Update: Turns out you're okay. You just overslept. I'm relieved. Ever since you 'ran away' I become paranoid, I'm scared you'd leave again. Now it's worse, because you're not in my territory. The Earth is so vast, the seas are too violent. If I don't hold onto you, I don't know when you're slipping away again. I fear the feeling of loss. May it never strike upon me again. I've learned the values to cherish and value current moments of joy. Please be on the same side as I am Edward.
It can be just us against the World.
Today I told you how I really felt, you said "I finally feel like you are 100% with me, you have got my back, you support me and trust me for who i am, not what I will be in the future." I'm glad we arrived at this conclusion after so long. I'm sorry I took so long to realise all the good in you. I swear I knew it before, otherwise I wouldn't have been with you. But I just wonder why did it take so long to surface into my consciousness. Perhaps because you weren't here, to help me realise what you meant to me. I'm a physical person. Perhaps because I hardly see and feel you so the love is difficult to manifest itself into my heart from my brains. All along our relationship have been too-good to be true, it's hard for me to believe that we can stand against the test of time and distance. I hope you understand me. But it's different now. I now believe we are strong enough if only we want to. Please be on the same page as me. I hope nothing has changed on your side.
Edward, I see you as a very well-formed man. Through this September visit, you told me about your past again. This time, you fed me with more details. I don't sympathise or pity you honey. In fact, I envy your strong character and I admire your traits. It is both charming and touching at the same time. You possess the kind of resilience toward this merciless life that dealt you with nothing gentle, nothing I can ever imagine. My experiences shy in the light of yours. What I have gone through is nothing compared to what you have been through, yet while I wallow very much in my own self-pity, you embrace life as it is and give it no worries. I'm the opposite of you, and you became my role model. I look up to you now in all aspects of life and I trust you enough to give you my heart to handle. Please take good care of me.
Recently it could have been the jet lag. You're sleeping a lot. I've not been sleeping a lot. My heart inclines toward you, i still miss the times where I wake up and there you are. I recall how difficult it was every morning I had to leave you for work. But it was easier that I know once I get off work, I could immediately see you. Now I'm having problems adjusting back even though you've just been here for 2 weeks. I could no longer wake up in your arms and I no longer am able to see your face right after work. I feel so empty and hollow inside of me. This time when you went back, you took a very big part of me along. I wonder if you feel the same. But i've been a terrible girlfriend so maybe your leaving was a kind of relief, no need to face the bad tempered girlfriend every morning, no need to be on the boyfriend duty of fetching me from work, no need to starve the entire morning because no one made you breakfast, no need to endure the days without coffee and orange juice that the bad girlfriend didn't prepare for you. But I hope this time, you forget all our differences, because I promised I would change for you. The next time you come, we would be more loving than ever.
I secretly hope you still maintain your tradition of reading what I write to you through my blog here. It means so much to me, that you bother to know how I feel. Because most of the time we don't see each other, I don't get to pour my heart out to you to tell you how I feel. My love for you generates at a very fast speed. It probably generates even faster than a man producing sperm per second. I'm sorry this allusion is disgusting but it is disgustingly appropriate. (: I know if I tell you all these verbally, you might get irritated by a woman's constant rambling. So I put it all here, when you feel like it, and when you cared, please visit this space to see how I feel about you and about us.
People say the only thing that remains constant is change. That's so debatable. Because to me, the only thing that remains constant is my love for you, and it never would change. That, I'm absolutely sure of.
Kyoung Tae oppa, you are the one person I ever loved so much. You must be a special person. You are.
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