no time to waste

After absorbing these anecdotes you fed me with, I’m not sure if I could ever live up to your expectations. I’m absolutely not ready for this, I got a little intimidated. I start to doubt if I was ever adequate for you & I feel inferior to the girls who precede me. They sounded so great & while I was happy for you that you ever got to meet these fantastic girls, my heart broke into pieces. I regretted asking not because I heard how awesome they were, but because how you tell your story. You were so proud of them & I could hear how vivid they still were in your memory. But I guess I could deal with this for afterall, I totally understand that they were part of you before. I’m sorry but I need some time to get over this.

I’m sorry I even got upset by this. I tried to hide it but I failed so badly. I didn’t want to be unreasonable but it is impossible to not get affected especially knowing what you’ve been through with them. I wish I could be even half of what they were but unfortunately I’m not. & If I could never meet the benchmarks they’ve set, would I still keep that place in your heart? This question bugged me since yesterday, & there was no way I could convince myself that I was better.

So I got a little disappointed that you weren’t sensitive to my mini heartbreak. & it got worse.

------------------------------------

Night after night I kept myself awake during the wee hours just so that I could see you in the mornings before you go to school. But day after day you kept yourself so occupied I could hardly catch you. First you wake up, then you had to grab breakfast, then you went for coffee with your friends, then you had to go to school. 

After school you had to go for drinks, and if you do, you’d go until 10, 11 pm. Otherwise you’d go for tennis, then dinner. By then it’s 5pm here. I’m surprised you didn’t bother knowing when I have school or tuition despite the fact that I have sent you my schedule. In between your hectic schedule I couldn’t bear to tell you I wanted to see your face, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you “please spare me 5 mins because I stayed up the whole day just so I could see you so that I could finally go to sleep.” I didn’t want to interrupt your life. 

It just pains to see that you seldom bother to see my efforts in trying to reach out to you in the most subtle manner, even if it meant losing my sleep, having irregular sleeping hours. You seldom bother to calculate the time difference to see that I’m still awake at the most ungodly hours while I chatted with you. I wonder if you realized all these. 

So today, you went to school & you went for drinks. I purposely slept more because I was angry with you. You didn’t notice. You told me you were going for drinks & u’d be back by 10pm. I didn’t bother telling you that I had school because I assumed you would know. I wasn’t surprised either that when you came back, and exclaimed “so we can’t skype today” because I know you won’t bother checking the timetable I sent you. It’s okay. But it doesn’t mean I won’t get upset. 

Its been a few hours since I last talked to you. I decided not to be angry. For the past few days we’ve been wasting time on this & it’s not right. We’ve only got so much time for each other & we can’t afford to waste our time together on this. I thought it through. I’m at fault for this happening & I apologize. These small matters shouldn’t get in the way of our relationship. I wanna call for a truce. (: I love you.

Everytime I spend time with you, it’s so precious. You are precious to me too.  Pardon me if my Korean was broken. I wish I could express myself better & I’m still trying hard to pick it up. But these are my heartfelt feelings for you.

아쉬웠던 짧은 만남. 어떻게 해야할지 몰라 바라만 봐도 너무 좋아.

Please know how I felt for you. & don’t ever doubt this. If you ever do, I’d be so lost because I don’t know how else I could express myself but to reiterate again and again, the very same words I said would be timeless. They would become legendary because they wouldn’t change & its so epic even crocodiles could cry. 

I came across this song & I thought it perfectly voices my feelings for you. (: Hun, nobody could overtake your place in my heart. I know this song is more for females, but oh well, I guess it suits anyway (: 

죽겠네

어떻게 해야 할지 몰라
웃질 않아도 아름다와
바라만 봐도 너무 좋아 죽겠네
코를 골아도 듣기 좋아
냄새가나도 향기로와
씻지 않아도 너무 빛이 나서 죽겠네

이러다 정말 미쳐 돌아 버리면 어쩌나
이러다 진짜 숨이 덜컥 멎으면 어쩌나
그대의 눈가에 눈곱이 내게는 It's so nice, so nice, so nice
그대의 스타킹 뜯어진 구멍도 It's so nice, so nice, so nice

일분일초가 보석 같아
싸울 시간이 나질 않어
사랑만 해도 시간이 모질라서 죽겠네

Xoxo, peiru.

cookies

Sometimes life delivers me a pack of hard cookies. but I'm a soft cookie & a soft cookie person.

Sometimes I order them wrongly & curiousity beckons me to try. & I did. Boy, it was hard to swallow.

They're coarse, edgy & cut throat. I don't know how my wounds are gonna heal. But I guess time is the best medicine out there.

But first, I have a wild imagination to kill.

intensity

after all that has happened today, it only made me love you more. know that every single morsel of your being is tied to my heart, & if anything should happen to you, it affects me as bad. Promise me you'll never hurt yourself, promise me you'll take care of yourself. In doing so, its the only way I can rest my mind & be at peace with you. I worry, & I care. stick to your normal sleeping hours, never mind that I'm alone at night. .you were so silly tonight in eating into your sleeping hours & my heart aches bad. Don't do this again. As long as you have enough sleep & emotional satiety, it conforts me too, & that's the greatest gift you can ever give me.

superdrug

This love is turning me. I become so hysterical when I don't hear from you. I don't know how you'd take this but I don't like what I'm becoming. Everything about you is so addictive I just can't imagine living without it. You're a superdrug. When you appear every emotional pain I've experienced will be immediately lifted, & every physical pain won't matter anymore. But when you don't, it just feels like hell.

I don't know how to live without you. Then again, I don't have a choice. Perhaps I should take some steps back & reevaluate my state of mind right now. Maybe there's still hope to salvage my deranged mind.

plagued

today we experienced a myriad of feelings, and the gamut of emotions stretched from intense yearning, to an agonizing argument over the same old matter that plagued us.

I'm not going to take this negatively. Every relationship's got their own problems, I don't see how it'll stand in our way. If we get past this, we can only get stronger. But if we habour ill feelings every time we have a dispute, we can only weaken our love for each other. That's definitely not our goal. That's definitely not what we want.

I was wrong. I thought I could manage my emotions well. Today, I just fell short of my expectations. I guess absence really makes the heart grow fonder. It gets more and more difficult as the day goes by. I thought it would be easier but I was wrong. You are so lovable I just couldn't help it but to give all of my heart out to you. I want to be there for you, whether you're happy or sad. I just have to be with you.

Though the skype sessions weren't exactly perfect, with the frequent breaks in between, I still feel grateful enough that we can still communicate this way. I want to touch your face even though its virtual, but I still put my fingers onto the screen and imagine myself stroking your lovely cheeks. If it's the best we can have for now, i'd still take it, it's definitely better than nothing. But unfortunately it does nothing to ease my perpetual yearning for you to be by my side.

I miss those hugs and hand holding & 뽀뽀. I miss having someone to share my chocolate with. I dont want to end my night coughing the whole time because I had to finish one whole chocolate bar on my own. I want to lend my thighs to this cute boy who enjoys resting on them & talking about everything under the sun like there's no tomorrow. I want to wake up to this face I never will get tired of. I want to feed him this breakfast I cook & knowing that he will still finish it no matter how bad it is & still tells me "its the best breakfast" he ever had & even thank me for it. I would still cook for this boy, even if he stays on the couch looking at his favourite car racing shows/websites while I slog away in the kitchen so that he doesnt get hungry & his hands wouldnt shake from hunger. Even if I had to lose a finger from all the chopping on the chopping board it'll still be worth it just to fish that compliment that he was always so generous to give.

I would do anything, just to win a smile from you. Because that smile is so dazzling & mesmerizing, it reminds me each time of the reason why I fell in love with you. I myself don't exactly know what it was, but so far, I've figured out that as long as you are happy, I can be happy too.

I took a few pictures of you off skype. They're all smiley & plain adorable. I can never get tired of it. I don't see how I can. & I prefer you when you let you hair down, undone, so you'll look boyish & it takes 10 years off your age. How cute. I'm giggling to myself already. HAHAHA.

For now, I've done what you asked. Despite everything that we've been through today, I still want to say this to you.

I'm so glad I met you.

Magic day

"magic day" is what you call it. Unfortunately it is not all magic. It is in fact a lot of pain, fatigue, headaches, giddiness, nausea, super focalised cramps. I wonder if the previous medications I took made this worse. This was the worst period I ever experienced in recent years.

Perhaps I'm just getting old.

I grimaced hard. I could get a lot more wrinkles on my face but it sort of helps to distribute the pain for a little while. I pressed my hands against my abdomen hoping the muscles looses its tension and that contorting grip I feel inside of me.

It was just hell.

It didnt help that it has been raining and I still sleep shivering in cold every night. Leg cramps visits me every other hour. I will try wearing socks to sleep tonight. I hope it'll help.

I am ransacking my brain. every single night, on how to survive till the next time I see you. & then I tried to recall your cute face. *deep in thought*.

Cute korean small eyes. Checked.
Small nose with the  little naughty boy crooked nose bump. Checked.
Brightest smile in the world. Checked.
almost-African sexy lips. Checked.
Native english accent with occassional Korean accent. Checked.
*copies korean accent, recall funny english pronunciation*. Checked.
Heart-melting korean language in your voice. Checked.
* imagining the most comfy and manly hands holding mine*. Checked.
*imagining the most comforting and warm hugs that never failed to keep me warm*. Checked.


My brain is practically running on the world's most powerful graphic card. nVIDIA and AMD can start selling its business when I launch mine into the market. HAHA.

It didnt help to dissipate the pain. But I felt comfort that you're still fresh inside my head, enough that I could still remember you.  All these imagination felt so real, only that, it is not. ):

So it got me thinking, not just this once, but it bugged me for as long as we've known each other. I really hope you're the one. If it were the case, I'd wait. Take as long as we need, I'd wait. (:

& from there, we can redefine My magic day, into Our magic day. (:

想念

I can see how this is going to be very painful...

So you finally hopped on the plane. you called me a few times from the departure hall. I wished you didn't so I wouldn't know how much you'd miss me, & my heart wouldn't cringe.

I thought I'd be okay. What I didn't expect was a longing heart. Not just an ordinary longing heart. My heart was so confused, so unruly, so pensive; I could die.

I wished I knew how to better tell you how much I missed you. So I went counting the times I did. I tried. I really tried. I went

"하나,둘,셋,다섯,여섯,일곱,여덟,아홉,열". 

& I realised,  that's all I could count. I can't tell you how much I missed you becuase you havent taught me the rest of the numbers. & if I could tell you how many times I missed you in a day, you have to tell me how do I express millions and billions in your language.

only then, I'll be able to fully tell you how many times I missed you in a day.

오빠 , 보고 싶어 죽겠다 .

typical day of a perfect life.

You just reminded me how we've spent our time three consecutive days together. It struck me like an epiphany, or like some kind of unexpected enlightenment, that, that was how my last three days was spent. It was more than enjoyable I didn't even realise how fast time passed.

Yeah, now I remember. On the 21st, it was a mini Korean lesson at night & I cooked you this disappointing scrambled eggs which you claimed microwave does it better. Oh well, it's okay. I'm not going to be jealous of a microwave. I knew you didn't expect Michelin standard breakfasts & I was relieved. My food was sprinkled with a generous portion of my heart though. I hope you tasted it sweet & savoured every single molecule of it all. (: I knew you did. & I'm thankful that despite it not being perfect, you still devoured my lousy cooking with nothing condescending but instead, with full of praises.

Thank you. I appreciated your charity & graciousness in accepting my flaws. (:

& there's day 2. I was clad in my cute little pants which Jordan labelled it "pyjamas". I'm glad you came over with us for drinks. You have no idea how much it meant to me. Your anxiety and concern for me makes my heart flutter. Then there was this breakfast at the most beautiful place with the most amazing person ever. I love how you embrace me into your arms whenever I come to you. I always feel welcomed. So we sat in front of this mini hills looking like teletubby land, with buggy cars driving all over the place, tropical, palm and grand trees surrounding us as if we're characters in Alice in Wonderland - except for the absence of small poker-card people; basking in the warmth of the sunlight while in the shade of our love; you never forgetting to hold my hands even while you smoke and drink your coffee. Then we went back into the shade for breakfast. I'm sorry I'm fussy about food. I cannot take hot drinks in the morning, I cannot take coffee especially. Neither can I do orange juice. Ham is the worst food on earth. But I love how we complement each other. I could eat your share of baked beans while you take the coffee and juice and ham. how apt. we're like the perfect puzzle piece in the simplest manner. I love how you feed me congee in the most considerate way.

I felt like the most fortunate girl on earth. I couldn't stop smiling.

& there's day 3. It was spontaneously planned yet I'm glad you turned up anyway. It was a pretty bad day for us both & I thoroughly apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if I hurt you. But it was as bad for me when you curtly said that you were going to put up this line of defence against me. My world crumbled. I was so lost I didn't know what to do. It pains me to see you worrying over something that is non-existent. But I understand your feelings for me. I totally understand where you are coming from but somehow I wished you knew me better, that my family is the most important part of my life & you would become one too. Therefore, having to delete these memories of my birthday & my family just because of an insignificant person who no longer has a foothold in my life, killed me. All of a sudden, I felt as if I never had a 21st, 22nd and 23rd year of my life, whatever I did hollowed me out completely. But now that it's all gone now, I only hope you'll fill that cavity in my heart with whatever you can give to make me feel alive again.

I never would blame you. I never will. I just did what I had to do, because I believe in a future with you. But I hope you understood that as it was difficult for you, it was the same for me. I would stop convincing you why I didn't think the pasts matter, or why I will never mind your pasts. I want to remove every single prick in your heart so you'll have the capacity for me. I hope you do now.

So I got you the best congee on earth, coffee & "orange juice". I hope you liked it. I remembered your favourite combination. But okay, next time i'll remember the pulpy ones. & I'd stop experimenting with your taste buds with applenorange juice. (I still can't believe you thought it was mango/durian juice HAHA) But honey, it's better this way, it cannot be any way fresher. But oh well, I'll spoil you with your preferences. I'll also remember your streaky bacon instead of the healthier back bacon next time you ever trust me to make you scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast again. (: I love how you entertain me with your funny acnecdotes like how you talk to customers at the restaurant. & I love how guillible you are when I tried to tease you that I'm colour blind and almost every other time when I got the chance. Maybe when you met me, you would stop believing in numbers and believe that Karma does exist too. HAHA. Maybe you shouldn't tease Nickie too much unless you enjoy me like this. (:

My morning was too fun. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

The more we spend time together, the more attached I become to you. I have no idea since when you took this one-way ticket into my heart, I'm a little bitter right now that you didn't even ask for my permission before you did that. But please, my heart isn't an airport, isn't a parking lot, & neither is it a pier. Don't park & leave. Please stay.

Please stay.

不由自主

I'm tired. I'm tired from this sleep I barely had. I'm tired from running errands on a hot sunny afternoon. I'm tired & I still shiver in cold in this hot weather. Fatigue consumes me. Sleep beckons. My consciousness is wearing out by the seconds. But in my mind, there's only you. You need to be there to fuel my day despite all the headaches you're feeling from your hangover. You've been selfish enough. It's my turn now to be one.

I could go home right now. But I don't want to. I could meet some friends for lunch, but I don't want to. Like you said, life is too short to hold back. Despite all the weariness I felt, my feet just kept going. I trudge heavily, I move sluggishly, I yawn so frequently my eyes kept tearing. But I just need to go to you.

All these exhaustion didnt matter. All I need today was just a hug. That's all that matters.

pasts shouldn't matter

today you just thoroughly disappointed me. I've written a whole chunk of words, but nothing best summarises everything I had felt for the whole of today but the fact that I feel like a used commodity.

I don't deserve this. Please don't do this to me.