Insecurities

Insecurities stems from within. It is an elusive force that can serve to stray you away from the people you love, or when taken positively, it can be a motivation to make one try to fortify bonds between people. I'm specifically referring to lovers. I went Auckland with trepidation. I'm all by myself in a foreign land. I'm scared. To a far extent I'm brave but still a daddy's girl. But I brought along my personality and friendliness and embraced the other side of the world with open arms. I met nice people majority of the times. I'm glad the plane flights were pleasant and there was nothing to stop my love for planes and journeys and the like. I came from thousand of miles away, not understanding fully what our big little separation was for since last 27th September 2013, I decided it was do or die.

& I was glad I plucked all the courage I had to come to you. Despite concerned voices worrying whether I'd get myself hurt again, I know I didn't make the wrong decision, because so far, you were my best, and I mean best, choice I've ever made.

I remember I weeping until I fell asleep, I remember my heart hurt so much I couldn't breathe. I remember locking myself indoors because my pride was so beaten I felt so insecure the world seemed too dangerous to go out, I remember feeling so inferior for being abandoned I couldn't face people because I thought the whole world hated me. But somehow, the warmth, happiness, just spending simple times with you will override all the pain. & I know you're worth everything I can ever give.

I spent the best summer with you in 2014. & I look forward to more adventures, with you. Maybe next time we don't have to splurge. We can just spend within our means. Road trips with you are fun. We stop by the roadside, look at some cows, scaring them with my purse looking like the colour of their skin, breezing through the wind while you smoke a cigarette, taking slow, romantic walks along the roads are enough for me. Love doesn't have to be too complicated. I can skip the expensive meals and have just spam and rice with you. I can do without a Louis Vuitton bag, but I cannot do without you.

This time when I came back to Singapore, the insecurities started to seep in again. I'm not sure if I'll get abandoned again. I'm not sure if we'll separate again. But I guess it's just something I have to deal with myself. Please bear with me if I text you a little bit more. I know I just have to trust you no matter what. Sometimes these overwhelming female hormones get the better of me. Sometimes I feel like crying so badly after watching a touching scene on YouTube people posted on Facebook about marriage proposals. I didn't need to cry but I just do. Sometimes when I eat alone at home I would cry & I don't even know why. I'm quite sure it's the hormones at work. So oppa, please be patient with me for being a cry baby.

For the first time in my life, you're that someone and something I want to get but I couldn't immediately. Because we're geographically apart, we have to wait. But I know you're not just someone I want, you're someone I need. You make me feel like no one ever did before. It's an unexplainable feeling. Plus the dread of having to find another one like you is a pain. (Haha I'm kidding!)

You're so special to me. You have to know this.

So about the insecurities that came in the form of crying, nightmares, I guess in time to come they'll go away. & I'm excited about April. Please come quick. My heart is wilting since the day I left you. & only you can restore it to my glory days again.

With lots of love,
Pei Ru

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