To not cage is the better option

The more I think about it, the more impossible we are. Yet, there's something about you that makes my heart flutter. You always open yourself up to me, yet I still feel as if you have a mountain of history awaiting to be uncovered. You always look as if you have something to say to me. Yet all I hear is a undisrupted silence filling the void between us. But you said that you always imagined having a normal conversation but somehow when you see me, the words just won't come out easily. It's magical isn't it? Of the so many scenarios we imagine, we can only materialize so much. So what was it that stopped you? I would really love to think I made you shy. Then again, it might be the more possible reason that I'm too boring to talk to. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's always safer to be humble than be assuming, so there would be less embarrassment. I thoroughly enjoy your company. Especially our bantering on paper as if we were mutes, alternating between Korean and the English language. It is a kind of cheap thrill that only you could provide.

& somewhere, deep down, I did hope your imaginary application form you filled was genuine.

Then again, we cannot happen. We shouldn't happen. Therefore we won't happen. You're meant for bigger & more exciting things.

I'd be nice to know if I could, but I never would think of caging a bird.

No, it wouldn't last.

I don't want to define things, but I don't know what we are. So what if you were my boyfriend, so what if we keep things platonic. Friends can hold hands & friends can hug. But while we live in the moment, where would this lead us to?  So what if we kiss and not tell, it doesn't make us any less intimate, & neither does it make us any closer. Sometimes I do miss, but I do think of the unspoken hard truths that you wouldn't stay for long. There's this phantom set of factors that deter me from expecting more, and my usual emotional self has acquired a new set of skills of self-control. I've grown more rational to not want things that are unrealistic and beyond my reach. How ingenious & perceptive & witty you always seemed to be only widened the distance between us. You were always sweet, & you embodied the idea of the romantic love I  always covet & hanker after.  Because of this reason alone I could choose to ignite brighter the fire of passion and love. It bring us closer & better. But what for? Your stay would be as short-lived as the flame on a birthday candle. Once the realization of the futility kicks in, there's really nothing much to look forward to but shadows  of our past in a well spent summer break. If you were my perfect partner, with your leaving, what you bring along would be a series of my broken dreams, & what you leave behind will never be anything less than shards of a broken heart.

It's always difficult to love. But it's more difficult forget a future that I once had it so real, but knowing I'll never have it. So why not put a stop to all these delusive feelings that we have while we haven't defined anything yet? 

Or should we revel in our remaining moments just to satisfy our transient infatuation?

game of love.

For now, love is the last thing on my mind. But no doubt I'm still in love with the idea of romantic love. So while I enjoy being part of it, I want everything to remain platonic. That night, was one that deserved to be documented, because I'm not sure if I'll meet anyone like this again. I woke up, and everything was so surreal, yet, the conversations from the night before replayed inside my head a thousand times. & it was a conversation I never want to forget. 

 16th Jan. Dinner with Korean at Newton. He wasn't exactly the most handsome guy I've met. But so far, I was charmed by the kiwi+korean accent he had. I loved the dimples & this smile, so genuine, shy & happy, all at the same time. I loved the way he cracked his brains over two math/IQ questions I posed. The way he tried so hard & frowned was just pure sorcery. I was enchanted by the business speeches he told me about, and I listened as if I understood every single bit about it. Not that I didn't, just that while i understood the logic behind his thoughts, I wouldn't understand the implications of their business meetings and conversations about marketing techniques, buying over restaurants and selecting prime locations for the opening of Chris's bistros. Then I realised he belonged to a different league, one that I would wow over, but he sort of established this entrepreneurial frontier that I could probably never transcend. So there's this imaginary distance. Physically there yet spiritually we're both isolated. We have such differing dreams and lifestyle and mindset. Each time I feel he's so much more superior than I was. Yet, he would constantly put me on a pedestal (or so i thought), which made me very flattered and I've slowly let my guard down. His subtle humour captivated me. I just realised he is a smoker, & he was telling me about how he tried to avoid lighting sticks before my arrival. "I didn't want to smell like an ashtray." I laughed. Somehow, for the kind of ironic impression he is building is fascinating. Eventually I got to know that he smokes anyway. Still, 100 brownie points for effort. Then I fixed my eyes on his dimples again, letting my emotions take over my sanity. I didn't care if my feebled mind clouded my judgements. I didnt know how, everything happened in a flash. He took my hand in his. I let him. I was shocked, I really was. But the way he held it, it was just, so incredibly tranquilizing yet perplexing. It sent surges of this fuzzy, warm feeling that feels like a mini heartattack. But his fingers and palm fit so snugly around mine like the most perfect key-lock combination. He asked, "how did it feel?". I said, "I'm shocked". He looked slightly disappointed. But i'm sure it didn't matter much to him. & I refused to tell him the other half of what I felt, that his grip was full of masculinity & was definitely the best hand I've held. My mind was shouting, "OMG it feels damn freaking good. please never let go. Please just hold on to it this way, until the world comes to an end." But I know I couldn't, because if I was all honest, I would lose this love game.

You said "I don't want a relationship, because I don't even know what'll happen to me tomorrow". I wanted to tell you, "Let me be a part of it anyhow. Lets just experience now together, until there's no tomorrow."

Tweet

architect of dreams.

I will always remember the overseas trips I've missed, the dinners I've skipped, the many social invitations I declined and the time with family I regretfully postponed for days after another just for assignments and exams I am always poorly prepared for.

But scoring As and even over the 90 mark are phenomenons that I've not experienced since I was fourteen, and it makes me dwell in glorious moments of my yesteryears, that I topped in many aspects of my academic and social life. While I looked back in depair and regret, I always reminded myself its never too late to pove myself again.

My current grades, although far from my ideals, justified these sacrifices that I've made, for a better future and personal educational gains. Or so I think.

I have plans for my future, yet, nothing has been materialised. It made me recognise the fact that luck and opportunities are more realistic than anything I have projected, and none of those were inputs in my equations. I sincerely hope the future I have imagined would turn out the way it should be, otherwise, I would just be pointlessly, at best, an architect of dreams.

While I slog to complete my assignment right now, part of my being wanders aimlessly at the social events that I can join again, as soon as I finish this. *sigh*

good luck to me struggling to get past this x-bar theory.

Polaroids

I'm glad we kept in touch. Its been a decade, yet it feels like we just met yesterday. I cant stop laughing, I cant stop thinking how awesome our next meeting would be. Your winning personality, like how I've always advertised you, is gold. Though we've met up only three times, I am thankful that despite your busy schedules I can still fit in somewhere.

I'm happy enough, that I'm still part of your photo album.

P.S: Project Hotcake may fail. I'm gluttony. I must order Big bowl pork mee sua. But I'm hopeful still. 3 more months. Till then/next year, you will be missed.

I will conquer skype someday. technology is still the bane of my life. HAHA.

it will be life-changing.

Just back from Hong Kong last night & i slept like a log. Sleep is forever insufficient but waking up seems like a daily burden from now on. Work + studies is going to drain me of the every last bit of energy I might have. yet, I can't seem to let go of the good $$.

For now, I have to get back to work on my two essays which are semi-done in my head but the words just dont seem to flow on the computer. rummaging through books to substantiate my points seems like a pointless copy and paste activity and is getting me nowhere. Its a problem when this module is so easy to understand & its hard to simplify something which is so simple already. Having said that, I certainly do not wish to have anything harder. This paradox intrigues me every time I think about it.

About the trip....
I love my steals, especially my super expensive ralph lauren scarf. I love my winnings from macau, it covered 1/3 of my expenses. I appreciate the company I had. Though the time there was maximised pretty extensively, I certainly do not look forward to such a rushed itinerary again. What was most memorable was two sore feet & an aching stretched muscle on my hip. I believe with a better ability to finance myself, overseas shopping experiences will improve. :(

& i will want boyfriend to be there to walk with me, carry my loots, share some fries, plaster my wounds & hug me when I feel alienated. My next trip will feature him. definitely.

After monday, I'm certain my path would be life changing. I'm hoping for the best. wish me luck.

stupefied

I really am envious of those who gets to go overseas to study. I've lost my chance. Yes, I did have a chance in year 2010, when my dad sprung a surprise call on me. My decision to not going abroad, however, are reasons that i rather keep to myself. Till this day, I'm torn between regret and content.

Nevertheless, I had my share of that miniwealth for my USA trip, of which, I have yet to blog about. All those heavier stuff will come after my exams. For now, I choose to mull over my half-wrong choice with the half-glass-empty attitude and, the regretful part of my being.

I find it hard to speak of my life, because I know its nothing interesting at all. When people ask what I am doing right now, I only have my studies and work to speak about. Unlike those overseas, they have New York, Adeleide, Melbourne, UK, Glasgow, London... etc to narrate about. Even I myself get bored with the things I say. My best attempt to liven things up is to create riduculous identities for myself such as "mahjong queen" and “orchard 小公主" in an desperate attempt to add more dimensions to my stories and self. Now, that is laughable, and not to mention, sympathetic.

I would also attribute my thin and shallow writings to the lack of such experience. Guess books are my only hope now, to open myself up to different genres, cultures, and experiences. But, it's also, vastly different. Of which, I will make up for in quantity.

Just can't wait for the week to be over. Diet plan to materialise. more readings required. grammar books to be completed; balance between work and love, friends and family, mahjong and discipline.

I just wished I can slow down the process of growing up. I don't want to grow up so quick.

All these writing... just blame the exams.

Yeah, today i had an awesome dream. I dreamt that i was one of xmen's gang, a new member recruited to specialise in neutralising the "zombie bomb", something invented by villians to turn xmen into zombies. One of my best works. Don't you think?

I just had to document this despite declaring it over twitter and facebook! HAHA!

I have one more book to conquer and I'm done for the year. Can't wait. it's 3 more days. I hope i deliver. I am going to make it. I swear. I cannot let myself down anymore. sigh.

Too much expectations, Too many dreams.

To the 24 year old me.

Haven't been writing for quite some time, and the culmination of my emotions inside of me is just baffling. Perhaps Virginia Woolf was correct, that writing is a kind of emotional outlet.

I've been dreaming. Not exactly the proudest happenings worth being euphoric over. Perhaps it's just stress teasing my creativity, that I dreamt of the boys of my past all weaved into my ingenious fiction which left me waking up perplexed with some parts of my being wishing that the details be true. I savoured the very moment when I awaken, to find myself still fumbling my way into reality; still lost in transition, yet conscious enough to want to dream that dream again. I struggled to envisage and to place myself back into where I dropped out from the depths of my imagination. But I've come to realise that the more pressing issue was to retain the last bits of sweet memories I had of it. Then it was gone.

The only consolation was that I did have most handsome boys featured. Albeit illusional.

Boyfriend, don't feel sad. You're not phantom. You're the reality. My reality. (:

As I struggle now for my lit examinations, I wonder if all these effort were worth burning the midnight oil. Certainly isn't now, that while I'm typing this, the time could have been better spent on the notes.

Somehow, every step I take forward seems to bring me further from my dreams. I need to pace myself faster. Much faster.

Hope everything will go fine. To the 24-year-old me, when I look back at this post again, be proud to say my worries are unfounded, and i'm just being stupid+silly+hysterical.

Tortured mind

Have been in super low spirits. I wonder why. Maybe I have been expecting too much of others & of myself, that when things don't go my way, I get frustrated & angry. I don't wish for it either, it's just probably one of those days nothing just seem to go right.

But I ought to be thankful for all that I have. & I always think positive only after throwing tantrums & making a racket of the whole situation.

I admit that I have minimal self control. & I feel sorry.

Moody feelings aside. Hunger pangs is one thing I should get used to. 10 kg weight loss is possible. it may take a heavy toll on my body. But for superficial reasons I'm willing to sacrifice.

I'm done living behind the shadows of my inferior self. I'm striving for a reform. In 6 months my transformation should be complete.

Then again, all of these could just be another bout of my featherheaded spontaneity.

Then again, only time will tell.