Happy new year!

Oppa. I'm in Malaysia's hotel now.
Here's my view and room!






It's new year there already. I'm so glad you decided to at least update me about how you feel. Hokayyy. I'll let you have your way. I love you oppa. These feelings never changed. Not even with the new year.

Happy new year. Hope you have a blast tonight too!

<3
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Happy New Year's Eve

Wow. I woke up and read my post last night. Looks like I was pretty angry.

Maybe that's what lacking in sleep do to me. Angry Peiru. Heh.

Today is gonna be such a long long day, even though my release is at 2pm.

Happy New Year's Eve oppa.

New year, new beginnings.

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Truth be told

I earned myself a high profile position now. I'm invited to important meetings & private lunches with the bosses. I'm pretty happy with my place now. I've registered for new courses in school. I got everything I wanted. I'm going to Malaysia for a mini staycation with my friends for New Year's Eve countdown party.

I am in a good place & I deserve it all. It's my hardwork paying off.

Yet it doesn't feel complete.

at night, when I walk home alone, the roads always looks further and away than they seem.



I'm pining away and surviving on bouts of hope thrown to me out of pity. I'm like a little puppy awaiting her owner to come back and claim her. Only to be met with a lot of disappointment & the like.

You said before you want to let me know how you're doing. Just not through the phone or any social media. I thought for once you'd rely on the traditional letter. So ever since everyday I'll open the mail box. Sometimes when it's filled, I'm excited, I flip through the stack hoping one of them is sent by you. Then, letter after letter, and then the disappointment is delayed, only to find out that none is addressed to me. Sometimes, like today, the mailbox only had 3 letters. It's easy to sift. Yours isn't there.

So what if I wait until June. What would it prove? I love you. I do. It doesn't have to wait till June to be proven. I can wait. But why do I have to? what's the purpose? What are you searching for?

You're too greedy. You had $50 but you want to go for the hundred. You had the burger but you want the steak. You had an Audi, but you want the Bugatti. You had me, but it wasn't enough for you.

What is it you're trying to achieve?

I think about everything you said. I can always find reasons to believe that you still love me.

But truth be told. You most probably don't anymore.


Remember this corner? I don't even remember what we were quarreling over. But that night you pretty much made up your mind to break up. I begged you to stay. When I thought it was over, I thought my life was pretty much over too. You took me back out of pity. I know it in my bones. You hugged me only because of past feelings that expired on that day. & it still hurts. How can you decide so fast to turn your back on me. How could you decide to not love me in just a matter of hours? Especially when I'm the last person in the world who wouldn't want to hurt you?

For a person who's left alone for a large part of his life, I can't understand why life did that to you. But now, I can't understand what you're doing to your life when it's starting to treat you better.

Maybe I'm too full of myself. Maybe I'm not the only one treating you so well. Maybe you have tons of people treating you the same, or even better than I do. Good for you. I can't give you anything better than this I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you met me.

Oppa. You can save the effort of visiting everyday. It's quite pointless already. It doesn't prove anything. You're free to go. So please don't lie to me that you're coming back.

Why can't you just tell me you won't. So I have a proper reason to let us go? I just wish no matter what people do to me, at least you, of all people, would never ever lie to me.

It's hurting again tonight.

God. Please.

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cravings

I remember how you told me you never had a craving for food, until you came here and you went back to auckland, and realised that you were missing some foods here.

I guess thats the craving we're talking about,

today i had the craving for durians, but i havent exactly recovered from my cough. there's still one thick slab of phlegm i can feel it stuck at the bronchial tubes at the throat. it's disturbing. damn.

I thought only Singaporeans would have a craving for things in only Singapore. I guess I'm wrong. I have a craving for something Auckland, something Korean too. heh.

I don't know what's so irresistable about you. but there's no reason for a craving. you just want it. you just have to have it.

Oppa, how have you been? I know you'd be able to live your life well without me. I've come to terms with that & now, I'm just happy you're happy.

I know you're living life well. but I won't just stop there, because i always just want something better for you. so, oppa, please live better. you deserve everything better.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. but I'll always try harder. (: there's always room for improvement right?

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not easy

i miss you so much. its not fair you're able to find out so much about me with minimal effort while I struggle with not knowing how you're doing now. whether good or bad, i want to know. sometimes I have the urge to just pick up the phone and text you. but I no longer have the courage to do it, because I fear your reaction. So should I be inclined to still think about you or not, i'm not sure anymore.sigh.

it's not easy. if only you'd imagine me in my shoes. if only you'll think about me for once.

you'd realise it's not easy to keep writing like this hoping for the man I love to come back to me.

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errors & the only fangirl left disppointed

reading back at my entries, i realised there are so many mistakes that i've made during my half asleep mode. some sentences i typed didnt even make sense, but i shall not change it. if its not well constructed language, so be it. maybe this reminds me of the flaws of people, and the mistakes people make. i believe as long as i make room for change and forgiveness, everybody can be happy and mark-free again.

yesterday it was a really fun night. this friend of ours has a nickname on instagram. "nokeboi" so HanTiong said that it must have formed years ago when he stood outside of his house, and had no keys to go home, his neighbours must have named him "no key boy", and formed "nokeboi" since. HAHAHAAHHAA.

there are a few mouth slips too against chinese and english. you wont understand. but it's just so funny.

i was damn bad. this guy is bald. i dont know if its by choice or he lost his hair early in his 30s. i didnt dare to ask these questions for you know sometimes it can be quite sensitive. LOL. but i had lunch with him and a girlfriend, xuemin. Not sure if you still remember her, she works in the building as me... i was showing them my new ipad app, i could draw things and type words there. then... i wrote

"이거 오빠 머리 없어요" --->

and held the ipad beside his head. hahahah. :p

thankfully he doesnt understand korean otherwise i'd be in deep trouble. phew... but xue min and i had a good laugh.

and then when i was out with wee ling last night, suddenly i got a text message from Jiamin. she said "oppa liked Wee Ling's photo on instagram"

-_-'''

then she said "he must have missed singapore food a lot". HAHAHAHA.

if you do, please come over and i'll let you have all of your favourites plus everything i haven't let you try. What you tried was not even half of the diversity of food here.

but at the end of the day, my girly emotions took over and wondered, why didnt oppa like my pictures instead :'(

i'm jealous. i am. its the kind of a superstar situation where fans gather round the famous person and those who gets a handshake wouldn't wash their hands for the rest of their lives, and those who didn't would just live in regret that they didn't stretch their hands far out enough or blame themselves for not being there earlier so that they can be closer to the stars.

Wee ling got the handshake. but i don't.

but despite my devoted appreciation, sigh. you're leaving a fangirl in disappointment.

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tired

oppa, you must be tired of hearing me complain about being tired but i cant help it. it's really so tiring. i cant remember the last time i had a full 7 hours of sleep. lately im always sleeping 6 hours or less. then i remembered how i sleep better in your arms. oh. thats feeling. i wonder if from now i can only just feel.

today was such a long day. got to work, after work i had dinner, after dinner i had supper, after supper there was the ice cream. its daniel's birthday yesterday but it was weird to wish him publicly or privately so i didn't. but happy birthday daniel.

and here's the group photo of the day.


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& so this is love.

oppa, I think I grew up a lot during this period of your absence. I think deeper & more rationally. But there's something that probably didn't change. My bones are aching. I think I miss you too much that not only I have a heartache, but also a boneache. HAHAHA.


I miss you. Weather has been cold. The violent draft lifts my little dress up , and my hair gets blown away like those you see in shampoo commercials.I should be pretty like that and I wish you were there to hold me so that I don't get blown away, and to hold me down and shelter me with your sturdy frame and warm embrace.


I miss you. Lets fight life together. It's less lonely that way. & It's only your company I prefer. I don't want anyone else. I like your face, I know I can live with it for the rest of my life. People say you're not handsome, I would tell them this...

 "I can look at him the entire day, everyday, for the rest of my life. Never once did I get tired of it, & I'm prepared to accept the fact that he gets old. Everyone gets old. But there's one thing that I can committ to promise, that even if this face ages, to me, I can choose to remember the past, when it looked younger, but I would always remember the warm hearted, cheeky boy that I first fell in love with, and this face and this man, would the only one that would make me fall in love with over, and over and over, and over again." & so this is love.

iPad mini

Oppa :) I finally got my iPad mini :)) I finally succumbed to temptation & got myself one hahaha :p





Merry Christmas!

I know it's over but I really hoped you enjoyed yourself this festive season. It's better celebrated with me. I'm quite sure, but please make do in my absence.

But this, will be the icing on the cake...

I love you.

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Merry Christmas :)

It pays to be kind & it pays to give. Today it's a very very very busy day.

So many people gave me gifts. These are now sitting on my office table. I so want to eat the Godiva chocolates so I can't to gonna my to office on the 26th.



So the entire day I had to entertain people. Didn't work much :) we could go off at 3pm. But my friend could only go off at 4pm. Different bosses, different treatment heh!

So I went to town for more shopping & ate this.. Butter sales egg pork ribs!! Yum yum!



Merry Christmas oppa. The post office informed me that you've received my parcel. Did you?

Hope you liked it. I sent it to the address you wrote behind my letter. Hope you received and understood the depths of my love for you.

Good night. I'm going to sleep now. :) good night love.
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