Grateful

it's one of those days I'm left alone in the room, & I look both in retrospect and introspect of the pasts and current affairs, of the things I've experienced & the people who stopped and go, & of the people who never intended to stay & the people who probably left for good. After doing the rationalising, I realised I only needed to thank for all the people who remained.

I'm not naming anyone, because anyone who reads this entry would know who you are. & please know that I'm deeply grateful & thankful, given my passivity, for some, in your lives, I can only apologize for my unintended nonchalance and want to strive harder to be a better friend/family/lover to you, and to keep whatever is left of my social life. Friends can always be made, but the fact that those who still hung around, who didn't judge, who didn't leave despite everything, meant a lot to me.

These sentiments extends to ....

greatest man in my life. doubles up as the two main figures a family should have. you may have lost everything but you still have me. I don't see how I have the ability to earn even a tenth of what you gave me, you may not be perfect, but you've given everything you can, and even zerorized your account when I needed the money and provided the ways and means in the most unimaginable ways. I can't buy you a horse, a mercedes, a bigger house, everything you lost.. but its just, not yet. I will strive towards that direction, to restore the glam, the pride, the success you've lost to the morally bankrupt who robbed our home & innocence. Karma will get to them. While I habour this irresolvable hate towards those people you once called friends, I'm glad my heart is still big and sober enough, to differentiate between the rights and wrongs, & to accomodate so much love I could share enough to make people around me feel comfort & at peace. I've grown up right but i'm still short of something you can be proud of. Please give me some time to straighten it up. Meanwhile, know that I love you most. 

my bffs. you stood by me and walked me through countless punishments in class, breakups and get together with boys, I share every little secret with you & aspects of my private family life. thank you for not walking away when I burden you with my troubles of my everyday life, opening up your home to me & treating me like family, taking me in and allowed me to hang around during the lowest points of my life when I didn't want to be alone. I've spent most of my social life with you & I am always very proud of your achievements like a hopeful mother. i enjoy every moment of our conversations, no matter how mundane, no matter how bitchy, & time never seemed to be enough during our come-togethers. the only regret about us is that I wished we met earlier, & please forgive me if I ever was lesser than a good friend to you. the amount of thank you I would be able to say in my following years, until the day I can't speak, would definitely be dedicated to you.

the people who stayed. old friends whom strayed and came back. old friends where we were once so close & hit off so well, but somehow circumstances changed. We drifted apart and back together again. Now I just have to ensure this time, I'll tie our boat to the pier so our friendship doesn't have to wander off again and again. You are a precious lot because your efforts to rekindle puts me to shame, and you are living reminder of how careless and stupid it was of me to have not tried harder. People comes up with lots of philosophies about maintaining a relationship. They say those that you have to try too hard to keep are those you won't need. Those who does not reciprocate feelings are those who probably undeserving of your friendship. I sucked as a friend & I know. But the fact that you came back, initiate those talks, taking an interest in my boring life is a very touching gesture which I deeply appreciate. I thank you for overlooking my flaws & my time mismanagement that I failed to slot in more time for you. I'm more than thankful for your efforts in trying to sustain this friendship & trust me, when it comes to people I treasure, you don't get placed on a continuum of priority against the others who matter, because you're equally dear in my heart. I love the melancholy, the recalling of the past, the chemistry we once shared, the nostalgia you always bring, to remind me what I was & you make up my past to make me more complete as a being. All the more when you taught me what's lost can always be retrieved, though not in its entirety. But you represent a sentiment of hope & this is the kind of impact old friends make. Probably I should change the semantics & stop calling you old friend because now, we have an irreplacable bond and friendship that's ongoing. I can never be grateful enough for your coming back & know that you have a very special place in my heart.

my boyfriend. the one I swore not to have for the next few months and next few years but somehow, you just happened. I'm still laughing at the way we met & how we started. Everything seemed so dramatic & yet everyday in so many ways. I'm still surprised at this unplanned relationship we developed & many a time, I still feel like its a dream because of the uncertainties of life that I've experienced so much of. I still wonder what is it about you I've fallen for, but its the sort of mystical truths I probably never would be able to decipher. But it doesnt keep me from wondering, because of my immense curiousity at the enigma you are, the mysterious aura you give me draws me deeper and deeper into you. You're like the black hole scientists never knew what it represents, and can only formulate their hypothesis that can never be proven beyond the unknown. You're all the more distant given that we don't have the luxury of being in close proximity since you live continents and oceans away. But somehow there's this unexplainable phenomena that makes me want to be the best for you, love you, & be there for you. It helps that whenever I express my unconditional love for you, you reciprocate these feelings in the most unbelievably captivating fashion. The words you say comes out with so much sincerity, charm & a hint of gentleness that envelopes me with comfort, like I can absolutely believe & entrust my life to you. I feel very comfortable with you because you make me feel like I have nothing to worry about whenever I'm in your embrace. Everything feels so safe to the extent that it felt as if as long as I'm with you, god would put off his plans even if there was a disaster coming our way. It's all the more astonishing that even a simple gesture from you makes everything feel right. When you hold my hands, I feel like you'll lead me to a direction in life, when you peck my forehead with a little kiss it takes away all the pain and torturous moments in an instant, when you praise me it felt like I'm the most perfect girl in the world & boosts my confidence, when you look at me intently I feel like I'm invincible, like I can do no wrong & so prized a posession which fills me with happiness so intense I want to grab every single pedestrian on the road to share my brimming joy. you make me want to establish a family, a dream that I've repressed from witnessing broken families and from one myself. You restored some kind of hope & the filled my hollowed heart of lost dreams, faith & people who mattered but left. I really wish we will turn out right & so please, tell me only that you'll do this for me & put aside all your negative thoughts and possibility of failure to materialise these for me. You are my future & I hope I didn't ask for a lot, because all I asked for is a committment that will only let us gain happiness in our lives. I smile to myself at the thought of you, that just thinking about you makes me happy. A love that is this innocent is something I don't want to let it fade away. I want to know if you feel the same.  I still have tonnes to tell you but, I know I can never finish telling you how grateful I am about your appearance in my life. & if whatever I write isn't enough to satisfy your desire to know how i feel, I'm willing to devote my remaining time until you understand what you actually mean to me. You'll probably understand the idea of it, but you'll never know the extent because my feelings I presume, would stretch till the end of time that even I wouldnt have enough time on earth, to live to the day I can measure the limit of the love I habour towards you.

To all the special people I love, thank you, again.