Easy & easier

With the passage of time anything becomes easier and eventually easy. This proccess of acceptance of reality and facts have been draining, and while I'm born into a new skin, I have problems finding comfort in it. Over the past few days I still wake up at 330am here. Just that I don't call anymore. Such habits I suppose it takes time to shed them a little by little, and probably somehow, someday they'll be gone.

On and off the heart seizures still takes place. All of a sudden my heart becomes tight and presses down my chest I feel so suffocated I had to drop everything at the moment and take in deep breaths to calm my nerves. It feels like some sort of illness and it happens when I least expect it. Why does this happen to me.

This blog now serves to trace my emotional progression from the abyss of pain. Everyday I get encouragement and it feeds my positive thinking. I've been replacing crying faces with smiling smileys on texts and it gets transfered onto my face somehow. I can't wait for everything to be quickly casted in formaldehye, get it preserved and put aside for the time being. I dare not hope for anything good in the near future to strike, neither can I anticipate.

I'm not sure what you are going through but it seems just so easy. I wonder how you even manage to sleep soundly at night. If it's a phase you have to go through, I'm willing to trade my innocence for yours, so that you can sleep like a happy kid and live the happy boy life that was robbed from you. If god is pushing me to grow up faster in exchange for your happiness I'm fine with it,or at least taking it this way makes this heartbreak all the more worthwhile.

I saw dad in the morning and I get big beary hugs.I got an apple for the day again. I expected to not have a birthday dinner this year but it seems like family wants to make up for their helplessness in my situation. They pick up the pieces of my broken heart and mend it back all over again. It's hard on them so I have to recover faster.

Work has been great. I just need to focus more on my studies.

My company have just announced a free 2 hour break again. I have people to share it with but... & there comes the mini bouts of heart attacks.

For the first time in these few days I've been able to eat. Unhappy people gets free meals. For many consecutive days people keep wanting to buy me food. They probably chose a time when I can't eat much so its easier on their pockets. Haha. This time was an ex colleague celebrating his promotion with us. half a serving of bacon and eggs for lunch just seemed light enough for a stomach which has gone almost empty for days. Water kept the stomach free from gastric and I'm 49. Doesn't matter how you'll see me. You won't see anyway.

I just hope the seizures go away and I need a locket for my brain. It'll be useful when I study.