I'm still trying

Oppa, I saw this segment on a show. I'm sorry it's not original but I adopted it because this is what I would have told you. I added my own lines too, with the help from jia min. I'm still trying to learn your language, & trying for you. &; this is what I would like to tell you...

나 사실 겁이 많아요
공포영화 볼때 눈도 못 뜨고
높은 데 가면 다리가 후들거려요
하지만 제일 무서운 건
당신을 볼 수 없다는 것이다

오빠 사랑해. 오빠도 날 사랑했잖아. 그런데 지금 왜 그 사랑하는 느낌을 다시 찾을 수 없는거니?

Really, really afraid to lose you. But I still lost you anyway. Really really want to be yours, but you rejected me anyway. No matter what I did for you, all I want is to be the nicest person I can be to you in the entire world. But it seems like no matter how hard I try, no matter what kind of effort I put in, I reap nothing still. I'm not really okay. Nobody in the world can ever be cool about losing their love, what's more, you're the man I loved most. But at the same time, I don't want your pity. To love you, and to continue to love you after we're done is a choice I've made. So don't give me sympathy, don't say sorry. I hate to hear sorry from you most. Because you're just telling me you won't do the same for me, & it's a reality I want to come to terms with on my own pace.

Maybe you're thinking, why do I still love you, after all that's happened. I could only say, because I just love you for you. It's cliched, I know. but I guess what makes me surprised is despite me seeing all your shortcomings, I can still love you this much. I could make a list, please don't be sad because no one's perfect, I could make a list for myself too. But I could see your beauty beyond those imperfections.

For others, maybe if they good & bad to me, I'll remember only the bad stuffs. With you, even if the good and bad stuffs transpired, I forget about the bad almost immediately the next day. Oppa, I think this breakup is so painful I'm losing memory unconsciously of us. Maybe in future we can make new ones again. But I'm scared of losing our past too, because I want to remember how I fell in love with you. I want to remember how you used to love me too. So here I am, trying to recall everything good we went through before I truly forget involuntarily.

1. Our first meeting, how you came to my table at the Corner Place and talked to us. I tried speaking to you in korean & you shyed away
2. How you came by our table before we went away, leaving your facebook and number and you told the group "I wish someone would bring me around...." then you pointed towards me and said "especially you"
3. How we texted, & you said you'd be my star/moon, following me around whever I am
4. How we met at Newton Circle, had a hearty talk and you charmed me with you wits and humour
5. How you held my hand & how it tingled my heart & made my heart pump so fast my hands are shaking, but because you help it so tight you probably didn't feel it
6. How our day ended awkwardly, decided never to contact you again but eventually did
7. How we went for a scary movie & you held my hands again. What an opportunist you Oppa (:
8. How you didn't care how I was so anxious about my homework and brought me to eat sushi
9. How you kissed me at the staircase in Yishun after our movie
10. How happy you looked eating crabs
11. How you loved and embraced our local foods like the oyster mee sua, fried chicken, bubble tea, noodles and all
12. How romantic everything can be even if its just a simple walk to the jetty behind my house, walked from Yishun to Khatib, talked about everything in at the playground in the garden
13. How hard you hugged me as if everytime were the last time
14. How you rested comfortably on my thighs (I admit I once hated it, but I did change my mind)
15. How you always tried to push me away while you smoked
16. How you massaged my legs when I said they were aching or cramped
17. How you shyed when youtry to tell me something romantic
18. How we painted our future under my cousin's apartment, when we kept sneaking out & talked as if we were married
19. How you impulsively said "lets get married" one day right before you left for New Zealand for the first time, but later took it back
20. How you washed the plates despite your allergy to detergent because you wanted to do your part after I cooked
21. How you praised my cooking even though it's not the best in the world & finished the entire thing because you didn't want to waste my effort, despite being already too full
22.  How you told everyone that "this girl, I want to marry" to your uncles, to Nicky, to everyone you see
23. How you pouted when you didn't know what to do when I was angry
24. How manly you were even when you scolded me
25. How someone like you would cry over me.
26. How you came back for me one day after you left with your luggage
27. How you texted me even though it's not your favourite mode of communication
28. How you kept calling when you reached New Zealand & tried to skype
29. How you take pictures and told me you want to bring me there next time
30. How you take notice of what I like & try to give it to me, like the piece of chewing gum you got from Nicky and pictures of planes
31. How you sang to me in my cousin's place because you wanted me to know those lyrics which were then from the bottom of your heart
32. How street smart you are
33. How well you interacted with my friends
34. How my friends and family equally loved you
35. How your uncle treated me with so much kindness by virtue of our relationship
36. The gentle way you kissed me, and my forehead sometimes
37. How you were angry with me because you felt helpless when I had a serious toothache
38. How you loved Choya and kept drinking till you got yourself drunk
39. How much you used to miss me, and bothered telling me
40. How you say "I love you" several times a day. It's the best feeling on earth to be reminded that you loved me
41. How cute your friends were, especially Daniel and Dong Woo
42. How cheeky you were all the time
42. I loved bickering with you, & then you pretend that you've lost, but you just let me win anyway
43. How you looked into my eyes, with so much passion I could feel the love already
44. How you put your hands supporting my head the entire night and you told me it wasnt numb at all
45. How you piggy backed me from the convenience store behind my house when my slippers broke & even though I was so heavy, you tolerated all the way until I went home
46. How you sometimes whisper to me
47. How you made me "pregnant" in the MRT & we laughed so much over it
48. How you had those funny pictures and sent them to me. My favourite was still the sick frog. HAHA.
49. How you wished you were a more accomplished man before you asked my dad for my hand
50. How reluctant you were when you said "Lets break up."

I could go on. But let's face it, everything good would eventually come to a stop anyway. But one thing that would never stop I guess, is that my heart would forever beat for you. "Right here honey, right here", was what you used to tell me, pointing to your heart, telling me I'm right there, and that you're right in front of me.

"One day, one day" was also your trademark line. I remember how cheeky you always sound when I fooled you sometimes, and that you would get back at me one day. HAHAHA.

we were so good together. We were so good together ...

My love for you would one day move God. I don't wish for him to return you to me now.

Just be happy my love. Just be happy, for me.

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