Together with you, I learned a new emotion. That is the feeling of emptiness. Not because you left me feeling this emptiness on purpose, but just because you happened to be that only one person who cause cause such a huge impact upon me, that whenever your presence cannot be felt, the emptiness sets in.
For so so so many times, you either deliberately, or unknowingly made me feel this way.
1. Whenever you left the airport, I feel empty.
2. Whenever you let go of my hand, I feel empty
3. Whenever you left me alone for a little while to throw your cigarette butt away for that one moment, I felt empty for that little while
4. Whenever we fight and while we're just beside each other, our emotional distance was pulled so far away, I feel empty
5. whenever you didn't support me in my decision, I feel empty
6. whenever I left you at home while I go to work, I feel empty
7. whenever you refused to hug me, I feel empty
8. whenever you were angry at me, I feel empty
All of the above, are varying degrees of emptiness. It can be as minor that kind of childish, funny, unbearable little heartache that you let go of my hand for that 5 seconds to throw your cigarette butt away, that kind of little emptiness, or the really serious kind of emptiness such as when we quarrel... that kind of deadful feeling, as we gamble our love away.
But no kind of emptiness can be worse than knowing that the next day, I won't wake up next to you. Not waking up to you, oppa, i'm very sure by now, is the emptiest feeling in the world. Knowing that the first person I see in the morning won't be you, it's a really god damned serious matter. I won't feel good the entire day, & I don't feel complete. You are the missing puzzle to my heart. you're the key to my happiness.
I'm sorry about the previous post. I don't mean to boast. I just went out with a few new people & I'm only complimenting their really rare and impressive gestures of being a true gentleman. I hardly experience it anymore now that you're not around with me. I'm sorry it affected you, it shouldn't be that way. You need to trust me more. I'll never do abandon you. I've said it before & I'd say it again. If with me, I'm not giving you the best treatment, tell me, & I promise to be better for you. because you deserve the best.
Oppa, I have pretty packed lessons for Jan and Feb. 14-18 is still pretty cool. Maybe March it's possible because I don't have any more lessons by then. Do you really want me there? Would you really welcome me? I'm conflicted. For you maybe I can take 5 days off. Then I would have 9 days, plus 2 weekends. hmm...
It'll be a very bold decision. I'm not sure if I should go ahead with it. I've never travelled alone. I'm scared. Of many things. ): I'm scared. Would I be a burden to you? Would I take up too much of your time? Would I interefere with your life? What if I see you with another girl? what if I realised the people you hang out with there's a lot of temptation.
how am i gonna survive this?
I'll keep my fingers crossed.
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