Finally a day for myself

I just decided to not do anything but allow myself to enjoy wholeheartedly. I'm paranoid still, that if I don't bring out my book, I might not have any material to read whenever I have the free time. So I brought out my super thick and heavy book just to have a piece of mind.

Went to have Ramen for brunch, some cakes, and karaoke with kai wei and jia min. It helps to take a really heavy load off my shoulders in their presence.

 I still look pretty still, so I'm not sure why I'm thrown aside. So we went for a major karaoke session to sing our hearts out. To all the relationship woes that have been bugging us, to hell with you.

I'll get started on a lot of things tomorrow. After this ordeal I have a couple of lunch dates with friends of the new and the old. Time will heal everything in due course. But the ghosts of our past lives like the shadows whenever it is day. 

Today I woke up to messages that convey love and friendship. Tomorrow I might wake up to none. I guess I have to get used to this, although, it is always better to wake up to a few. I feel less empty and I will feel better throughout the day. That was all I needed to survive another loveless day.

I was chatting up a friend and we happened to talk about what about you was it that caught my attention. For all things material, I believe I've touched on it before. But your voice in particular, was one of the traits that were being discussed. There's just something about your voice that speaks to me, in a firm/gentle/gentlemanly/humourous/alluring manner. It's everything mesmerizing and nothing disturbing. Every night, before I sleep, it's the last thing I want to hear and every morning, it's the first thing I would love to listen to.

It used to be that way. 

每一天, 我只希望你能过得一天比一天好. 就这样默默地爱着你, 让你可以拥有天长地久的爱. 

"这一份情,永远难了,愿来生还能, 再度拥抱."

One of those familiar nights

It's one of those familiar nights, where scenes of us flashed back like everything just happened yesterday. We would talk about our future without looking back, we would imagine paradise with just the two of us in the entire world. I was influenced by this movie that I had to watch for my film module. These two couple only had each other in their minds.

The man was down with debts left by his father and his ex-wife. The woman was just thinking about to be with him, but they can't be together yet.

SAM
  I'm fed up with sweating for people 
  who aren't there. I sweat to pay off 
  my father's debts... and he's in his 
  grave... I sweat to pay my ex-wife 
  alimony, and she's living on the 
  other side of the world somewhere.

    MARY
   (a smile)
  I pay, too. They also pay who meet 
  in hotel rooms.

    SAM
  A couple of years and the debts will 
  be paid off. And if she ever re-
  marries, the alimony stops... and 
  then...

    MARY
  I haven't even been married once 
  yet!

    SAM
  Yeah, but when you do... you'll swing.

    MARY
   (smiling, then with a 
   terrible urgency)
  Sam, let's go get married.

    SAM
  And live with me in a storeroom behind 
  a hardware store in Fairvale. We'll 
  have a lot of laughs. When I send my 
  ex-wife her money, you can lick the 
  stamps.

    MARY
   (a deep desperation)
  I'll lick the stamps.

 He looks at her, long, pulls her close, kisses her lightly, 
 looks out the window and stares at the wide sky.

    SAM
  You know what I'd like? A clear, 
  empty sky... and a plane, and us in 
  it... and somewhere a private island 
  for sale, where we can run around 
  without our... shoes on.  And the 
  wherewithal to buy what I'd like.
   (he moves away, 
   suddenly serious)
  Mary, you want to cut this off, go 
  out and find yourself someone 
  available.

    MARY
  I'm thinking of it.

    SAM
   (a cheerful shout)
  How can you even think a thing like 
  that!

    MARY
   (picking up handbag, 
   starting for door)
  Don't miss your plane.

    SAM
  Hey, we can leave together can't we?

We were once so sweet like that. Why would you throw something so beautiful away?

Dad and I changed into our new phones today. I got a iphone5S gold. We went to have lunch together at a restaurant. I haven't had family lunches together for a long time.

If I ever would have a family of my own, I would bring my family together everyday. Family is the most priceless thing in the entire world. I am born to love. I can have nothing, but my loved ones must feel like they've owned everything. They musn't go through what I did.

surprise visit

I never thought u'd spring a surprise on me like that. I appreciate it but I'm sorry I couldnt bring myself to say another "bye" to you again. So I don't know what to say.

My appetite has been ferocious. I'm continuously eating but the guilt still comes about. I'm getting fat again and it's not a good sign. I need to get below 50 because my collar bones are so pretty. My shoulder blades are so pointy I look awesome at all angles. I can sweep people off my feet and offer the 'helping hand' and drop them winks and make heads turn. I'm keeping myself up on the market, but I'm not up for grabs just yet.

The half a packet of big nachos late at night with salsa dips isn't helping.

I got a voucher from my telco to change phones. I might get the iphone5S just tomorrow with dad since his is up too. Dad is very updated.

i will be going to dad's place to study for the night. Who could be a better companion than a loving father who peels apples and pops longan and lychee fruits while I do my readings? I can feel love again and familial love is the most penetrative kind. it saves my heart from further incisions and blocks external harm.

Tomorrow is studying time with friends again. I need to be extra productive this semester. 5 papers is no joke and I have to make good of it. God, please stay with me.

I've been backing up my phone just in case i get a new phone. I hope my messages and photos still would sync back into the new one. I saw photos of our Phuket trip and now I think back it was pretty awesome. My favourite part of it all was still waking up to see you're beside me. That feeling is the best on earth and too bad I don't get to enjoy this view anymore.I still remember how just walking along the villa and having breakfast and seeing you day and night alone can just be so enjoyable. I swear I was the happiest girl on earth.

It's okay. Life still has to move on.

I looked through our past whatsapp chats, when we were still so fresh and in love. I asked you if you ever tried removing me out of your brain, This is what you replied "Edward Kim: No i never tried to do that, but i just knew i can not be separated from you anymore 3/11/13, 1:16:04 PM: Edward Kim: I belong to you"

You said it yourself, you belong to me. So why did you choose to leave? Things like this make me lose faith in love. True love doesn't exist. 

keep composure

I don't know what the hell I was doing with my previous post. I was not supposed to regress to my previous state of denial. I must lose all hopes that you'll ever come back. I lost it and then it revives again. It blossoms like the love that remained. I wonder even without your love to fertilise this tree of love, how does it still grow. Why did my parents make me this sentimental and this stubborn in love? Why can't I just be heartless? Jordan said I should stop showing you I'm weak because you love women that are strong. I really wonder what's the meaning of strong. So being able to get up on my feet again after being abandoned by my loved one is strong?

That's not the definition of strong.

Let me tell you what it is. It's the ability to stand firm on what I believe in. I believed in this love and I've made promises to love you. Being strong is about how you continually throw our love away but I stand behind you, pick up pieces of my broken heart and fix it back with love again. It's about how you walk away and I just stand there, under the sunshine or under the rain, wait for you to come back to your senses and give you the hug that you missed for the days that you have gone. Its about how I stand by you silently, forever giving you a quiet support even if you didn't want it, so that any time when you need it I would be there. It's about how I'd cook you meals when you're hungry, be your listening ear when you are down, lend you my now bony shoulders to rest on when you feel tired, hugging you when you feel insecure, kiss you when you feel unloved, forgive you when you make mistakes, watch tv with you when you feel bored, hearing you out when you feel smart and want to flaunt your knowledge, praising you when you did something good, laugh together with you when you feel happy, console you when you need some...

But there's a fine line of difference between being just stupidly foolish, and faithfully in love. I hope when you had enough fun, tell me I should/shouldn't love you. Whether you're worthy of my love or not is my call. But I just want you to be very genuine to your own feelings. Tell me how you really feel.

I hope you managed your mining homework well. I hope your car has been such a beauty people can't wait to buy it from you. I hope you've been eating and doing better than fine, because you deserve everything better. (:

7th day. It's about time honey.

I woke up nestled in a wonderland of a fluffy mess. I guess I finally mastered the way I should make use of my pillows. But while I lay covered and warm, I could feel the surrounding air still cold and uncertain. Waking up in bed is like a metaphor for my journeys in life, that I was born protected and now I have to face it alone, and I have to be courageous to break out of my comfort zone. What is most scary is that I don't know what's to come, everything around me is shrouded in a thick air of mystery. But if I don't fight these feelings of dread and fear, I'll never walk out alive and well. Maybe this is the kind of teachings you want to impart me when you decided to leave. I'm learning it the hard way but we don't have to. Being together is about giving each other support in times of need, & while strength is required to face the tribulations in life, can't we just rest at home, confide and make things work out together? Two is always better than one. Boys throw tantrum and they do the running-away-from-home stunt. It's time you abandon your tantrums and come back. Stop hurting me.

Yesterday I went to meet up my RBS ex colleagues after work. They were the ones who knew you just as the same time I knew you at the corner place. The plan was to make me feel better if I could lash out at the guy who pulled our heart strings together. But nothing really helps. Instead he said to me, "I warned you he was a player." I felt angry because I believe that oppa, you're not. I still believe in you. When people tell me you moved on, I felt hurt too not because you will, but because it's possible.

Last night we went tanjong pagar, one of the cafés there. I passed by the Lotte mart, one of our last stop-by when you were here in Singapore. Everywhere were Koreans, I wonder why. Even in the cafe Koreans were talking non-stop in their language. Our memories just flashed by, one by one. I thought of how you won't get reminded of our times because everything happened in Singapore. Everytime they speak my heart ached so badly I could die. There's hardly any triggering places for you to think about me there in Auckland. I felt glad I'm shouldering all the pain for us so you're safe from hurt. Let me be hurt instead. I deserve it. As long as you're okay.

People tell me I should just walk away. I know I should so I don't bother you anymore. I did stay away. So I hope you feel better now. But I made a promise to you. So I'll just stay. I'll just stay.

off boundaries

There are some boundaries I chose not to cross, and I learnt how "ignorance is bliss". I don't know if you did visit this space. I don't know what time you wake up every day. What I don't know can't hurt me. But I've been receiving explanations for your leaving, and what hurts most was the possibility that you've moved on to another person.

I guess the future just have too much possibilities to unfold. Some of which I rather not discover.

Last night I slept too late. I was glad I didn't wake up again at 3.30am. Recently the weather has been too cold. The cold wind seeps into my bones and I shiver all over the place. I wake up in a land of my 5 cooling pillows though. But none are as warm as your embrace. I'm getting used to the emptiness in the morning and I'm okay. I would think about our would-be future then I wipe them off with a brain wiper. Everyday my mind doodles images of us. Slowly I'm forgetting where the moles on your body are. Slowly I would forget your features, day by day. Somehow, the feeling still remains like everything just happened yesterday.

I stepped into the MRT. I got a seat somewhere. I remember how you used to threaten me that you would tell everyone I'm pregnant if I don't listen to you. You were such an asshole, but comparatively a better one than now. Still, I can't hate.

My friend shared with me the 5 stages of grief when I was grieving over the loss of us.

1. Isolation and denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

No matter how much I tried. I couldn't be angry with you. Then I get angry at myself, for doing/not doing everthing I could, to protect you.

hunger strike may make a good career

It's all a joke from here.

My refusal to eat first stemmed from the loss of appetite. Eventually I just got used to not eating. I only eat for survival and I only drink to clear my stomach of accumulated hydrochloric acid which burns the stomach lining (see, I've been attentive in biology lessons). I don't see what's the big deal in not eating but it's potentially profitable. I understand how everybody is worried. But ever since my last blackout I've learned to deal with it. I make sure I take in enough glucose to regulate my low blood sugar.

But I think everyone's feeling awesomely wealthy everyday. I get multiple offers for lunch and dinner, its as if... if I take their food they'll strike lottery, or if I eat, someone wins a bet. One was because I lent a book and I get a treat in return. Kindness begets kindness. Maybe some I'm winning it from sympathy. But regardless, I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I'm really grateful.

Still, please don't advice me against my anorexia. I'm happy with my slimmer figure and it makes me feel better. it's about the only good thing I'm taking away from all the bad things that happened. I'm alive and kicking & I don't regard this as self abuse. This is merely a bad habit cultivated but I'll change when I reach my ideal. perhaps 7 kg more sounds reasonable. I'm glad I'm getting there somehow.

I thought about that night I failed to blow dry for you. It's okay. Just imagine, close your eyes and imagine me doing it right after your shower. It'll feel as good. (:  *hair dryer sound, blow blow blow* Your hair is now soft and dry! YAY.

I love your hair. I love brushing through it. I love taking care of you. I love to know that you used to like it too.

Easy & easier

With the passage of time anything becomes easier and eventually easy. This proccess of acceptance of reality and facts have been draining, and while I'm born into a new skin, I have problems finding comfort in it. Over the past few days I still wake up at 330am here. Just that I don't call anymore. Such habits I suppose it takes time to shed them a little by little, and probably somehow, someday they'll be gone.

On and off the heart seizures still takes place. All of a sudden my heart becomes tight and presses down my chest I feel so suffocated I had to drop everything at the moment and take in deep breaths to calm my nerves. It feels like some sort of illness and it happens when I least expect it. Why does this happen to me.

This blog now serves to trace my emotional progression from the abyss of pain. Everyday I get encouragement and it feeds my positive thinking. I've been replacing crying faces with smiling smileys on texts and it gets transfered onto my face somehow. I can't wait for everything to be quickly casted in formaldehye, get it preserved and put aside for the time being. I dare not hope for anything good in the near future to strike, neither can I anticipate.

I'm not sure what you are going through but it seems just so easy. I wonder how you even manage to sleep soundly at night. If it's a phase you have to go through, I'm willing to trade my innocence for yours, so that you can sleep like a happy kid and live the happy boy life that was robbed from you. If god is pushing me to grow up faster in exchange for your happiness I'm fine with it,or at least taking it this way makes this heartbreak all the more worthwhile.

I saw dad in the morning and I get big beary hugs.I got an apple for the day again. I expected to not have a birthday dinner this year but it seems like family wants to make up for their helplessness in my situation. They pick up the pieces of my broken heart and mend it back all over again. It's hard on them so I have to recover faster.

Work has been great. I just need to focus more on my studies.

My company have just announced a free 2 hour break again. I have people to share it with but... & there comes the mini bouts of heart attacks.

For the first time in these few days I've been able to eat. Unhappy people gets free meals. For many consecutive days people keep wanting to buy me food. They probably chose a time when I can't eat much so its easier on their pockets. Haha. This time was an ex colleague celebrating his promotion with us. half a serving of bacon and eggs for lunch just seemed light enough for a stomach which has gone almost empty for days. Water kept the stomach free from gastric and I'm 49. Doesn't matter how you'll see me. You won't see anyway.

I just hope the seizures go away and I need a locket for my brain. It'll be useful when I study.

acceptance and embracing change

I've received strategies of all sorts but I decided to be true to my feelings. There's no right or wrong thoughts to be expressed, but it is only wrong when even I lie to myself about how I feel.

I've talked to friends and sought their advice on how to get through this tough period. They all shared that they took 2 to 3 months to get out of the love wreck. When I first heard it I told them sobbing "How? What do I do? It's only my 3rd day". I told them I don't have 2 - 3 months to spare for a heart break. Studies were forever my priority, i couldn't let my hard earned grades go down the drain because of a momentary anguish.

This is a transitory period and I expect a lot of uncertainties. But I've decided to face life with an unfaltering positivity and embrace life as it is. Homework wise I've done well amidst the heart break. I'm distracted every now and then but I have no choice but to pick myself up time and again. I have no time to waste. I have to go strong and stronger to fight the merciless time which passes too fast and robs me of another one or two days whenever I fail to be watchful. I have to be on my guard on all times and make full use of time. Work wise, I'm appreciate the opportunities given to me. I am trusted with a lot of responsibilities and I receive each and every one of them with humility, because I still have lots of things to learn given my rather raw experience at a leadership position. I'm entrusted with the responsibility of handling a team of 13 and people have high expectations of me. Today my boss involved me in an important decision making process, I have constructive suggestions and I've proved myself worthy. So yay. another point scored. I couldn't be happier that all of the depressing events that recently happened are slowly turning out better.

Today dad gave me a big hug and gave me an apple for lunch (:


Amidst the weight loss, its not totally a bad thing. I have lots of weight to lose. But the recent compliments that I look better are encouraging. I've gone below 50 now but when I sit down my tummy is still there, though it just became smaller. I guess it's better to enter a healthier weight range and that's how I see it. Doctors say the love handles/tummies at the waist are just a signal of poor health. (: I guess I'm just healthier now.

After being able to place my negativities aside, my previously clouded judgements could finally see the silver lining. Not all is lost, and I started to see what's there to gain out of this. I embraced the opportunity for change and learned to accept. Not that it was easy but I gained the skills of compartmentalising my feelings into the good and the bad. While I revel in the good, I was finally able to talk about my feelings and confront them without having to cry. I shared with people and the comical ones tried to lift my spirits by making me laugh. For the first time in the past few days I was able to laugh out so heartily, and people say 'laughter is the best medicine', it indeed is. Through this heartbreak stronger relationships were forged. The ones who really bothered, at the end of the day, some of my tears were for you. I'm sorry for now I could only repay with my teary appreciation but you know I'd do the same for you.

And for the bad, I've placed it aside for it is but a venomous bane. But perhaps in time to come these kept feelings would unfold like a pandora's box. I don't know what it would evolve into but I hope it'll blossom like the vibrantly coloured spring flowers that only reek of a fresh new life. As for us, expectations only brings disappointment so I guess I'll leave it to fate to decide what's best for our future.

5th day

Today's dedication: We can grow old together, only if you want to. We could laugh at each other's wrinkly skin and droopy eyes. We would shout love loudly into each other's ears when we almost couldn't hear properly anymore. We could hold hands forever even in our deathbeds. How beautiful is that. I want that person to be you. & I only want it, only if you want to.

30 September 2013: I looked back at my previous entry. I can't believe I actually am feeling guilty for being so harsh. My mind is telling me to let go. My heart is telling me to hold on and wait. My head and heart felt so heavy the entire day, especially my heart, I felt the weights weighing down on it so hard, I had to take long, deep breaths before I could breathe. and I do this the entire day, breathe harder.

I remembered your scalp. It's summer I hope it doesn't get itchy. Please please remember to scrub your scalp when you shampoo so that dead skin is removed. It also improves blood circulation on that area so that skin doesn't die so fast and doesnt flake off so easily. Okay?

You used to be angry with me and say "You chose to think of us negatively" "you believe in all the negative things about us that's why you're saying this". But Oppa, you're now guilty of the same. You chose to believe that your feelings for me had changed. You chose to believe it's hasn't come back. You chose to believe that if we weren't together things would get better for you. You chose to believe that we were over even though during the weeks that you were here, I never really said for us to be over. That day when you left with your luggage, you thought I was angry and you thought I really didn't want us anymore. Similarly on Thursday, you thought that we were over. I don't deny I have faults in these matters. I acknowledged all my mistakes, my willfulness, my inconsiderate behaviour that made you sad and feel this way. But I apologized and did whatever I can to make it up for you. I put up my apology into action and into words. When you are angry I am willing to pacify you the entire day, no matter how it takes. In the end I realised I'm not the unforgiving one.

It's 12 am here and another day has begun. I will live better and stronger without you. You must get your breakfast too yeah? don't be like the other day, having noodles the entire day. My eyes are folding and I can't be late for work these days. I'll update again tomorrow. Meanwhile please take good care of yourself! (: Good morning to you soon.