I'm sorry

Somehow after so long, no matter how good I am at expressing how much I missed you, I could only say so much. I've ran out of words to say, I've ran out of expressions to show you the extent of how much I missed you during these times where you forbade me to text you, or even to talk to you. Until now I don't really know the purpose of us not talking to each other. Yes, you told me before that it's because you're afraid our relationship would turn out worse if we don't talk to each other until we see each other again, but I don't see how not talking to each other can make it any better.

I think of you all the time. Before I sleep, I'll think about you. When I wake up, I'll wonder if you slept well too? When I eat, I'll worry if you skipped any meals, or did you eat well? When I am happy I wished you're there to share my joy & when I'm down I wished you were here to just hold my hand. But sometimes I wonder, do you think about me the same? The other day, I saw the really beautiful water fountain show at MBS, I really wanted to share it with you, so I'm sorry I broke the rules and sent you a little video. Because of this stupid rule you set, almost immediately I regret sending you. I'm afraid I crossed the line, I'm afraid I've disturbed you. I feel sorry to continually interfere with your life.

Today, I slept the entire day. & I encountered something scary. I woke up semi-awake. My half opened eyes saw a shadow coming my way. I quickly closed my eyes because I was frightened. Suddenly My entire body felt very very heavy. As if that shadow "possessed" me. I wanted to scream and move I couldn't. But I'm afraid if it were a ghost possessing me, it'll stay here forever, so with all my might, I finally managed to shout "go away" in Chinese. I woke up in shock and fear. & at that moment, while I'm not sure whether it's a dream or reality, I wished oppa can be there to hug me. I wanted to pick up the phone to call you, so I can talk to somebody. Then I thought about it, it's a bad idea. I can't go to you all the time. You'll leave me, again.

Every time when I can't control my feelings and texted you, I hate myself for doing so. I'm sorry.

The moment you broke us up, I know I lost the right to love you. & because I loved you too much, I don't know where to put my feelings. They overflowed, and I can't force my heart upon you, so this love became so difficult and so suffocating.

Till today, I'm still sorry you met me.

You've officially left me for about two weeks from 4 months now. I dont know how I'm feeling now. I just know if you asked me back, I'd run back to you no matter what you did to me. If you said you are hungry, I'll cook for you no matter how tired I am. If you said you're tired I'll lend you my thighs and stroke your head gently until you fall asleep. If you feel lonely I'd make sure even when you wake up I'm by your side so you won't feel empty.

I don't know why I still feel like this for you. & every time I try to forget you, you drop me a little text & it pulls me back to you. I feel in love again. But the oppa I loved then changed.

Once upon a time, there was a man who loved me with all his heart. No matter what happened he wouldn't let go, even when I try to walk away thinking that we're not possible. That oppa told me, the more the world is against us, the more odds are against us, even though we live very far away, we can and we will be together. He asked me to trust him & just follow him. But after he gained my trust, somewhere along the way, he decided to let go & left me alone.

You don't know how special you are. It was painful to see you leave. Don't do it to another girl. It's too heartless.

& of all the people in the world, I thought you wouldn't do it to me. But I was wrong. Like all girls in the world, to you, I'm just another girl. I'm just another girl whom you can hurt & leave. Maybe you will protest & tell me I'm different. But isn't that what you told me from the start? That I'm different? But see oppa, see what you did to me?
There's this thing called 자존심, with you, I've given it all up. I've begged you, I've said sorry a thousand times. Just for you to come back.

You just never gave a damn.

I'm still thinking why you left. At that point of time, you said it's because you lost feelings. Now you're saying you need time to sort things out. I don't know which is the truth. I just know, you're not willing to guarantee me you'll love me forever. People change, feelings change. I understand. Perhaps from the start you never loved me as much as you believed you did.

Oppa, we're from two different worlds. Don't try too hard. Be the happy man that you are. Please forget me. I'm sorry.


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