The defeaning silence is killing me. No surprise that people actually rather attend to their biological emergencies than to violate their culture of sleep to accompany me through suffering from the pre-exam anxiety and panic calls. Of the population, census reveal that boyfriend may be included in the calculation. Unfortunately, for both him & I.
I am so unequipped to deal with this now. The moment he signals that he wont be available for me tonight, disappointment got over me. I felt like crying, & i felt that begging for companionship was the only thing to do. but i was too full to have anything asked for, and anything asked for, deserve no reciprocal gestures.
so i'm left with two choices --give in or give up. was i supposed to be selfish, demand for his time tonight, or to be understanding or look up the dictionary for 'independence'? Nothing seems the right thing to do.
so then i conceded to fate, sitting alone in the night with the lamp as hosts, books as companions, and allowing the bewildering concepts of Broca's and Wernicke's and 7241654624 big words to continue to baffle me, and drown in hallucinations, impaired with the disability to acknowledge a sense of identity thereafter; repeating definitions and fresh knowledge incessantly in repetitive cacophonous utterance.
& Big Bang Theory for a late-night dessert treat. How nice.
1more hour to boyfriend waking up to my wrath. I seriously don't wanna be that monster he's gonna get acquainted with. so self-restraint is next up in the list for dictionary.com
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