3rd day

29 Sept 2013: Today's love dedication - Every single day, my heart still travel tens of thousands of miles from Singapore to Auckland, arrive at your doorstep to show my love for you. Oppa, I love you.

Today it's all about me. 

 Today my vision blurred. My joints are aching. I know I have to eat something. But i really can't. Plus I need to save money. I can't spend like the past anymore. If I am going to find you there, I'll need this sum of money so we could have enough. I drank soya bean milk and a bottle of vitamin C water to sustain the entire day. At night I could feel my stomach acid seeping into my stomach. I don't want to get gastric so I flushed myself with lots of water. I didn't tell you this so that I want you to sympathize with me. I don't need sympathy. Neither do I want you to feel so guilty to join me in this. This is too painful so please don't try. I only put it here for my own reference, so that I can see what I survived everyday & to hope I'll be stronger. My menses came. It's 3 times in 2 months. I must be really stressed. I still can't get up on my feet. My heart can only live when there's love, and for all the people who loves me, I've already transferred them onto you. Every night I hope god would take me away in my sleep, because this pain is too difficult to bear. Too difficult to bear.

I'm not sure if you are curious. But it's really tough going unloved by you. Every morning, I wake up in fright, and the first thing I do is to quickly check my phone to see if you texted me. If I'm tired enough to wake up only after 6 hours, I can't go back to sleep. If I just sleep for 3 hours, and I get frightened and check my phone, I still can't go back to sleep. Every single moment I live in fear, fearing that I'd lose you even after I lost you. Then after I wake up I try to focus on my studies. I take up a book, every 5 minutes I would think of you. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel like dying. I know I can't so I turn to friends. If i woke up too early my friends are not awake, I cry until i feel like vomitting. If I wake up late enough I text 10 different people to channel my negative feelings, only a few are nice enough to entertain my sorrows. I try not to disturb you and whenever I do, I really really am so down, my next option is to die. Sometimes i can't reach you, but it helps that you will text me back to say "I'm sorry peiru i missed your call". I'm thankful that you still would pick up my calls and listen to me talk. I'm thankful you didnt feel annoyed when I disturbed you. At least you didnt show it to me even if you did. Please know that I'm really really really sorry that I'm taking so much of your time to listen to my rambling. If I could control myself, I wouldn't. but when I call you, please know that I really need it.

Every day I wonder, what does it take for someone to lose feelings. This is the question that bugs me every single day. Is it because of my bad temper? But I promised I'd change. Is it because of my bad relations with my family, that you presume I cannot handle familial ties? But I actually am good at maintaining. Is it because my figure is not good enough? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Is it because you see no future in us? But i see a really happy couple in us, and I promised to keep it good forever. These thoughts just keep going in my head. My friend pointed it out that since your feelings changed, it'd never be the same. This statement literally scared me. But Jiamin said it's possible that oppa's feelings can mature, and develop into another kind of feeling that is more formidable, stronger than the first initial feelings that held us together. Deep down inside me, I know we're just never gonna be the same. Yet, I still believe that as long as two people devote to be together forever, feelings, lesser or more doesnt matter, because this couple has the stability, that no matter how one party treats the other, both would never leave each other.

That stability in relationships is what I want. The will of being together with each other, and no matter what, never to say break up. I know I did it a lot of times, but now I experienced how instable it is, I would never ever say it again. but to you, I'm just not the one you trust to not do this anymore. I apologize deeply, Iif only I had the chance to make amends for you, I promise I would never do it again.

My friend asked me, before I decide to cry over our broken relationship, why am I actually crying? It's simple, I'm crying over the loss of not only you, but also a future so beautiful, a future we always imagined to be so perfect, is suddenly gone. Without this vision, I temporarily lost a sense of direction in life. You were always good at focusing on that's most important at the moment, probably that's why you can shut off your feelings and work like a machine, and be almost heartless. I'm just happy that of all the things you shut off, you would still talk to me and entertain my demanding sorrows. Again I must apologize for imposing on you.  Please understand what I'm going through is really hell, don't be angry or annoyed by me. please don't

The other day you said that you didn't do anything for me. You're so silly oppa. You did tons of things for me. You got my family food, toys and perfume. When my feet ached you would gently kiss it and massage it for me. You take my cold hands to your heart and warmed it up. You hug me to take the cold away. You make me laugh with almost every single comment you made, you're that funny. its all the simple actions you do that I appreciate and made me fall in love with you. My love is this simple to satisfy. Last night I was out with my friends, a bunch of them smoked and the smoke just blew in my face. then I remembered you Oppa, you would always push me away because you know I'd get affected by it. I'm just so touched. every single thing you do for me I remember and placed it in my heart. All of these simple gestures are your present for me, and each time I unfold them one by one, and I cry because I'll never get it again.

I thought a lot about how I should handle this breakup situation. Should I leave you alone or should I stay and hold on to us? I'm afraid everything that I'm doing now, when I feel sad I still call you, when I feel like it I still text you...  would irritate you sooner or later. If I continue, would you one day get sick of it? Please tell me if you would like me to stop this. I would control myself and never burden you with my excessive emotional texts and calls again. I really feel deeply sorry that I am bothering you T_T; Oppa I didn't mean it. I told you, every single day I'd remind you that you never have to feel alone again. So at least for that one text, you have to accept it. Unless you want me to stop. I will.  T_T;;;;;;; but I just can't bear. Even if I stop doing it, you must know every single day, whatever decision you make, you will be so so so loved by me. Whether I tell it to you or not, every morning, once you open your eyes, you might not see a text, but I'll always be around... Understand?

I just don't understand why your texts so obviously is telling me that you don't love me anymore but yet you give me hope. Last thursday, you said "I feel heart ache that my poor thing has to go to work *crying face*" "Hun I miss you *crying face* where are you....." "Can I come to your work by 11 30, we go lunch together" That one just broke me. You already went back to new zealand, yet you still said these. I feel like you still do care about me, yet your attitude towards me have changed entirely, that you just can't bring yourself to love me anymore.

All these days, the most you could say was "Thank you peiru", "Don't do this/that peiru", "Please don't be so nice to me" I really feel heartbroken. Because these words mean that "I really appreciate everything you have done for me, but I cannot treat you back the same, therefore, all i'm feeling is guilty, sorry and thankful that you're so nice to me". It sucks to know that the person whom you love so much, can only feel everything but love for you. Or this person, can feel your love for him, yet cannot bring himself to love you back.

Everyday, these are the thoughts that go through my head. These are the torture that I go through every day. but it saddens me more that no matter how down I feel, you don't love me enough to pick me up from the ground and tell me "hey, I had enough of hurting you. I shouldnt have done this to you because whatever you're doing hurts me double. lets just get back together & live the happy life we initially had planned" You don't love me enough like that.

My handphone wall paper is still your picture. I was advised to change it so I won't think about you anymore. I searched my entire phone for another picture to replace. It's all pictures of you and me. I wonder if you have already deleted them. I know you're that type who'd do it. If you havent I know you love me still. If you did, I would have absolutely no place in your heart. I couldnt find a suitable picture. So you're still on my wallpaper smiling at me. At least that oppa I see in the wall paper was the one who loved me with his entire heart.

Today I have a lot of inspiration to blog about our past. But I've had a really tiring day. today was worse than yesterday because I kept crying so hard. Even as I'm blogging this my eyes closed several times. Maybe i'd continue in another post tomorrow. But please know that you're not alone. I'm just tired tonight.

Lord, please take me away in my sleep. Its too painful to live without oppa. take me away.