no time to waste

After absorbing these anecdotes you fed me with, I’m not sure if I could ever live up to your expectations. I’m absolutely not ready for this, I got a little intimidated. I start to doubt if I was ever adequate for you & I feel inferior to the girls who precede me. They sounded so great & while I was happy for you that you ever got to meet these fantastic girls, my heart broke into pieces. I regretted asking not because I heard how awesome they were, but because how you tell your story. You were so proud of them & I could hear how vivid they still were in your memory. But I guess I could deal with this for afterall, I totally understand that they were part of you before. I’m sorry but I need some time to get over this.

I’m sorry I even got upset by this. I tried to hide it but I failed so badly. I didn’t want to be unreasonable but it is impossible to not get affected especially knowing what you’ve been through with them. I wish I could be even half of what they were but unfortunately I’m not. & If I could never meet the benchmarks they’ve set, would I still keep that place in your heart? This question bugged me since yesterday, & there was no way I could convince myself that I was better.

So I got a little disappointed that you weren’t sensitive to my mini heartbreak. & it got worse.

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Night after night I kept myself awake during the wee hours just so that I could see you in the mornings before you go to school. But day after day you kept yourself so occupied I could hardly catch you. First you wake up, then you had to grab breakfast, then you went for coffee with your friends, then you had to go to school. 

After school you had to go for drinks, and if you do, you’d go until 10, 11 pm. Otherwise you’d go for tennis, then dinner. By then it’s 5pm here. I’m surprised you didn’t bother knowing when I have school or tuition despite the fact that I have sent you my schedule. In between your hectic schedule I couldn’t bear to tell you I wanted to see your face, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you “please spare me 5 mins because I stayed up the whole day just so I could see you so that I could finally go to sleep.” I didn’t want to interrupt your life. 

It just pains to see that you seldom bother to see my efforts in trying to reach out to you in the most subtle manner, even if it meant losing my sleep, having irregular sleeping hours. You seldom bother to calculate the time difference to see that I’m still awake at the most ungodly hours while I chatted with you. I wonder if you realized all these. 

So today, you went to school & you went for drinks. I purposely slept more because I was angry with you. You didn’t notice. You told me you were going for drinks & u’d be back by 10pm. I didn’t bother telling you that I had school because I assumed you would know. I wasn’t surprised either that when you came back, and exclaimed “so we can’t skype today” because I know you won’t bother checking the timetable I sent you. It’s okay. But it doesn’t mean I won’t get upset. 

Its been a few hours since I last talked to you. I decided not to be angry. For the past few days we’ve been wasting time on this & it’s not right. We’ve only got so much time for each other & we can’t afford to waste our time together on this. I thought it through. I’m at fault for this happening & I apologize. These small matters shouldn’t get in the way of our relationship. I wanna call for a truce. (: I love you.

Everytime I spend time with you, it’s so precious. You are precious to me too.  Pardon me if my Korean was broken. I wish I could express myself better & I’m still trying hard to pick it up. But these are my heartfelt feelings for you.

아쉬웠던 짧은 만남. 어떻게 해야할지 몰라 바라만 봐도 너무 좋아.

Please know how I felt for you. & don’t ever doubt this. If you ever do, I’d be so lost because I don’t know how else I could express myself but to reiterate again and again, the very same words I said would be timeless. They would become legendary because they wouldn’t change & its so epic even crocodiles could cry. 

I came across this song & I thought it perfectly voices my feelings for you. (: Hun, nobody could overtake your place in my heart. I know this song is more for females, but oh well, I guess it suits anyway (: 

죽겠네

어떻게 해야 할지 몰라
웃질 않아도 아름다와
바라만 봐도 너무 좋아 죽겠네
코를 골아도 듣기 좋아
냄새가나도 향기로와
씻지 않아도 너무 빛이 나서 죽겠네

이러다 정말 미쳐 돌아 버리면 어쩌나
이러다 진짜 숨이 덜컥 멎으면 어쩌나
그대의 눈가에 눈곱이 내게는 It's so nice, so nice, so nice
그대의 스타킹 뜯어진 구멍도 It's so nice, so nice, so nice

일분일초가 보석 같아
싸울 시간이 나질 않어
사랑만 해도 시간이 모질라서 죽겠네

Xoxo, peiru.