I just came home & got myself packed. I'm overwhelmed by a range of emotions I don't even know where to begin with. Coming home to an empty room felt emptier than ever. I know why. Because you're not here. Gone are the days waking up to see you first thing in the morning. Although this love drought won't last for long, I wonder when I can see you again. I still feel like I'm floating in the air due to the long flight, & it helps to not feel like I'm back to reality. The past 5, 6 days feels too much like a dream & I'm still too touched that you'll ever come back to me. It makes those months that I cried and waited for you all worthwhile. And as I am typing this now, I miss you so much that my tears won't stop. This emptiness from not being able to see and hug you hurts me, yet I must remember that although I'm alone, I'm not lonely. Oppa, you make me feel so weak. But I must know this weakness is good for us, it is what makes us feel and makes us human. It is the signal that our love is still strong & love is the only fuel in the world that can be eternal, only if we want to.
I'm thankful that you came back. I'm thankful that you wanted to make it up to me. I'm thankful I got to see you again. I'm thankful for the beautiful sceneries & excellent stays. I'm thankful to your mom & god that you're made so perfect. So perfect for me. I still feel you're the best fit for me & there's nothing in this world I want more. To you I can be softer & warmer, I don't have to pretend like a hard hearted person like I always have to at work. In front of you I can be myself, I can be real. I can break down & cry & I can laugh hysterically like a mad woman drowned in love. I love all the friends you made & all the people that treated you like family & I feel like I'm part of them too.
I know you'll make something for yourself in future. I believe strongly in you. But even if you don't, it won't mean I'll love you any lesser. Even if we live on minimum wage & have to fight harder in life I wouldn't mind, because living life together with you is what makes my life meaningful. For so many years of my life I've been floating without realizing it. I've chased the materialistic side of myself but now I have everything, in fact, so much that I have nothing else to wish for but you... & I've learnt that there are things in the world that money can't buy.
I love New Zealand honey. I love that it has cows and sheeps all over the plains and hills. It's got landscapes so beautiful my very urbanised Singapore don't have. It's very laid back & it's very enjoyable. I know that you love this lifestyle. However there are certainly pros and cons in living in the different cities. But the biggest difference I've come to realise is not about how good these two countries are, but whether you are there or not.
Friends are people I can make anywhere, though good friends are hard to come by. Then again, I believe the good friends I've already made will always be there for me. But lovers, once the chance is missed, once given up, once let go, you'll never ever find the same one again. & for this sole reason, no matter what you think of us, even if you would give us up again, I would never ever be the one to let you go.
It's 1.30 now & you must be asleep. I hope my phone serves you well & doesn't run out of battery so fast. Please leave me a message once you've woken up because I'm feeling so empty since Melbourne. I thought I'd be able to catch you for a minute but maybe your phone ran out of battery.
I'm going to sleep now & I'll blog again tomorrow perhaps. From thousands of miles away again, I wish you'd have a super good sleep & tomorrow I'm going to work early in the morning to fight for our brighter future again.
I love you. I hope this time, it's enough for you.
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