of all the dilemmas in the world, you are the biggest one

you always ask "what have I done to have deserve you in this world, I must have saved someone important", and I would ask the same. To have met you is just so unbelievable. We just happened to be at the right place at the right time. What happens after is our own doings. I never regretted initiating our first date. But what I did not see coming was what came after. No, please do not misunderstand. No matter what, I would have done the same given that I know what you are like already. I really would have done the same. But what I hoped to be different was to become better than we already are.

There are so much differences between us. In culture, language, geograpical, time, friends, lifestyle. But only our love for each other remains constant. But I've come to realise in reality, differences can set us apart, despite loving each other. Of all the differences that we have, I find grographical is only temporary. Eventually we can be together stepping on the same ground, breathing the same air, sharing food from the same plate, and materialise this very fate. However, the disastrous differences in means and extent of communication remains more permanent, so is the damage. Because we couldn't each other's intention enough, so we argued, set ourselves apart for so many defective reasons and reasoning due to misunderstanding. & so I want to improve our means of comminication. I'm sorry if somehow I was too demanding. But I get angry that you're not helping. I appears that you seem to be wanting to not share what you know. I feel like I cannot get to you and that frustrates me a whole lot. You appear nothing but arrogant about your language, and the fact that you never wanted to learn my language upsets me. It's like I'm the only one trying, & the worst excuse you ever gave me was "I'm bad at languages".

I'd like to clarify, everytime I laugh after you utter something it's not because it sounds odd. It's funny to me because I found you cute, not because you said it strange. It's just different from how I say it but you said it more correctly that I do. Neither is it your fault that your English is not totally correct, because there's a language theory that kids lose the ability to learn language as they age. You learnt it at 12 years old, it was a little too late. Your English is understandable, but I can help you perfect it. You're just not willing to learn. Learning takes humility, meaning putting your pride and whatever knowledge aside, forget all the excuses you have and concentrate on what was correct and what you did say wrong. If you do wanted to improve, tell me again. Otherwise, there's no point in me forcing you.

On the other hand, while I want to learn your language so badly, you're not willing to teach. I have no idea what's so difficult in trnaslating. you just say it. you just have to translate and say it to me. If you're going to be angry with me just because of this, so be it. I can stop learning & I shall stop learning it altogether.

Those things I said to you, I wasn't wrong, and you know it. You are half of everything, and what irritates me is your unwillingness to make sure you're not half of something. Guys with no motivation to improve are not charming at all. But, despite all of those, you're not halved to me. You belong to me. You're everything to me. I hope you understand my intention. & althought I don't feel sorry for what I said, I am sorry for hurting your feelings, and I regretted putting you in such misery. Please don't feel sad, please don't feel down. It's my fault I wasn't born in the same place, same time, and same location as you. & in that, I feel really bad that we actually met like this.

Now, you're not talking to me & my heart really hurts. I'm not sure what would become of us tomorrow. I shouldnt have put it across in those words, it's the kind of things you regret immediately right after you say it. Especially towards the person I love the most in this entire world, and in all the possible worlds in the universe. I'm caught in this dilemma. I wonder how we would work out. For now, I just wished you were here so I could show you how sorry I am with swollen eyes and a mountain of soiled tissue papers, and hug you in my arms to take away all the pain I inflicted upon you.

A few days ago I needed dental help but I told you I felt so helpless because I couldnt go. You told me, the true meaning of helpless is to see somebody you love in pain and not being able to help. That line was so chivalrous, so charming, so classic, and so romantic. I melted inside and out.

With you, life is so difficult yet its so fulfilling.Yet everyday, we could only hope, dream and fantasize about a future we're not guaranteed of. My confidence in us is waning by the day. My heart dies a little bit everyday. But to lose you is to lose everything. I don't want that. Everyday before I sleep, I'd recall your face, so that I wouldn't forget how you look like. I play the recordings I cheated from you so I wouldn't forget how you sound like. I recall the days from the day we met, and the very few moments we spent together so our memories would stay. This is the kind of life I go through everyday. But where are you? Please don't keep yourself away just because you don't feel like talking. my heart is burning. I'm worried.

Honey, I'm worried. I don't know what's the best way to bridge our differences. But now it seems like there's no way out. The more I try to salvage us, the more it backfires. tell me what to do.

pine

tonight i thought about how we met. It still feels magical and the doing of fate. I missed you. Please let time go faster. I can't wait any longer.

the worry

school is starting and im worried again. I want you to do well not just because I have somebody to be proud of, but the fact that I can actually be proud of you when I see you finally graduating. I've put so much hope in us I cant wait for us to be finally together. For our future I hope you'll work hard.

We're laughing and dwelling in our budding love. Over the phone, I still feel your love for me. I love how you are concerned and proved that this could work with your consistency. (Although everything can be improved if you would go shopping with me :) ) HAHA. but you're good enough. Whatever you're now, I'll love the way you are. I just want to lay in your arms, and live like this forever. This yearning can't go away, and everyday without your presence, a little part of me decays away. I've never felt weaker. Please come to me soon.

I loved your countdown timer hun (: Your actions proved yourself so eager for me and I feel so loved. Thank you for being so in love with me, and so would I, try, to be the best for you.

<3 3="" :d="" again.="" and="" br="" can="" good="" hours="" i="" in="" love.="" my="" night="" re="" t="" talk="" time="" to="" wait="" waking="" you="">

chirpy

Hello oppa! (: you must hate this space so much. It was filled with some negativity before. You must be thinking that I should erase all of them off. It's just so you. But I won't. Let's remind ourselves not to go there again.

Called you over lunch today. You just got off work and you're just so happy. You said that you love me and cheekily expected me to repeat it even though I told you my colleagues were around. I got a little shy and you were laughing so loud over at your side. This laughter is so boisterous, so carefree, so unrestricted, so contagious. This laughter touched my heart and I couldn't help it but to laugh together with you. This is the kind of sound I want to wake up to everyday, because it is just so heartwarming and it makes me feel happy too.

You have a kind of influence I'm not sure if you know you had. But it's this kind of positivity I lack in my life that I am so glad at least you have it in you. Although I like the man in you, but I love the boy in you more. It is a very cheerful character that would bring laughter and joy into people's heart. You have the ability to influence people like that.

I hope you realised it all along. I like my Edward like that. I want him to smile and laugh everyday. & I would then be able to be really happy. Please wake up with a smile everyday. (:

Our love is so brittle like this

You have touched me in ways no other had. I remember all the sweet things you've done for me. I remember all the sweet things you've said to me. I remember your hugs and kisses. For so many months I've been waiting, it's difficult to believe I'm ending up with nothing now. The hug that would break my bones and tingle the deepest part of my heart would now never be felt again. all i am left with are our last days in april. Everytime I think about you my heart would ache a little. It seems like I gave up too fast. But it also seemed I'm left with no other choice. You never would be nicer to me, probably because im not worth that much to you. With our parting, it would bring so many regrets, but one thing I'll never come to terms with, is the fact that you never made me stay, you never tried to change, and from this, I know how little I meant to you, how insignificant my place is in your heart. 

Therefore, you've completed my list of reasons to leave. And that I, should give up this love for you to find one that you would really go all out for.

I'm just not The one. 

My heart bleeds at the thought of that. But some part of me wished you would make me stay by your side. You never even tried. My ego wouldn't let me walk myself back. Not even "Peiru, I need you" or "Peiru, please stay, I promise I'll change". 

If it was the other way round, I would fight for you. I would fight for this love. But this time I didn't, because I cannot live with someone who wouldn't love me only with half his heart. 

You're not ready for me. But I'm worth so much more. 

It's okay. I will be alright. I think will be alright. 

& just like this, you've become the ghost of my past. Haunting me during shivering cold nights, happy Sunday mornings and every single day of my adulthood. I will miss you this much. And I promise to keep all of our memories every single day, even if my heart bleeds.  

Because 오빠, you're worth this much to me. 

Tried calling you tonight. You didn't answer. Guess this is how it ends. 

欢喜冤家

Funny how fate brought us together, and funny how we met, left each other, and found our way back together again. Funny how whenever we thought its the end, but there's this reluctance in us that kept reminding how we're bounded together mysteriously. We never would leave each other, and this is what I believed us to be. Together, forever, and never to part. I don't know why I'll always want to go back to you, no matter how bad the circumstances are. Sometimes I look back and find how childish we were, how insignificant the things we quarreled over were, how immaterial are the things we disagreed upon are.

Then I realized how wrong we were to put our love on the table as our betting chip. We could lose us for good. We can't play with love like that. 오빠, 사랑해요. 진자!

But thinking back, it's kinda funny. :) we're like two little kids playing with fire. But Hun, this fire burns. Lets not do it all the time :)

Everyday I'm praying you could come to me earlier. :) I can't hold it out any longer. I need you in my life. Even though you make me love and hate you all the time, but I love you like that still.

I'm not sure if jia min translated this correctly, but I want to code some of our words so only you can understand.

오빠 참 싫어! 사랑하기도 하고 밉기도 한다!

HAHAHAHA. Xoxo.

sorted

给了你一天 的时间, 你不回复, 也不 肯对我好一些.

就这样, 我们结束了.

希望 再见还是朋友 .

if only we could turn back time, we would have been good.

I would pick up your language faster, so that you would always know what I mean. I think language kept us apart, things that I didn't mean became something else to you. things that you reply didnt mean anything to me. But only if we were more tolerant for each other, if only we never allow anything come between us.

we would have been good.

I could not help it but tell you what I never wanted from you. I just wanted you to treat me like I was the only thing that mattered in your world. As days went past, the possibility of us being together forever just became more and more impossible, and you weren't ready to promise. My insecurity just rocketed, and you did nothing but see me slip away from you.

I don't feel grounded.

Today I stood up from my seat and wanted to get out of the MRT, I walked to the door but my legs gave way. All of a sudden I couldnt walk and I suffered a minor sprain. I felt so embarrassed in front of so many people. The first thing that came to my mind was, "If only you were here to pick me up". But you weren't around. I had to miss my stop and limp out of the next station. No one was around to help me.

If only you were here.

The weather these days were pretty cold. Cold showers blanketed the whole island. Air conditioners blew icy cold air. I donned my cardigan, a shawl over my shoulders, and folded another shawl over my thighs and even then, I shivered in cold. I drank hot soup and scalding hot tea. It made no difference. Then I recalled how you kept my temperature up, how you took it all hugging me in your embrace. Then I realised,

I need your warmth.

You told me you fell ill. I know its winter there and my heart just broke. How I wish I could be there to take good care of you, to keep you warm. tuck you in bed after taking sick people porridge and cuddle you to sleep.

If only I was there with you.

 I know how hard exams can be, and the TV shows I gave you were too big a distraction. Perhaps for a limited time exams stress and the seductive quality of entertainment shows are too much for you to handle. I know you didn't mean to do badly and I wished I was there with you.

If only I could keep you grounded.

You were the best. You speak to me in the gentlest voice. When you whisper to me I feel so loved. It's like I was the only one who could hear you. You hold my hand as if you wouldnt let go, and I wished you literally never did let go. I would rope our hands together if you let me. I enjoyed my time with you. But time was never enough for us. Time was never enough for us.

We would have been so so good. 

cloudy

It's been a rough week and a lot of things have changed. Some things i rather keep to myself than to share, because I know even sharing would not keep the pent-up frustration at bay. These are things that test my level of maturity and level-headness. I'm not sure if I want to stay a softie. & I'm not sure if I want a confrontation.

Timing is everything. I need to choose a right time to talk about it while in the meantime, I have to bear with this uncertainty. It makes me consider my options, the poorly made decisions that have brought me here this point in time.

I need a God's miracle, and I have people praying for me. Among many other things, I do wish everyone stay healthy in the midst of this hazy weather.

I believe in you.

wished upon a star

I wonder if you still come to my blog to read about how I feel about you. Some part of me hope you still do, because you, hanging onto the first few moments of my documentation of our first meeting in private, is romantic in many ways. It shows how much you cherish and care, its a way of you wanting more of us, just like how every now and then I want to document my feelings for you here. It's a viscious cycle of me, trying to attract your attention toward me, and you reading all these, proves that my efforts are working and is proof of our mutual love for each other in an almost tangible form.

these days we're quite kept apart. We live on minimal comunication. We barely chat with each other everyday. The questions we ask are mundane and ordinary. The questions confine themselves to "Have you had lunch?" and "How's your day?". But I would never stop asking them. They were never boring. Imagine this is the life we will live in when we get together. It's not a chore. It's a kind of basic concern. The only moment when we should worry is when we get bored of asking, because that's the very first clue we're getting sick of each other. I'm fine with our present, although I could never have enough of you. (:

Sometimes I get envious of other couples because I have a boyfriend who cannot be around. But I'll rationalise and think of the possibly glorious future we can have together. I thrive on hope, and I've come to realise it's a very intriguing and mystic force. It can sustain anyone who holds onto it for as long as they would. Sometimes I get weak and I doubt. But from time to time I hope you're stronger and remind me I cannot fail you. I've always been emotionally weak, so please don't walk away when I falter. It's definitely not a sign of infidelity, it's just that that glimmer of hope needs some rejuvenation like how a car needs fuel. I need to believe more. Your smile always manage to work magic.

we are detached. yet I am glad because when I see other couples damaging their love with frequent quarreling and arguments I find content in us that at least we're not going toward that wrong direction. We however, are plagued with maddening bolts of lovesickness. my heart freezes when I see other happy ouples. My heart becomes cold and solitary, wishing so badly you were here. & I sadly draw upon  pathetic but memorable snippets of our past, and praying time and again to let me be with you soon. I would hug my pillow imagining it was you, and sometimes I feel like crying because the loneliness is so hard to bear.

Let us come together soon. I miss you.