be on the same page

I've always been angry with myself for having a bad memory. As I try very hard to preserve every single memory of us, I can't help it but feel vulnerable to time, eating the very last bits of our past away. How wonderful it would be if you could be my side every single day, reminding me of us whenever our history gets eroded, as well as be there to create new ones again. That'll be best. But I wouldn't try to resist fate, for if its meant to be, its meant to be.

Archiving all of you is impossible in this small space, but whatever is significant, i shall record it to as much detail as I can.

My day wasn't exactly the best, I procrastinate on my work. I don't know how can I ever change this habit, but my whole mind was all you. You told me "I miss you so much Peiru, I just wanna put everything down, and run to you". Guess what, I felt exactly the same. But as much as I want to think with my heart, my rationality went down really hard on me & gave out a defiant "No". You have no idea how much I want to go all the way down to city hall; even if I just caught a glimpse of you, it would not suffice, but it'll keep me sane for a little while more. You're like a drug addiction, I need a little bit of you from time to time so it'll keep me going. If I don't get my regular doses, I'd go crazy, I can't focus & I can't think. I wonder what made me so helplessly in love with you, but of the hundreds and thousands of time I contemplate over this, I never found an answer. You're a puzzle I never got to solve, and its this enigma that draws me deeper and deeper into the conquest of knowing you better.

you're part of the reason for my distraction. But its not entirely you either. My propensity to wander off my studying track has got a really marked history which you should have known by now. My studying patterns are very much characterised by wretched last minute efforts brought about by my linguistic arrogance that I could deliver considerably decent answers in a short time. But it's also this that disappoints myself everytime I try to change this hideous habit of mine. Towards the end of the day I got so angry and frustrated, I perhaps brought a little of this into our conversations. I must apologize, I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.

I hope my little temper didn't change your perceptions of me, and that I confessed that I do have a short fuse sometimes. I hope that didnt spoil anything for us. Know that I'd put in some effort to change this aspect of myself. (:

we talked about our future, and I shared my most obscured dreams. I ever revel over the prospect of a kid of my own, of half Korean heritage and I imagine the little one enunciating greetings and folksongs in Korean. I'm sorry I didn't include you in our little fantasy because I'm not sure if you'd leave or stay. I hope u won't feel hurt that I thought of you like this, & I seek your understanding, that I have fears of my own. Regardless, now I'm certain whenever I paint my future landscape, I'd always leave a place for you in the picture. (:

You brought up this really crazy idea to get us settled down in NZ. it really appealed to the spontaneity in me. I would very much love to say "Yes!" But life wasn't designed to be all spontaneous. Not at this stage of our lives.

Presently, if there's one thing to be sure, I'd say its could be that you're the one person out of the 7 billion people I'm looking for. (:


I'd like to believe in all of this. I just hoped you'd feel the same.

the talk

The more we talk about it, the more real it becomes. This is a painted reality that I could never imagine, because it's nothing like what I had before. It's not only that you're special because you have all these things other boys don't. You're special because you just are. It's the whole package, I can't really pinpoint what exactly about you that gave me this feeling. But because nothing is set in stone, you're sometimes my dream, and sometimes my Achilles heel. But you're never anything close to real. For now we could see each other everyday, but the next moment, you could just pack your bags and go. Not that I'm saying you're a irresponsible man, and not that you have anything to be responsible for, but,

what if you never came back?

Today you sent this message "let me be your boyfriend, I will be good for you". I'm not sure if you were serious, I brushed it off lightly, "who says I have a boyfriend, we were never together Edward". I know you are serious but I couldn't take your words seriously. For a myriad of reasons. and please don't worry because none is anything negative about you.

Right now, it just seems life's a bitch playing these little time tricks on us. I'm not sure if this was a good time to meet each other, but all these waiting, and uncertain futures, can either make or break us. It all depends on how we walk-the-talk rather than talk-the-walk I reckon. but spatial constraints I believe, still remain an issue. I wouldn't mind flying over, even if I only would get to see you for a few hours and come back, though I was certain nothing lesser than being able to see you everyday would ever be enough. I've been thrown into this abyss of despair, and helplessness I'm not sure I could climb out from, because if you ever left, I wouldnt make you stay. I would be the last person to hinder you from fulfilling your dreams, studies and whatever is left in your life to pick up the pieces. I would want to be that person to just be there, do whatever I can to mend the broken parts of your life and give you time to set them right again. When you are finally done, I can only hope for you to come back for me, willingly, ready to spend the rest of our lives together. I have the capacity to welcome someone who left, and by that time, I'd never let you go ever again.

So I was so regretful I put you in this verbal conundrum, where I asked you things like how much you liked me, how much I mean to you. I'd never put you in this sort of situation again. It pains me seeing you thinking so hard, trying to come up with a politically corrrect answer that wouldn't satisfy. You know what exactly the things I want to hear but you refuse to lie. I've always loved you being the honest person that you are, I rather hear things that are genuine and let my heart be broken than to hear you lie. I know you're afraid to make promises, you're afraid to disappoint. You can seem like a total asshole this way, but I told you, I always try to believe the best in people. If you aren't someone I hoped you'd be, that's the risk I'm willing to take. You are my best bet right now, a gamble I'd spend my fortune on the table, because in the long run, my million dollar prize is you.

I've asked you to stop painting these imaginary futures that we're gonna have together, but you refuted saying these conjured images of a heartwarming family is your life now, your hope, & I'm the ticket to your dream. It made me think really hard. Maybe I was wrong. I'm sorry if I trampled on your dreaming session a little, because it hurts me knowing I can't have this imagined life at all, or in the near future. I'll let you continue with this fantasy a little while more. Every little boy deserves his make-believe fantasies. For you, maybe I can hold off reality just a little while more, until you get yourself sorted out. (:

In the meantime, lets just treasure our remaining time together. Let tomorrow worry for itself.

시간 없어요

시간  없어요, you're leaving soon. Let's not get too attached. 

phonecall

I guess you brought me luck. My failing to submit my assignment was miraculously taken cared of. A most unexpected reply from my lecturer at 12am to extend the deadline was certainly most helpful. I could never dream of this. (: you just went "Peiru, you're welcome". I liked how thick-skinned you were, trying to earn credit and assuming it was all because of you. HAHAHA.

I never liked phonecalls. It was nice to know you never liked texting either, but you bent your preferences to suit mine. Why, thank you, that was very sweet of you. & I'm starting to like them.

What caught me by surprise most was when you said I was different. This is by far the most romantic lines anyone has delivered to me. Too original. You said "If you like me, its fine. But if you don't like me, its not fine". My heart melted. You confessed that you don't know what's gonna happen to you tomorrow, and you stick to the initial plan that you never intended to start a life with just anyone. But, "you, I've got a feeling that you may be the one I wanna start a new chapter with".

You've got no idea. It was so romantic. I thought "even if i were to die this moment, I have no regrets having you, to actually tell me that".

You sent me in shock. You sent me so much love. You sent me a ray of hope I lost such a long time ago.

But no, I cannot succumb to love still. I can't let love blind me again. But Edward, I really appreciate all these.

At this moment, I hate you. you asked me how much. I said "just a little". but you really know, i really really really really really really hate you a whole lot. (: I bet you do, love. I bet you do. 

bittersweet

So my best friend went, "우리 페이루한테 잘해줘야돼요."

you went "나는 그녀를 존중합니다, 그녀는 소중한 사람이니까요 :)"

best friend says "응 우리한테도 소중한 친구예요. 잘해주시길 바래요~ ㅋㅋ"

I told you "지금 잘해주지 말아요. 그래야 니가 떠날때 내 마음 그렇게 아프지도 않을거고 넘 보고싶지도 않을거예요."

This really sent me crazy "나 지금 울고싶어요. 페이루가 너무 착해서 걱정이 많이되요. 가슴아프게 하고 싶지 않은데,, 내가 너무 이기적이라 보고싶으면 손잡고 싶으면 안고싶으면 그렇게 해야되는데....."

I'm not sure what's ahead. But for now, let's just take one step at a time. 

tonight, lets just live in the moment

4th meeting: you were troubled. I was out having fun. My farewell night.

I wanted to say, "이따가 꼭 와야돼요. 그 사람들은 나 술을 마시게 만들거에요." But I couldn't bear to let you worry about me when you were having troubles of your own. 

You said "I should have come to save you." That was enough for me.

I'm sorry I worried you. It feels good having someone to think about me in that way. I wanted to give you the surprise, I'm sorry I couldnt pick up your calls before I appear before you. 

Tonight I just wanted to give you a hug and go home. I'm glad you made me stay a little while longer. I enjoy the walk in the park. I'll keep this memory fresh for as long as I can remember. 

I hope I made your day less gloomy than it was (: 

To not cage is the better option

The more I think about it, the more impossible we are. Yet, there's something about you that makes my heart flutter. You always open yourself up to me, yet I still feel as if you have a mountain of history awaiting to be uncovered. You always look as if you have something to say to me. Yet all I hear is a undisrupted silence filling the void between us. But you said that you always imagined having a normal conversation but somehow when you see me, the words just won't come out easily. It's magical isn't it? Of the so many scenarios we imagine, we can only materialize so much. So what was it that stopped you? I would really love to think I made you shy. Then again, it might be the more possible reason that I'm too boring to talk to. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's always safer to be humble than be assuming, so there would be less embarrassment. I thoroughly enjoy your company. Especially our bantering on paper as if we were mutes, alternating between Korean and the English language. It is a kind of cheap thrill that only you could provide.

& somewhere, deep down, I did hope your imaginary application form you filled was genuine.

Then again, we cannot happen. We shouldn't happen. Therefore we won't happen. You're meant for bigger & more exciting things.

I'd be nice to know if I could, but I never would think of caging a bird.

No, it wouldn't last.

I don't want to define things, but I don't know what we are. So what if you were my boyfriend, so what if we keep things platonic. Friends can hold hands & friends can hug. But while we live in the moment, where would this lead us to?  So what if we kiss and not tell, it doesn't make us any less intimate, & neither does it make us any closer. Sometimes I do miss, but I do think of the unspoken hard truths that you wouldn't stay for long. There's this phantom set of factors that deter me from expecting more, and my usual emotional self has acquired a new set of skills of self-control. I've grown more rational to not want things that are unrealistic and beyond my reach. How ingenious & perceptive & witty you always seemed to be only widened the distance between us. You were always sweet, & you embodied the idea of the romantic love I  always covet & hanker after.  Because of this reason alone I could choose to ignite brighter the fire of passion and love. It bring us closer & better. But what for? Your stay would be as short-lived as the flame on a birthday candle. Once the realization of the futility kicks in, there's really nothing much to look forward to but shadows  of our past in a well spent summer break. If you were my perfect partner, with your leaving, what you bring along would be a series of my broken dreams, & what you leave behind will never be anything less than shards of a broken heart.

It's always difficult to love. But it's more difficult forget a future that I once had it so real, but knowing I'll never have it. So why not put a stop to all these delusive feelings that we have while we haven't defined anything yet? 

Or should we revel in our remaining moments just to satisfy our transient infatuation?

game of love.

For now, love is the last thing on my mind. But no doubt I'm still in love with the idea of romantic love. So while I enjoy being part of it, I want everything to remain platonic. That night, was one that deserved to be documented, because I'm not sure if I'll meet anyone like this again. I woke up, and everything was so surreal, yet, the conversations from the night before replayed inside my head a thousand times. & it was a conversation I never want to forget. 

 16th Jan. Dinner with Korean at Newton. He wasn't exactly the most handsome guy I've met. But so far, I was charmed by the kiwi+korean accent he had. I loved the dimples & this smile, so genuine, shy & happy, all at the same time. I loved the way he cracked his brains over two math/IQ questions I posed. The way he tried so hard & frowned was just pure sorcery. I was enchanted by the business speeches he told me about, and I listened as if I understood every single bit about it. Not that I didn't, just that while i understood the logic behind his thoughts, I wouldn't understand the implications of their business meetings and conversations about marketing techniques, buying over restaurants and selecting prime locations for the opening of Chris's bistros. Then I realised he belonged to a different league, one that I would wow over, but he sort of established this entrepreneurial frontier that I could probably never transcend. So there's this imaginary distance. Physically there yet spiritually we're both isolated. We have such differing dreams and lifestyle and mindset. Each time I feel he's so much more superior than I was. Yet, he would constantly put me on a pedestal (or so i thought), which made me very flattered and I've slowly let my guard down. His subtle humour captivated me. I just realised he is a smoker, & he was telling me about how he tried to avoid lighting sticks before my arrival. "I didn't want to smell like an ashtray." I laughed. Somehow, for the kind of ironic impression he is building is fascinating. Eventually I got to know that he smokes anyway. Still, 100 brownie points for effort. Then I fixed my eyes on his dimples again, letting my emotions take over my sanity. I didn't care if my feebled mind clouded my judgements. I didnt know how, everything happened in a flash. He took my hand in his. I let him. I was shocked, I really was. But the way he held it, it was just, so incredibly tranquilizing yet perplexing. It sent surges of this fuzzy, warm feeling that feels like a mini heartattack. But his fingers and palm fit so snugly around mine like the most perfect key-lock combination. He asked, "how did it feel?". I said, "I'm shocked". He looked slightly disappointed. But i'm sure it didn't matter much to him. & I refused to tell him the other half of what I felt, that his grip was full of masculinity & was definitely the best hand I've held. My mind was shouting, "OMG it feels damn freaking good. please never let go. Please just hold on to it this way, until the world comes to an end." But I know I couldn't, because if I was all honest, I would lose this love game.

You said "I don't want a relationship, because I don't even know what'll happen to me tomorrow". I wanted to tell you, "Let me be a part of it anyhow. Lets just experience now together, until there's no tomorrow."

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architect of dreams.

I will always remember the overseas trips I've missed, the dinners I've skipped, the many social invitations I declined and the time with family I regretfully postponed for days after another just for assignments and exams I am always poorly prepared for.

But scoring As and even over the 90 mark are phenomenons that I've not experienced since I was fourteen, and it makes me dwell in glorious moments of my yesteryears, that I topped in many aspects of my academic and social life. While I looked back in depair and regret, I always reminded myself its never too late to pove myself again.

My current grades, although far from my ideals, justified these sacrifices that I've made, for a better future and personal educational gains. Or so I think.

I have plans for my future, yet, nothing has been materialised. It made me recognise the fact that luck and opportunities are more realistic than anything I have projected, and none of those were inputs in my equations. I sincerely hope the future I have imagined would turn out the way it should be, otherwise, I would just be pointlessly, at best, an architect of dreams.

While I slog to complete my assignment right now, part of my being wanders aimlessly at the social events that I can join again, as soon as I finish this. *sigh*

good luck to me struggling to get past this x-bar theory.