2nd day

28 Sept 2013: Today is the 2nd day we broke up. I deliberated since yesterday whether I should blog about us. I'm afraid to confront my memories, because now memories are the scariest enemies. You know I have goldfish memory, but after you said the word yesterday, every single image started to surface into my mind. I'm so afraid of letting go I think of all these things we've been through, from the first day I knew you till the time you finally said it's over. I'm so afraid of letting go that memories are the only thing I can hold onto, it's the only thing that belongs to the both of us now. I revisited every single image, and each one just pierced into my heart. How magical was the way we met, how magical was the first time we met, how strongly i felt when you first held my hand for the wrong reason, and how attached I now feel towards you when you finally held my hand for the right reason. I just never thought that that strong hold of yours, that you once held so tightly upon, would bear to let it go... My heart, my heart is breaking, can't you feel it? I'm crying so loud, for so long, can't you hear it?

I'm afraid to let you know how I actually feel now. i'm not sure if my words would frighten you and scare you away again. If I love you too much, I'm afraid you would be intimidated. I'm afraid feelings would backfire and you would feel irritated and angry instead. I never want you to feel this way. I just want to love you. For all the people who left you behind, who left you alone and hungry, who never really cared about you, whether you had enough food to eat, whether you slept well, whether you had a place to stay, whether you felt cold on the winter nights, whether you felt lonely and just want a person to rest on... I need you to know that now I'm here, you never have to feel the same. It's precisely this reason I came back to blog to let you know you are not alone anymore. You don't have to deal with everything on your own anymore. Because I'm here, & I promise, with all my life, I would never ever leave. How sure am I? I'm so sure that I can swear upon my life, whether it's a day, a week, a month or a year, 10 years or 100 years later, this committment towards caring about every single aspect of your life, would never die.

I thought about our past. You used to lean on me. When we go to the cinemas you leaned on my shoulders, when I was at the pavillion at Chris's condo at Khatib, you would lean on my lap, when we were in a cab, at home, you'd do the same. I always found you weird, that it was always the girl leaning on the guy instead, seldom the other way round. I used to think why is this guy so soft, so dependent when he's with me despite seeming so strong in front of other people. Then after knowing you bit by bit, I finally understood why.. This poor boy, this poor boy, had to study so hard and hardly had time to play during a time when he was most innocently free and happy for studies... he had to be forced to grow up so quick because of his mother's illness, he had to grow up so quick to show his maturity just in case his mother would never come to witness again. He was forced to grow up so quick because of his heartless father and sister who let him be drived out of the country and of the house, he was forced to grow up so quick so that he can deal with the harshness that life has dealt him with. From so young he had to lose his innocence to fend for himself, for lodging, for basic food, for clothes and education. And finallly this boy met me. you carelessly trusted me, I don't know what about me that drew you towards me, and for such a long time, this boy could finally find a place to rest without worry, in quiet peace, and all he want to do is just to rest your head on my laps and let me carress him with my loving strokes. I was so happy because God led you to me. I know I could take care of you. Oppa, I am your home. I'm sorry I'm not the richest girl, I hope you don't mind, but I have enough money to let us not worry about anything anymore. I have tons of love to shower you with, so please, please come back home. Come back home to me. You can lean on me all you want, I'd lend you my shoulders, lend you my lap, and treat you with the tenderness you always lacked. Come home to me.... T_T;

You used to tell me, all you want is for us to live simply, get a place to live, wake up just to see each other everyday. That you're tired of life and you just want to settle down. You told me this is all you wanted. I used to want more. I used to think i have the capability to live a better life for us, so I thought of academic pursuits, of career pursuits, and I upset you once when I told you I thought of going overseas to study. Now they are no longer important to me anymore. After I got acquiainted to you and understood your character more, I found myself increasingly attached to you, and my dreams just aligned with yours somehow without my notice. Remember how reluctant I was when you wanted us to be together but I had so little faith I almost didn't want to start a long distance relationship with you? That little argument outside starbucks at the bench at Marina Square? You made me stay with you, you asked me to trust you. I trusted you, and day by day I loved you a little more, and a little more. Now, I can't get out of it.

I didn't want to tell you this, and neither do I want to stir up negative emotions inside of you. But I really can't help it. I'm too irrational now, I can't think with my brains. I have a quiz today and I studied hard for it. I wanted to fulfill my studies so that I can be prepared to take care of you whenever you need me to. I must be ever ready, whether you're willing or unwilling in future. This is what I tell myself constantly. But I am so weak, I'm sorry that when it comes to you, I'm so weak. I know I have to be stronger for you, but how can I be when I lost the love of my life? which hopelessly-in-love fool can be so unaffected when the person they want to love most is gone? I know you can. But my heart can't take it, I don't know how to survive this heartbreak. My biology is screwing up. My mind is so occupied with loss anything I put into my mouth my body rejects it, I puke hashbrowns and water and soup. But I'm so hungry. I want to survive well so I can take care of you. But I just can't swallow. I cried until i feel every organ in my body contracted with pain, they feel so messed up and it makes me vomit. I'm losing 1 kg a day. But i forced myself to go on, to study for the quiz later. But when my highlighter went out of ink, I rose to my stationery corner to reach out for my highlighter, I blacked out and I lost sight and became deaf temporarily. I almost fainted like the day I donated blood. & I just realised my body is failing, I'm scared. Oppa, I'm really scared. I swear I forced myself to eat. I really don't want to disappoint you but I can't cope with this loss.

You are my world. I gave my heart out to you. I gave my soul to you. I never regretted once for every single time and thing we did together and for each other. You are worth it. You are the most special person God has given to me. & each day of my life, I thank him for it.

 I remember the sunflower I got you on valentine's day. It's the first time I ever bought flowers for a boy. I told you you were special to me (: maybe somehow then I already knew we might not be together, so I wrote to you, something like "whether or not we are together, please retain this sunshine smile of yours". Your smile is so bright, I'm not sure if you realised. Your smile, together with the smiley eyes is just heartmelting. So whatever happens, remember my words, continue to smile. When you forget my words, you can always read my little card again. Don't throw away my concern for you.

Everyday I would pray for you, that your car that you spent so much energy on doing up would sell well for you to have better finances and a better life. I just feel so painful, because I'm not wealthy, I can't keep something you love so much for you. This heartache never goes away.

I don't care how you view us. But I made a promise to love you. Of all the times I said I wanted to leave, I'm sorry but I never really wanted to leave. It's my childish way to gain your attention back. & with each leaving it only made my feelings stronger for you because I feel the loss. But I never knew you were so sensitive to people leaving. I remember those times where you told me "i just never thought that you would leave" my heart ached. I swear I really never wanted to leave. How could I ever bear? It's my darling Eddie, my darling, how could I ever bear to leave you? This promise of love I made with you I'm holding on so tight, as tight as how you always held my hand, even if you chose to leave now doesn't mean I have to go too. I'm standing here, I'm standing right here, with welcoming arms I would always embrace your return. You can do whatever you want, like a kid who momentarily felt neglect and ran away from home, I'm the gracious homemaker, ready to receive this boy back into my arms again.

When you're with me, sometimes you're a man, sometimes you're a boy. You laugh so innocently, you play tricks on other people so carelessly and naughtily, you sometimes whine, I'm not even sure if you yourself realised. You'd do the "popo" thing just to kiss me. The signature "but I don't want to" sounds so cute I need to bite off your cheeks. It's so frivolous, willful and heartaching. I just immediately go "okay okay, you don't have to". I miss that. I am so thankful that in front of me you can be so genuinely you. You know I would be the last person to judge you. But I'm sorry for the times I failed to trust your abilities. I said that it was difficult for you to come over here, I didn't mean to undermine or look down on your abilities, I was just trying to prep you for the worst. I never thought you'd be hurt. i admit I said it in a very bad attitude. I'm sorry. But now it just doesn't matter anymore, because when I said I'm ready to abandon Singapore to go live with you, I meant every single word of it. I would never lie to you. You know me.

 When you are the man, you're so gentle. When my feet hurts after walking the entire day, you'd take off my shoes and massage them. When I tell you my finger or feet hurts you'd kiss them and the pain would go away. You whisper things to me and you're so cheeky at times. You hold my hand with such a strong hold even my heartstrings get tickled by you. You hug me with such a tight embrace I feel like you'll never let go. I feel safe and warm and all the cold and pain and aches goes away. You hug me in our sleep and the next day your hands are still there. Your body I always complained were fat, but I loved it. It's muscular with one pack but it transforms to 6 easily with my pen. You aren't born with the most perfect features but to me you're the handsomest guy I ever met and I just like the way you are. no other guys, not even the boy at korean plaza can beat you. You know I was always teasing you right? When you're around my head would never turn for others, my eyes can only fixate on you. I only wished all these while you actually saw when i look at you, it literally looks like the iphone emoticon with the heartshaped eyes. You have a sense of humour that appeals to me, everything you say is funny to me. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and moral values that govern your thinking. It's all so alluring and mesmerizing at the same time. Your voice is a lullaby, it's so calming my troubles goes away, it sounds like a song that I would replay on my itunes again and again and again. How can I ever get sick of a person like this? You're just too perfect to me I feel inferior, maybe I'm not good enough for you.

I still can't stop blaming myself that it is my impatience that made you initiate our ending. I can never ever forgive myself for this. But regardless, I know once this is over, you'd never come back. Given your pride, I know you won't. That's why I offered you the option that when you want to come back, i'll always welcome you back, I wanted to make sure this strongheaded boy knows he could. I'm so scared of what's out there for us. But please know that I will never ever ever quarrel with you again. We have to find a way to sort out our differences. Next time I will immediately forgive you, on the spot, for everything that I may find offensive. I won't even give you a last warning. No yellow cards, no red cards. Immediate forgiveness, and I'm committed to do this for you. Because Eddie, you're special enough. Your happiness is my priority and I really mean it. 날 믿어요.
  
 My heart aches so much for everything you are going through right now. I wished I could help. I bet I can. But all I can do is I know you're going through a little heartbreak everyday as well. So I hope this would fill that emptiess in your heart for a little while. Everyday, I will show you I'm here for you. I'll text you everyday to remind you you're loved by someone so you can choose to be alone, but you don't have to be lonely again.

Today's : Eddie, remember you're still deeply loved by me.  사랑해요.