It's not something to be proud of, knowing how you actually felt about me. I knew it. From the time we reconciled, and until now, I feel your distance. Your lack of "I love you"s and enthusiasm to update me about your life, and to wake me up in the morning has been disturbing me a whole lot. I've been trying to channel this into other things I do but every 5 seconds all I think about is how to salvage this love.
So today we had the talk. I told you how I feel and you confirmed my suspicions, that ever since that day you felt different, you never quite bounced back. I felt it right from the start, but it was easier since you were still around. Now that you're not, everyday is living hell. To live without my loved one loving me is living hell. My heart gets ripped apart millions of times a day, yet I'm surviving on one single thread of hope that you'll come back to me. You said you are sure you'll bounce back not just because I'm good to you, but because I am the one. But later on when I asked, "what if you never bounce back? What if the feeling never comes back?" You weren't sure anymore. My heart sank, with tonnes of stones pulling my entire heart down. But I don't want to force you. If you feel this way, the harder I push, the further you will stray away from me. I started reading love quotes to regain a new perspective of our relationship. There was one that really struck me. "Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold it tighter"
I immediately knew it was wrong. Not until I try until the very last moment, not until you give up, I wouldn't. But I thought about it. You wanted to give us up before, that very fateful day. I must have made you very angry. But please let me know if that's an option. This time I would back off and let you love your life if that makes you happier. Perhaps I'm holding too tight onto you. But if even I let go, our relationship would really fail. So please don't blame me for holding onto you. You really don't know what you mean to me. To me you are my world. I cannot imagine if I have to live without you. The extent of my love, you really really have no idea.
Another quote says "love is a decision, a judgement, a promise . If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and goes" -Erich Fromm ... but promises stay. So if it's the feeling you're searching for, perhaps it would only last us temporarily. But my feelings for you is as strong as an eternal promise. It would never change.
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It's dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds. It dies of weariness, of with wrings and of tarnishings" - Anais Nin. Love shouldn't die between us. But I did something wrong to make you lose the feeling. In essence I'm pretty sure it died. I'm sorry for my error. I would say this a thousand times, and I would still feel sorry. But I'm doing everything I can to salvage my mistakes, to make it up to you. Please stay with me. Please.
This quote really voices my heart "sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence" -David Byrne. I thought this is so us. We had nothing in common yet everything you say captivates me. This was how I fell in love with you. Yet I'm not sure why you fell in love with me. Maybe there's nothing left to keep you by my side anymore... Maybe that's why you lost it.
I loved the way you are, slowly, by your voice, then your character, and slowly, everything about you. I cannot let go. Yet, I slowly realize, I cannot be selfish to keep you by my side. Perhaps all you want is to walk away without feeling the burden of love. But love never comes easy. The right one never comes easy. You can't throw it away....
Kyoung tae oppa, don't throw us away.
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