I've always been angry with myself for having a bad memory. As I try very hard to preserve every single memory of us, I can't help it but feel vulnerable to time, eating the very last bits of our past away. How wonderful it would be if you could be my side every single day, reminding me of us whenever our history gets eroded, as well as be there to create new ones again. That'll be best. But I wouldn't try to resist fate, for if its meant to be, its meant to be.
Archiving all of you is impossible in this small space, but whatever is significant, i shall record it to as much detail as I can.
My day wasn't exactly the best, I procrastinate on my work. I don't know how can I ever change this habit, but my whole mind was all you. You told me "I miss you so much Peiru, I just wanna put everything down, and run to you". Guess what, I felt exactly the same. But as much as I want to think with my heart, my rationality went down really hard on me & gave out a defiant "No". You have no idea how much I want to go all the way down to city hall; even if I just caught a glimpse of you, it would not suffice, but it'll keep me sane for a little while more. You're like a drug addiction, I need a little bit of you from time to time so it'll keep me going. If I don't get my regular doses, I'd go crazy, I can't focus & I can't think. I wonder what made me so helplessly in love with you, but of the hundreds and thousands of time I contemplate over this, I never found an answer. You're a puzzle I never got to solve, and its this enigma that draws me deeper and deeper into the conquest of knowing you better.
you're part of the reason for my distraction. But its not entirely you either. My propensity to wander off my studying track has got a really marked history which you should have known by now. My studying patterns are very much characterised by wretched last minute efforts brought about by my linguistic arrogance that I could deliver considerably decent answers in a short time. But it's also this that disappoints myself everytime I try to change this hideous habit of mine. Towards the end of the day I got so angry and frustrated, I perhaps brought a little of this into our conversations. I must apologize, I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.
I hope my little temper didn't change your perceptions of me, and that I confessed that I do have a short fuse sometimes. I hope that didnt spoil anything for us. Know that I'd put in some effort to change this aspect of myself. (:
we talked about our future, and I shared my most obscured dreams. I ever revel over the prospect of a kid of my own, of half Korean heritage and I imagine the little one enunciating greetings and folksongs in Korean. I'm sorry I didn't include you in our little fantasy because I'm not sure if you'd leave or stay. I hope u won't feel hurt that I thought of you like this, & I seek your understanding, that I have fears of my own. Regardless, now I'm certain whenever I paint my future landscape, I'd always leave a place for you in the picture. (:
You brought up this really crazy idea to get us settled down in NZ. it really appealed to the spontaneity in me. I would very much love to say "Yes!" But life wasn't designed to be all spontaneous. Not at this stage of our lives.
Presently, if there's one thing to be sure, I'd say its could be that you're the one person out of the 7 billion people I'm looking for. (:
I'd like to believe in all of this. I just hoped you'd feel the same.
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