When it's over, still, happy birthday

I remember how you used to run your finger through my hair. I remember how you held my hands so tight as if you were afraid I'll run away. I remember how safe I felt in your arms. I remember how you call me "you stupid" so endearingly I felt like I know how hopelessly I was in love with you, but yet I still did. I remember how we used to spend time together and nothing else used to matter. I remember how you took my hands in yours and led me to start dancing in the streets, as if we were alone in the world. I remember all the bitter sweet meeting and partings at the airport. I remember how we bought out favourite things and you fed me till we finished it. I remembered how you used to tell me "I love you" a hundred times a day. I remember how much you wanted me every single minute you're living. I remembered how you used to address me with endearing Korean terms "자기" or "애기". Then I remember the things I did for you, the late nights I had to brave through alone when you weren't there. I remembered how you didn't feel like trying for us, and how you eventually decided not to try. I remember wanting to talk to you about it, to understand how you feel only to be shoved off with your anger. I remember you were pissed at me. I remember you were angry at me. I remember how tired you were when you tried to explain how we're not going to work out when all I did was to convince you to come back. I remember how tired sick you were of our relationship. I remember the day you decided to give up, that cruel image of your back towards me, and the day you walked away. 

I remember how yesterday used to be better than today.

I remember us as a bitter-sweet heartbreak

I remember how I'm left with nothing but a huge heartache. 

I'm remembering so many things. &

Today, I remember it's your birthday. 

& in the darkest of nights,  only heaven can hear my choir of tears dribbling. I'm dying to pour my soul out. But there's no one out there I want to tell. But I don't want to suffer in silence. Yet I cannot let go of this dread. It's the last dash. Why don't I even have the chance to make good.

& today I mourn the A I'm never gonna get. Hope is bleak. And so the sun sets.

Winter at heart

It's been cold lately. & I wished you were here. You're the only one who've hugged me right. I know it's something that can't be replicated. Even your presence alone makes me feel warm enough inside. But since you left, I've been experiencing nothing short of winter inside my heart. It's pretty chilly and icy cold.

But I'll wear  on the sweater. I feel like you're hugging me. you may or may not come  back to me.  But for now, I'll just make do.

life without Edward

without you, i can still be happy. But its a hollow kind of happiness, as if something is missing from my heart. Without you in my life, i feel like one of those stars in the sky. They shine brightly still, but with every passing day, a little part of them dies away.

Without you in my life, a little bit of my heart dies away. Every single day.

what promise means to you & me

I could stay single for the rest of my life to show you what a promise really means. Or I could get a husband and show you that a promise is meant to be kept.

Either way, I'm more inclined to keep myself for you. Because, it seems more beautiful that way.

I'm still yours to keep. I hope you see how strong this love is going. & I don't see how anyone can throw away something so beautiful away. I'm not even looking back, because I know with you, I'll be happy. There'd be the unhappy moments. But I'm sure, as with all other relationships, nothing would be absolutely smooth sailing.

Everyday, I'd think of you. & I'd wonder if you're sneezing all the way. They say, it's a sign someone's missing you. I won't want you to catch a cold. But, I'd love to know you're somehow sneezing, or know that someone, on this face of this earth, is so in love with you like this.

please say yes to all

are you eating well? are you enjoying and not overworking yourself? are you happy? are you in good health? are your studies doing fine?

If the answers to all of the above is a yes, I'm happy for you. (:

I missed you Edward.

the other day

the other day, i wanted to tell you this.

You broke up with me, but i haven't broken up with you. ^^

hope everything's going fine for you my darling Eddie. I've been more than fine.

thought of you

I was reflecting why didnt we work out. Maybe I caused it all. I wasn't kind enough to you. & now I could only miss you from afar. I really really used to believe despite us being apart, we would work out. I still do. I want to make it work.

But today I had a nightmare. I dreamt that we met up again. But this time, it was worse. You asked me never ever to text you. To stop all forms of communications completely. My heart, I thought, was so broken it couldnt break anymore. but, it can. Then again, it reminded me of how much I love you.

My heart is all for yours to break. It heals, and then, I'd let you break it over and over again.

Just for you.

Here's a song for you oppa.

remnants of us

I flipped through our "folder". I saw receipts of our past dinner dates, things we bought in thailand, in new zealand, that awesome pokeno breakfast, those grocery shopping and everything we splurged on. The air ticket confirmations, the hobbiton land entry tickets, our hairs, our notes to each other when we met for the first few times, our polaroid pictures together, and as I screen through these things, frames of our past flashed through my head like a animated motion picture that brought me to the brink of tears.

I probably asked why am I still keeping all these? I know the answer.

Because these are all that's left of you, and what's left of us.

I've said it many times, and I'd say it again. One of the biggest failure of mine was not being able to keep your heart with me. I know I can take very good care of you. I worry everyday when you're not with me. I know you are independent. But I wished I still have that privilege.

you're so difficult to love. You reject all who love you. & yet, I haven't found it tiring.

I know you're worth it. 

How have you been doing? Chris has been bugging me for a restaurant auntie. & he randomly asked how's my work and all, and he even went as far to comment "must b eddie having trouble to wake due to not hearing e a na yo!!!" 

HA. I don't know how to reply to that. Neither would I tell him about what happened to us just yet. But I do have troubles waking up because I haven't heard "일어나요" for quite some time now. 

I missed you. 

I can move on. But I don't want to. Seeing this picture of us reminded me of the fact that I WAS the happiest girl on earth. I don't know what happened but... I really hope you are happier now.

& it doesnt mean I have to stop trying. Oppa. I'm still here.

love and romance

love and romance is what sustains me. I was thinking if I would ever again, experience something and so someone so romantic like you. I wonder what would happen if you didnt leave your number. If I never took my chances to text and call you. What would become of us? 

All that followed was the doing of fate and our decisions. Fate allowed us to meet, I decided to follow up from there. & therefore, to make it happen, I must keep trying. For maybe, just maybe, you'd come back to me. 

I do love you. Why can't your heart feel it. 

impulse

oppa. I still miss you each and everyday of my life. I have the impulse to call you, to text you, to find out how you're doing with your life. but all of these, I've come to be told, are too intrusive. If you're not coming to me, everything i do for you might just go unappreciated, and a burden to you. If only being nice to you were simpler. If only life were simpler. Imagine there werent seas separating nations, if only there weren't desires and hate and love. We would be all one body. I wouldnt have to suffer from the torment of love. You wouldn't have to suffer the torment to know how to reject me time and again.

I always knew how to fall in love. I never really knew how to fall out of it.

Come back to me. I'd be good to you.

Fresh start

I'm receiving a date almost everyday. So this is how it feels like beig single again. But I'm selective. I still prioritize my studies and work. I still have you in me.

I'm not quite sure when you're ever gonna go away.

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i miss you

it still hurts i think. but i sort of buried the feeling. i know its still there. i know it. you still have a place there. but i'm terribly numbed I don't know what am i feeling anymore. I wonder how much hurt do you have to cause before it reached this stage. 6 months of emotional torture. perhaps. or was it a year already? I don't know. I just know, I couldn't believe you could just choose to throw something so great away.

You know you can find another. it'll just never be the same.

& I know it too.

I could only ask, "oppa, how are you?" from afar. If only we didn't start it, we could still be friends.

& everyday, in the mornings when I wake up, I'd whisper to myself "Oppa, I really hope you're right about us. Please be happier."


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Close to you

Sometimes, even just seeing you online, I feel close to you. We don't have to say anything. It's just good enough you're at the other end of the line.

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The ones out there

I'm surprised by the range of my choices. Still, from now on I should practice caution. You left me broken. But there are interesting personalities out there. I'm reminded that I am still popular.

I could throw my net & look at my catches of the day with amusement. Then like a playful fishermen I let them go at dawn & dusk again.

Fun. But it's not love.


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The many questions

What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? So where is the love?

Everyday these questions surface in my head. If nothing went wrong, if I didn't do anything wrong. If I was the best you ever had... If the answers to the above were all positive, why are you still leaving?

I really don't know what I can do. I know there's nothing I can do to revive a lost love. But I still keep trying, because I really want us to go back to what we were. Maybe you forgot. Maybe you lost faith. Let me keep trying. Maybe, just maybe, one day... You'll come back to me.

Please, please be my last love.

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Just an everyday thought

Every day of my life, I would keep thinking about the things that made me inadequate for you.

& every day of my life, I'm sorry I'm not the one. I'm tired of proving. But there's an undying dedication I have towards you that is propelling me to keep trying. As I live longer, my soul wilts by the day, thinking about the things that made us fought, thinking about why didn't I make you feel happier, thinking why did I make you feel unloved at all in the past.

& I know you'd still leave.

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Hello oppa

Here :)

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