I hardly have to pay because I'm insurance covered. Phew.




*Cough cough cough* hahahaha. I'm glad I can still laugh. Heh! It's nothing. I'm two steps away from freedom. :)) tomorrow, Friday, then oh yes! Oh yes :)


"Never say die" would be my motto till the end of the week. :) heh! Oppa! Jiayou too!

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Turn taking

Today I've slacken a little. Maybe I feel confident for Monday's paper. HAHA. But no, I'm not. I'll spend tomorrow studying with another friend at the library. Tomorrow's gonna be hell of a day. :)

But today, as usual, there's the little void in the heart. My laptop is breaking down faster & faster by the day. I've been contemplating if I should get a MacAir instead but I'm worried about the compatibilities of the software a with my school work. A windows work better. So my very kind cousin took the trouble to come pick my laptop up from my house, he was so nice because he was so considerate that I had an exam & he didn't make me travel. He engaged his friend to help fix it, so I save on repairing costs as well. I'm so blessed with a loving relative & the help from an unknown person is so heartwarming. I would say my day has been great.

& also, thanks Yan Shan for being so helpful. But I've got a more immediate help here, but thank you for being so passionately involved & concerned about my laptop.

Haha. All these uproar about my broken laptop, I must have accumulated so much good karma that people around me pay attention so much to even the little things that bother me in life. Life is good. I'm very blessed.

To add on to the good news of the day, I've been complaining of boredom today. & then at 8pm I received a random call. I missed it. But I quickly called back. It was Qi yuan. He asked "so what are you doing now?" I politely engaged a conversation with him for the next 5 mins. Then he said that it was Vincent's mother's birthday, so they're gonna give her a celebration & hangout there. He invited me. I was like "oh yes! Finally I can have an excuse to go out & probably I'll study there". Then he went "I'm already waiting for you at the car park downstairs"

Aww. Why do I have such good friends who can read my mind. & Jia min is missing half the day today. But we're contemplating & making after exam plans already. Can't wait for all these to be over. YAYA a :)

Enough about me oppa. How are you? I think you're busy nowadays. I'm not sure. I hope you're getting your hands really good on that tinting trade. 화이팅!
ㅎㅎㅎㅎ

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Optimism

내가 앞으로 만나게될 그 얻던 여자도 페아루보다 더 좋은, 나를 더 좋아해줄 사람은 없읅가라는거 알아요. 그래서 나 당신에게 올인할꺼에요. 고마워요 !

You told me this before. I'm not sure if you still remembered. But yes, it came from you. Because of these little things, i fell in love with you deeper & deeper. I'd like to know if you ever regretted saying it. Because if you hadn't, maybe I wouldn't have fallen so deep.

But if you asked me, if I regretted believing in you. You should know the answer. I never regretted being with you. This might be the greatest love I'll ever experience. Maybe there are others, but I'll set this as my favourite. I'll set you as my favourite. :) I'll always love you like this. You've put your cards on the right person. & I'll respect your same decision to leave.

& I'm not sure what would happen in future. But I'm optimistic. Maybe you won't love me again. But if one of us stops now, we'll never have a chance. You left, but it doesn't mean I'll have to stop loving you too. If I quit so easily, you've just put your eggs in the wrong basket. So I can't quit just yet. You deserve the best. If you ever find a better one, I'd be happier too.

오빠, 사랑해요! ^^

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If I'd known earlier

If I knew our love was so short lived, I would have loved you more. It seems like to you, nothing is ever enough. But I'm glad you chose the right person, because I have a boundless capacity to keep showering you with all the love in the universe.

To you, I would never say "take it or leave it". Because the Peiru you knew, is still the really polite one. :) only to you, no matter how you reject, time and again, I'd still say, "oppa. Please take it. Don't feel like you owe me anything. You don't have to repay. Just take it. You can have it all."

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Why so strong headed

I'm on my way to school now for my 3rd paper. All is well but not so well. A cute young Korean boy is sitting beside me on the bus, about 3 years old. I have a really soft spot for little boys. They melt my heart.

Yet you too, though no longer a boy, you melt my heart in so many ways. The little things you do for me, no matter how small, how atomic, I can see the good in everything. Even now, that this happened, I rationalize all the possibilities that there's some good in your decision to break us up. I'm not sure if I am right, but it lessens the pain, & I continue to believe in you despite your denial of us.

Even if it were a lonesome battle, you're worth all my efforts.

But sometimes I wished I were just a simpler girl. Maybe if I knew how to let go easier I won't be feeling the full weight of the pain.

Oh & good news. I got my scarf back. Yay. :) - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

today...

I just... Miss you.

refocus

Being alone in the room studying isn't any good. Sometimes when the mind wanders, involuntarily I sink into another bout of self reproach. In some ways I am at fault. & the fact that I'm now alone makes me really think about the unfolding of events. How and what I did changed things. Now, it didn't matter who was in the wrong. But it mattered that I hadn't apologized enough. I don't want to think about "if given another chance, would I have done the same?" I must be in the wrong for you to leave. no doubt about that, because if I were so good, why the circumstances now?

This breakup humbles me. I'm not that good a girl. not that good a girlfriend. & it makes me wonder, if I already done my best, what is better to you? As time shaves my frozen heart away, as time erodes my dying faith, I would still pine & yearn, about the better times we could have had & the day you went away.

These few days I thought I've healed. I haven't. It's coming 2 months in 13 days. Why do I want to be so stubborn still, to think you're the only one.

I'm a hopeless romantic. If we're still together, I'd tell you this.

 "I hope you don't mind you weren't my first. But, please be my last love."

Intuition

I should have walked away & follow my intuition. So why did I allow myself to even question myself today, the question of "why".

Progress necessitated change. But I'm sensitive to changes. If you can't be considerate, don't rouse this love.


Being stagnant isn't bad all the time. The greatest kind of love comes in the form of being stagnant, which could then spell everlasting. It is stable, it never fluctuates, the kind of intensity remains from day one to our last day. It would be immensely deep, too difficult for outsiders to fathom, too easy for us to understand. I need a man who would have the same kind of devotion like that.

If I only believe, god would send me one.

Yet I chose to put my last bet on you.

Why did my intuition sway. & I keep asking myself the same.

& I realized there's no answer to that.

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Sense of loss

It's another paper down. & I brought my loved scarf into the exam hall. I realized I lost it after, yet I didn't feel anything much.

I can only attribute it to a number of reasons, let's consider the following:

1. I have no attachment to material things.
-if this is the case, I must be a really desirable woman.

2. I'm used to losing things of some value to me, I don't know what to feel anymore

3. It's just a scarf.
-to be fair, it's not.

4. I've lost something more important in life, this is relatively insignificant.

But at this juncture, my feelings are numbed. I'm combating a lot of things.

I'm affected by something though. It's suffocating to not be able to voice it here. It's disappointing and discouraging. 我的心声是为你而写的, 你也许最近很忙，但我以为你还会在你最忙碌的行程里掏出一点心思来聆听，但你连这一点心意也没有. 我们的相隔只能让我们不断的猜测。不，只有我一个在不断的猜测，因为我似乎关心多一些。但这也许有一个危害很大的效果，那就是万一猜错了，必定会留下连续不断的误会，再加上你的沉默，这爱情将会失败的很彻底。我为我们无法建造的未来而哭泣，就算要责备，也不知到底是谁对谁错。咳！你不再读，我还应该坚持吗? 盲盲地坚持，有结果吗？我很矛盾，我猜不透你的想法, 这感觉让我感到十分困扰. 那极度的纳闷，该如何化解，我要怎么做才能让你回来？以这份真挚的爱来爱你， 爱你， 难道不够吗？

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improvement

it doesn't hurt that much today. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last.

Jordan proposed to his girlfriend. I'm so happy for them. (: Just made me wonder when will it be my turn. But doesn't really bother me now, since I don't have a target as of now. HAHA. this is too distant a thought.

I just know the trick to forget is to impose these feelings of attachment to something more tangible. Pining & loving you blindly won't bring me anywhere. neither would it bring you here. & the tricky part is you've become part of me so I can't shake these memories away that easily.

When I'm ready, I'll fully let you go. But oppa, please don't blame me for not being able to right now. I can't. I really can't. Let me hold on to us a little while longer.

Just a little while longer. (: 주세요! 

another paper tomorrow! i can do this! As it gets closer, it just gets easier (:

Aww

I'm so happy for the people who didn't trivialize the pre-exam anxiety. Thanks Ashika for calling, because she thought "messages aren't powerful enough" to send her blessings, & thank you for not cursing me this time :D HAHA. Thanks to Jia min for the super lovely recording over whatsapp . It made me laugh, & perhaps it's just what I needed to relax my clogged brain. Thanks to kaiwei & Yanshan for the continuous support through the relentless encouraging in text. In times like this the small gestures augment to really mean a lot in the deliverance of support. The solidarity makes me cry. I'd say this time & again, for I can never ever say enough of it to match the support these girls provide me,

I love each and everyone of you. Boys don't matter today. :)

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Asian blood

Having Asian blood is to feel the anxiety despite feeling pretty prepared for the exam. It's 5 more hours yet my heart is racing. I'm too old for this. My mind is going blank. I need to rest. So perhaps I'll sleep for an hour an wake up again :) I'm only half confident. I hope everything I studied for comes out heh :)

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Weep

I cry too easily. I'm still recovering. Every single minute that passes is like god is simultaneously rubbing salt on my wound, yet ironically the very action of it has an antiseptic function. So am I healing or not? I'm not sure. I just know every breath I take is living reminder of every loss and every gain I've experienced in my life.

Today I woke up in emptiness. Again. It's a familiar feeling I have to get used to from now. In fact, since a very long time ago. A friend brought me to the doctor but I have to come home alone. I got lunch & I enjoyed it over my show, as per normal. Yet somehow, I cried in the middle of it. I was probably mildly touched by the scenes of it.

And then in the shower, for no particular reason, I cried again.

And then, at night, tears flowed again.

Im not thinking of anything at all. So I'm not sure if it's you. I wished there's a switch to my emotions. Off & poof. & there it's gone. Poof!

I wished it were that easy. But then again, who would love anyone heartless. Having a heart is what makes me who I am. I have an intense capability to feel for someone & for anything for that matter. That's also why I repay gratitude in two folds. That's also why when I love, I love unconditionally & blindly. If no one can appreciate me like that. They don't deserve me. But for those who appreciate, like kaiwei, like jiamin, like Ashika. & many others, they'd be in for a lifetime friendship where I'll unconditionally be forever kind and giving to them.

I'm thankful & I feel blessed. My dad taught me well. & I'm glad I have the most loving father who taught me the value of giving & loving.

Still, the eye tap just won't stop flowing. Why.

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