this life

오빠! where have you been! why have you gone missing again!!! I miss you so so much!

to be continued....

if only & only if

Inside my head were contesting thoughts, between speaking to you the entire day and doing my homework instead. If only I weren't studying, if only you were here. If only we could forward time, if only you could stay. All of these "only ifs" just kept flooding my mind. If only we weren't separated by so many things... but our happening was all the more magical and romantic this way. we're both of different nationalities and different backgrounds. What brought us together can only be by the stroke of luck and fate when cupid hit us right. This probably is the only time I don't have the urge to commit celestial crime by throwing the arrow back at him, because he did good. Even so, only if he did so earlier, we would have not wasted so much time.

Regardless, I'm thankful and I feel so blessed to have you in my life. Only if we could just earn enough to get by. if only life were that simple. When we finally come together, please just know that I want to spend each and every single day as if it was going to be the last day of our lives to make up for what we're not getting right now. Every day is a accumulation of interest of our lost time and love, & we have so much to catch up on. I just hope you and I are thinking in the same frequency, that we would treasure and love each other all the more when we get reunited again. This love didnt come by easy & I just hope we'll stand against the test of time.

But right now, only if you were here. would you hug me & stay up with me until I finish my homework? (:

inadequate

today, you didn't bother saying "i love you" before we hung up. I must have done something wrong. I feel inadequate, like the most useless girlfriend in the entire world. & i can't live with this.

可能是我太敏感了。 但我的心碎了。这是童话的中止，眼泪的开始。

Grateful

it's one of those days I'm left alone in the room, & I look both in retrospect and introspect of the pasts and current affairs, of the things I've experienced & the people who stopped and go, & of the people who never intended to stay & the people who probably left for good. After doing the rationalising, I realised I only needed to thank for all the people who remained.

I'm not naming anyone, because anyone who reads this entry would know who you are. & please know that I'm deeply grateful & thankful, given my passivity, for some, in your lives, I can only apologize for my unintended nonchalance and want to strive harder to be a better friend/family/lover to you, and to keep whatever is left of my social life. Friends can always be made, but the fact that those who still hung around, who didn't judge, who didn't leave despite everything, meant a lot to me.

These sentiments extends to ....

greatest man in my life. doubles up as the two main figures a family should have. you may have lost everything but you still have me. I don't see how I have the ability to earn even a tenth of what you gave me, you may not be perfect, but you've given everything you can, and even zerorized your account when I needed the money and provided the ways and means in the most unimaginable ways. I can't buy you a horse, a mercedes, a bigger house, everything you lost.. but its just, not yet. I will strive towards that direction, to restore the glam, the pride, the success you've lost to the morally bankrupt who robbed our home & innocence. Karma will get to them. While I habour this irresolvable hate towards those people you once called friends, I'm glad my heart is still big and sober enough, to differentiate between the rights and wrongs, & to accomodate so much love I could share enough to make people around me feel comfort & at peace. I've grown up right but i'm still short of something you can be proud of. Please give me some time to straighten it up. Meanwhile, know that I love you most. 

my bffs. you stood by me and walked me through countless punishments in class, breakups and get together with boys, I share every little secret with you & aspects of my private family life. thank you for not walking away when I burden you with my troubles of my everyday life, opening up your home to me & treating me like family, taking me in and allowed me to hang around during the lowest points of my life when I didn't want to be alone. I've spent most of my social life with you & I am always very proud of your achievements like a hopeful mother. i enjoy every moment of our conversations, no matter how mundane, no matter how bitchy, & time never seemed to be enough during our come-togethers. the only regret about us is that I wished we met earlier, & please forgive me if I ever was lesser than a good friend to you. the amount of thank you I would be able to say in my following years, until the day I can't speak, would definitely be dedicated to you.

the people who stayed. old friends whom strayed and came back. old friends where we were once so close & hit off so well, but somehow circumstances changed. We drifted apart and back together again. Now I just have to ensure this time, I'll tie our boat to the pier so our friendship doesn't have to wander off again and again. You are a precious lot because your efforts to rekindle puts me to shame, and you are living reminder of how careless and stupid it was of me to have not tried harder. People comes up with lots of philosophies about maintaining a relationship. They say those that you have to try too hard to keep are those you won't need. Those who does not reciprocate feelings are those who probably undeserving of your friendship. I sucked as a friend & I know. But the fact that you came back, initiate those talks, taking an interest in my boring life is a very touching gesture which I deeply appreciate. I thank you for overlooking my flaws & my time mismanagement that I failed to slot in more time for you. I'm more than thankful for your efforts in trying to sustain this friendship & trust me, when it comes to people I treasure, you don't get placed on a continuum of priority against the others who matter, because you're equally dear in my heart. I love the melancholy, the recalling of the past, the chemistry we once shared, the nostalgia you always bring, to remind me what I was & you make up my past to make me more complete as a being. All the more when you taught me what's lost can always be retrieved, though not in its entirety. But you represent a sentiment of hope & this is the kind of impact old friends make. Probably I should change the semantics & stop calling you old friend because now, we have an irreplacable bond and friendship that's ongoing. I can never be grateful enough for your coming back & know that you have a very special place in my heart.

my boyfriend. the one I swore not to have for the next few months and next few years but somehow, you just happened. I'm still laughing at the way we met & how we started. Everything seemed so dramatic & yet everyday in so many ways. I'm still surprised at this unplanned relationship we developed & many a time, I still feel like its a dream because of the uncertainties of life that I've experienced so much of. I still wonder what is it about you I've fallen for, but its the sort of mystical truths I probably never would be able to decipher. But it doesnt keep me from wondering, because of my immense curiousity at the enigma you are, the mysterious aura you give me draws me deeper and deeper into you. You're like the black hole scientists never knew what it represents, and can only formulate their hypothesis that can never be proven beyond the unknown. You're all the more distant given that we don't have the luxury of being in close proximity since you live continents and oceans away. But somehow there's this unexplainable phenomena that makes me want to be the best for you, love you, & be there for you. It helps that whenever I express my unconditional love for you, you reciprocate these feelings in the most unbelievably captivating fashion. The words you say comes out with so much sincerity, charm & a hint of gentleness that envelopes me with comfort, like I can absolutely believe & entrust my life to you. I feel very comfortable with you because you make me feel like I have nothing to worry about whenever I'm in your embrace. Everything feels so safe to the extent that it felt as if as long as I'm with you, god would put off his plans even if there was a disaster coming our way. It's all the more astonishing that even a simple gesture from you makes everything feel right. When you hold my hands, I feel like you'll lead me to a direction in life, when you peck my forehead with a little kiss it takes away all the pain and torturous moments in an instant, when you praise me it felt like I'm the most perfect girl in the world & boosts my confidence, when you look at me intently I feel like I'm invincible, like I can do no wrong & so prized a posession which fills me with happiness so intense I want to grab every single pedestrian on the road to share my brimming joy. you make me want to establish a family, a dream that I've repressed from witnessing broken families and from one myself. You restored some kind of hope & the filled my hollowed heart of lost dreams, faith & people who mattered but left. I really wish we will turn out right & so please, tell me only that you'll do this for me & put aside all your negative thoughts and possibility of failure to materialise these for me. You are my future & I hope I didn't ask for a lot, because all I asked for is a committment that will only let us gain happiness in our lives. I smile to myself at the thought of you, that just thinking about you makes me happy. A love that is this innocent is something I don't want to let it fade away. I want to know if you feel the same.  I still have tonnes to tell you but, I know I can never finish telling you how grateful I am about your appearance in my life. & if whatever I write isn't enough to satisfy your desire to know how i feel, I'm willing to devote my remaining time until you understand what you actually mean to me. You'll probably understand the idea of it, but you'll never know the extent because my feelings I presume, would stretch till the end of time that even I wouldnt have enough time on earth, to live to the day I can measure the limit of the love I habour towards you.

To all the special people I love, thank you, again.

the subtle difference

somehow, its not the same. this lack of communication is keeping us apart. & ironically, it's always been this way considering that we live so far away. what we have is unusual, and the occasional bouts of doubt come and go. what could sustain us? what could glue us together infintely? I'm not sure. But one thing I'm sure of, is that as long as we want to keep our hands in the pie, we'll always get a share of it.

I'm sorry that because we've not been talking lately, or that you've been keeping all these private problems of your own to yourself, devastates me. I know even if you were to tell me, I wouldn't be of any help. But I just wished I could share at least some of your emotional burden. You've got too much on your plate & I'm practically useless. But let me fulfil my duties as a girlfriend when you come over. I'll make sure at least while you're with me, you have nothing to worry about. I'm sorry that in the meantime, you'll have to deal with everything by your own, but I swear, if you need to talk about anything, or just need a listening ear, I'll be there.

It'll always be different, things will always change. But my heart, will always remain the same.

暴躁

有时候觉得很幸福， 有时候又因为一些琐碎的事而感到忧愁。 也许是你的冷落造成的感触， 也许是我的脾气有些暴躁。无论如何， 以为会让我感到最安慰的你，却似乎无法在适当的时候给我一个能诉苦的通道。 我很想把这些消极的想法化成怒， 发泄在你的身上， 但想了想， 我有许多的顾虑。 害怕发泄的当时， 无意中会伤害到你； 而你， 是我这一生中最不想伤害的人。

我的烦恼也不会就此烟消云散。 我虽然还不知道要怎么让你对比较细心一点 -- 我是应该告诉你的 -- 但又不想把我的负担安置在你的身上。你是多么的开朗， 永远都带着的那个迷人的笑容，我无法成为把那灿烂的微笑抹掉的凶手。 我忍住了。 但请给我一点时间，

我很想哭， 我想一个人静一静。

restricted access

while techonology advances exponentially, the restriction with internet usage gets increasingly ridiculous. So I hear from you that home internet in Auckland goes by data usage plans. Singapore goes by speed. So while I have unlimited access to internet, sadly, we still won't be able to see each other everyday. That's by far the most depressing news of the year.

Thank god for school wifi though. Despite the unreliable connection you're getting, I won't complain as long as it serves its purpose, or even if just half of it.

Today you sounded more caucasian than you normally would. & then I imagined your face while you speak. It sent me laughing like crazy because that accent and that face are the most hilarious combination I ever encountered in my entire life.  & it is as charming as it is funny. After 15 mins. I'm pretty sure its still funny. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm dying from your cuteness. I want to pinch your cheeks, peck a kiss on your face & tell you I love you.

17 more days. Till then, you'd be missed. Very dearly.

raped the replay button

It occured to me we have so little in common. When we see each other, all we could talk about was only our boring school life and the monotonous, cyclical routine that we go through every single day. Sometimes we get a little bonus when something in our lives got screwed up so we could share our anger whenever our choleric inclination starts to kick in while we whine away with immense acrimony. Or, the occassional little anecdotes worthy of sharing. Then again, the appeal thins as the banality of it all colours our conversation duller.

It's either we know each other too well, that we've rummaged through each of our histories and become poor of topics to talk about, or that we don't know each other well enough to produce enough conversational fodder. I think we perhaps haven't created enough histories of our own. Unlike couples who've gone through more, they could ruminate their pasts and laugh back at their own folly or comical, farcical moments. I guess we'll have to spend more time together.

If there's anything to worry about, I'm afraid these sessions of trite, stale Skyping with each other will render you bored with me. What if you lose interest? What if the dullness of it all motivates your apathy and nonchalance? I'm not sure if I'm sensitive but this situation could be realised sooner than I thought.

Then again, when we run out of words to say, I could just look at you. I didn't mind just looking at you not talking. This face, I could never get tired of it. This face, I'm certain, I want to wake up to that every single day. & the more I look at you, the more convinced I get. 

I don't know how you feel about all these, but as far as I am concerned, whenever I Skype with you, I totally am overwhelmed by this sense of fulfillment, as if my lifetime search for the perfect companion can stop just right here. I'm euphoric, and it sends me spasms of bliss, plasters a permanent smile on my face and it keeps the butterfiles alive in my body, which tickles me whenever you utter sweet nothings, korean & that cute boy look you always carry.... It just, fills me with love, where despite my poor memory, I'd try very hard to remember those images, replay it in my mind repetitvely, so that I could relish in the pool of affection that sweeps over me repeatedly, until.....

I've never stopped replaying it.