4th day - Updated

Today's dedication to you: This love for you extends eternally from now till forever. Please don't feel lonely anymore. I'm here. Oppa I love you.

30 September 2013: I jumped out of bed again at 3am. I tried to go back to sleep but I just can't. All our past swarmed in my head like a dream-nightmare. Dreamed about all the good times we had together and nightmares of the bad decision I've made to ever feel this way. My worst nightmare was when I asked you back, you just never turned your head back toward me again. I remembered you told me it was daylight savings, but I think you haven't woke up. I had to make sure you go for lecture so I'm sorry I still called you today. Then it turns out you missed your first lecture. Sometimes you still call me "hun" either unconscionsly or out of habit. Either way it reminds me that all is not gone. Now you continually remind yourself to call me just by my name, you just go "peiru". It hurts because all the affection is lost in that. But today you said you want it to stay this way, allow yourself to stay cold this way. I respect your feelings. It's okay to be genuine to me Oppa. I appreciate this more than if you were to lie to me.

This morning you told me "All day yesterday, I only had one pack of two minute noodles. Today I wasnt much hungry, but I forced myself to cafe and had bacon and eggs to make you worry less. What about you,, you are not eating properly" My heart sank. I heart ached and I wished I was there to bring you some feed. Hahaha. Let me shout you oppa. Hahaha. It's still funny.

Yesterday I sent you a picture of me smiling. Am I still pretty? I wrote the korean "hi" wrongly and you pointed it out. I'm sorry I got it wrong but i wil become an expert by the end of next year, when I have time to study it. I told you it's so that I can talk to your uncle, Chris, Daniel, Dong woo, and all the people around you who revolves your world. Yet despite all my dreams to be with you, I had to prepare myself for the day that you wouldnt come back. So just in case I never have the chance to tell you anymore, I said this before I regret not telling you. "Even if we won't be together this lifetime, I'll learn it, so if i get reborn, I'll probably still retain bits and pieces of Korean (so that I can communicate with you on a deeper level), or maybe I can be born Korean, & I'll spend my next lifetime to try to win your heart all over again"

I really meant it. No matter what happens in the future, please trust what I say now. I hold promises so strongly, I have strong principles. Never ever doubt me. If you did, please don't even talk to me again.

I remembered how we went left and right everywhere. Everywhere we went 왼쪽, 왼쪽, 왼쪽 오른쪽, 왼쪽. 직진 왼쪽, 직진 오른쪽. And there's the change of feet word too but I forgot. Doesnt matter. It was the feeling that when we were doing all these I loved most. It was just hilarious.

I remembered how the Ramen restaurant say "free flow drinks" but we got to pay $2 for the cup. You went "Did Chris start a Japanese restaurant?" "Why didn't I know" ? Hahaha. So funny I couldn't stop laughing even now. I shared the coke joke with you. The other day my friend ordered a coke, the woman replied "Cock? Cock coming!" HAHAHA. You said "HAHAHA! We had so much fun with this! And its still funny!"

I remembered when you came, we hugged and danced everywhere. In the middle of the food centre, along the roads at traffic lights, before Jordan, everywhere, while we hugged. We even got a new dance move, the ahjuma octopus move. HAHAHA.

I missed the times when we went to the pub at Arab street and you fed me calamari. I would order orange juice and you would order San Miguel. You would dip the calamari into sauces and put it into my mouth. Whatever we eat you'd try to feed me. I loved that feeling. I feel loved.

I remember how u used to feed me meat and veggies and peel crabs for me, giving me the juiciest parts at the end of it. Then the walk from Yishun to Khatib... we held hands, we walked through the park and just talked about our lives, holding hands like tomorrow's the end of the world so we were so reluctant to let go, if not for the fact that you had to work, we didn't even want to go home. We so wanted to just be together forever just like that. We can still. Only if you want to.

We only knew each other for a short time. We only really were together, for less than 60 days. When you came here to work I barely met you because by that time you had to leave Singapore. Yet somehow we got to spend one of the best times together.It's so incredible I feel like we're in wonderland. In that place there's only us and nobody else. Remember the words you once so desperately wanted me to understand? That you just wanted us to wake up in each other's arms, and be the first person we see every day & live life just like that? Remember the singer's Psy song that you rapped to me? You told me to look the lyrics up because it was so beautifully written it's that kind of life that you were seeking. You said you were tired of the tough life you were living and you found me to settle down with. All We lack is really just a basic understanding for each other, so we need to be more tolerant. We really were physically together for less than 2 months. All the other times we were online. I'm sorry I wasn't more tolerant towards you. But I tried. At least the only thing different about me and you is that I never give up. I would never ever let your hands go. But you did. Its disappointing but my love for you can forgive anything. Really anything.

I'm still working as I blogged this so I may update it. Please do your assignment for tomorrow & live well.

I hope you managed to complete your homework on time Oppa.

I thought about what you said this morning. My final check whether you were committed to coming back to me. I know it very well. I asked you what if women threw themselves at you, what would you do? You couldn't guarantee that you would not give in. Because you don't believe in us anymore. You would allow yourself to get influenced by external people. For a man who could never stand the sight of his girlfriend to even possess pictures with other guys, could not vouch for his devotion, I know it's really over between us. From now onwards, I would dump all posssibilities of hope, because Oppa, its very clear you would never come back again.

I told you the reason I held onto you was because I was afraid you'd let go of us, since even long before me you could be independent. You literally just threw us out of the window without even looking back. That hurts. You knew the feeling of abandonment yet you're doing this to me. But it's okay. I'm glad before you left, you showed me how I could get up on my feet again like you. you're my role model & I'm glad at least with your leaving, you left me a valuable lesson to learn. See, who says Oppa didn't do anything for peiru?

I so wanted to keep your picture as my wallpaper. But you don't belong to me anymore. I finally plucked the courage to change it. Everytime I look at it my heart hurts. What's worse is I stupidly set some of my passwords as your name. Everytime I access my emails, every single day, as I type Edwardkim, it reminds me of a life that seemed like a faraway dream. A dream that is so real but painful. A dream that would be so beautiful that we never get to live it.

In the past, all our futures that we conjured together, are definite and defined. We talk about this, and we talk about that, and that's what we're gonna do. Both of us are gonna study well, and we finalised that it would be okay if either you come here, or I go there (I know initially I had my qualms, but after I realised I needed you in my life, pay and career didn't matter anymore, too bad i realised it too late). We wanted to get a home we can finally call our own. We could get a dog for the moment, or just ourselves, or have a cute little boy together who would call me "Ohmma", and call you "daddy!" a cute little boy who would speak chinese, korean and english. a smart little boy where you can coach him in engineering, mathematics while I take care of his languages and maybe I can teach him a little piano. You can teach him the more practical things in life like driving, fixing the lights and how to be strong. He would leverage on all the positive attributes we can provide him with when we combine our abilities. We would be so good together.

I don't know why I don't appeal to you anymore. Maybe you don't see my character anymore, maybe you stopped being impressed with me. But it's okay. When you decided to leave I feel inferior, so inferior I thought I wouldn't be adequate for any other people. Then today, I got reminded of my qualities. I'm pretty accomplished in my own respect. I work a decent job in an established bank. When I graduate I'd earn more.I write so well I topped the cohort for my module. I don't ask my parents for money and I can live very comfortably on my own. I stand by strong principles and I'm kind to people.I'm generous to those who deserve it and those I love. I do not regard money as my only property. I'm only strict when I have to. I have my bad tempered days but its usually only after I give too much chances to a person who are too unruly. But I'm well brought up. I was confident of myself... until you broke me.

With you, I'm vulnerable. You said with you I could be weak. But maybe because I'm weak, you stopped loving me. Because when you knew me, I was such a strong character. But now, I know I'm almost as good as nothing. But it's fine. Because my friends reminded me of it again.

I'm still wounded. This knife that you stabbed into my heart you stabbed so hard and deep. I'd be lying if I say I'm not affected at all. One day, one day (this is funny because you always said it in a jokingly manner, hahaha) I'll pull through.

I know you're not entirely heartless. Perhaps you have too much things going on in your life to think about me. But if I were ever someone you truly love, you'd realise your mistake and come back to me. But from the look of things, you seem less burdened if i'm not around. I know you don't love me enough to share your true problems and fight these problems as a couple. How are we then able to fight our future together as husband and wife?

Maybe, let's forget about it.