solitary nights

I love the nights. I love everything about nights except that sometimes it can get a little eerie. It's best when edward honey is here to hold me tight so I feel safe and secure. The silence and street void of people are my favourite features, because I'm sick of the busy city life droning like noisy train tracks and of loud club music or even people chattering like the notorious magpies. However, the silence is defeaning when I'm not doing something I like, especially during exam nights I get extraordinarily irritated and my thoughts wonder. I'm born to think a lot, or my upbringing made me think a lot about life. These thoughts go wild like neurotic mongrels unleashed, with characteristically world war-like scenes playing inside my head. It's a disaster up there & it's beyond my control. I have a natural inclination to fantasize and imagine, castles and fairy tales and haunted mansions and devils with equal measure. the last I dreamt of was having the honour of Hello Kitty in a hair salon doing up our hairs together, I saw her walking into the hairdresser white, coming out dyed all baby pink and her hair permed. What a pretty cat.

The chinese saying goes like this, “日有所思， 夜有所梦”, meaning what you think about in the the day would occur in your dreams at night. I definitely did not think about Hello Kitty in the day, but the colour pink did recently start to grow on me. But you, I think about you day and night, in my conscious day and unconscious night. I dreamt of so many episodes of you sometimes I forget to tell you about it. But I loved the most recent one because it gave me most hope to hang on to us. I dreamt that you got me a simple, unadorned ring and you proposed. It wasn't the typical high in carat with fancy diamond cuts but I was definitely, undoubtedly the happiest girl in the world. I would never have traded that moment or you for anything else, because what we had in that dream was real. You proposed to me at your worst & I still couldnt wait to marry you. That moment made me think. I really really really, really, really loved you. For better or worse, I want to be the one, and I wanted you to be the one, for my happily-ever-after night-time fantasies and day-time reality.

I am so impatient at times, and I am foolish I admit. You always say "good things are worth the wait", you're better than just good. You're the best. Sometimes I lose hold of my emotions and I sincerely apologize. I was wrong. I should have been more patient with us. I'm sorry if I said things that hurt you. It's the last thing I ever want to do to you. Please forgive me.

Sometimes I may be telling you too much of how much I loved you. I'm not sure if that's a right move because I'm afraid I'll push you away. It's only okay if it was that mutual. sometimes too much of a good thing may prove to be malicious. But I can't stand not letting you know, I can't stand not being honest. But is it better to hold back sometimes? If it is please let me know & I'll change my ways. But until you protest, every single day, I'll continue to love you my way, every single day is a hard earned moment for us, and I will continue to forge my undivided love for you in the most romantic ways, through the many communicative platforms I can ever reach out to you, with the simplest words packed with the utmost genuinity and all of my heart, every single day, I must and will tell you that...

I love you.