Hey E. It's been two days since I changed the address. You came knocking on my door with this text saying "What happened to your blog... I can't open it for past couple of days :("
I don't know what to reply you. My heart is breaking. If I continue let you in my life, I'd never climb out of this. On the first day you probably thought that there was a problem with the link. No, there wasnt. I'm sorry. I have to burn this last remaining string that's left of us. We're not possible anymore, like how you led me to believe. I still cry over our demise. There wasn't anything wrong with me, still you led me to think that I caused it all, & you didn't bother to save me. I've come to realize that the problem lies with you. You gave up your best option you could ever have.
Good luck in settling for second best. Because I'm not coming back anymore.
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Friday, November 8, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Chapter Edward
Chapter Edward: I was in love with a man who could drink coffee naked and take cocoa in the most bitter degree, yet get drunk by the 7th Heineken. In love with such a man I was, but he was too strong & too weak at the same time. Too strong to resist giving in to his subconscious desires he was too afraid to confront. I couldn't help him at all. So I knew I had to let go. Chapter closed.
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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Polyglot
In a room full of masters and PHD graduates, I'm fully immersed in the academic culture. I wish I could be like all of them. Yet, I have a weak inclination for it. My priorities are probably far from my expectations, for now. But slowly, I'm beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm moving slow, but I'm moving out of it. In any sense, it's a kind of progress.
I'm imagining too much. I shall complete this step by step first. But I'm greedy. I want to accomplish more than I can handle. I'm wondering if I should enrol for the international Korean school in December or after my studies. I'll decide again after this exams perhaps. But I'm getting the hang of Korean. Reading wise. ㅋㅋㅋ. I'm not trying to be a Korean though. We're two different cultures & I appreciate my Chinese roots. I just happen to embrace Korean too.
I'm just too excited to be a polyglot. After Korean perhaps another English related language. French maybe. 4 languages at least. I must. :) for all the lofty aspirations, I would do everything I can, & work towards it.
I'm too excited already. :)
Today I received a gift from the greatest friend ever. Thank you. I was so touched I cried. Your extent of thought, I fully internalized it, throughout this period of tough times. You're a god-sent gift. & probably my lifetime friendship is the only thing I can offer :) because you're so worth it.
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I'm imagining too much. I shall complete this step by step first. But I'm greedy. I want to accomplish more than I can handle. I'm wondering if I should enrol for the international Korean school in December or after my studies. I'll decide again after this exams perhaps. But I'm getting the hang of Korean. Reading wise. ㅋㅋㅋ. I'm not trying to be a Korean though. We're two different cultures & I appreciate my Chinese roots. I just happen to embrace Korean too.
I'm just too excited to be a polyglot. After Korean perhaps another English related language. French maybe. 4 languages at least. I must. :) for all the lofty aspirations, I would do everything I can, & work towards it.
I'm too excited already. :)
Today I received a gift from the greatest friend ever. Thank you. I was so touched I cried. Your extent of thought, I fully internalized it, throughout this period of tough times. You're a god-sent gift. & probably my lifetime friendship is the only thing I can offer :) because you're so worth it.
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Ignite the fighting spirit
At some point of our lives we have to fight for something that is important. Education is one thing, and unfortunately it's something that is society's measure of one's intelligence and a way of categorizing us so that we land our respective jobs, more often than not, according to our field of specialization. Passion is sometimes involved, sometimes it isn't, but everyone knows a rudimentary degree is essential for the society to see us as intellectual equals. It matters because we have no choice but to be part of the society we are born in. It doesn't matter whether we get a degree though, if chance works in our favour and we land on good opportunities on the life game. Different individuals value the degree differently. For me, it's too superficial to use it to measure one's intelligence. But it's a kind of insurance, that can help in all respects somehow. Border crossing, a shield to your intelligence when you say something unwitty, etc.
I'm now fighting for mine, & for my future. So are you. There's really left with a little more so don't give up. 오빠! Jiayou in Chinese literally means "add oil", when your fuel is low, let me add more for you when it runs low :) *add add* you're good to go! Let's work harder these few days towards our goal! Jia you! Jia you! :)
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I'm now fighting for mine, & for my future. So are you. There's really left with a little more so don't give up. 오빠! Jiayou in Chinese literally means "add oil", when your fuel is low, let me add more for you when it runs low :) *add add* you're good to go! Let's work harder these few days towards our goal! Jia you! Jia you! :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Models.
Another lecturer asked me for permission for my assignment to be used as a model answer again. I'm proud of myself. I'm achieving. But I really wish you were here to celebrate my humble academic achievements with me. It's nothing big, it's just a eruption of a really small joy. It really would be better if you were here.
This assignment was done before you came over in September. I may not have done it without you. We're really good together. We're really good. The previous semester, I topped the cohort too. You give me strength. Now that you're gone. I can't even think about it. All the futures I mapped. It had a Edward Kim in it. He never went away.
Oppa. I sincerely wish you're doing well. & ... Hmm. I think I've said everything I could.
& maybe, I wished you know how positive an influence you were on me, and what you took away when you left.
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This assignment was done before you came over in September. I may not have done it without you. We're really good together. We're really good. The previous semester, I topped the cohort too. You give me strength. Now that you're gone. I can't even think about it. All the futures I mapped. It had a Edward Kim in it. He never went away.
Oppa. I sincerely wish you're doing well. & ... Hmm. I think I've said everything I could.
& maybe, I wished you know how positive an influence you were on me, and what you took away when you left.
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What makes your heart move?
I'm a hopeless romantic. Love makes me thrive & without love I wilt. I guess that's only the fundamental desire of any human beings during the course of their lives. At some point of time, they'll be moved by something of significance. But for me, I'm easily satisfied. The tiniest gestures can go a really long way to move my heart. I opened up my wallet & I saw this again. & then I start to reminisce our past.
It's the first gum you gave me. It think was after our movie. MAMA. I always loved horror. But I never dared to watch. You're available & you're willing. It's a chance to get closer. I know you will give me your hand, like how you held it so suddenly without my consent when we met for the first. I was shocked. But I loved it. I forgot if you gave me this in the park, or along our walk to the coffee shop. It didn't matter. Because what I remembered was you said "I remember you said you liked chewing gum, so I got one for you" you had to grab from someone. My heart tingles when you do things like that. It touched me in so many ways. It would definitely beat any other things you would afford to give me. With you, there is nothing material I want. I don't want bags, shoes, clothes, or iPad. I don't want any of those.
Because at the end of the day, I would still remember only the chewing gum you got me, just because you remembered my preference. It's the thought, of the simplest kind that really mattered.
Thank you oppa. That, you did once cared like that.
Re looking into areas we often neglect can help us find things we usually overlook. Open your wallet, rummage through every single thing. What do you see?
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It's the first gum you gave me. It think was after our movie. MAMA. I always loved horror. But I never dared to watch. You're available & you're willing. It's a chance to get closer. I know you will give me your hand, like how you held it so suddenly without my consent when we met for the first. I was shocked. But I loved it. I forgot if you gave me this in the park, or along our walk to the coffee shop. It didn't matter. Because what I remembered was you said "I remember you said you liked chewing gum, so I got one for you" you had to grab from someone. My heart tingles when you do things like that. It touched me in so many ways. It would definitely beat any other things you would afford to give me. With you, there is nothing material I want. I don't want bags, shoes, clothes, or iPad. I don't want any of those.
Because at the end of the day, I would still remember only the chewing gum you got me, just because you remembered my preference. It's the thought, of the simplest kind that really mattered.
Thank you oppa. That, you did once cared like that.
Re looking into areas we often neglect can help us find things we usually overlook. Open your wallet, rummage through every single thing. What do you see?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Tired
It seems 8 hours of sleep is too excessive for me. I read somewhere that if you wake up feeling tired, you're sleeping too much. My menses is supposed to arrive but not yet. Something is wrong with me, but there's no time to worry about it. its 11 now. I have about 12 full hours again to do my studying. This is not good. The sleepiness is not good.
Exposing too much of myself to online readings is like digging my own grave, I saw this article online on someone else's facebook, "The True Story of a Seven Year Marriage". We were never married, but the essence of love is universal and applicable to any kind of love I guess.
Full story here: https://flysoftly.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/the-true-story-of-a-seven-year-marriage/
In summary, her life was breaking apart, she got so tired with the things she never foresaw in a relationship. But then the couple found a way to work things out. It was the committment toward each other, and the want to love.
"Pipes broke, the baby screamed, work piled up, and I grew into a sad and lonely version of myself. My heart sank lower and deeper, knowing this wasn’t what we had hoped for.
We looked to each other for the answers, and only saw more confusion reflected back. “Can you save me?” we asked each other. “I would if I could, but I think I have to save myself.” "
"We knew we were sinking fast and that more years spent in battle would only pile up and add more weight until we reached the bottom.
So we put a solid foothold down, somewhere to stand still and look around. The foothold was our commitment to each other, our desire to love the person across the breakfast table."
"We gained new skills, started owning our feelings, and dared to believe in each other again. Most of all, we started listening and each moment of listening piled up until we could start climbing right up and out of our hole. We added laughter when we could muster it and that made the climbing feel lighter.
We let things go, saw with new eyes, and stood in the other person’s shoes. Most importantly, we stood in our own shoes and examined where we had lost ourselves along the way.
One day I opened my eyes and really saw him again, or maybe for the first time."
(I told you oppa, I saw you in a different light. I think that was when my heart fully opened up to you, then you took it, you said "for the first time, I feel like you're all with me", then you took my heart, the next minute, it was already in the dumpster)
After reading this, I could only stand far, in envy, that for them, things worked out. Losing you was like losing everything. The world crumbles like a biscuit, it's no longer good. Sometimes I wonder why do I still bother blogging. I know why. It's because I know you're still reading. It's the only thing holding us together. But this question will always break my heart, and every single day of my future, it will echo load and clear, "Why did Oppa leave, what mistake did I make that was so wrong, so unforgivable to warrant me the most terrible punishment I can ever receive?"
Every day, my heart breaks all over again. Every day, I have to pick up the damn pieces and fix it back over and over, and pretend that all is okay, pretend that my life was back to normal, put on this facade so that people don't worry anymore. But it isn't. It just never felt the same. I'm just a terribly broken toy, a female pinocchio without the lies and the long nose, a out-of-style, unwanted barbie without the blond.
texting jiamin lifts my mood. I should be glad I have friends like this (: & I'm super glad I had her. Self examination, reflecting upon how I feel everyday becomes a routine. I know I'm stronger than this. I could let anything go easily. But you, I don't want to. I really rather get emotionally tortured than to just forget. Even if it means that you will never come back.
"Right here oppa. I'll be right here." (:
Exposing too much of myself to online readings is like digging my own grave, I saw this article online on someone else's facebook, "The True Story of a Seven Year Marriage". We were never married, but the essence of love is universal and applicable to any kind of love I guess.
Full story here: https://flysoftly.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/the-true-story-of-a-seven-year-marriage/
In summary, her life was breaking apart, she got so tired with the things she never foresaw in a relationship. But then the couple found a way to work things out. It was the committment toward each other, and the want to love.
"Pipes broke, the baby screamed, work piled up, and I grew into a sad and lonely version of myself. My heart sank lower and deeper, knowing this wasn’t what we had hoped for.
We looked to each other for the answers, and only saw more confusion reflected back. “Can you save me?” we asked each other. “I would if I could, but I think I have to save myself.” "
"We knew we were sinking fast and that more years spent in battle would only pile up and add more weight until we reached the bottom.
So we put a solid foothold down, somewhere to stand still and look around. The foothold was our commitment to each other, our desire to love the person across the breakfast table."
"We gained new skills, started owning our feelings, and dared to believe in each other again. Most of all, we started listening and each moment of listening piled up until we could start climbing right up and out of our hole. We added laughter when we could muster it and that made the climbing feel lighter.
We let things go, saw with new eyes, and stood in the other person’s shoes. Most importantly, we stood in our own shoes and examined where we had lost ourselves along the way.
One day I opened my eyes and really saw him again, or maybe for the first time."
(I told you oppa, I saw you in a different light. I think that was when my heart fully opened up to you, then you took it, you said "for the first time, I feel like you're all with me", then you took my heart, the next minute, it was already in the dumpster)
After reading this, I could only stand far, in envy, that for them, things worked out. Losing you was like losing everything. The world crumbles like a biscuit, it's no longer good. Sometimes I wonder why do I still bother blogging. I know why. It's because I know you're still reading. It's the only thing holding us together. But this question will always break my heart, and every single day of my future, it will echo load and clear, "Why did Oppa leave, what mistake did I make that was so wrong, so unforgivable to warrant me the most terrible punishment I can ever receive?"
Every day, my heart breaks all over again. Every day, I have to pick up the damn pieces and fix it back over and over, and pretend that all is okay, pretend that my life was back to normal, put on this facade so that people don't worry anymore. But it isn't. It just never felt the same. I'm just a terribly broken toy, a female pinocchio without the lies and the long nose, a out-of-style, unwanted barbie without the blond.
texting jiamin lifts my mood. I should be glad I have friends like this (: & I'm super glad I had her. Self examination, reflecting upon how I feel everyday becomes a routine. I know I'm stronger than this. I could let anything go easily. But you, I don't want to. I really rather get emotionally tortured than to just forget. Even if it means that you will never come back.
"Right here oppa. I'll be right here." (:
Saturday, November 2, 2013
圣言
i saw this quote on facebook
放弃了就不要觉得可惜，
决定了就不要后悔。
可是我还没放弃， 还没决定。 所以宁可后悔不放弃， 也不会那么容易把你放掉。 我们的偶遇能够变成爱情，是一种奇妙的缘分。 你可以尽管放开， 不珍惜， 但总要有一个人守护这天赐的孽（良）缘。 哪怕有一天，你后悔了，你还能回到我的身边。 哪怕有一天是我想不开，把它放弃， 我也希望你会是我们爱得守护者。这样的爱才能长久， 才能坚持， 才能永恒。
你最近过得好吗？很想问的一句话， 是那么简单的一句问候，尽然变成那么难。 我们隔着的这片海洋，把我们两分隔十万八千里。 好想去找你， 但又有许多的害怕。
我看只好等。 等待似乎变得好凄凉， 好孤独，好长久，好痛苦。 好痛苦。
放弃了就不要觉得可惜，
决定了就不要后悔。
可是我还没放弃， 还没决定。 所以宁可后悔不放弃， 也不会那么容易把你放掉。 我们的偶遇能够变成爱情，是一种奇妙的缘分。 你可以尽管放开， 不珍惜， 但总要有一个人守护这天赐的孽（良）缘。 哪怕有一天，你后悔了，你还能回到我的身边。 哪怕有一天是我想不开，把它放弃， 我也希望你会是我们爱得守护者。这样的爱才能长久， 才能坚持， 才能永恒。
你最近过得好吗？很想问的一句话， 是那么简单的一句问候，尽然变成那么难。 我们隔着的这片海洋，把我们两分隔十万八千里。 好想去找你， 但又有许多的害怕。
我看只好等。 等待似乎变得好凄凉， 好孤独，好长久，好痛苦。 好痛苦。
two saturdays before exams
Yesterday two korean ladies asked me for directions. I wonder why I keep bumping into koreans. It's like god keeps rubbing salt into my wound as if it didn't hurt enough. Not that I no longer wish to see anything korean, I still want to learn the language, but it's another thing to be reminded of it every now and then. They were a pretty cute couple though, they were pointing at a map, and just said "빙수 빙수 " hahaha. I pointed them at the direction and hope they managed to find their way there.
Today I had lunch with my brother. I needed to get my korean supplies because my chilli powder is running out. But unfortunately jiamin helped me call and they're taking the day off, today it's a public holiday supposedly. did some grocery shopping with my younger brother and hopefully I have enough food to sustain myself for the entire exam period.
Here I am with my tons of books. I looked at the pile emptily. Don't know where to start but I know I'm just reluctant. But it's almost my final lap in school. After this and one more sememster and I'm done. I'd be free to do whatever I want. I definitely can graduate in time. I'm too smart for schools. I need to break out of it and do something else fast.
Ashika encouraged me to go overseas to experience other cultures. I thought about it for a while. I was thinking perhaps when my work ends, I could go korea for probably a year or half, their universities have a korean language school. . Maybe I can get to meet other oppa too. HAHA. Or maybe I could start sourcing for a school in US or UK to do my masters. Unlikely though.
Sounds pretty good. For now, as I sort out my notes, I think a lot again, & a lot of things are better left unsaid. I hope you're also working hard to complete your studies so you can move on to pursue whatever you wish to do in life. If you don't do your racecar thing, u'd always think about it. It'd be fun i guess. (:
I'm craving for Ramen. I really love ramen. i wish I have the same dedication for school. HAHA.
Today I had lunch with my brother. I needed to get my korean supplies because my chilli powder is running out. But unfortunately jiamin helped me call and they're taking the day off, today it's a public holiday supposedly. did some grocery shopping with my younger brother and hopefully I have enough food to sustain myself for the entire exam period.
Here I am with my tons of books. I looked at the pile emptily. Don't know where to start but I know I'm just reluctant. But it's almost my final lap in school. After this and one more sememster and I'm done. I'd be free to do whatever I want. I definitely can graduate in time. I'm too smart for schools. I need to break out of it and do something else fast.
Ashika encouraged me to go overseas to experience other cultures. I thought about it for a while. I was thinking perhaps when my work ends, I could go korea for probably a year or half, their universities have a korean language school. . Maybe I can get to meet other oppa too. HAHA. Or maybe I could start sourcing for a school in US or UK to do my masters. Unlikely though.
Sounds pretty good. For now, as I sort out my notes, I think a lot again, & a lot of things are better left unsaid. I hope you're also working hard to complete your studies so you can move on to pursue whatever you wish to do in life. If you don't do your racecar thing, u'd always think about it. It'd be fun i guess. (:
I'm craving for Ramen. I really love ramen. i wish I have the same dedication for school. HAHA.
Friday, November 1, 2013
illusion
Today, my friend told me something strange. She told me she dreamt of me marrying. When I heard it I just laughed to myself. I asked her if she saw the groom. How old I was. She just said she didn't know, that she only saw me in the preparation room doing makeup and probably I was wearing a wedding dress?
I wonder if this can count as good or bad news. HAHA. She didn't know we're no longer a couple. She wasn't a close friend either. But she was teasing me "you wished it was your sweet oppa right".
I just gave her a virtual smile.
When we walked along the coastal boundary between Singapore and Malaysia that day, at the jetty, by the seaside, I showed you my blog. From then you opened a lot more to me. Probably then, our marriage bells seem so nearer, yet still so far.
Now, I don't even think about it. Sadly, what once were in our minds, it now reduced to become a far reality that would only happen in someone else's dreams.
everything beautiful probably can only be conceived in dreams.
I wonder if this can count as good or bad news. HAHA. She didn't know we're no longer a couple. She wasn't a close friend either. But she was teasing me "you wished it was your sweet oppa right".
I just gave her a virtual smile.
When we walked along the coastal boundary between Singapore and Malaysia that day, at the jetty, by the seaside, I showed you my blog. From then you opened a lot more to me. Probably then, our marriage bells seem so nearer, yet still so far.
Now, I don't even think about it. Sadly, what once were in our minds, it now reduced to become a far reality that would only happen in someone else's dreams.
everything beautiful probably can only be conceived in dreams.
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