Just an everyday thought

Every day of my life, I would keep thinking about the things that made me inadequate for you.

& every day of my life, I'm sorry I'm not the one. I'm tired of proving. But there's an undying dedication I have towards you that is propelling me to keep trying. As I live longer, my soul wilts by the day, thinking about the things that made us fought, thinking about why didn't I make you feel happier, thinking why did I make you feel unloved at all in the past.

& I know you'd still leave.

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Hello oppa

Here :)

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The things you never knew -2

I still maintain a counter... To countdown to your arrival. I did this only upon your 2nd flight. Because that's when I really started to miss you. I regretted those times where I didn't cherish my time with you. When I decided to be angry instead of making us better.

I won't ask you back. But I still look forward to the day, when we're done with breaking up and patching again.... If we would still be good.

You're coming soon. I don't know what to feel now that we've broken up. Please. Let's things just go okay and smooth.



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The little things you don't know about

There are so many things you don't know about. When I'm at work doing my statistics to report to my boss. You pop in my head so frequently. I write hello to you beside my workings. While I practice my Korean penmanship too. I think of you every minute of my life. You just would never go away. I'll just hold onto us. I don't know for how long... Until I forget one day maybe.

I'm not sure if I ever will. If only we could last...

Now I'm recalling one of my favorite song. "Built to last" by MELE. Take some time to google it on YouTube. Listen to it while you feel my love still strong for you.

I've looked for love in stranger places
But never found someone like you
Someone whose smile
Makes me feel I've been holding back
And now there's nothing I can do

'Cause this is real and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
Most of all, most of all
It's built to last, it's built to last

All of our friends saw from the start
So why didn't we believe it too?
Oh yeah, now look where we are
You're in my heart now
And there's no escaping it for you

'Cause this is real and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
Most of all, most of all
It's built to last

Walking on the hills at night
With those fireworks and candlelight
You and I were made to get love right

'Cause this is real and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
Most of all, most of all
It's built to last

'Cause you are the sun in my universe
Consider the best when we felt the worst
And most of all, most of all, most of all
Most of all, most of all, most of all
It's built to last



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Fighting spirit

The more life tries to pull me down, the stronger I must be. So I'll just focus on work & studies. So please don't worry. I won't say I'm not affected by this loss. It's greater than all I've ever encountered. But... You'll just keep repeating this cycle. You have to stop wanting me and then running away again. I flow according to the currents you make. When you want me I go to you. When you don't want me you go away entirely. I shall help you with this never ending cycle this time.

We'll just spend our last few days together.

I won't go back.


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Without anchor

Without the presence of you in my heart, I'm a floating soul without anchor. It doesn't keep me grounded. Basically it just means I feel insecure. Try living without love for a day. I'm sure you know how it feels before. The abandonment. The misery of knowing no one would be there for you, even if it's just to have someone witness your achievements... Life would be so much better.

The other day you told me "Peiru I feel tired". I thought you just wanted to sleep. But you explained you were referring to life in general. My heart crumbled, along with you. I know you're tired of life. So if you're already accustomed to the life now, if I add burden to you, I will leave. I don't want to pile another problem on top of another problem of yours. I just hope you'll be able to see around things. That I'm not your burden. I can breathe a new life into you.

When you feel lonely, I'm sorry I'm not always with you. But just imagine, just think about how I would hold your hand until you get old.. Until we get old. I hope this image can get you through the toughest times in your life. Now that I can't have you, I just want you to remember, no matter how hard life is to you, you once had me to love you like that.

Everyday I wake up I get a little bit more used to the idea without you. It's funny how In the past I always dream about our future, our beautiful future, but they're ironically, gonna stay as dreams. I think I'm psychic. All those nightmares I had about us. Maybe it was propheting this breakup. It was warning me about it.

But everyday I still wake up in shock. I wake up at 6am, 7 am, having sleep only 4 hours a day. Only to come to the rude awakening that you'll never come back to me.

Leave. Leave happier and be free. I'll watch over you.

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Extent

No. You don't understand. Everytime you call me by my name I know something is wrong. Every time you call me by my name, I feel like my heart gets stabbed so badly like I'm being slaughtered. You don't know the pain because my love is cushioning you. & because love can be so strong like that... I won't stop loving you. I'll never expose you to the kind of pain I'm feeling.

You just don't have to suffer. As long as I live. I'll willingly put myself out there. You can hurt me. You can take me for granted. I don't care. Just be happy.

Ashika asked me how would I reply because her oppa asked her to go Seoul with him. & he asked her is there anything she wants to do together... I told her this is how I would reply ...

"You're the first thing I want to see when I wake up, and the last thing I want to see before I sleep. I want to cuddle in bed & yet find time passing so swiftly. I want to lie on your arms. And let you hug me to sleep the entire night, I'll move up to you, close enough so your heartbeat lulls me to sleep. I want to wake up finding you fumbling for cigarettes yet you wouldn't bear to push me away. And I want you to plant a kiss on my cheek so I know I'll feel loved for the day. I want to cook you breakfast and see you trying to hide my poor culinary skills with too much effort. Then we burst into laughter knowing you're only eating just because I cooked it. I want to look at you in the eye while you communicate your mutual feelings which caught us both off guard . & I want time to pause for that moment because I don't want to think about how we'll end like bad couples do. I just want to know at this point in time, you'll still continue to love me."


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Rain

It's like so dramatic. Right after the breakup it rained. My heart is already frozen and the cold weather doesn't help. I'm chilled inside out. I hug myself and I said 추워요, 추워요... You're too far to hear me shiver. Then you told me I have to take care of myself from now on and learn how to. I refuse to. I'm meant to be single & to meet you in this lifetime. Somehow I think I'm made for you. I could be the windbreaker on your clothes rack. When you're cold you can choose to put me on. But if you're not it's okay to leave me there. I'd be always there. Until time wears the material off. Until time wears my love for you away.

I love you this much. You know how much I'm referring to. You need to know. Because I can't stand to see your heart get cold. My heart aches for you. Don't be alone. Please be well too.

I'll love you to the end of time Edward. Always will.


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First love

This spot. :) do you remember?


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Just like that

I really just want us to end up like that.



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Rare you.

I would still give my all to you. Because it's you. But the other way out is to show you my temper & stop being nice to you. I cannot bear to do that to you. Over my dead body. It's responsibility. It's love. It's my fate. It's my obligation towards you.

Because you're so special. Because I know there's only one of you in the world. So I have to give you my best.

I feel stupid. I feel like my heart is getting ripped inside out. I feel like there's a dinosaur eating my flesh & intestines. I feel like you're walking away. I feel the distance. The pain & the loneliness.

& because of all these, I know my love for you runs deep.

& that I would still love you.

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Down

I'm happy you're doing well alone. Even without me. I'm sorry if I misunderstood. Maybe you needed care, maybe you needed love. I always gave all I have to you. But over at my end, I feel empty. I'm emptied out.

I don't feel loved.

Last night I went to dad. I told him I'm suffering. He told me there's nothing he can do. I told you I'm suffering. I asked you to bring me away. You said "what to do Peiru".

I know you prefer people who are resilient, and strong minded. I'm sorry. I tried to be optimistic about this but I really tried but I can't. But I'm not sorry I'm not as strong as you think I am. I'm human too. I have emotions. I'm entitled to cry sometimes. I'm entitled to demand for emotional support. I don't want it. But now I really need it. Is it really difficult to show more concern. Is there really no time you can spare? At times like this, when I'm so desperate for some concern, is your exams really still priority? Do I not deserve your equal attention?

I told you how I felt. Maybe if you bothered reading what I actually told you you'll know how I feel, if you bothered to. Because now my heart is breaking. When the world is against me, just as when my world is crumbling, you're not here for me. & while I'm sick & emotionally defeated, I still had to fight for attention among your drunkardness, exams, racecar, movies & dates. While you have 200% of me, it's sad to feel I still mean only 1/10 of your life, to you.

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Burden

If I don't have obligation locked down by piety, I would have moved out.

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:(

I'm having the worst day ever & I don't even know where to start with.

Never mind.

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Location:Collyer Quay,Singapore,Singapore