Tired

It seems 8 hours of sleep is too excessive for me. I read somewhere that if you wake up feeling tired, you're sleeping too much. My menses is supposed to arrive but not yet. Something is wrong with me, but there's no time to worry about it. its 11 now. I have about 12 full hours again to do my studying. This is not good. The sleepiness is not good.

Exposing too much of myself to online readings is like digging my own grave, I saw this article online on someone else's facebook, "The True Story of a Seven Year Marriage". We were never married, but the essence of love is universal and applicable to any kind of love I guess.

Full story here: https://flysoftly.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/the-true-story-of-a-seven-year-marriage/

In summary, her life was breaking apart, she got so tired with the things she never foresaw in a relationship. But then the couple found a way to work things out. It was the committment toward each other, and the want to love.

"Pipes broke, the baby screamed, work piled up, and I grew into a sad and lonely version of myself. My heart sank lower and deeper, knowing this wasn’t what we had hoped for.
We looked to each other for the answers, and only saw more confusion reflected back. “Can you save me?” we asked each other. “I would if I could, but I think I have to save myself.” "

"We knew we were sinking fast and that more years spent in battle would only pile up and add more weight until we reached the bottom.
So we put a solid foothold down, somewhere to stand still and look around. The foothold was our commitment to each other, our desire to love the person across the breakfast table."

 "We gained new skills, started owning our feelings, and dared to believe in each other again. Most of all, we started listening and each moment of listening piled up until we could start climbing right up and out of our hole. We added laughter when we could muster it and that made the climbing feel lighter.
We let things go, saw with new eyes, and stood in the other person’s shoes. Most importantly, we stood in our own shoes and examined where we had lost ourselves along the way.
One day I opened my eyes and really saw him again, or maybe for the first time."

(I told you oppa, I saw you in a different light. I think that was when my heart fully opened up to you, then you took it, you said "for the first time, I feel like you're all with me", then you took my heart, the next minute, it was already in the dumpster)



After reading this, I could only stand far, in envy, that for them, things worked out. Losing you was like losing everything. The world crumbles like a biscuit, it's no longer good. Sometimes I wonder why do I still bother blogging. I know why. It's because I know you're still reading. It's the only thing holding us together. But this question will always break my heart, and every single day of my future, it will echo load and clear, "Why did Oppa leave, what mistake did I make that was so wrong, so unforgivable to warrant me the most terrible punishment I can ever receive?"

Every day, my heart breaks all over again. Every day, I have to pick up the damn pieces and fix it back over and over, and pretend that all is okay, pretend that my life was back to normal, put on this facade so that people don't worry anymore. But it isn't. It just never felt the same. I'm just a terribly broken toy, a female pinocchio without the lies and the long nose, a out-of-style, unwanted barbie without the blond.

texting jiamin lifts my mood. I should be glad I have friends like this (: & I'm super glad I had her. Self examination, reflecting upon how I feel everyday becomes a routine. I know I'm stronger than this. I could let anything go easily. But you, I don't want to. I really rather get emotionally tortured than to just forget. Even if it means that you will never come back.

"Right here oppa. I'll be right here." (: