stupefied

I really am envious of those who gets to go overseas to study. I've lost my chance. Yes, I did have a chance in year 2010, when my dad sprung a surprise call on me. My decision to not going abroad, however, are reasons that i rather keep to myself. Till this day, I'm torn between regret and content.

Nevertheless, I had my share of that miniwealth for my USA trip, of which, I have yet to blog about. All those heavier stuff will come after my exams. For now, I choose to mull over my half-wrong choice with the half-glass-empty attitude and, the regretful part of my being.

I find it hard to speak of my life, because I know its nothing interesting at all. When people ask what I am doing right now, I only have my studies and work to speak about. Unlike those overseas, they have New York, Adeleide, Melbourne, UK, Glasgow, London... etc to narrate about. Even I myself get bored with the things I say. My best attempt to liven things up is to create riduculous identities for myself such as "mahjong queen" and “orchard 小公主" in an desperate attempt to add more dimensions to my stories and self. Now, that is laughable, and not to mention, sympathetic.

I would also attribute my thin and shallow writings to the lack of such experience. Guess books are my only hope now, to open myself up to different genres, cultures, and experiences. But, it's also, vastly different. Of which, I will make up for in quantity.

Just can't wait for the week to be over. Diet plan to materialise. more readings required. grammar books to be completed; balance between work and love, friends and family, mahjong and discipline.

I just wished I can slow down the process of growing up. I don't want to grow up so quick.

All these writing... just blame the exams.

Yeah, today i had an awesome dream. I dreamt that i was one of xmen's gang, a new member recruited to specialise in neutralising the "zombie bomb", something invented by villians to turn xmen into zombies. One of my best works. Don't you think?

I just had to document this despite declaring it over twitter and facebook! HAHA!

I have one more book to conquer and I'm done for the year. Can't wait. it's 3 more days. I hope i deliver. I am going to make it. I swear. I cannot let myself down anymore. sigh.

Too much expectations, Too many dreams.

To the 24 year old me.

Haven't been writing for quite some time, and the culmination of my emotions inside of me is just baffling. Perhaps Virginia Woolf was correct, that writing is a kind of emotional outlet.

I've been dreaming. Not exactly the proudest happenings worth being euphoric over. Perhaps it's just stress teasing my creativity, that I dreamt of the boys of my past all weaved into my ingenious fiction which left me waking up perplexed with some parts of my being wishing that the details be true. I savoured the very moment when I awaken, to find myself still fumbling my way into reality; still lost in transition, yet conscious enough to want to dream that dream again. I struggled to envisage and to place myself back into where I dropped out from the depths of my imagination. But I've come to realise that the more pressing issue was to retain the last bits of sweet memories I had of it. Then it was gone.

The only consolation was that I did have most handsome boys featured. Albeit illusional.

Boyfriend, don't feel sad. You're not phantom. You're the reality. My reality. (:

As I struggle now for my lit examinations, I wonder if all these effort were worth burning the midnight oil. Certainly isn't now, that while I'm typing this, the time could have been better spent on the notes.

Somehow, every step I take forward seems to bring me further from my dreams. I need to pace myself faster. Much faster.

Hope everything will go fine. To the 24-year-old me, when I look back at this post again, be proud to say my worries are unfounded, and i'm just being stupid+silly+hysterical.

Tortured mind

Have been in super low spirits. I wonder why. Maybe I have been expecting too much of others & of myself, that when things don't go my way, I get frustrated & angry. I don't wish for it either, it's just probably one of those days nothing just seem to go right.

But I ought to be thankful for all that I have. & I always think positive only after throwing tantrums & making a racket of the whole situation.

I admit that I have minimal self control. & I feel sorry.

Moody feelings aside. Hunger pangs is one thing I should get used to. 10 kg weight loss is possible. it may take a heavy toll on my body. But for superficial reasons I'm willing to sacrifice.

I'm done living behind the shadows of my inferior self. I'm striving for a reform. In 6 months my transformation should be complete.

Then again, all of these could just be another bout of my featherheaded spontaneity.

Then again, only time will tell.

OH NUFFNANG PAY!

Okay i'll seem like damn noob now, but YAY! i believe i can withdraw my first $50 already! :D

& i wonder why i didn't start with this earlier. HAHA!

More good news to come. & tomorrow is my last day of paper (although it's a self exclaimed one), still! The air sure seems easier to inhale now. (:

it's getting tedious

It's not that i don't like my subject. But I really can't seem to focus somehow. I love what I am studying right now. Being immersed in English and Literature books the whole day is only enjoyable when it's not a formal & tested thing. There's no joy in reading too much into things like how Literature makes me do and analyse things like a lunatic thinking too much and blabbering excessively. But too bad, I still have to go through the exams & try to ace this stupid paper.

I'm standing on a cliff. I can feel earth cracking under my heel.

deep secret

sometimes it feels really good to know that what you thought was no longer there, was never gone. It was really nice of you, to remind me our moments were true.

Still, i will commemorate the good times we had. & all that we have lost, simply meant that our time was up.

it felt sweet. Really. & so were you.

impressive houses

Take a good look at all these very pretty houses! If only Singapore had the space.
I love how the toilet look like a mini basement, gives me a feeling that it was detached from the house & gives more privacy & space!
I like the idea of taking a step down to sink into this mini bathtub in the shower! HAHA












so amazing. all these houses! I wish to buy one of these in future! Have some overseas hideout or some villa of my own on one of the 1000 islands in US or something like that. HAHA!

if you like to see these kinda of house, u may want to google "Villa", "Nassim Road", "Bukit sedap road houses", "Zaha hadid villa". These are very cool! the last 3 are suggestions for Singapore villas, they do exist! Gigantic houses for the millionaires & billionaires! there are more than 15,000 sq ft! can u believe it? as a gauge, new 4 room flats are like only 80 -100 sq ft.

If u do the math, 15,000sq ft is like 150 times or more of the 4 room flats! & of course, they all have swimming pools of their own.

Awww. big houses are so pretty!

Prawning

We went to prawn in Pasir Ris! :D it's at Farmway 1. Wanted to locate another prawning place but we just couldnt be bothered.

& the super sad thing is that we only managed to catch 1 prawn (caught by me! :D ) after 1.5 hours slogging there. :( & sadly chew & yj didnt manage any. Nevertheless, the uncle took pity on us and gave us more prawns to bring home! HAHA!
& so i cooked them! Heh heh! The prawn broth looks so good! LOL.
& i snapped them up! I love fresh water prawns, they taste super juicy and sweet! though they look huge,by the time you rip their shells off, there really isn't much meat left.
& this is the one i caught. I decided to breed it, however to my shock, it died the next day, probably because it didnt have enough oxygen. At that point i decided to eat it & i did. but i felt a little guilty because it had been my pet for like 6 hours then. I feel a little barbaric. but it's its fate.

It wasnt as delicious. I wonder if it's my conscience gnawing me or the fact that it wasnt fresh since by the time i realised it was dead, it was a few hours ago ):

But i really like prawns. I'd love to keep them as pets. i love how this prawn jumps back to life after being mixed with dozens of other frozen prawn & fighting to stay alive. Still, it succumbed to his fate & decided to go.

I have the sudden urge to be a prawn breeder. HAHA.

Xian xian's 1st b'day!

it's this cutie pie's birthday! & he's getting cuter by the day :D can't wait to teach him violin & piano! it's gonna be so so cute!

& thanks Kai wei for coming despite exams nearing! :D

rainy days

i don't like when it's raining. it disrupts my schedules, makes people sleepy (i don't know why), & the after-rain mosquitoes all thirsty for human blood, & it's definitely a hassle to close my windows.

Rain rain, go away, come again another day

miracles do happen

maybe it's a day to buy lottery. lazy boy studying is rare. it's a miracle.

*&^%$#@!

guess why i took this photo?

Not only because i found it disgusting, i also couldnt believe that.....
This chinese guy was the filipino's boyfriend! He was sliding his hands down hers, but she kept trying to keep her distance when i looked at them, as if she were embarrassed to have him as a boyfriend! & he kept peeking over her tapping on her iphone, & he just didn't get the hint & kept looking over. I was so irritated trying to figure out what their relationship was.

what was more ridiculous was that when she talked to him, he felt so happy as if it was the first time the love of his life finally bothered talking to him! but i don't know if he realised that he is absolutely the embodied the essence of PATHETICGUYS. & she demanded for his phone after fiddling with hers, I DONT KNOW FOR WHAT REASON, as if trying to show off that this duo filipino & the chinese guy OWNS AN IPHONE, & she sort of snatched from his hands. Yet, the guy was like captive to her 'beauty & self' that he smiled at every attempt of hers to unwillingly acknowledge that she actually knew him.

I'm so disturbed by the filipino, that she treated her 'boyfriend' like that, ignoring him, shrugged his hands off her, & demanded only his iphone as if she was only materialistic. & disgusted at that guy who practically lost all of his dignity to this filipino who didn't really care about him.

i swear she was as repulsed by his intimacy just as i was disgusted by her.

WHAT A BAD TRAIN RIDE.

big deal. i also have. Chey.
but i have yami yoghurt to save the day. BUY THE TAKE HOME PACK! i strongly encourage u to do so!.

Pricing are as follows:

regular: $2.30
medium: $3.40 (5oz)
large: $5.20 (i think) 8oz
takehomepack: $8 (14oz)

quite worth it right! :D & i had the best night ever. enjoying my yami as i watch my shows. This is life. :D

the Aviation experience

I love planes as much as Sheldon loves trains. I love to fly on one. I love the heart sinking feeling when it's swooping down the atmosphere, & I share the same fondness for the taking-off mini adrenaline rush. I remembered how i used to tread on the aisle carefully up and down to retrieve some balance. I also recall the times when I chose to walk up and down and up and down as if i was walking on a travelator, just because i like it; it's as though i'm walking on clouds! The carpeted floor, the smell of new aircraft, the window seat, the pretty air stewardess, the free poker cards and toys & colouring sets, the packed food, the free-flow of orange juice, the incredulous view of geography beneath you, a closer distance to the Sun, everything. It's all in the package. I love every single bit of planes and plane rides.

Being an air stewardess was my ideal job, until i learnt i am probably too short and fat for them. Therefore i changed to being a teacher instead. I managed not to think about it until some time ago, when reading acnedotes on how awesome their lives are. I've heard stories about how falsely glorified this occupation is. Still, there's a part of me deep down which motivates me to feel like a stubborn child. It's a childhood fantasy nobody wants to let go.

Being fat, I can slim down. But being short? i don't think there's any way to get around this. ):
& worse part of all, i can't take my spects down. As tragic as all these flaws of mine sounds, it is ironically the factors which provides the stimulation fodder to want it more.

I can't get over the fact that I have to be desk-bound. True that being teachers I get to walk around, but going by this argument, I can easily dispute this by saying stewardesses are too, cabin-bound; but the stark difference is that they are deported to cabins all over the world & teachers are at best, deported all around Singapore.

): Guess the only thing to do now is to moan & wail & lament over the deficiencies of my physical attribues & await a miracle to strike; in the hopes that good karma is real & expendable in my lifetime.

Meanwhile, it remains a dream out of reach.

fei fei wanton mee

This is good. I like the soup & the wanton & their extraordinary chili. But without a car, it's pretty out of the way. but i enjoy the walks with boyfriend. & too, his house's proximity to Fei fei! :D

We could all use a good dinner to put a better ending to our day :D
& HAHA. i was sleeping when boyfriend came back, so i had these 2 to welcome him instead.. HHAAHAH. This is how you maximise use of your soft toys! create phantom presence, treat them as if they were real & make them work for you!

bonkers on homework.

Some part of me really wished UniSIM is exam-based instead of having to do their homework. then again, if it were, i may not be able to do so well given that homework can really help me up my grades by so much!

But the constant torture every other week about trying to do your best to perform & hope it's gonna be the essay of the century is driving me crazy. I cannot settle for substandard work. I really cannot. Call it my stupid habit or whatever you want, I really cannot stop my inclination towards making everything perfect.

I wish things can be made simpler. but too bad for me there's such a thing called "first class honours" & I want it.

though i may or may not pursue my honours, i may just stop at a bachelor, being in UniSIM & getting average grades doesn't speak much of my potential. If i'm already not in a top-notch school, i jolly well prove to the world that i'm more than what i seem to be.

& we're talking about literature here. that's the challenge. People read books. I study books. Everyday i'm honing my analytical skills, but it doesn't seem to bring me anywhere. I become too analytical, i analyse everything.

& trust me. That's not healthy at all. I can rebuke almost anybody & point out their fallacies & turn their own words against anyone if they're just not being careful. but what's the point of all of these? NOTHING. It just goes to show how bored i am.

Yes. I'm freaking bored.

So all i have to do right now is to apply for a teaching position right after i come back from US. Oh boy, i need a life.

meanwhile, i'm still struggling on my essay. Not that i dont have anything to write on, but i have trouble focusing. My parents should test me for ADHD. i may be suffering from an attention disorder.

i'm super pathetic to be suffering from inferiority complex & from a 100 word essay. It should be easy. It must be!

FOCUS CHERRYDATE. FOCUS IS KEY. i can feel the stress building up. It's the time of the year when exams are approaching. Get used to my grumbles. It'd be more frequent from now.

the heaven too far

Haven't really let myself be down like this for a long time.

My life is stringed by a sequence of poorly made choices. Yet, I never found the strength to spring back onto the right track. Normalcy seems so out of reach.

I look at other's lives and I'm ashamed of mine. They were all doing so so good. I definitely do not consider enrolling into unisim and doing my favourite course a honorable phase in my life. I could have done so much more but I wasnt determined enough. Sigh.

I was offered to go overseas to study last year. I was so happy! But my dad's offer came too late. I put in so much effort in my homework and scored so well that i didn't want to just give it all up.

But come to think of it now, I probably should have taken up his offer. I feel as if i've been robbed of an overseas experience I've always wanted. Then again, If I were to go to the US/Aussie, I have so much to give up. & I just couldn't let go.

I really, don't know what to do. I don't know what to make out of my life again. I hope the right opportunity would just come in my favour. & that point of time, I'd seize it. I'll never let it go. Not again.

wanton mee

In case you don't know, the word "Wanton" is an actual English word.

"sexually lawless or unrestrained; loose; lascivious; lewd: wanton behavior. " from dictionary.com 4th denotation. & seems like my wanton mee, is living up to its name. & It's so delicious everybody wants it.
& the really salty soup. is a big bonus!

say yes to breakfast in bed

& put "OH" in front to reveal the orgasmic effect.

OH YES!

ASOS dresses

omg. I would totally buy all these dresses if i wasn't saving up as much as i can for US trip. These are sifted after browsing through 1790 choices offered in their web page. But they aren't cheap though.

I'm lazy to state the prices but even the cheapest are priced at 25 pounds, & max at 229 pounds for this page of selection. There's more extravagrant ones on their page but i didn't fancy.

So if u see any of these & u wanna buy & don't wanna click through 90 pages of 4by4 rows&columns, just run your mouse over the picture to get the name of the piece & search again in ASOS's site.

Heel Gallery

was browsing through ASOS today, & came across these super lovely heels! but i'm one of those who love heels but rarely wear them because they can really spoil the day. some shoes bite, but looking at them wouldnt do much harm right! One of my many love-hate relationships.

ASOS PERFECT Platform Court Shoes £45

What I love: pure black heels is one of the must-have in my wardrobe. though i already have one, i wouldn't mind another. As simple as this shoe seem, i don't know. It's just... appealing! & it's screaming "buy me! I'm sure to make your money's worth. i can go with everything!"

yes. it sure can. from casual outfits to prom to gala dinners. just make sure it doesn't have mud stains & of course, not to the beach/coffeeshops at your neighbourhood!!!

overdressing is a major fashion FLOP!

unless you're so freaking rich you bought Lanvin/Chanel/Miu Miu etc etc... & have no occassion to wear to & just wanna clad it on to feel money slipping away through the wind, by all means. wear it everywhere you want!

ASOS PUMP IT UP Suede Platform Court Shoe £55

What I love: same as the above, except that this has the suede finishing & pleasant soft grey hue.

Karen Millen Clean Cut graphic colour block peep toe £150

What I love: It's Karen Millen! It'll be more productive to ask me what i hate about this: The extravagrant price! HAHA!

KG By Kurt Geiger Eleanor Platform Court £130

What I love: the snake-skin textured platform heel! just gotta love it!

KG Calista Bow Detail Pointed Platform Shoes £130

What I love: The peachy pink colour contrast being very interesting and chic!

Miss KG Lemonade Peep Toe Platform Court £75

What I love: The grey-olive greenish textured textile serves to bring out a very dignified sense of maturity to the overall look!

Miss KG Memphis Bow Front Peep Toe Slingback Shoes £75

What I love: the non-striking gold which wouldnt steal away the attention from the wearer. & the bow which isn't a ribbon. There's a stark difference. ribbons are cute things, they're meant for girls. Bows are classy embellishments meant for women.

Pollini Suede Platform Heeled Shoes £285

What I love: The wavy platform. it's really rare for such bold designs!

ASOS PASSIONFLOWER Satin Platform Shoes £45

What I love: That i do not have to worry about my oversized ankles. The satin corsage at the sides would definitely do some visual help to minimise the legs by diverting attention to its ethereal beauty.

ASOS PENELOPE Corsage Court Shoe £45

What I love: the very oriental look accentuated by the dark navy blue against the pearl satin canvas. of course, the extraordinarily elegant folded satin as brooch for the shoes.

Reminds me of qipaos!

Dune Velocity Platform Shoe With Corsage Trim £85

What I love: Yes. I love flower ornaments on the shoes. Especially huge & fluffy ones like this!

Karen Millen Graphic Tribal Neon Print Court Shoes £125

What I love: you just gotta love the striking outbursts of warm hues. It's like blow-paint artpiece stretched over this pair of shoes. The huge bow is SOOOOoooooo LOVELY! Gorgeous!

ASOS PERFORMER Multi Buckle Platform Shoeboot £55

What I love: the exquisite engravings on the buckles!

Elizabeth and James Manic Lizard Effect Platform Strappy Heeled Sandals £355

What I love: the lizard leather finishing. love the texture.

Guess Anamaria B Strappy Evening Sandals £90

What I love: Guess shoes are one of my favourites. Dont talk about their apparels though. epic failure. LOL! but this pearl coloured strappy heels deserves our love.

ASOS HAZE Ruched Strap Wedges £45

What I love: The gray against the woody-like texture!

ASOS PAVE THE WAY Suede & Raffia Wedge Shoe £55

What I love: The raffia wedge! totally!

ASOS PAVE THE WAY Suede & Raffia Wedge Shoe £55

What I love: the crimson red suede. Red is absolutely ostentatious in an absolutely good fashion. Pun intended.

If you wanna browse more & have lots of cash to spare.... Here it is

i'm off to their dresses now!